Down and out.

[stormwulf133]

I don't care if anyone reads this or responds. I suppose I just need to vent how I am feeling.

I am pretty much just considering giving up on pretty much everything at this point. Due to some life changing events that I did not want, it seems like I don't care about much anymore. My relationship is all but over, and to the point I don't care.

Have you ever felt like saying forget it to everything? I am not talking about suicide, but just plain giving up. Pretty much just zombieing out and going through the motions?

I seem to have lost my "give a ..."

I used to love my girlfriend. Now we barely speak. I went a month without seeing her. I will never find anyone like her again, she is everything you would want in a gf, except physically. AND except in one choice she made in life. Now I no longer see her as the person that I loved. I am still in love with that person, but see her as someone totally different. I hate and resent this new person for changing my life so drastically.

I used to be an avid gamer. I used to play WoW as well as a tabletop wargame known as Warhammer 40k. I don't care to even so much as long on to WoW anymore. I have no motivation to level or do anything. I have no motivation to talk to my friends on there which are all probably gone anyway. As far as 40k goes, not only do I not have the will to bother to try to play, but I also don't have the will or care to work on the models I need to play the game. I have thousands of dollars of stuff just laying around that I may never pick up again.

My fish and snakes used to be a large part of my world. I was so excited to start breeding. Now I could care less. I feed them. I water them. As far as the fish go, I do the bare minimum of water changes, but they do get done. But thats it. I haven't bothered to actually hold one my animals in a long while. Don't get me wrong. I do make sure they are healthy because I know I am responsible for their care, but I do it based on that reason only. I look at it as something I simply have to do, not because I love it anymore. Part of what burnt me out was not being able to sell most of my baby corn snakes. I am still stuck with them. The government has not helped with what seem like a ban on my animals every single day. I am just sick of it all. I don't even often turn my fish lights on to view them.

I have an older xbox that I haven't touched in months. I have a few games half finished but I don't even care. I have no interest in finishing them. The thing just sits there and collects dust.

Finally to the point of my friends. I am considering just abandoning them. Every last one of them. I tell them the problem I have in life, and they just can't grip what I am so upset about. They think I should be happy with my situation and how things turned now. They simply can not fathom why I would be the total opposite about it. I am pretty much just tired of them. They are nothing but a bother to me at this point. It is so much effort to even pick up the phone when one of them calls.

As far as my job goes, I am pretty much sick to death of that as well. I go in every day and have to deal with the stupidity of the corporate retail world. Now it is the stupidity of the corporate retail world around the holidays. The ignorance of people at this point just makes me think the entire human race is a waste of air on this planet. I used to love what I did, but now as with everything else, I do it because I have to.

I take no pleasure in anything anymore. I eat because I have to, not because I like food. I drink because I have to. I drink alcohol only to ease the pain. My girlfriend, or whatever she is at this point, wants me to get on anti-depressant medication. The problem is I don't believe in that. I can understand if someone is depressed due to a chemical imbalance, then it is a medical issue that needs addressed. But I am depressed just due to life sucking so very bad for me. There are no "make life not suck" pills. Anything I take would just be false happiness.

Sorry for the super long rant. Has anyone else been there?

[Darkice]

Ok don’t get mad at me but MAN UP! Quit being a wuss and take some responsibility with your life.
If your life is not going in the direction you want it’s Your fault and yours alone. Giving up is not the answer. If you are at rock bottom and can’t get any lower Up is not the only choice there is. People forget there is a sideways. Pick a new direction and stick to it. You just need a change of scenery. And don’t throw it away because of some chick. It’s a girlfriend, you shouldn't have that strong of an attachment.
If it’s not working out and you split up then that’s a good thing. It means one of you isn't happy. And who wants to be unhappy. If you really loved her then you should be happy for her no matter what. And find a new one. There are billions of people in the world just pick a new one you like. It’s easy.

Or if it’s just normal depression get some medical help.

[Darkice]

I love in Omaha if you need to get away come visit me. Ill hook you up with some chicks. I work with several hot and crazy ones. Oh, and they have Money.

[Oxylepy]

Have you ever felt like saying forget it to everything? I am not talking about suicide, but just plain giving up. Pretty much just zombieing out and going through the motions?

I spent my life until I was 9 with a father in the Air Force, and after that I moved constantly, never really spent more than 4 years in the same place until highschool. I get to this point pretty easily, and I am very good at just dropping everything and moving.

I used to play Warhammer 40k and Fantasy, and I just got into it again because I feel like working on my Chapter Fluff.

Abandoning friends is easy, I get like that a lot and just drop people, I'm very lucky to have found a military brat as a friend, people on the outside don't get it and tend to hold grudges or not understand the urge to really just disappear, but one of my college friends is the same way because she spent her whole life in a military family, and we both get to the point where we disappear for a while, but we do come back and say sorry.

About 2 weeks ago I was trying to figure out how to kill myself effectively, all the ODing options turned out to require an amount of the drug that would make one ill before hitting, stupid LD50s. I finally figured on just chlorine gas in a closet, but I decided not to die recently and stopped self mutilating myself and got back on the whole life thing, but I found that I have issues now starting conversations with new people, which irks me since at the beginning of the semester I was known for my ability to talk to anyone.

The loss of desire is a temporary effect of depression. I spent 3 weeks not eating regularly and having a horridly irregular heartbeat, all from depression. It was hard to even go to school and my grades have been slipping. But it goes away, it's part of dealing with loss, and its really one of those grit your teeth and bear it things, which is horrid and is not what anyone wants to hear. You always look for a quick fix, and there really arent any.

