I believe that until you can fix what's broken inside of you, you won't be able to be happy even IF you have a girlfriend. Rather than being able to enjoy the blessing of the relationship, you would worry and fret about something "going wrong" and ruining it. Which, inevitably turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy because someone that worried about the negatives tends to bring those negatives about themselves.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, you have to be able to be alone with yourself. No girlfriend can "make you happy." That's way too much burden to place on another person. And no matter how close you are to another person, or how much time you spend with them, you will always be alone in your own head. We all are. So you have to fix what is in there, first.
It sounds like you have strategies for getting through the day and "being happy". Now you need to plan some very specific strategies for dealing with yourself in your own head. You CAN head off that spiral of negative thoughts and begin to turn them around to positive, healthy ideas if you really want to. Do YOU really WANT to change? Or do you just want a girlfriend who is supposed to fix everything for you?
I'm no therapist, but I could certainly get a lot more in depth about such things, and would love to try and help if you'd like to PM me.
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