Stupid But Hilarious Jokes You Have Heard

[Freakie_frog]

Two snakes are talking.
One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?"
The other replays, "Yes,why?..."
"I just bit ma lip."

[Blue Apple Herps]

A old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

[Kaorte]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.



What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Its cute, but can you really breathe out of that thing?

[MarkieJ]

What's long, thin, green, and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger...

[Freakie_frog]

Remember keep it clean..it has to be family friendly!

[Hapa_Haole]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Its cute, but can you really breathe out of that thing?

[GoBoilers]

A man just broke up with his girlfriend...to cheer him up, his buddy brought him a talking centipede. The man was skeptical, but, hey, had nothing better to do so he asked the centipede, "Hey, centipede...ya wanna go get a beer?" No reply from the centipede. So the man said a little louder, "Hey! Centipede! You wanna grab a beer?" Still no reply from the centipede, so, the man yelled in exasperation, "HEY! CENTIPEDE! I asked you, do you want to go have a BEER!" To which the centipede replied, "Yes! I heard you the first time! I was just putting on my shoes..."

[moodyman_]

A Zen master walks up to a street hot dog salesman and say.. "make me one with everything"

He gives the vendor a $20 and asks for change to which he receives "Change comes from within".

[auhsojnacnud]

Directions on how to catch an Elephant.

1. Dig a hole big enough for the elephant to fit in
2. Light a fire in the bottom of the hole and let the fire burn itself out. Make sure its a big fire.
3. After the entire fire has burnt itself out, cover the hole with leaves and stcks and such so the elephant can't see it.
4. Lay peanuts around the hole to lure the elephant near the hole.
5. When the elephant comes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole

(Sorry if this goes over the line with family friendly and no swearing but I figured some of the others were worse)

Joke #2

A guy wants to take his girl to the prom so he goes to buy her flowers. He gets to the florist and theres a LOOOONG line. He waits and waits and waits but eventually does get her flowers. After the flowers he goes to get her chocolate but again theres a LOOOONG line. He waits and waits and waits but eventually gets her chocolates. Then he goes to rent a limo to pick her up but theres a LOOOONG line there too. So again he waits and waits and waits but eventually gets her a limo. They arrive at the prom and dance for first couple songs until she says "Im thirsty from all this dancing" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punch line.

[rlditmars]

A guy driving down an old dirt road notices there is a three legged chicken running along side his car doing 30 MPH. He hits the gas and gets up to 45 and the chicken picks it up and keeps pace. He gives it more gas and when he hits 60 the chicken not only keeps up but passes him and disappears down the road. The guy is so amazed he pulls into the first farm house and says to the farmer, "I need to use your phone, you can't believe what I just saw."

The farmer asks, "what did you see?"

The man replies, "I saw a three legged chicken and it had to be doing 90 miles an hour."

The farmer says, "I believe you. I breed them. See my wife, my daughter, and me all like drumsticks so naturally we needed three legged chickens."

The man replies, "That's amazing. How do they taste?"

The farmer replies, "Don't know. Can't catch 'em."
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A guy is driving past a farm when he notices a pig standing in the field with a wooden leg. He pulls into the house there where the farmer is working on a tractor and says, "I have to ask about your pig. How did he get that wooden leg?"

The farmer says. "Let me tell you about that pig. Once I was working on this very tractor here changing a wheel when the tractor fell off the jack and pinned me, crushing my chest. That pig ran over lifted the tractor up and pulled me to safety. That's the kind of pig that pig is."

The guy says, "Wow! That's really something, but how'd he get the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "Let me tell you about that pig. Once my daughter was swimming in the pond out back when she got a leg cramp and started going down. She dropped below the surface for what would have been the last time when that ole pig jumped in and pulled her out and saved her life. That's the kind of pig that pig is."

The guys says, "she's very lucky the pig was there, but how'd he get the wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "Let me tell you about that pig. One night about 6 months ago we had a wire short out and started our house on fire. We were all asleep and would have certainly died when that pig burst in and pulled us all out, one at a time, saving all of our lives. That's the kind of pig that pig is."

The guy getting frustrated says, "That still doesn't explain the wooden leg. Can you just tell me why he has a wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "well a pig that good, you can't eat all at once."