My Fiance Is Driving Me Nuts And I Don't Know What To Do

[WarriorPrincess90]

I'm sorry to say my excitement about getting a new baby boa next weekend has dwindled slightly...

See:
http://ball-pythons.net/forums/showt...e-Very-Excited

My fiance just called to talk to me for the first time today. (She took a job in another city and I only see her every couple of weeks for about 24 hours if I'm lucky.) It's *temporary*, but we're not sure how long temporary is going to be. She's working on getting hired with a police department in the area...but now suddenly she is looking all over the place since her first choice location didn't work out. Anyway, I called to tell her I had found a good home for Faron (my normal male), and that I was gonna get that new baby boa I wanted. She proceeds to berate me and make me feel awful about it, then "teasingly" says, "You want to be single don't you? I can't believe you're getting another snake. You obviously want to be single."

I told her just yesterday or the day before that I was considering rehoming my male in favor of a male boa I could pair with my Monster Tail in the future. I told her the number of animals would not change and she said "Okay." I don't think I'm crazy, but I took that to mean, "As long as the number doesn't change, it's okay." This was following the conversation a couple of months ago about my wanting to breed and wanting a total of at least 10 snakes to do that. 10 being the cap that *she* assigned. Now I just want to basically swap one out for another, and she wouldn't even talk to me about it. I asked her what the problem was, since the number of snakes had not changed...and she responded with, "I can't talk to you right now." I haven't spoken to her all day, she gave me 3 minutes on the phone, and after I tell her I'm excited about this, she gets mad and won't talk to me. Suddenly, we had spoken enough and she was gonna go watch a movie instead. I find this infuriating because I don't ask her to care for, help pay for, or even acknowledge that the animals are in the house...and yet she acts like this? They are not intruding upon her space, they don't need her attention...nothing! She's just so wishy washy. One minute I can have up to 10, now I am going to keep the number exactly the same and she flips on me? Am I missing something?

We actually initially bonded over the fact we *both* had snakes when we met. She didn't tell me until a few months ago that she never had any attachment to the snake and only made a big deal out of it because I obviously liked them so much. -_-

She pulled this same thing with a dog too. I have wanted a dog ever since I moved out of my parents house almost four years ago. We've been together nearly 3 years of that time. We moved into our current apartment so that we could get a dog. Spend two months or more looking on the humane society's website for the perfect dog...and then when we move into this place and I got all excited about finally being able to go get a dog...she tells me she's not ready for a dog and doesn't want one. A year and a half later...she still doesn't want one...like AT ALL. And if I bring it up, she gets mad and won't talk to me. A few months ago, she promised me she would get me a dog for Graduation. Now, graduation is getting ever closer and it has turned into, "Well, when we move to a new place in July, we'll get one." And most recently, it turned into "Why don't you wait until we live somewhere you can have a big dog before you get one?" Like really?!? That's a subtle way of saying...why don't you wait for a few years until we have a house...then we'll talk about it. WHAT?!?

Every single animal is a fight...and I really don't have that many. (I grew up on a farm and between my parents we had roughly 30 chickens, 8 dogs, a bunch of cats, three ferrets, gerbils, my schnieder's skink, and two horses.) In my mind, 4 snakes, a crestie, 2 robo hamsters and a cat is nothing. I work for a veterinarian for goodness sakes! When she met me she knew I wanted a bunch of animals and to be a Vet one day! If you don't like animals, why on earth would you pursue someone who is a pre-vet major!?!

Regardless, I feel like she is being unreasonable and toying with me. If she is adamantly against it, she needs to say so in the first place! And we've talked about this several times. It just doesn't get better. She also happens to be the messiest person I know, and until she moved to the other city for work I was always stuck cleaning up her messes. Even now, she comes home for 24 hours, makes a mess, and leaves. I love her to death, I want to marry her *obviously*, and yet...I don't know how I can spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't like animals...I'm very confused and upset. Both about this and about the fact that she ruined my *I'm getting a new snake!* high.

I just don't know what to do or how to approach talking to her about it. She won't even talk to me. And now I don't have the luxury of cornering her on the couch and talking about it. She's in another city until further notice.

Blah. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry for the long rant all.

[Daybreaker]

It sounds like there may be some jealously issues here....like she may feel like you're too "into" your snakes and having them or getting more will take time away that you could be spending with her. That was just my gut feeling from reading the post, and I've seen other threads about the same issue where the other person was feeling left out or being put on the back burner. I guess the only way you'll know is if you sit her down and talk with her.

[eatgoodfood]

Well I dont know if I really have any advice for you but I am married.. almost a year now, and I never wanted a snake, lol. It was my wife that 'always' wanted one. I bought her one as a gift, was nervous about it at first, and that gift turned into my addiction. Now I cant even look at this website and have her know about it without getting yelled at. So I suppose I understand your pain. 16 snakes a cat and a monitor lizard... thats what I am at now.. I really want more, but Idk If thatll happen.

