they say
"if you hate someone, your killing them in your heart."
if that's the case...then i'm guilty of cold-hearted murder a million times over.

you see, i dated someone from july-december of 2000. i ended up pregnant (with my oldest daughter) and when i told him, he wasted no time starting in on our "options".
he mentioned abortion and i said "NO FREAKIN' WAY!" i was raised catholic so abortion was flat out off the table.
then he mentioned adoption and i was like "nope. i'm keeping the baby."
then he got pissed off and expended that anger trying to beat me into an agreement during which i never changed my mind. i was keeping the baby and he'd have to kill me to make it otherwise. once he realized i wasnt going to cave,
he told me not to tell anyone i was pregnant and if anyone asked it wasnt his.
then he decided he needed to leave town.
throughout the remainder of the pregnancy he was constantly promising we'd have our own home and saying we'd be a family and other times threatening me with everything he could think of if i ever hooked up with someone else.
fast-forward:
a friend of mine that was present for the birth of my daughter called him to inform him that i was in labor, despite my making it clear that i wanted no part of him ever coming near us again.
he arrived just before my daughter's arrival but left again the very next day.
he visited 2 times during my daughter's first 2 weeks and those visits were for the most part spent trying to seduce me and when i finally had enough i gave him a piece of my mind. i unleashed all my pent up disgust and hate for him and he even had the balls to sit there with a smug smirk and tell me that i HAD to love him cuz we had a kid together.
i laughed at that and it took some time for it to sink into his thick head that i was serious when i was saying that i would never love him again, amongst other things i need not say here.
months later during our last phone conversation, or arguement, i told him that he could stay gone and i'd find someone who would love us and be there for her.
he said "no one else is gonna raise MY kid!"
i was like "your not! i'm not gonna let you waltz in & out of her life cuz your too lazy to get your head out of your butt and accept your responsibilities!"
i ended that conversation with a very clear and abrupt
"it takes a boy to MAKE a baby but it takes a MAN to raise one!"
and that was the last i heard of him, although i did hear about him trying to get info on me and all my activities from his friends and the people that knew us both. i had told them all that i was through with him and that they were NOT to tell him anything about where i lived.
i ended up swearing off guys and relationships altogether and put all my focus into being a single parent.
now, almost 10 years later, i still feel that burning hate deep inside whenever i have to think about or talk about him. my daughter knows about him now and she does continue to have some questions every now and then and as hard as it is for me to go through it i always try to be as thorough as possible when answering her questions. i refrain from giving her details that she doesnt need to know right now.
but i have had to tell her that if she ever decided she wanted to find him later in life that i could not have any part in that. i want NOTHING to do with him and really do prefer that she not have contact with him either but should she decide that's what she wants to do then i just cannot be involved in it.
i'm not ready to forgive him for the abuse and abandonment but i do need to figure out how to at least let go of this hate. it's making life for me now very hard and i feel weighed down by it.
it's too much of a heavy burden and i know i'll never truly enjoy life if i have that ball and chain slowing me down.
having this hate goes against my very nature as i am normally a very affectionate person, trying to see the good in everything despite the ugliness of this messed up world.
me and my kids are active in church and i'm really hoping that having this spiritual structure will help my daughter grow up to be a confident, self-respecting, contributing member of society. i know alot of that is gonna have to com from how we raise her as well and i think so far we're doing an ok job of it.
i feel truly blessed that my current bf has stuck by through thick and thin over the last almost 9 years we've been together and together we've survived some pretty crazy situations that life has thrown our way.

well, i guess that's all i can say on this for now. thank you to those who've managed to get this far.