It hurts so bad to say this, because it makes it real....
My dog Sequoia, 9 years old, likely has cancer.
She had a fatty tumor removed a few months ago and developed a different type on her hip, a hard, big lump that is very painful, unlike the other tumor.
They did surgery to remove some of the tumor for lab tests; now her back leg is in a huge bulky cast and she is no longer the same. She hasn't been for a while. She looks depressed, and cannot walk on her leg, so she's been limited to 3 for months.
I'm heartbroken. She's in a lot of pain, and I think soon we might need to make some decisions. Surgery would be over 1000$ dollars and even after that, her leg might have to be amputated, and her quality of life will likely be poor.
So I think this is one of those times in life where we have to assume we know her well enough to try to decide what she'd want. She loves my mother so dearly, they are kindred spirits; would she want to be put down so the pain would end, or would she want to fight through it and stay with my mom as long as possible?
We have to decide, and it is so hard when she cannot speak, when she cannot tell us how she feels. Selfishly, we have to try and make educated guesses, but we can never be sure; what if we make the wrong choice? What if we let her live through the pain, and she always wishes she had been let go? What if we do let her go, and she resents us and someday I see her again and she tells us we did the wrong thing?
What do you do? How do you do it? And regardless of what you do, how do you heal from it? Where do you go?
How?
I wrote a kind of letter to her on Facebook....I'll post it here...
Please, I need advice; I need help; I need...I don't know what I need.
I think this is why I need to be a veterinarian. I owe it to animals, I think, because I love and care for them and I know they have a voice, unlike other people who refuse to believe it; I think I owe it to the animals to be their voice since they cannot speak it, and this is my duty to the world, to people and animals. I need to help.
I'll do it for Sequoia...if nothing else...I can hear her talking, but I cannot understand...how do we understand?
I have to learn. I have to go to school and learn.
I owe it to her and every other animal.
Dear sweet Sequoia o' mine,
I'm sorry that I can't fix you, and I'm sorry I never told you I love you as much as I feel it.
I'm sorry that I cannot understand what you say, and I'm sorry life is unfairest to you, of all the people in the world.
You are our protector, our pet and more; my mom's kindred spirit, and one of my best, best friends.
You always know just when to give a hug; you always come and check on everyone to make sure we are ok.
I'm sorry...I think we'll have to say goodbye soon, and it breaks my heart as much as I can see it breaks yours.
I love you my little puppy, and you were never just a pet but a family member.
Someday you'll go, and someday we'll go too.
With love,
Your sister in the wrong body
"We never really own animals, we only rent them for a time. We cannot hope to live with them for too long, but only be grateful for the time the lease lasts."