When good intentions go wrong.

[SilverDemon]

I apologize for this, I just need to rant.

I am trying to figure out WHY every person in my life, save for a very few, has gotten it into their head that they need to 'encourage' (read: nag me incessantly) me to find a boyfriend.

A little history: I am 26. I have done that whole dating scene. I am not impressed. Intact, I find myself completely cynical when it comes to romance and romantic relationships (long story there).

However, I now have family, coworkers, and even a friend or two saying that I 'Need a man in my life's (which I find increadibly insulting) and that it's time for me to settle down and have kids.

Even though I have repeatedly told them that I do not want a relationship at this point in time, and I CERTAINLY never want children (yes, I have experience with them. I am helping to raise my sister's young children. This is PART of the reason that I find myself never wanting them).

While I understand that they're trying to show that they care, I find their efforts (currently, threats of blind dates and signing me up for dating websites) and utter dismissal of my wants and opinions UTTERLY FRUSTRATING.

*long breath out* Sorry about this, and I know this post is likely pointless. I just needed to rant.

[Daybreaker]

Just tell them that it's your decision and frankly it's none of their business if you don't have any desire to be in a relationship. Say you appreciate their "good" intentions but you'd like it if they respect your wishes and not pester you about finding a good ol' boy to hunker down with. Be firm about this or they'll probably continue to bug you. Good luck!

[Bellabob]

Well, I have anbsolutley barely any dating experience, and I certainly don't have people doing this to me (15yo) but If I were in your position I would be pissed off too.

[Jessica Loesch]

Tell them you're a lesbian! May get them off your back

[CatandDiallo]

I'm so glad that my mom always tells me that I can do whatever I wish in life.

I know, I'm only 21, but I know I will never have kids (for a couple different reasons). She supports/accepts it. If I didn't want to get married, she would support that too.

If I had people nagging me about settling down, I would just ignore it. Nod, and say nothing. I know it would get extremely annoying, but if you don't put up a fight they will soon get bored with you and not say anything about it.

I commend you on your choice to not be in a relationship and that you say "you don't need a man". I admire independent women, and I think that as more and more people decide to stay single later in life, it will become the norm and you won't have people bugging you about it so much.

As long as you are happy in your life, just brush it off. Live your life the way YOU want to live it.

[Mft62485]

Society has it's way of trying to get people to conform to the "normal" behavior. Most of these same people telling you that you need to settle down are probably the same ones telling others what to do and how snakes are such horrible pets.

[wolfy-hound]

They're telling you this because inside their own heads they know THEY couldn't be happy without a boyfriend(or girlfriend) and they honestly do not think that a woman can possibly be happy without a man to run her life.

Society teaches girls that the ONLY way for them to be happy is to have a man. Sorry for all that BS of "Girl power!" and "Girls can do anything in life!" They say that, while showing storylines and movies and life lessons that all SCREAM "The only way to be happy and win is having a man!" All the Disney, Lifestyle, Family movies and such all end up saying the same thing. They pretend to show a "strong woman" but in the end, the only happy ending involves having a guy.

I absolutely admire any woman who can stand up under that massive peer pressure and declare publicly that they DO NOT need a man. Any woman/girl who 'needs' a guy to be happy needs therapy in my opinion. It's fine to WANT one, or desire a relationship, or pursue dating... but when you must have a male or not be happy, you need to examine what is missing inside yourself and fix that before looking for a guy.

I'm all for folks finding a partner in life. Just do it in a healthy way. And if you don't feel any need for a guy, then stand up and tell them (again and again) "No, I don't need a man! I can deal with life myself, and I don't need some man to run my life."

I'm a widow, and only a month after he passed away I had folks asking me "So have you found someone new?" NO. I have not. I will not. I will not look. I have no desire to look. I had no desire to find a man when I fell in love with HIM. It happened without me searching for some guy to date.

As far as kids, I've never ever wanted kids, never had a desire to have a baby and never ever ever has my family understood. I've heard the "Oh you wait, you'll want one later..." for 40 years now. No, I won't. And No, there's not one thing wrong with NOT wanting to breed. Kids don't always fit in with a person's life. There's plenty of folks out there having kids for all the wrong reasons. Why people can't accept that I'm NOT having kids because of the right reasons... just boggles the mind some days.

Hang in there and stick to your guns. If you continue to explain you need no one else to feel like a complete and whole person, eventually most of them will "get it".

[xFenrir]

Hmm, sounds to me like the people in your life aren't happy with THEIR lives. Usually when people obnoxiously push others to do something, it's because they can't or won't do it themselves. A lot of friends like to "live vicariously" through their friend's dating lives, since they're already "settled" with someone.

My parents, family and friends could care less who I'm dating (unless he was a serial killer or something crazy like that), or even if I'm dating someone at all. They're happy if I'm happy. The only time I ever felt like it was a necessity to be dating someone was in high school, where your popularity was what type and how many liked you. After high school, it became "who do I match with? who am I happy with?" and now I'm very happily with my boyfriend.


Long story short: you'll "settle down" with someone when YOU want to.

[SilverDemon]

Thanks for the support, everyone. And I've been telling them this for six months to over a year in most cases (the straw that broke the camel's back is my parents joined in today). And I perfectly agree that society is [BS] in what's 'expected', especially down here in the southern US. Here, if you're not married with kids and a good Christian (single, never want a husband or kids, and agnostic), they act like you're the devil. I've even had people say that keeping snakes will scare off any guys. Takes a lot to keep from saying "All the more reason to have snakes!". I fully intend to stick to my guns, it just gets frustrating (and a little ridiculous) the lengths they're going to. I'm pretty damn sure I know my own mind much better than they do. Again, I realize that they want me to be happy, but they're going about it the wrong way.

[Egapal]

Ok couple of things. First your parents are coming at you from a good although misguided place. They just want to see you happy. I would recommend some self reflection. Are you presenting to them as happy and content with life. If you are then they are just wrong, if not you might want to work on that. The reason everyone wants to see you with a man is because most people are social creatures that want a mate. For whatever reasons good or bad they assume that mate for you is a man. So again with the self reflection, do you not want a mate or do you not want a man. If you don't want a mate that's fine and I wish you the best of luck convincing them of how that's normal. You are of course right, but I doubt they will see it that way. If you want a mate but not a man that's an easy one, go find yourself a woman. Of course the results of those actions might be even harder to deal with from what you describe. Have you considered moving? I happen to be married to a woman who does not share my passion but I can tell you that had I found a woman that was passionate about snakes before meeting my wife I would have been all the more smitten by the fact she kept snakes. Snakes have nothing to do with this. Snakes are just another form of baggage. EVERYONE has baggage. The trick is finding a person who has baggage you like. As for kids, some people are breeders, some want to replace themselves and some don't want kids. I know all kinds. The only ones I have a problem with are the breeders. You sound perfectly reasonable to me.