Mens Tools Explained!!

[cardell75]

Some how I can relate to this, that's what my old shop says any how.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sugar!"

CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A GUN TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a gun" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Vypyrz]

VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

May also be found in vehicles without power windows as a replacement handle to raise and lower windows. May also be used to extend the length of a broken gear shifter or turn signal handle...


TORQUE WRENCH:
A specially designed wrench used for applying a certain amount of force to a nut or bolt. They never seem to be in the range or increments that you need and often result in a broken fastener or stripped receptical, which leads to the employment of the next tool...


TAP AND DIE SET:
The most frequently used tool in my garage...

[MattU]

Lol those are all way too true

[Vypyrz]

A few more...


PIPE WRENCH:
A large wrench used for turning a leaking pipe or faucet into a $400 plumbing repair.

CHALK LINE:
A roll of string encased in a chalk container. Used to make slanted lines on your roof so that when you apply the shingles, it looks more like abstract art. This tool provides a high entertainment factor to your neighbors who continually laugh at your DIY roofing...


PAINT BRUSH/ ROLLER:
Devices designed to put paint on everything except what you wanted...


PAINT GUN:
designed to put paint on everything except what you wanted faster...

[gmcclurelssu]

another one for the list...

STANDARD WRENCH:
Commonly used to turn ratchets into breaker bars. Large sizes can also be used as a hammer.

[mainbutter]

lolololol

thanks for the laugh

[cardell75]

Anytime!!

And BTW sorry Dr. Del, I will be a little more careful next time

[AMPearce]

Haha, that was good for a much needed laugh. lol