I'm in the process of making the decision now, because if I don't do it now, then when?

I've struggled with depression and self-harm for 8 years, and with anxiety for a little over 3. I'm watching other people move on with productive lives all around me, while I stagnate. I lost the only thing that made living enjoyable, my fiancee. She wanted us both to learn who we are on our own, without being tangled in one another. And I'm realizing more and more that I hate this person I seem to be, even though I don't have much reason to.

I want to be able to love myself, but I see nothing worth loving. I'm a college dropout with two minimum-wage jobs just to pay my rent. I haven't eaten any real food in days, maybe weeks, surviving off of smoothies and rice. I go through the motions of each day, but my heart isn't really in it. Work can help to distract me for a little while, but I come home to the same apartment my fiancee and I built our life in, and her stuff is still everywhere.

So I think it's time for me to get away for awhile. To take some time to focus on me, and who and what I can become, once I learn to love myself. There's a psychiatric inpatient center in town. There's one directly tied to the hospital, and another that's made for longer-term care. I'd be gone for at least a week, maybe longer. No internet access, no cell phone, no work. Just focusing on getting better.

I don't know how I'd pay my rent if I took two weeks off work. I guess I can only hope that providence, and maybe my parents, would step in to help me. Because I need it, more than I could ever express aloud. I need to help me.

I need help.

Thank you for reading.