Any stepmoms?

I am.. going to me.. a stepmom! I am coming to grips with this. I don't know if it is from Disney movies, but I have this horribly bad image of stepmoms. I knew countless friends who had horrible ones. Mine was pretty snotty until my dad got his second divorce.. :)
Mark is spending more time with his daughter now (she is 13) and for example, she is cmoing over tomorrow. Any suggestions as to what to do with her? I am not a kid person, though she is pushing the envelope into teendom.. I want to be friendly, but also make sure that it is clear to her that she can't just do whatever she wants in my house.

I am not a step mom. But i am a teenager! Give her some space. But don't forget to be yourself!! Don't be timid. I cant stand when people are timid to me, because I am a teen. Hope this helps some!

not a step-mom, i just wanna give you lots of good luck and ((hugs)) big position to take on, im sure while its going to be tough you will be great

Thanks :) mark does not have custody of her, but in the past years he has tried a lot to make effort to see her/pick her up.. but she is busy a lot! I don't know who is busier, her or he..

Jen we have what is nicely called these days "a blended family". Basically my three older kids have a step-mother (through their father's remarriage) and a stepbrother as well as a step-father (through my remarriage) and a half-brother. It can get complicated. Mix that into a typical teenage girl's moodiness and you've got a situation ripe for problems.

Basically I'd suggest you and Mark sit down and decide your house rules before she ever comes over for a visit. Then let Mark do any "enforcing" that needs done. Your role really right now should just be to see that Mark and his daughter have lots of time together with and without you. Be a friend and older female for his daughter to come to know and trust. If issues come up, then you and Mark can decide what to do as a unit (teenagers will play the divide and conquer game as do almost all kids...even with their birth parents).

Also put yourself in her place honey. It's got to be uncomfortable around you if she doesn't know you well and you are competition for her daddy's attention and time. Try to make her feel welcome and that you support their relationship. Make sure they have one on one time without you around but also some family time for all three of you...eventually one on one girl stuff with you and her. That's the best first steps I think anyone can take as a step-parent.

I'm not a step mom but I have a step dad and my husband is a step dad. As a teenager who suddenly got a "new parent" shoved into my life (I'm not a teeager anymore of course, but was when my mom re-married) there were some things that I hated more than anything:
1. The step trying to "play parent" with me, IE, trying to envoke their "authority" over me in "no uncertain terms".
2. The step trying to "be my buddy". Look pal, I don't know you, I don't love you, you belong to my mother (or father) not me so stop trying to suck up.
3. The step trying to take the place of the "missing parent". You are NOT my mom or dad, you are my mom's, or dad's husband/wife... let's leave it at that.

For a teenager and yeah, 13 qualifies, it can be nearly an impossible endevoure for a step to be invited into their "world". I use the word "invited" intentionally because basically, that's what has to happen. It is nearly impossible to be parent/friend at the same time but that is exactly what a step *needs* to be able to do.
To this day I can't stand my mother's husband and I DON"T consider him my "step dad" or even a part of my family... all because he tried to play hard ball with me and "straighten me out" according to *his* standards.... big mistake, especially with a teenager.

Don't smother her. Don't shy away from her either but... well, keep it "professional" for lack of a better word. She doesn't know you nearly as well as she knows her mom and dad and thus, she is not going to trust you. Also remember, respect is *earned* not *given*. That is a two way street. Don't expect her to respect you right off the top, you will have to earn her respect just as much as she will have to earn yours.... age and experience are moot in matters such as these.

Don't treat her like a kid. She's 13, chances are, she's going to want to be treated like an "adult"...do so. If she screws up, let her know it, but ALWAYS remember to let her know it when she's just being awesome! That is what will help build a foundatioin for a good relationship between the two of you.
If you have seen "step-monsters" first hand, then you already know what to *not* do.
I totally agree with Jo, let Dad do the enforcing of the house rules, it will work out a lot better and if she's going to get mad, she'll be mad at Dad rather than "the new chick".

