Pun and Games

I figured it might be fun to share some puns! I'll start!

Did you hear about the short psychic that broke out of prison? (scroll down)













































He was a small medium at large!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:



.....





"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink... the bar keep says, "We don't serve rope here, buddy!" The rope walks outside and jumps and twists around until he was all frazzled and tangled up. He walks back into the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says, "Hey, ain't you that piece of rope that was just in here?" The rope replies.....















"Nope! I'm afraid not!" *frayed knot* (Cheesy drum roll please)

A termite walks into a bar and asks . .







Is the bar tender here?

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off?












He's all right now!

Do you know the name of the guy in the water with no arms or legs?






.....




Bob

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him, so the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to pursue them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store
saying he would be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that.....








only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

:rolleye2:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SecurityStacey

only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

:rolleye2:

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Ba dum dum!!!

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

And of course one for Halloween....

An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the spirits.

There were people who posted ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.


Unfortunately,
No Pun In Ten Did.


:rolleyes:

If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!

Alright... this is in my top three favorites...


Two men Pepe and Don Pedro, had been lost in the desert for
weeks and were at death's door. They stumbled on, hoping for salvation
in the form of an oasis or even a barrel cactus. Suddenly they spied
off in the distance through the heat and haze, what looked like a
tree. And where there are trees... there's water!


As they got closer, they saw that it was indeed a tree... and it was
draped with slabs upon slabs of bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy
bacon, juicy almost-raw bacon, bacon of all sorts.


"Hey, Pepe," cried Don Pedro, "Ees a bacon tree! We are saved!"


"You're right, amigo!" said Pepe as he went running ahead up to the
tree, salivating at the prospect of food. But when he got to within
five feet of the tree, the sound of machine gun fire erupted and down
he went in a hail of bullets!


Don Pedro quickly dropped down on the sand and called out to his dying
friend, "Pepe! Pepe! What happened?"


With his dying breath, Pepe called out, "Run, amigo, run! Ees not a
bacon tree...


...Ees...


...Ees...


...Ees a ham bush!"

:8: HAHAHAHA!!!! I'm lovin this thread! :D

This thread made my night!

Justin

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Laooda

"Nope! I'm afraid not!" *frayed knot* (Cheesy drum roll please)

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My Dad's all-time favorite joke!! Brought tears to my eyes!

Thanks for this thread, Robin....I think it's brought some much-needed grins and giggles! :hug:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by marmie

A termite walks into a bar and asks . .







Is the bar tender here?

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my god am I slow tonight this one took me a while. lol. I know I need beer. That will help and after enough of it I won't know if it doesnt work lol.

As a kid I was completely tickled by state humor. (yes I already know what a big dork I am!)

What did Delaware?






She wore a New Jersey






What did Idaho?







A Mary land.



(sorry I'll stop now :giggle: )

yeah its old and corny but...

whats the largest pencil in the world?......................









Pennsylvania. :giggle: dont worry folks, I'll be here all week :D

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you" and the grasshopper says





Wait for it . . .





"Really, you have a drink named Steve?"

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

OMG this thread is so PUNNY

Bad psychology pun...

Two psychologists were out ice-skating. One was a follower of Freud's philosophies, the other was a follower of Carl Jung's. As they were skating, the psychologist who studied Freud hit a bad patch of ice, and his feet went out from under him, and he fell flat on his rear.

His friend just started laughing and laughing, and couldn't stop. Irritated, the man brushed himself off, stood up, and said, "What's so funny?"

The Jungian recovered, took a deep breath, and replied, "Sorry, but that's the first time I've ever actually seen a Freudian slip!"

Hah!

There was once this town band that was led by a young and inexperienced director.

In the band was this guy playing the cymbals who never came in on the right beat. They practiced and practiced but he never could get it right. So the frustrated conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."

When the time came for the percussionist to play his cymbals, as usual he came in late. And so the maddened director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

The police came and arrested him. He was tried, convicted and after exhausting all appeals eventually wound up on death row. Finally, the day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd gathered and watched with anticipation, the executioner pulled the switch ... but nothing happened. The executioner checked the connections, checked the chair, tightened down all the straps and threw the switch again. STILL nothing happened. Everyone was wondering what went wrong.

But the band director knew what was happening. Filled with remorse by all that had taken place, he cried,







"I never was a very good conductor!"


:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Thor26

OMG this thread is so PUNNY

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:rofl: 10 points! :judge:

Again... great stuff!

What do you call a melon that's not allowed to get married?





















Can't elope.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do?


Board!

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you" and the mushrooms says "why not? I'm a fungi (fun guy)"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by marmie

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you" and the mushrooms says "why not? I'm a fungi (fun guy)"

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Similar to this:
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
Why did the fungi leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom!

A man and a giraffe go into a bar and get to really drinking. Eventually the giraffe passes out but the man keeps drinking. When he is done he gets up to leave and the bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there."




And the guys says, "That's not a lion, thats a giraffe."


.....


Getting closer. Thats my second favorite....

You know what you get when you give a ghost a wedgie?


A hand full of sheet!

Alright folks... here comes #1... and just so everyone knows... you have my apologizes now....

Trevor loves tractors, he absolutely adores them.

He has tractor sheets, tractor curtains, tractor cutlery, he even has an old tractor in the garden he loves to tinker with.

So when Trevor hears that the Tractor show is in town, he's ecstatic.

He puts on his tractor socks, suit, and tractor tie, and walks to the show. He goes into the first showroom, and straight away there's the most beautiful tractor he's ever seen. It's parts are polished so much he can see his face in them.

He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up onto the tractor, and finds the key. He turns it.
"Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

The tractor starts up, and just when he's enjoying the sound of it, the tractor turns off and he's pulled off the seat by a large man in a suit (but no tractors on his tie)

"What do you think you are doing? This is a tractor show, not a joyride site!" says the angry man.

"Sorry" says Trevor, and goes on his way.

The next room has a large Trac-2000 tractor. Trevor's heard about these in his tractor magazines, they're meant to be faster than anything. The wheels reach up to his head, and it too glistens in the lights of the showroom. But those niggling thoughts creep in again, he looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up the steps into the canopy, reaches for the keys, and turns it. "vvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV"

The tractor starts up, it sounds like a dream, but before he can grab the steering wheel he is once again accosted and pulled out of the tractor.

"What on Earth are you doing?" says the angry man, "If I catch you doing that again, you're out of here!"

Trevor is upset, but his love of tractors wins, and he goes onto the next showroom.

"Hmm... I wonder where the tractor is" he thinks.

Then he realises that in each corner of the large room is the bottom of a wheel. He is in fact standing underneath what may be the biggest tractor in existence. It's even got tours around the multiple floors of the inside. So he gets in the elevator next to the right-front whel, and heads to the top floor, the bridge of the tractor.

He steps out, and everything's beautiful. Glistening with crystal, gold, diamonds, with liquid crystal touchscreen displays for the controls.

And he can't help it... He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

At this time, he doesn't care about the warning from the angry man running the showroom. He reaches for one of the controls and presses "On"

The sound is glorious! His ears prick up at what sounds like an airplane engine mixed with the beeps of the bridge's many tractor diagnostic and startup tools.

He looks around, enjoying every minute, but as he sits in the driver's chair the elevator door opens, and the angry man enters, flanked by two security guards.

Needless to say, Trevor was out on the streets in no time, kicked out by the angry man, who shouts "And I will make sure that you never set foot near another tractor IN YOUR LIFE!"

Trevor is distraught, he loves tractors, but if he can't go near them.......

In his anger, he rips off his tie, removes the pattern from his socks, and goes down the pub to drown his sorrows.

He sits down, the barman recognises his sadness and gives him a whisky on the house.

Suddenly, a fire starts in the back room, people are running, screaming, scared for their lives. People start to file out of the pub, but Trevor quickly stands and walks towards the back room.

He takes a long inhale of breath, and breathes in all the smoke from the room, then runs outside and exhales it all into the sky.

He probably saved countless lives being lost by smoke inhalation.

When the firemen come and congratulate him, they obviously ask, "How did you do it?"

..............
...........
........

"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"


:rofl::neener:

:8: Hahahaha.... great stuff everyone!!! The tractor was told beautifully! lol I love the mushroom ones too! :D

What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on a porch?








Matt

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Nightmare Creatures

What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on a porch?








Matt

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What do you call him if he's hanging on a wall?







Art.

So Bert and Ernie are wondering what to get for dessert and Bert asks Ernie, "Do you want to get ice cream?"



And Ernie says "Sure Bert"