[liv]

It seems like the animal issue is an indication of deeper relationship problems, mainly lack of communication and her being a bit controlling. Even though pets can seem "silly" to some people, when you love something as much as you clearly love animals, denying you that joy is a huge hurdle in your relationship. While obviously you love her, it may be time to re-evaluate what you're priorities and goals are in life compared to hers.

I hope you can get her to open up and start talking!!!

[WarriorPrincess90]

It sounds like there may be some jealously issues here....like she may feel like you're too "into" your snakes and having them or getting more will take time away that you could be spending with her. That was just my gut feeling from reading the post, and I've seen other threads about the same issue where the other person was feeling left out or being put on the back burner. I guess the only way you'll know is if you sit her down and talk with her.

I doubt very seriously that she is jealous of them. When she still lived at home we spent a great deal of time together. I'd venture to say it was almost an unhealthy amount. I did not get to handle my animals even half as much as I used to. Now that she doesn't even technically live at home right now, she gets every waking moment of my attention when she is home. So I don't think it could be jealousy. The feeling I get is that she just *doesn't want animals*. At all. She loves our stupid cat...but anything else is a *burden* on her. I don't know how...she doesn't do ANYTHING with them. In fact, she wouldn't have so much as noticed that a different snake was suddenly inhabiting the 20L on my desk had I not said anything. But I was excited and I wanted to share that with her. Evidently, I shouldn't have.

She's very self absorbed. For instance, if I call her at night and want to talk about the day I've had at work. I can usually get out a sentence or two before she informs me about *her* day at work and how it was so awful, and blah blah blah. I always listen attentively...but if I want to talk to her about my day...she blows me off. Or half listens while texting someone. I called rather upset the other night and she didn't so much as ask what was bothering me. But instead informed me that she had a terribly rough day at work dealing with paperwork and was going to sleep. A dog would have given me more attention at that moment than she did. Or even a snake for that matter.

So, I guess I could be wrong, but I don't think jealousy is the issue...


I realize now...after reading what I just wrote...and what you said Liv, that there is not much to advise in this situation. Really, what it boils down to is that she can't embrace one of my greatest loves...and I have a problem with that. I've told her before that I don't expect her to share my excitement, but that I just want her to support me. And by that I don't mean financially or in any other fashion related to that. Am I asking to much? I don't feel like I am...

We generally talk about everything...until she doesn't like the topic and shuts me down. She makes it clear that she doesn't really care about the things that matter to me the most, save where she is concerned.

[3skulls]

I would never sign a contract with a person that can't share in my passion. Seems like it would make her happy to see you get excited about something.

It might just be a ton of stress with her job and being away right now.

My girl gets upset when I'm the one saying that we don't have room for a new snake right now. I guess I'm lucky.

She is really going to pissed about the Tarantulas :p

Good luck and I hope you guys get everything worked out.

[Daybreaker]

^ Well, you won't know what the issue is till you talk to her (best in person, of course). I hope you two can work it out and congrats on your new boa.

[WarriorPrincess90]

Sorry to rant. I don't know many people with whom I can share my snake related frustrations that will understand like the people on this forum. I really do appreciate every response and I will *try* to talk to her. Although, there's only so much I can do when she will literally hang up on me when we get on a topic she doesn't like. *sigh*

I feel a bit silly for whining in retrospect, but I felt like I was about to explode if I didn't get it out.

And thanks Angelica! I really was extremely excited about the prospect. If I find the perfect one and decide to go through with the purchase, I will definitely be sharing pictures next weekend.

[WarriorPrincess90]

I would never sign a contract with a person that can't share in my passion. Seems like it would make her happy to see you get excited about something.

It might just be a ton of stress with her job and being away right now.

My girl gets upset when I'm the one saying that we don't have room for a new snake right now. I guess I'm lucky.

She is really going to pissed about the Tarantulas :p

Good luck and I hope you guys get everything worked out.

You are definitely lucky! Sounds like you found a keeper there!

And yes, Ts might actually push her over the edge. So I will most definitely be waiting for a while on those.

[LotusCorvus]

Yeeaaaah there's some definite communication issues, as well as whatever her deal with refusing to make an equal exchange on the helping-each-other-with-bad-days thing is. My partner is not a pet person, they've had awful experiences with pets as a kid, but aside from asking me not to get tarantulas I can do just about whatever I want since its my money and I'm the one taking care of them. I could even be okay with her giving me a limit on numbers (mostly for my own sake, I have a tendency to go in over my head and then work myself to death). But this goofy stuff your fiance is pulling is unreasonable. She's allowed to change how she feels about things, but she needs to be upfront about it, not just keep trying to come up with excuses to avoid the situation entirely. There's definitely gotta be some underlying stuff going on, whether its just that she never learned to be upfront with how she feels about things or that she's actually just that selfish, which you should try and get her to work on with you. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped though, so you may need to reconsider some of your options.