Personal, venting.... so fustrating.....

And by the way, I've heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results. :cool: Chew on that...

Coming from a woman's perspective (and one who's been jerked around and is currently in a relationship she is questioning due to said jerking) you need to get out of the current relationship you're in. You're not committed to her, and you're wasting her time and yours. It's not fair to either one of you.

My recommendation would be to stay alone for awhile. Figure YOU out. Seek counseling as others have said... even if it's not professional, even if it's just talking to different people and getting different perspectives. It sounds like you've lost yourself a bit and that you're trying to jump into things that make you feel good and that maybe you're looking for someone to create happiness for you. Let me tell you what I've learned: Other people CANNOT create happiness for you. Maybe they can make you feel good for awhile, but only YOU can create your own happiness. You'll always end up disappointed in the end... and probably hurting someone else too.

Having been through a situation with many similarities to yours, I would, hands down, not advise going back to your ex. You can definitely forgive her, but that doesn't mean you have to, or should, go back to her. Instead of thinking of it in terms of potential self-preservation, try to think of it as something that would be good for the growth of both of you: You are saving yourself from being used, manipulated, and (probably) cheated on again, while she desperately needs, NEEDS to learn that she can't just rebuild bridges after burning them down. As much as it sucks, ultimately, you win, she wins, and whomever the two of you end up actually dating will win as well.

First loves are tough, especially if it was fairly long-term, and especially if the breakup wasn't mutual. I feel you on so many levels with this, and my words come from my own experience. Block the ex, have someone you trust delete her phone number. Tell your current girlfriend how you've been feeling, and give her the option to move on if you're undecided what to do there (this sounds sucky, but it is so much less cruel for her than walking a tightrope and wondering whether or not she'll be dumped for someone else when she wakes up every day). Lean on your friends, cry if you need to, and consider looking into some sort of counseling or therapy to help you resolve your feelings about your ex and the fallout of those feelings. In another 5 years, I bet you'll end up being really, really happy with yourself. :)

You've gotten great advice. You are in love with the idea of your ex - the crazy, sexy, cool, kooky - whatever - that made you fall in love in with her in the first place. But the REAL her was treacherous with your love.

She still holds power over you. That is the reality. It sucks - for you and your innocent current GF. But because she left you (in a totally selfish and despicable way, by the way), she's the unattainable fruit and you have no closure, so that gives her this undeserved measure of power over you.

For your own sanity I would cease all communication with the ex. You don't need her as a GF and you don't need her as a friend. She wields too much control over your heart, and your heart cannot be trusted. To me, the WAY she left you - that alone is enough to chop her out of your life for good. That is cold blooded and cruel. We don't know her side - heck, maybe you deserved it (devil's advocate), but if everything is as you said, those personality traits don't go away. They just get masked for a bit.

If you are thinking clearly, with your head and power of reason, and you truly have no love for your GF, then you should end it. But I would never do it with the thought of freeing up space for the ex. That tiger showed you her stripes and you should consider her an ex for good.

After thinking on the dilemma you are facing, I don't want to come across as self righteous, speaking as a woman that has been single for a very long time, my question to you is do you want someone in your life or do you need someone? It toke me forever to realize I don't need someone in my life just to take up time and space, would I like a great guy to watch Star Trek reruns, bring my a delicious dinner (taco bell bean burrito) random make fart noises with, sing off key sure sounds fun but I figure if it happens it happens if not there is always the tried and true , Crazy Cat Lady to fall back on :rofl: whatever you choice do it because it feels right to the very center of your being don't chase ghost those are better left in scrap books. Best wishes always :P

I agree with just about everyone. It sounds like some counseling will help, but definitely try and move on. It may be hard, but I have had a family member go through something very similar - only he relented and let the woman back in again and again only to be hurt and used. It took several years for him to see what all of us were seeing and finally end it. It was terrible for all involved and caused a lot of issues in the family.

I can't speak to your current relationship, but a relationship that has one party in love and one that is just present (no matter how much they 'like' the other) is not fair to either party. If she (the current one) is also just with you because you get along and are comfortable together but love is not part of it yet, then maybe see what happens. But I think both parties need to be at or want to be at the same state emotionally for something long term to be successful.

Good luck. I hope you find what makes you happy.

What we want and what we can have are usually two diff things. Honestly a lot of us want things that may be bad for us, why? I don't know. Been there and done that.. The simple fact the Ex left in the fashion she did is a HUGE Red Flag...
What might be a better question is why do we want what we don't have that was proven not to be good and are willing to give something up that we do have even when its good?


