Well, I got this e-mailed to me a couple days ago, and ust got around to reading it. I got a good laugh from it and decided to share. So without further adu...

What are cats?

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.


Politically correct cat definitions

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.

My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.

My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.

My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.

My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.

My cat is not a "shedding machine;" she is a hair relocation stylist.

My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile;" she enjoys the proximity
of food.

My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.

My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.

My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.

My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.

My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.

My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.

My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.

My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.


Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take if from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If there's more than one, ALL of them are mine.
11. If I had it yesterday, it's mine.
12. If I had it last week, it's still mine.
13. If it's broken, tastes bad, or boring, it's yours.


How to Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How to Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.