Take several deep breaths, be who you are, don't hide your personality from her and just be willing to be honest with her but be gentle.

Excellent post!

My only other advice as the non step-parent is don't ever get between Mark and his daughter for good or for bad. Their relationship can include you but it doesn't necessarily have a thing to do with you either, you need to be okay with that. Don't let them put you in the middle of their issues and never put Mark in a place where he feels you has to make a choice between you and his daughter. It's VERY easy to say "oh I wouldn't do that" but honey....it happens to every one of us at some point or other in little and big ways and you just struggle through it. It's not easy and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it. It is and does get better usually or it just settles into a pattern and it is what it is, for better or worse.

it sounds to me like you don't see her much... so i wouldn't worry so much about rules... i'd be more concerned about making it a fun happy time for her and him.

and... i really really dislike the term 'step'... you are NOT a step... you are a person!

i don't allow that term to be used in our family... their 'new' dad is their dad. plain and simple. yes, they may have two dads... but it doesn't make either one any less real.

we use the term "daddy dave" or "daddy michael" (for example)

just my opinion...

Good point(s) Aleesha.
I hadn't thought about the "step" part for a long time until you brought it up. See how you are... making me think again... shame on you! :P

I don't like the whole "step" thing either, but I dislike it less than "half" sibling. My oldest brother is my "half" brother, but... no he's not, he's my "brother", plain and simple. Sabena's siblings (my oldest daughter) are her "half" siblings, but... no they aren't, they are her brother and sisters. I think the same goes with parents. While yes, Mike is Sabena's "step" father, he's also her "father" because he loves and cares for her just as much as if she were his biological daughter. However, Mike came into our lives when Sabena was 2 and they bonded almost immedately so he is by all means "Dad" to her as well as her biological father.
My problem when my mom got re-married wasn't the "step" part, it was the "dad" part. I did not feel as though it was fair to me to have some guy that I didn't hardly know being *pushed* per se' on me as a "dad". To me, that title is a "rite" and one that must be earned.... he's never earned it.
I think that to consider a parent a "step" or "another" or whatever is fine. The thing is that the child must be allowed, in my opinion, to decide whether or not they *want* to call the new parent "mom" or "dad". That's another thing that got to me, my mom insisted that I call Richard "Dad".... not a chance! My dad's name is Charles, not Richard and Richard can NEVER equal up to my "dad", thus, he has not earned the rite of "Dad".

*Edited because my mother's husband's name that he generally goes by got censored! :8:

I am definately backing off and letting them spend time together. The only time I would get authorative is if I saw her doing something that could harm something I own.. but she is older now and I don't see her, for example, playing with knick-knacks, etc. or opening snake tubs of mine.. that sort of thing.
She is Very into horses, and loves snakes. I have to spend time alone with her tonight (Mark has to go to traffic court.. heh; doing 65 in a 55..) and I think that I'll get her into seeing the snakes; maybe feeding a few.. and I will bring in the horses so she can groom them, etc. She knows how to be around them after spending 2 months at a riding camp.. and she is Very into art and drawing also. I will let her use my desk and a few paints/pencils if she wants to.. I am eager to see what she can put out. :)There are a few things (like riding the 4-wheeler, target shooting,etc) that I am not touching though; Mark can do that, and set limits on that, etc.
I am definately Not going to get all mushy and try to press into her as a mommy figure; if she sees me as she would an aunt, or even a family friend, that is fine.

I thouhgt of a few more things. Her mother and Mark seperated before she was 2, so I think that is a better thing than if she had grown up with them together. I did, and my parents divorced when I was 12. My dad cheated on my mom and was/is alcoholic.
It is funny; but while I did have a stepmom, I actually felt more at-ease with her than with my dad. I wondered why she was with him; he had no good job, drank like a fish, etc. They are divorced now, and I highly doubt that he would ever remarry.. but she was never obtrusive when we spent time together and I am glad I never had to deal with a bad stepparent situation. (My mom has sworn off men and will probably never even date again! lol)
I am definately Not a very maternal person regardless, and will definately not be the one to smother her or try to be a second mom. If anything, I would be the aloof one in the situation; I would just let her come to me.

