Uncle Skippy Gets a Colonoscopy - A Public Service Message

[Skiploder]

About three months ago, I started having problems digesting meals at night.

Too big a meal after 6 PM and up it came around 1 AM. I was also having a hell of a time with indigestion, nausea - the whole shebang.

After putting up with it for about a month, and after constant nagging from my wife, I made an appointment with our Doctor.

Well, when you get up there in age and your tummy or your ass starts giving you problems, they immediately whip out the poop jar.

The purpose of the poop jar is to check your scat for hidden or occult blood. Surprise, mine came back positive.

So with my symptoms, my doctor had me immediately see a gastroenterologist - who immediately ordered me to take several tests - the most significant of which were a endoscopy, a HIDA scan and - wait for it - a colonoscopy.

I'll admit it to you all right here and now, I have been dreading my 50th birthday - the age thing, not so much. But 50 is the magical age in which scheduled colonoscopies become part of your life...and I've heard all the horror stories. Plus, I have a healthy aversion to having something snaked up my rectum, into my intestine, replete with a multifunction tool at the end.

I've been afraid of all of it - the prep (supposedly foul tasting, plus a night of riding the porcelain Ducati). The procedure. But most of all waking up and hearing bad news.

I am here to tell all of you - it is nothing. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than a root canal. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than sit through a Mad About You marathon. I'd rather have a colonoscopy than listen to three Ke$ha songs. It really is no big deal.

Let's break it down:

The prep - ppphht. No biggie, Chugged my first gallon (or so it seemed) of greased lightning at 5 PM and a second at 5 AM. The end result, several hours of shooting water out my rear. The time spent on the toilet allowed me to catch up to some of my friends on Deer Hunter and Candy Crush.

The procedure. The put you in a warm bed, with a warm blanket, put an IV in your arm, wheel you into a room that looks like a missile launch control room and BAM - out like a light. Probably the best half hour of sleep I've had in years. Plus my wife and kids left me alone the rest of the afternoon - which I put to good use by taking a nap.

The news? My freaking colon is so pristine, I wouldn't let most of you near it. I got a gold star and a happy face from my Doctor.

Here's the deal - I've got friends and co-workers that are deathly afraid of this procedure. If you've reached the magical age in life where a colonoscopy is recommended, but are too afraid to let your Doc do some spelunking - don't be. It was one of my great anxieties in life - a source of fear and loathing. I am here, complete with my health and pink colon and rectum, to tell you to do it. Do not fear the man with the gloved hands.

If it means catching something as nasty as colon cancer or rectal cancer early, it is well worth it.

I was given a report full of healthy glowing color pictures of my black water processing equipment. I'm thinking of making them into my avatar.......