Lost Cat

[PhoenixGate]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Unfortunately the losses do seem to come together.

It sounds like you're doing all you can to find him, and we can only do what we can do. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to properly grieve. My first cat died shortly after my youngest went missing. Its two completely different set of emotions. The death is very raw and everything just kind of comes out at once. But when they're missing it keeps you up at night, never really leaves your thoughts, and its a really empty feeling.

That's exactly what it feels like. I just want to go out there and get him, except I know I can't when I don't even know where he is. There was a house I lived at for four years. It was on the side of the highway, set back a little with two acres just to myself, my brother and one household within that area. I would let him out during the day and bring him in at night. I had to time it just right and make him think I was just out there to say hi and pet him. If he caught a hint of foul play he'd take off and stay out all night. But he always came back. Eventually he'd be there, laying in the yard and giving me the slow blinking lovey eyes.

Every time I hear the neighbors dog bark in the night, every time I hear the slightest noise, I think it's him. It's torture. This is the same cat I brought up with me to Washington. My brother couldn't drive down to pick me up, and the only method of travel that would accept a cat was the plane. I thought at first I could have him with me in the cabin, but wasn't told until I got to the airport the very specific requirements for that. They forced me to put him in the belly of the plane last minute. It wasn't a very long flight but I remember waiting for everyone else to get off before catching the first flight attendant and demanding him back. He was so scared on the walk to the baggage claim he didn't make a sound, he just jumped from one end of the carrier to the other, nearly throwing me off my feet in the process. I whispered to him over and over again a promise that I would never, ever take him on a plane again.

Almost every night as I settled down to sleep he would settle right by my shoulder, shifting his body until he could press against me slightly. It took me a long time to not be so restless at night and have him sleep by me all night. He would shift with me from room to room, never wanting to be very far away when I was in the house. He never gave a rats ass about catnip, and he would lightly pat my shoulder when he wanted pets.

The closest bond I've ever had with an animal has been him. He was my first cat and a good friend at a period of my life where I was at my most fragile, mentally and emotionally. And now I have no idea if he's alive or dead, and I know I'll feel guilty as hell when I have to move to California in about a month and a half. This is not how I wanted it to end, and it's been leaving me in a general state of depression since he escaped. I just find myself completely uninterested in things suddenly during the day, and feeling guilty for doing anything but looking under every rock I can for him. I have no outlet for it, no way to either grieve or find him. There's no closure.

I'm so sorry to hear your cat is gone.

My (then) 6 year old cat went missing over 2 years ago, I never found her. I asked everyone within 5 blocks in any direction, put up posters everywhere, put up ads on Craigslist, and everything. I didn't learn about the smell thing until after she'd been gone for a year. I'm starting to think my roommate got rid of her because my mom told me he complained all day about her meowing when she went missing, and he's gotten rid of our pets before.

I really hope you find him soon, it's hard losing a pet.

I posted on here a couple years ago about a roommate (it was an emergency move that went to hell in a handbasket within a few months) that I suspected got rid of/killed my pet ball python (who was a rescue and my first ball python, I'd only had corn snakes before that). I never found out what happened, but both her (sort of) boyfriend and the other friend I talked to were entirely too defensive. It was dozens of little clues during my interactions with them that led me to believe they had done something on purpose. Not to mention that when I came to pick up the snakes and give them to the person I would, ultimately, rehome them too permanently, the ball's cage was securely closed, but empty, and had a note I couldn't fully make out from said roommate on top.

Afterwards I blew up at the friend, who had the balls to tell me the snake had probably escaped. I tried to turn off the heat in the house and set up the cage with the top off, with a heat lamp on and food in the cage, to lure him back but the stupid roommate came back and partied in the house that night, ruining my chances of ever finding my snake.

I hate it when people treat animals like objects. Some people are just like that. They hear the dog barking and hate the noise, so they gid rid of/hurt the dog to make it stop. That's a sign of a sociopath, by the way. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you.

I really appreciate everyone who has replied to this thread and continues to keep a dialog open here. My bad times have always been at night. Everything I normally keep it check wells up, and especially now, it can get overwhelming enough that the silence I need to sleep is something I want to avoid. That's what happened to me when I opened the thread in the first place. I couldn't stop crying and it felt like I was being ripped apart from the inside, with nowhere to go. I wanted to run at the same time I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Just coming here and being able to read the replies helps.

At this point I just quietly cry and feel like I'm dying inside. It feels like giving up, and I hate giving up. I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do.