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    Arguing Is Useless

    All of us have argued with someone and some point. I see a lot of arguing in these very forums. I am going to pass on some advice that was given to me recently.

    It's always the same scenario. You and someone have an opposing view and you argue. You pretend to listen to what they are saying but what you're really doing is thinking about the weakness in their argument so you can disprove it. Or perhaps, if they debunked a previous point, you're thinking of new counter-arguments. Or, maybe, you've made it personal: it's not just the argument that's the problem. It's them. And everyone who agrees with them.

    In some rare cases, you might think the argument has merit. What then? Do you change your mind? Probably not. Instead, you make a mental note that you need to investigate the issue more to uncover the right argument to prove the person wrong.

    How likely is it that you will change your position in the middle of fighting for it? Or accept someone else's perspective when they're trying to hit you over the head with it? Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person's stance. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what you're trying to achieve with the argument in the first place. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships.

    There's only one solution.:

    Stop arguing.

    Resist the temptation to start an argument in the first place. If you feel strongly about something in the moment, that's probably a good sign that you need time to think before trying to communicate it.

    If someone tries to draw you into an argument? Don't take the bait. Change the subject or politely let them know you don't want to engage in a discussion about it.

    And if it's too late? If you're in the middle of an argument and realize it's going nowhere? Then you have no choice but to pull out your surprise weapon. The strongest possible defense, guaranteed to overcome any argument:

    Listening.

    Simply acknowledge the other and what they are saying without any intention of refuting his position. If you're interested, you can ask questions — not to prove them wrong — but to better understand them. Because listening has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When someone feels heard, they relax. They feel generous. And they becomes more interested in hearing you.

    That's when you have a shot of doing the impossible: changing that person's mind. And maybe your own. Because listening, not arguing, is the best way to shift a perspective. Then, when you want to leave the conversation, say something like, "Thanks for that perspective." Or "I'll have to think about that," and walk away or change the subject.

    I'm not saying you should let someone bully you. Just draw a line and let them know it's not OK.

    Not sure if this will make a difference or not. But maybe someone will read this and try not to get all bent out of shape over things. Hopefully it will make a difference in me as I am pretty bad about arguing myself.
    Last edited by MasonC2K; 11-12-2012 at 11:35 AM.
    - Mason

  2. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to MasonC2K For This Useful Post:

    arialmt (11-12-2012),ChrisS (11-12-2012),h00blah (11-12-2012),MrLang (11-12-2012),rlditmars (11-12-2012)

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