Hello Ginevive,

I have two step daughters of my own, and my husband and I have been together for 7 yrs now (almost 5 of them being married...anniv. on aug. 10th). From experience it can be difficult, and for me I had it a little better but also a little worse I suppose. My stepdaughters were 4 and 5 when my husband and I were 1st together (they are 12 and 13 now), but at the same time I was only 20. The toughest part for me was having to deal with their mom...my husbands ex.
I agree with everyone else here....don't push yourself on her...I had thought of it more like being friends to an extent. I would let him do all the disciplining because she would expect it from him, from you it would just seem like you were being mean which would set you way back in trying to form a relationship with her. Mostly it is just respect and patience. Give her her space but at the same time include her in everything when ever she is there. Ask her her opinion on stuff...... what to do, where to go, what to have for dinner...etc. That kind of thing makes them feel apart of the household as opposed to just being a visitor.
But I think that you are on the right track to forming a great relationship with her, play into her interests... like the snakes and the horses. Maybe even get her her own snake so that she has something that she likes that is all hers. Or get her her own art stuff (easel/desk, paints, pencils..... whatever medium she likes the best) and set up maybe an area in the house that she could see as hers while she is there, that way if things get a little stressful for her she has an area that she could retreat to for awhile.... But I guess that would depend on how much she is around. These are just things I did with my stepdaughters that helped, they liked having their own pets at our house ( they have a cat here and used to have some mice and they still have their own room here.)
I understand the whole being busy thing, my stepdaughters aren't around so much anymore (even though they live 10 min away) Darrel (my husband) works 60+ hours a week now and the girls are always doing something....and I am afraid its only going to get worse (just think in 3 yrs my oldest will be driving!!!)
Mainly don't overthink anything.....just have fun!! It may be a little intimidating at first (I know it was for me) but it will be okay. I think the "evil stepmother" types are those that push themselves on their stepchildren and try to make them follow all kinds of strict rules and try to discipline them.. I think after awhile you will start to get a feel for everything and it will become a breeze!! And don't worry about being "motherly" towards her. I think at this point she wouldn't want that anyway. Right now just treat her with respect and she will come to respect you the same.
I hope that some of this helps you. My girls aren't over a whole lot (I think some of thatr has to do with their mom though too) so when they do come over, we don;t really stress rules (unless thay are trying to do something harmful to themselves or others which is almost never) we just try to have alot of fun. And I think, at least for us, that is the main thing!!

Just wanted to apologize for leaving such a long post.....didn't realize it was that long until I posted it!! Sorry!

jen,

she is going to adore you. you are both into the same stuff... and once you start talking about your passions... her passions will mingle with yours and VOILA insta-bond!!!

denise,

i don't believe in the 'half' term either. we are family... period. come in all shapes and sizes but we are one big family with no steps or halfs (unless of course i want to share) :8:

Thanks for your wonderful posts. Pam, your post is not too long; don't worry!
She is here now, out on the atv with dad. They went to a few stores beforehand and I am just glad that he is able to spend time with her. I am not jealous at all. I don't know if I have ever seen a kid as energetic as her though! She was lovin' being out in the barn, chasing the chickens around (I feel no sympathy toward them; cocky roosters need someone to put them in line! She can't catch them anyways..) And she likes the horses. I wan't wait to see what kind of art she comes up with if she is so inclined. She wants to be a tattoo artist like her dad, and is hooked on Miami Ink..

sounds like a VERY cool kid to have around!!!