You will find someone new, in time, but right now I'd suggest not trying to push out of your depression, but to push into it. Force yourself to think of things that hurt you emotionally, and keep at it, the more you think about it and face it the faster everything will pass by. And I dont mean fast as in 2 days, I mean weeks of agony, but over time it all will seem like its been handled, you've been through all of it, and you'll be able to stand back up and be fine.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I wish I could help more, but really the only person who can help you is you, and it stinks even more that a characteristic of being depressed is a sense of powerlessness. I'm actually glad I learned all of this prior to my most recent state of depression, because had I not known as much as I do about neurochemistry then this could have gone on a lot longer and been a lot more damaging.

No matter how powerless you feel, you are the only one with power, dont grant that to anyone else, the only person with control over you is you.

[withonor]

...My girlfriend, or whatever she is at this point...

This is probably the root cause of all your problems. I say this not because I'm a psychologist but because it was for me. I went from living with her for four years to seeing her once a week or month for a few hours at a time and only being able to contact her through email. I don't even know how I can classify that as a girlfriend.

I was an avid gamer also, spending a lot of time playing WoW too. I started playing because it was fun but slowly I started playing to live in an alternate reality. Eventually that didn't work and I didn't want to do anything. I'd log onto the game and watch TV.

At some point I hit a breaking point and I decided that I wouldn't give a crap about her if she didn't care about me the same way. Suddenly she was expendable and I could do without her. If you're anything like me you imagine what you want in a girlfriend, it's nothing different than her, just a version of her that makes more time for you.

Anyway, the only way you're going to be happy is if you understand that you have control over your situation, though some decisions are tough, and you stop putting so much effort into things you have no control over.

Good luck.

[BPHERP]

Nobody is immune to depression, some get it worse then others, while some are less effected by it. You will find out, however, that life is about perspectives, and perspectives are a result of how you look at things. This means you need to get out of the box you are in and talk to people like you are doing here. Also, anyone that gives you a hard time about "manning up" does not understand that we all go through things through the course of our lives. But, I will say that gaming, herping, girlfriends and anything else are about moderation; each of those things are in your control, meaning, you decide how much WoW to play, or, how many herps to have, or even, how your girlfriend stuff goes. At the end of the day, you can only control your actions, and your actions start with how you think, so start focusing on small positive things in your life and then graduate to bigger positives, whatever they may be.

[withonor]

Nobody is immune to depression, some get it worse then others, while some are less effected by it. You will find out, however, that life is about perspectives, and perspectives are a result of how you look at things. This means you need to get out of the box you are in and talk to people like you are doing here. Also, anyone that gives you a hard time about "manning up" does not understand that we all go through things through the course of our lives. But, I will say that gaming, herping, girlfriends and anything else are about moderation; each of those things are in your control, meaning, you decide how much WoW to play, or, how many herps to have, or even, how your girlfriend stuff goes. At the end of the day, you can only control your actions, and your actions start with how you think, so start focusing on small positive things in your life and then graduate to bigger positives, whatever they may be.

You make a really good point about MODERATION, just want to emphasize that. Also the idea of perspectives is very important. Two different people could be presented with the same exact scenario but react in different ways because of past experiences. I agree with you about the "manning up" statement also. It's funny that in our society things that have been labeled "manly" are generally very unhealthy and probably why women outlive men.

One thing I meant to say in my first post and you reminded me of is that I don't think what I felt in my situation was depression at all. I felt anger, a lot of it, but I didn't want to direct it to where it was being generated out of fear. There are many things that can give you a physical outlet for anger, such as working out, but only one thing will give you the necessary psychological outlet and that is confronting the source.

[Big Gunns]

BG hasn't been quite that bad, but Big Gunns knows some of what you're feeling. You need to get away from it all. Take a vacation...NOW!!!!! It sounds like the gf might have a lot to do with your issues, but you're not telling us everything. Get in your car and drive to Florida....NOW!!!! Laying on the beach without anyone to bother you will really help you clear your head. Tell the boss you have the swine flu and roll.

It really seems like you need some sort of life change though. A vacation will help you realize what you want to do. Good luck to you. Don't just do nothing. BG tells everyone. If your life sucks...only you can change it....do it!!!!!!

[Darkice]

Don’t hate me because I was trying the tough love approach. It worked for me when I was in the Marines. I had a gun in my mouth but was too much of a coward to pull the trigger. And it’s a good thing. I now have the perfect marriage and the perfect life.
Sometimes when people are depressed they just need a kick in the pants to get them going again. Im not saying this is the case but most of them are just looking for attention so you can’t baby them.

[withonor]

Don’t hate me because I was trying the tough love approach. It worked for me when I was in the Marines. I had a gun in my mouth but was too much of a coward to pull the trigger. And it’s a good thing. I now have the perfect marriage and the perfect life.
Sometimes when people are depressed they just need a kick in the pants to get them going again. Im not saying this is the case but most of them are just looking for attention so you can’t baby them.

It all makes sense now, say no more marine... Or did we call you jarheads. No offense, I was a flyboy.

Tough love and saying "man up" are two different things in my opinion. Tough love is presenting reality. Telling someone to "man up" is telling them they need to fit the societal image of a man who is tough, rugged and impermeable, in other words in-human. I don't disagree with everything you said, just one thing.