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Originally Posted by Skyrivers

I agree to a point. Sometimes forgiveness is something that should be given. Not sure this is it.

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There is a big difference between forgiveness and enabling. You can forgive someone and at the same time not allow them to repeat past transgressions.

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Originally Posted by ladywhipple02

Coming from a woman's perspective (and one who's been jerked around and is currently in a relationship she is questioning due to said jerking) you need to get out of the current relationship you're in. You're not committed to her, and you're wasting her time and yours. It's not fair to either one of you.

My recommendation would be to stay alone for awhile. Figure YOU out. Seek counseling as others have said... even if it's not professional, even if it's just talking to different people and getting different perspectives. It sounds like you've lost yourself a bit and that you're trying to jump into things that make you feel good and that maybe you're looking for someone to create happiness for you. Let me tell you what I've learned: Other people CANNOT create happiness for you. Maybe they can make you feel good for awhile, but only YOU can create your own happiness. You'll always end up disappointed in the end... and probably hurting someone else too.

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I did end the relationship with the current GF last night. I am happy with my life and content with everything else but missing the EX. Not looking for someone to make me feel good and I don't feel bad about myself. Just sad missing what I thought I had and now the EX is asking for a second chance.

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Originally Posted by Pengil

Having been through a situation with many similarities to yours, I would, hands down, not advise going back to your ex. You can definitely forgive her, but that doesn't mean you have to, or should, go back to her. Instead of thinking of it in terms of potential self-preservation, try to think of it as something that would be good for the growth of both of you: You are saving yourself from being used, manipulated, and (probably) cheated on again, while she desperately needs, NEEDS to learn that she can't just rebuild bridges after burning them down. As much as it sucks, ultimately, you win, she wins, and whomever the two of you end up actually dating will win as well.

First loves are tough, especially if it was fairly long-term, and especially if the breakup wasn't mutual. I feel you on so many levels with this, and my words come from my own experience. Block the ex, have someone you trust delete her phone number. Tell your current girlfriend how you've been feeling, and give her the option to move on if you're undecided what to do there (this sounds sucky, but it is so much less cruel for her than walking a tightrope and wondering whether or not she'll be dumped for someone else when she wakes up every day). Lean on your friends, cry if you need to, and consider looking into some sort of counseling or therapy to help you resolve your feelings about your ex and the fallout of those feelings. In another 5 years, I bet you'll end up being really, really happy with yourself. :)

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It has been almost 3 years and still miss her very much. So many little things meant so much. I have always been completely honest with the current GF. She hopes to change me. LOL. You cant change anyone. Just like I cant change who the EX is. Just makes me sad that the EX is that way.

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Originally Posted by hilabeans

You've gotten great advice. You are in love with the idea of your ex - the crazy, sexy, cool, kooky - whatever - that made you fall in love in with her in the first place. But the REAL her was treacherous with your love.

She still holds power over you. That is the reality. It sucks - for you and your innocent current GF. But because she left you (in a totally selfish and despicable way, by the way), she's the unattainable fruit and you have no closure, so that gives her this undeserved measure of power over you.

For your own sanity I would cease all communication with the ex. You don't need her as a GF and you don't need her as a friend. She wields too much control over your heart, and your heart cannot be trusted. To me, the WAY she left you - that alone is enough to chop her out of your life for good. That is cold blooded and cruel. We don't know her side - heck, maybe you deserved it (devil's advocate), but if everything is as you said, those personality traits don't go away. They just get masked for a bit.

If you are thinking clearly, with your head and power of reason, and you truly have no love for your GF, then you should end it. But I would never do it with the thought of freeing up space for the ex. That tiger showed you her stripes and you should consider her an ex for good.

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Originally Posted by C.Marie

After thinking on the dilemma you are facing, I don't want to come across as self righteous, speaking as a woman that has been single for a very long time, my question to you is do you want someone in your life or do you need someone? It toke me forever to realize I don't need someone in my life just to take up time and space, would I like a great guy to watch Star Trek reruns, bring my a delicious dinner (taco bell bean burrito) random make fart noises with, sing off key sure sounds fun but I figure if it happens it happens if not there is always the tried and true , Crazy Cat Lady to fall back on :rofl: whatever you choice do it because it feels right to the very center of your being don't chase ghost those are better left in scrap books. Best wishes always :P

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I think all this adds up to just being alone again. I am ok with being alone. Just sad the EX is the way she is. I ended things with the current GF last night. Was honest with her all along. She was hoping to change things by being a better option that would love and care for me. I don't love her though and so have ended it.