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Originally Posted by Ginevive

Thanks for your wonderful posts. Pam, your post is not too long; don't worry!
She is here now, out on the atv with dad. They went to a few stores beforehand and I am just glad that he is able to spend time with her. I am not jealous at all. I don't know if I have ever seen a kid as energetic as her though! She was lovin' being out in the barn, chasing the chickens around (I feel no sympathy toward them; cocky roosters need someone to put them in line! She can't catch them anyways..) And she likes the horses. I wan't wait to see what kind of art she comes up with if she is so inclined. She wants to be a tattoo artist like her dad, and is hooked on Miami Ink..

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:eek: Can I come play at your house too!???
Dang, that girl's got it made... wanna adopt a 34 year old brat? I'll be more than happy to chase the chickens too and groom the horses. :D
Heck, I'll even clean coups and muck out stalls. :carrot:

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Originally Posted by Shadowspider

:eek: Can I come play at your house too!???
Dang, that girl's got it made... wanna adopt a 34 year old brat? I'll be more than happy to chase the chickens too and groom the horses. :D
Heck, I'll even clean coups and muck out stalls. :carrot:

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Yeah, that's what I was thinking...play with Gin's horsies and snakies and draw too? Can we make cookies! =D

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My experience with "blended"; my folks seperated and divorced when I was quite young, 2 or 3 or something and I grew up with my Dad. My step-mom/mom came into the picture soon afterwards and is just as much my mother as my birth mom is (although it did take me a while to realize that and give her the props for raising me).

Everyone around is always confused because I refer to them both as "Mom", hehe (although I have always called my step-mom by her first name because that's how we started off...although sometimes "Mommy" or "Mom-cat", her nickname). Takes a while to get to know me so you can tell which I'm referring to by context. =)

The thing that I wanted to say is the thing that drives me the most crazy; my mom has remarried twice (this last time for good) and her husband is a good guy. But he calls himself my "step-father" - and he isn't. He's "my mother's husband" as far as I am concerned.

Anyway, I guess the point would be similar to what everyone else is saying...=)

Hopefully she's not like me, and just can't "get along". But you two have a STRONG basis for a rock solid friendship. You two both love the same things, and that is a GREAT thing to have.
I have nothing in common with my mom[step, been around since I was 5], and it is difficult at best. But I really think you'll do fine. Your cool! I think you'd be an awesome mom! ;)

Jen,
I think it's wonderful that you want to become involved and are willing to ask for advice. You two will find your niche together and your relationship will form around that. You seem like such a gentle loving person and I think she will see that about you as well.

My 2 older daughters live with their dad and his wife. We all kep a very good relationship with each other and we are a family. I dont refere to her as a step mom ever. She also has 2 boys the same age as my girls. I talk with all of them on the phone. If I send presents for christmas I be sure to include the boys as well. I think it is nice as what could potentially be an uncomfortable situation has turned into 2 family's who for the most part get along well.

Best of luck!

Ohhh if she likes Miami Ink, remind her that the new LA Ink is coming on tv I think August 10th or thereabouts. I'm sure she'll love that you remembered something that interests her. Just be a bud, Jen. She's a young woman, likely not looking for another mother figure anyways but an older female to turn to for advise is something a lot of young girls need in their teen years.

If she is going to be coming over more regularily set up her own "space". Whether that's a room of her own or a dresser for her to store things in, it will make her feel more part of her father's home if she has a place in it. :)

One little trick with teens. Avoid the word NO. They stop listening and basically go deaf when they hear it. If she wants for instance to go riding but you want her to help with the dishes...don't say "no you can't go for a ride". Instead just tell her that you'd love to take her riding, it would be so cool and fun!!!!.....right after the dishes are done. :)

It's harder for a teen to fight you on things when you haven't said no to anything. Drives em nuts! Save the big NO for things that really need that face to face "you may absolutely NOT" do stuff situations. It'll mean more then.

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If she is going to be coming over more regularily set up her own "space". Whether that's a room of her own or a dresser for her to store things in, it will make her feel more part of her father's home if she has a place in it.

