my father...

[python.princess]

due to a couple posts on this site (christians, and gays) i've been thinking about how much of an overbearing :cens0r::cens0r::cens0r::cens0r::cens0r::cens0r::cens0r: my father is. really. a little background... growing up, he was never around. i'd be lucky to see him twice a year. that was fine as far as i was concerned... i didn't know it should be any different. then, in 9th grade, due to some difficult circumstances with my mom (whole nother thread! but i've come to terms) i moved in with him. he was a tyrant. i was not allowed to talk to boys outside of school. period. i wasn't allowed to do anything that normal teens were able to do because i might meet a boy. he was insanely overprotective of my sister michelle and i because my older siblings (his kids from his ex) were the basic 'wild teens,' sneaking out at night, drinking, doing drugs, my sis, mary became a mom at 16. so, because he was too busy doing drugs himself at that time, i was allowed no life. he ended up moving us 80 miles away from school so we absolutely couldn't hang out with ANYBODY.

and he liked to tell people that he didn't mind gay people as long as they stay away from him and his. how generous! a few years ago, my brother (not his son) 'came out of the closet.' hows that for staying away from his family?

somewhere along the line, he decided that michelle and i both had to marry ojibwe men. we lived 3 or 4 states away from the nearest ojibwe rez. michelle ended up with a white boy and he got mad and got over it. i ended up moving to wisconsin to help out my family (sick uncle) and i was supposed to find myself a nice ojibwe guy to settle down with. i knew that wasn't going to happen, we were still 4 hours away from lac du flambeau where i was supposed to find this guy. i wasn't gonna drive all that way every weekend!

he ended up leaving wisconsin (he never planned on staying) and expected me to go with him. when i said no, he got mad as hell and told me i was gonna end up a good for nothing single mother of two like my cuz and i was never gonna go anywhere in life if i stayed. too bad dad. i'll take my chances. about 6 months after he left, i met matt. matt is german and norske. when i told my dad, he flipped out and i didn't here from him for a year. i heard from everybody else what he was saying about me though. i'm not even gonna bother repeating it, but you can imagine.

so, after a year, i called my stepmom to wish her a happy birthday (she still kept in touch with me) and he answered it. he pretended that nothing was ever wrong between us. fine. i'm not gonna make a bigger issue of it. this was a year and a half ago.

so, we've talked a few times but our relationship has never gotten and never will get back to what it used to be. i've accepted that. life is less stressful that way anyways. well, this year he decided not to call me on my birthday. fine. whatever. that's the way he is. but seeing as how i didn't get a call from him, i didn't really feel the need to call him a week later for fathers day. childish or not, i feel it's justified. so, today, my phone starts ringing. my stepmom. i didn't answer cuz i was visiting with my cousin and didn't want to be interupted by her. so she left me a drunken voicemail wanting to know why i didn't call for fathers day!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so then, i was too pissed off to even call her back and discuss it. so i text her and told her why i didn't call. so she tried calling again. nope. sorry. not home. then my cousin's phone starts ringing! really the nerve!!!
they can't remember my birthday but god forbid i don't call to honor him and tell him what a great dad he is!!!!

sorry this is so long! i tend to ramble when i'm worked up! and, really, this is only the tip of the iceberg of paternal problems i have! again, sorry... just need to let out some steam....

[Blu Mongoose]

It may sound easier said than done, but don't let his behavior shape you. Sometimes from influences in life we can turn out to be the spitting image of who we hated most. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Make decisions on what you need and want from life. All of us have someone in our lives that we probably would be better off without. Too many people put so much importance on blood ties that they let others in their life slowly destroy them. I have a sister that I will always love because she is my sister and we grew up together, yet it isn't healthy for me to be around her. Everytime I see her, her negative outlook on everything depresses me. I still see her, but not often enough to influence how I feel.

If the family you have isn't working for you, build your own with strong friendships. Surround yourself with people that really care for you. It works wonders.

[python.princess]

the rest of my family (for the mostpart) is great! couldn't ask for better! just my dad! lol. and there's no danger of me turning out to be like him. while developing my character when i was younger, i looked at my parents and said to myself "i'm not gonna be like that." and i'm not. my cuz calls me the white sheep of the family!

[frankykeno]

Melanie it's hard hon. You're dealing with issues that are so complex and interwoven. Not only the father/daughter thing, the drugs influencing that, the emotional abuse, the family history but also a cultural issue where males are encouraged to dominate and control "their" females. I spent many, many years working with oji-cree women in a family crisis shelter and you cannot ignore the heavy influence of a culture that was interfered with so very badly by the "black robes" that their very view of women was destroyed and reshaped. A native male unable to control his wife and daughters is so looked down upon by others of his community it's no wonder stories like yours occur over and over again.

That's not to say that great strides haven't been made in our wonderful native communities but I personally know of at least one community in northern Ontario, Canada, in the year 2007, that females are not allowed to step on to an airplane or purchase food supplies without "permission" from a male (either their father, their brother or their husband/boyfriend). This is considered the norm there. To break from this pattern, breaks you from your extended family, your community and in some cases, your very cultural identity.

Very sad in a culture where once women were considered the core of a wheel of life and honored for their ability to bring life into this world.

I hope you can find peace with your upbringing and allow it to make you stronger and wiser. We can't forget the past, only learn from it, take from it some life lessons and move always move forward.

[python.princess]

thank you both for the support! i tried givin u reps but i gotta spread it around so.... oh well!

[Ginevive]

I am sorry that you have issues with your dad. I know how that is. my dad was/is a complete alcoholic. He has alwas put drinking first since before I was born. I know now that there is nothing I can do to change him; this was a huge step in my accepting him the way he is, flawed and all. I tried once; yelled, screamed for about a half hour at him because he was going to go out and drive drunk. Nothing I could do or say could stop him, and we were in the backcountry with family (his side, alcoholics too) so I could not even call a cop and report him. I got stuck sleeping in a crowded living room on a couch where drunken relatives walked by constantly; needless to say I spent most of the night outside crying in the woods. I was only maybe 11-12 at the time and it was pretty horrific to say the least.
This was pivotal. I looked at him honestly in my own eyes; I am never going to change him. it is he who is flawed and deficient, not me. And it is the way he was before I was even born.
Now i do not ever go anywhere with him if he is driving. Ever, period.
Why am I saying this? To let you know; your father's warped ideals and opinions and behaviors, are nothing that you need to feel any guilt or shame over. Not that i think you do; I don't know. But some people, even our closest relatives, can b people that we would quite honestly never even talk to if they were not relatives!
What I do is, I keep an ongoing relationship with him. But I keep him at arm's length and do not let him be domineering as to when we hang out or how long he stays here on a visit. He is and was used to controlling everything; he would stand me up on planned visits after my parents divorced and I lived with my mom.

[python.princess]

yeah, neither of my parents ever set (anywhere near) a good example when i was growing up. fortunately my mom has grown up but my dad...... not so much. lol. oh well! and it really doesn't do any good to tell him anything... plenty of people have tried and only pissed him off! lol. that ties in to the whole 'he's always right' thing!