5-23-11

[wilomn]

It's funny how things shake out, what you come to realize as it were, when what happens to you, me in this case, affects so many others. Though it may not seem like it here, or on the net in general, I'm not really much of a public kind of guy; keep pretty much to myself. I don't do youtube videos, I don't post tons of pictures anyplace, look for me by name on face book and you won't find me. Contrary to what some insist must be true, attention is not one of my goals. Not even here.

Using this forum, which the staff was kind and gracious enough to give me, has me at odds with my own self, debating what I should or shouldn't write or share. At what point does it go from me telling my tale of cancer and its ancillary companions to being an attention seeking turdburglar like that bigg gunned idiot who used to have a crush on me? Not being like him and those whose mold he was cast from (he's hardly an original) has been one of my goals for a lot longer than I've been active online.

And yet, here I am telling a tale that can do nothing but bring me to the attention of those to whom I would normally prefer invisibility. It's a bit of a dilemma. Especially since I like to write and some seem to like to read what I have written, or if not like at least have an opinion about which is just as good.

I suppose, no I know but it still feels, sounds, odd to say so, that the goal here is two-fold at least. I know some will glean from this things that will be of assistance, that will aid them with others in similar plights to my own or even help in personal ways no one will ever know save the one helped. While I like this idea, doing so where it can be seen, out in the open, not stealthy at all, touches a tender spot for me, in me that gives me pause constantly. I like to know why I do things. Not just the surface why either, but the deep down reality visceral from the gut not the brain, reason. Why and why.That's the first fold. The whys.

The second fold is almost the opposite of the first, which brings me to the reason for this post. This forum is, in essence, all about me, but me isn't about me alone, meaning this forum, following my logic, is not about me alone. I suppose it's becoming about not only my cancer journey but my personal journey through the twists and convoluted turns of my personal life as Wes as well as the life I have online as Wilomn. For the record I am nowhere near as clever, quick or fun in real life as I am online; every bit the smart ass, just not as quick at it in real time. Hard as it is to believe, prior to these last few months, I managed to keep Wes life very separate from Wilomn life.

Change. Heh. Big changes, little changes, new changes. Thinking about how what I do affects others is a big new one even though I know, have known for a long time, that I ..... well, enable people to think or see in ways or from angles, perspectives, newly found. Through this I too find new points of view demanding my attention, new thoughts crowding into my packed to capacity dome clamoring for their fifteen seconds of synaptic relay, er attention, all the while making me not what I was.

Not what I was is what started me writing this morning. I have largely been a loner for many years. I spend most of my time with myself. I work for myself mostly by myself. I spend a LOT of time on the road in the company of just me. The fruit of my loins have grown up enough that I am no longer needed 24/7. I am not, oddly to those who know me only online, a real social kind of guy. Thinking about how my actions, my desires, my being OK with not being in the midst of many constantly, affects others, especially my family, is not something I gave a whole lot of thought to prior to these last few months, the last few days in particular. I did what I did because it's what I wanted to do, needed to do, felt I should do, not out of meanness or any other ness, I simply didn't have to worry, be concerned for, anyone but me. My family loved me, my kids and I have always been tight, those who didn't get it I didn't worry about, those who did needed no worry at all.

Now though, now it's different. Even though this is all about me, it's not just me that it's all about. Sometimes I forget that.

My mother is about as good a mother as anyone could get, could wish for. If more mothers were like her there would be far fewer stupid uncaring ignorant self centered asswipes seeking only to preen, acquire, lie, cheat and steal out there making their mothers sad to have ever borne them.

Father's day, wonderful hallmark holiday that it is, arrives soon. There are several fathers in my family and most years, not all but most, we get together as a family. In the past I usually, not always, attended. I've just never been the most social of people and the drive, since we don't live close by and I spend so much time on the road as it is, has been enough deterrent to keep me from some of these gatherings. Mother's day, birthdays, other holidays combined with the occasional no reason get togethers, sure, I was at most of them, didn't give much thought to what my not being there meant to them, my family. Afterall, they knew me, knew how I worked, had spoken of this with me.

Now though, it's a bit different. Not to be morbid, and I don't think it will be, even though what I think has little to do with what actually is or will be, there may be no more Father's Day hallmark holidays for me. Now I have to consider not just what I want to do but how what I want will affect others in ways significant as never before.

In the past if I passed on a get together it was no big deal, there would be another soon enough that I would likely show up for. They all knew it wasn't anything personal, it was just the way I was and I was OK with that. I suppose they were too. If they weren't, well, that's the way it was.

The point you ask, what's the point to this rambling? Sharp and simple the point is. It's not just about me. I forget sometimes that there is a LOT going on in the lives of my family and friends that I am not privy to. I have been made aware of the impact a single person can have. An impact to which I was not ignorant yet had not really taken into personal consideration.

A family BBQ was proposed for the weekend before I go to see The Amazons and get my stem cell transplant. A Father's Day BBQ the week before Father's Day because I will be an inmate at City of Hope during the actual hallmark holiday. My initial reaction, based on me being myself, not wanting to drive the couple hours or more necessary to get to this gathering, not really wanting to be with anyone but my own kids that last weekend, not really thinking of anyone but myself, I declined to attend. In and of itself, not that unusual. Heck, Mother's Day is just a month off and being the son of a really good Mother I try to make it to those.

Having nixed the BBQ idea, being caught up in my own drama, wondering just what it will be like to be confined, medicated, treated, maybe dying maybe not, I failed to consider what others, my own Mother most of all, were feeling. Sometimes I forget that they too are on one hell of a suckass trip with me. They have to watch as I go through all this crap and they know, though none have said so in so many words and even though the chances are slim, that there may be no more Father's Day or any other get togethers for me. I don't always remember that as much as this is all about me, it's not all about me to anyone else.

This realization blows. It would be far easier, much better, if it was just me dealing with this. But it's not. I know, have known, it's not. Having the actual incarceration date looming so close though, seeing now that this is not just a typical yearly get together, realizing that I am important to them, even though I never doubted that I was, kinda makes me .... not quite ashamed, I have done nothing shameful, but rather stupid. I should have realized. I should have known before. As much as this is about me, it's not just about me. I suppose none of us are just about ourselves alone which for someone like me who knows this, having it brought home this way, is odd. I feel like I should have known this, which I did, only not in the way I do now. They need to, want to, are happy to, show how much they care not just for me, but for each other.

The ones who care, family, friends, acquaintances, what do they do? How do they cope? I don't know the answer to that. I do know though that I can help out by remembering what I already knew.

It's about them (you readers) too.

I'll go to the BBQ. I'll enjoy it, that was never in question. My brother in law is a damnfine cook, my family is one to be jealous of, if you knew them you'd want them for your own, and, most important for today, every day really, it's not just about me. Remembering that I've forgotten that is important. Not forgetting it again, even more important.

[llovelace]

Thank you

[Sammy412]

x2. I think we all forget sometimes that what we do or don't do does not just affect us, but those who care about us as well.

[Inknsteel]

Thanks for the reminder. It's one of those things that's too easy to lose sight of... Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go call my mommy...

[fishmommy]

good stuff.

an anecdote:
a good friend of mine, at 34, got the worst possible diagnosis: pancreatic cancer. The following, and last, 3 months of his life were spent in great pain. He chose to withdraw from his great many friends. That was his choice and I honestly can't fault him for making it.
However, the circle of friends and I were left with a pain much greater than the actual loss when he died. The pain of not being allowed to walk the final mile with him was far worse than the death.

I think you're gonna beat this thing, but even so, sharing your journey with those close to you will help them more than you know. An it will hopefully help you too.