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Cha-ching! Give Jo a cookie! :D
VERY good idea. ;) Having one's own "space" that is all theirs and no one else is allowed in... without prior written consent and a doctor's note that is :P is probably one of the best things any parent can do for a teen... especially a teen. If you have a room for her, she will, no doubt, totally love that. A place to call "my own" in this house, thus, it is more "my house"... "our house"... "home" rather than just "Dad's and Gin's house.
Well heck, ya know what, give her 2 cookies. The "no" thing was a diamond too!

My kids hate that "she won't say NO" parenting thing. They give me that LOOK...but I just grin and keep saying....

"wow your friends are all going to the mall...HOW MUCH FUN IS THAT!!!...yes of course you can go!!! IT'LL BE A BLAST!!!...

oh right after your room is done of course"

*smirk, smirk, smirk*

They usually stomp off, do their room and mutter at me....do I care...nah...mutter all ya like...the room's clean! :D

Seriously though, when they hear a really strong NO from me, they know I darn well mean business and whatever I just said no about...it's no and not up for two hours of "but mooooom".

My biggest problem as a parent (and the kids know this) is I'm mush for a kid in tears...absolute flippin mush...they pull this trick....I have to call in the big guns...Mike!

I'm not like that...with the crying thing. But then again, I haven't had a break from it in... oh.... 8 years or so. :D
Maybe after my kids get out of the "if I cry for everything, maybe I'll get what I want" stage and I have a chance to become less annoyed with it, it might work again later on.

Call me in a few years and remind me to NOT give in to it. ;)

Oh with 4 kids I don't fall for the "cry till I get what I want" thing. It's that time when their chins sort of tremble and their eyes well up and well....that's it...I'm flippin lost and basically will hand them my spare kidney if I had to just to stop whatever hurts (I know some of em are fakin it! I know, but I still fall for it). I know...I'm a total sucker aren't I! LOL

OK folks, now we have a full blown delemia (sp?) on our hands here.
Do we take away one of Jo's cookies for being a "sucker" or do we give her another one for being a "good mom"?


OH THE DECISIONS!!!!!! :P

:tears: oh please don't take my cookies...please :tears:


(where'd ya think they all learned the "trembling chin, overflowing eyes" thing! :devilish: )

You ladies are awesome! Today went great. We went 4-wheeling, frog hunting, and spent time with the horses too. And she is definately a great little chicken chaser! For the hour or so we were alone, we watched Ghost Rider (cool movie!) and talked generally about horses and tattoos Yay!

My kids LOVED Ghost Rider... Nicolas Cage, meow baby! He and I have the same birthday (not year, but date) :D
Sounds like the day was a complete success!!!!!
*Happy pee pee dance*

I'm a bit baffled though, you're profile says you live "only in a jeep"? Where do you house the horses??

Oh, and Jo...BAD MOM! :colbert:
Not only am I going to take a cookie away, I'm going to take a bite out of a couple more for you teaching your kids how to stick their bottom lips out in "just the right way". :mad: :P

My wife's stepmom is hot...lol

however I will soon have a stepmonster and am just thrilled...lol:salute:

i am also a 'step-mom-to-be.' but, ben is now 3 and i've been with matt since he's been a month old (him and his ex broke up before she found out she was prego) so i can't really give any advice on the whole transition thing since i've been in his life as much as matt has. basically, though, at our house, matt and i are on an equal level as far as taking care of and/or disciplining him. i often have ben by myself on saturdays when matt is working. and we had him for about a month beginning in june so i had him on my days off and if matt had to work late of whatever. but if matt is around, and he's being naughty, i'll usually let matt handle it! lol. not so much because i don't want to get on ben's bad side but because matt's better at being intimidating! lol.


but, as far as getting along with her, like everyone else has said, don't try too hard. at that age it's really important for her to feel like you see her as a young adult instead of a child. i'm sure you'll do fine... sounds like you already are! have fun!

Being one with step parents the best advice I can give you is that you can't force a relationship. Either your personalities will mesh or they won't. The relationship that exists between your spouse and his ex will factor in, as will your step child's relationship with his ex...

The best that you can do is be yourself, don't force things, and give it time. Things tend to work out in the end, and teenagers are difficult regardless of whether they are a step child or a biological one :) The fact that you're concerned enough to ask for advice shows that you've got a lot more potential than most.

I am so glad that yall had a great day!! :) If you need any more girls hanging out there, my daughters and I would love to come play too!!! LOL I have two young horselovers here (well 3 if you include myself). It is just a shame that around here the stables that I have talked to are so concerned about liability issues that they won't let a 4 yr old in the stables to feed a horse a few carrots even if I would be there next to her the whole time. Hey and I am sure that my son would chase the chickens around some more for you!! LOL

But seriously, it sounds like you are well on your way towards a great relationship already!! Just keep it up!! The more fun stuff the yall do together, the more interests you'll find you have in common, plus she may find new interests from you and you from her, and that just gives you that more more to do with and learn from each other!!! :)

Yeah, things went good :) I am definately sure now though, that I do not want to have kids. I am so anal about time by myself/alone with Mark, I cannot imagine anyone permanently infringing on it! I can definately handle her coming over on weekends though. And I have thought it through; if something happened to her birth mother, and Mark had to gain custody, I would be able to live with it. I thought long and hard about this before he proposed to me.
But it is a very healthy situation. Mark's ex told his daughter exactly why her parents split; she cheated on Mark. His daughter told Mark this.. it is so refreshing to see a person telling a kid the truth instead of accusations flying or lies.. And also, Kat said that she likes me, and thinks I "am cool" (not bad praise from a tween!) She is actually still 12, going on 13 this year, and a tad bit hyperactive; they have her on anti-ADD meds. Kid wakes up and says "oh, I gotta take my meds!" and I nearly had a heart attack. I am not a fan of giving kids meds for ADD, but I admit to not being very up on why it is done, etc. She is definately a hyper-speed kid, but many are..
She loved telling me all about her pets, camp, her brother, etc. I am not being overbearing nor aloof. Seems cool!

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Originally Posted by Shadowspider

My kids LOVED Ghost Rider... Nicolas Cage, meow baby! He and I have the same birthday (not year, but date) :D
Sounds like the day was a complete success!!!!!
*Happy pee pee dance*

I'm a bit baffled though, you're profile says you live "only in a jeep"? Where do you house the horses??
:P

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LOL; that is a Jeep-person quote.. you know, how the ads say "only in a Jeep.."? See, I was scared to drive since I was 16. I finally got my license a few yrs. back, but all of the cars I tried driving intimidated me. Now, I have a Jeep Wrangler and love it! I actually look forward to driving every day now.. I know, I am a crackhead.. ;)
I actually rent a farmhouse with my fiancee and our menangerie. And a very understanding and laid-back landlord helps that!

Well, if you're a crackhead then heck, I don't know what I am!!! :O
Granted, I can't drive because of my vision, but... I get all freaked out just going for a bike ride and having a car pass by me. LOL
But, in all honesty, I'm an excellent driver... it's just that steering thing that throws me for a loop. I could put any drunk to shame. :P

You get to rent that??? MAAAANNN, now I've even more jealous! :(

Ah :) It can be tough to make those judgement calls; turning; do I have enough time or not? If I think not: why is the guy behind me blaring on his horn? And later: why is the person in front of me going 20 in a 55mph zone? Lovin' driving, lol.

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Originally Posted by Ginevive

Ah :) It can be tough to make those judgement calls; turning; do I have enough time or not? If I think not: why is the guy behind me blaring on his horn? And later: why is the person in front of me going 20 in a 55mph zone? Lovin' driving, lol.

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*sighs in relief* Being legally blind DOES have it's good points! I think if I could drive I'd either kill everyone else on the road with me or I would be the one who reinvented road rage. :taz: