Do you ever just have one of those friends

I have a friend who has a really unstable life as far as I'm concerned. She's constantly having new relationships and claims she's in love with one person but both her and the other person are ok with an open relationship. Now she's saying she's fallen in love with this other guy and there is drama drama drama.

Now, I'm one of those people who like a steady relationship with one person. Fall in love, get married, have a family, grow old together, sort of thing. My friend brings all her problems like those above to my fiance and I and personally I just never know what to say because I don't have those problems.

I really just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be moving in with this girl this summer. I can never have a conversation with her about relationships because we believe totally different things about what love is and how relationships work. To her, she can be in love with one person and have a steady relationship with them, but feel ok enough to go and be with someone else. My mind just don't comprehend that and its just so hard trying to be there for her and listen to all her problems.

Any of you ever have this problem?

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

I really just don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be moving in with this girl this summer. I can never have a conversation with her about relationships because we believe totally different things about what love is and how relationships work. To her, she can be in love with one person and have a steady relationship with them, but feel ok enough to go and be with someone else. My mind just don't comprehend that and its just so hard trying to be there for her and listen to all her problems.

Any of you ever have this problem?

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I am going to give you some advice. But before I do, I want to tell you a true story.

I have always been a sexually active man. When I was 23 yo and in the US Army, I met Aliza. She was the daughter of a rabbi. I totally loved her parents. She was a wonderful person, but she could not commit. When I got out of the army, she moved in with me. We lived together for almost 5 years, and a couple of times while I was on business trips she cheated (with people that I knew!!!) on me. Each Rosh Hashanna I asked her to marry me, thinking that she would settle down once we were married. Eventually, I left her and it was really hard for her, but I had to move on. Within a year I found a religious woman and got married. We have been married 19 years and I have two teenagers now. (I'm almost 48 now.)

My advice:

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THAT WOMAN.

Relationships must be eye-to-eye. You must be able to tell your secrets to the woman who shares your bed, and she must be able to understand where you are comming from. Otherwise, you will end up in a messy situation.

This is not two cents worth. This is life's lesson speaking. Remember there are three types of people out there.

1) Knows that peeing on an electric fence is not good.
2) Has a friend who peed on the electric fence and told him it was bad.
3) and there are those who just have to pee on the electric fence before they understand that it is bad.

Be a #2, and learn from me.

Yes I do have one of those friends lol. I know what you mean, I hate drama and most of the time I have no idea what to say to her. I am like you, I have had two serious relationships, the first one didn't work out because of a drug problem and abuse so I left. The second person I married and today is our anniversary :D But anyway, I just flat out told my friend that I didn't want to hear it anymore. It got so old, I couldn't offer her support anymore because I strongly disagreed with what she was doing and that she was hurting people. I felt bad but I couldn't watch her hurt herself and the people she was with. We are still friends, but I just had to make it clear that I didn't want to talk about her multiple relationships.

So why are you moving in with her? Or did I read that wrong?

OH NO! We are not together. We are just friends. I'll be moving in with her in a roommate situation this summer and my fiance will join us in December.

i have had friends who were very unstable in general--always having a problem, crisis, meltdown, whatever. there was always drama and nothing could ever have a simple solution. to me, it would always seem very obvious--if the problem is this, then you need to do this to fix it. but noooo.

you can give all the help and advice in the world to these people and it won't make one speck of difference. some people seem to enjoy a life of constant turmoil and drama and no matter how much they cry and complain about it they aren't willing to DO anything to change it, to take the steps necessary to change and to fix whatever the issues are.

it has been my experience that in the long run, it is better to cut your losses and let these people go on their miserable way. friends like this are a constant drain on you and while you do care for them and want to help them the fact is, they don't want to be helped. there is nothing you can do to change that and in the end you will be exhausted from trying.

for the first time in a very long time i don't have any friends like that right now, no one that is so needy of me, constantly having problems and drama surrounding them and i have to admit, it feels pretty good.

you really should consider not living with this person--i've done it and believe me, your stress level is only going to increase with every new day and the drama it brings. if you think it's hard to deal with this person now, multiply it by about 50 and you'll start to come close to how it's gonna be once you live together.

I'm moving in with her because I don't make much money. I need to get out of my grandparents' house because here I have no privacy. I only make about $200 a week working over 36 hours a week. So I can't afford a place of my own. My fiance is going to start college in the fall and can't work a lot so we won't be able to afford living on our own. Aidan came into the picture because she needed to move out of her mother's apartment and we all decided to split a townhome.

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Originally Posted by AkivaSmith

This is not two cents worth. This is life's lesson speaking. Remember there are three types of people out there.

1) Knows that peeing on an electric fence is not good.
2) Has a friend who peed on the electric fence and told him it was bad.
3) and there are those who just have to pee on the electric fence before they understand that it is bad.

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i'd like to add a fourth type of person to the list--the kind of person that i think this girl is:
4) those who know peeing on the electric fence is bad, but do it anyhow, over and over and over and cry and complain about it the entire time but still never stop peeing.

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

OH NO! We are not together. We are just friends. I'll be moving in with her in a roommate situation this summer and my fiance will join us in December.

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Okay thats what I got from it. I would do like Emily said and cut your losses. It sounds harsh but from the way it sounds, she may even put a major drain and causes issues in your relationship with your fiance in the future. Not saying your relationship isn't strong. I just know exactly how that can be.

[QUOTE=mlededee]i have had friends who were very unstable in general--always having a problem, crisis, meltdown, whatever. there was always drama and nothing could ever have a simple solution. to me, it would always seem very obvious--if the problem is this, then you need to do this to fix it. but noooo.

you can give all the help and advice in the world to these people and it won't make one speck of difference. some people seem to enjoy a life of constant turmoil and drama and no matter how much they cry and complain about it they aren't willing to DO anything to change it, to take the steps necessary to change and to fix whatever the issues are.



Here! Here! That is one of the most precise things I've read in a long time. Just know, that if you have issues with this person now... that things will bye no means get better bye moving in with her. You haft to make boundaries....
I hope this works out for the best!!! :hug:

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

I'm moving in with her because I don't make much money. I need to get out of my grandparents' house because here I have no privacy. I only make about $200 a week working over 36 hours a week. So I can't afford a place of my own. My fiance is going to start college in the fall and can't work a lot so we won't be able to afford living on our own. Aidan came into the picture because she needed to move out of her mother's apartment and we all decided to split a townhome.

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Jay_Bunny, I know that it is important to have privacy, but please think about what you are about to do.

Here is some more advice (advice is free, sometimes its good, sometimes its not -- you will have to make up your own mind.)

You have a woman who you want to spend the rest of your life with. She is about to start a termendous undertaking (going to college). She will need your support unhindered by an annoying roommate. Also while you are not making a lot of money now, you should be looking for a better job, and doing things to increase your earning potential. PM me for advice on that subject.

If you stay with your grandparents and save your money you will be able to provide better care for your fiance. And that in the long run will be a much better thing than any privacy that you could get now.

I don't have much advice for you, but I did want to make a comment....

My husband and me are "one of those people". We are polyamorous and believe that is possible to love more than one person at a time. We have been together for a few years and are approaching our 1 year anniversary. We both have other partners and honestly, couldn't see our life limited to just one loving, honest relationship. We communicate constantly, know what is going on with each other, spend time together (his girlfriend will often be arriving as I'm leaving for my weekly date with my boyfriend) and always put our relationship first.

Keep in mind, this does not work for everyone, just like monogamy does not work for everyone. Just because it isn't something that you see yourself doing does not mean it's wrong. If anyone wants more information, just let me know, I'm always happy to talk about anything in my life.

With this in mind, from how you describe your friend, she needs to figure out how to have ONE relationship, let alone multiple. I would not move in with her, no matter how much it would help out, if only because I just don't do drama. I find it a waste of time to deal with people like that..I could be working with snakes instead! :sunny: I can only see problems down the line if you share a house with her. Whether you want it or not, some of the drama will rub off on you. If you're OK with that then move. If not, I bet there are many other places you can find to move with your limited resources.

Best of luck to you though!

deb

well...I don't have friends like that.

Drama is just bs in my book.

but if you wanna live with this person than you should accept the type of person she is as she should accept the type of person you are.

It is her life.

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Originally Posted by dalvers63

My husband and me are "one of those people".

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That's kinda hot! :rockon:

But I have one question (if you don't mind me asking)

If that is the lifestyle you both choose to live, why get married at all?

Or did this begin after you got married?

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Originally Posted by jeffnme

well...I don't have friends like that.

Drama is just bs in my book.

but if you wanna live with this person than you should accept the type of person she is as she should accept the type of person you are.

It is her life.

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Couldn't of said it better myself. :sweeet:

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Originally Posted by daaangconcepts

That's kinda hot! :rockon:

But I have one question (if you don't mind me asking)...

If that is the lifestyle you both choose to live, why get married at all?

Or did this begin after your got married?

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A good question...we got married for the same reasons that other couples get married - because we love each other, because it shows a committment and because it was important to us. It also took care of the legal issues, since at this time in this country, it is VERY hard to deal with the government as anything BUT a married union (another topic that SO does not need to go here :P )

I have identified as poly since I was young enough to think about a relationship. My husband has been in quite a few different types of relationships and has found that this works for him. Though we are insanely happy with each other, we also find that there are people in our lives that we love just as deeply as we do each other. Yes, it's different than the love we have for each other. That does not change the fact that it IS love and that we are comfortable enough in ourselves and our relationships to be able to show that to others.

I have lots of good sources if you'd like more info. For now, I don't want to hijack the thread. PM me if you'd like to chat more about it. Like I said, I'm always open to discussing it. My husband has always said he has "no closets" and lives an open life. I pointed out to him that "we do have closets, they're just walk-ins!".

My thoughts.....

If you and your SO LIKE all the drama and waa waa, goooooddd because if you two actually move in with this person, you'll have it 24/7.

I've had friends as well as lived with people such as this (as well as swingers, etc.) and I can tell you from first hand experience, that is a VERY good way to postpone your marriage.....peranantly.

I don't mean to sound like a hard butt here but...people like that, as well as the friends/lovers, whatever you want to call it, of people like that DON'T know what love is and more over, they have absolutely no concept of respect, be it of others or for themselves. They will wander to whoever is closest at the time and, 9 times out of 10, if you're living in that type of enviroment, you and your SO will, eventually, find yourselves caught smack dab in the middle of a mess that neither of you wants.

I would evaluate your reasons for moving in with this person and decide if those reasons justify the hell that comes along with actually *living* in that life rather than just having it come to visit you from time to time.

Just remember, all the stuff you deal with now will be 10 fold + if you live with her and you can't begin to imagine how much more will be involved.

Your friend has issues that she needs to figure out and get *professional* help with.

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Originally Posted by dalvers63

I don't have much advice for you, but I did want to make a comment....

My husband and me are "one of those people". We are polyamorous and believe that is possible to love more than one person at a time. We have been together for a few years and are approaching our 1 year anniversary. We both have other partners and honestly, couldn't see our life limited to just one loving, honest relationship. We communicate constantly, know what is going on with each other, spend time together (his girlfriend will often be arriving as I'm leaving for my weekly date with my boyfriend) and always put our relationship first.

Keep in mind, this does not work for everyone, just like monogamy does not work for everyone. Just because it isn't something that you see yourself doing does not mean it's wrong. If anyone wants more information, just let me know, I'm always happy to talk about anything in my life.

With this in mind, from how you describe your friend, she needs to figure out how to have ONE relationship, let alone multiple. I would not move in with her, no matter how much it would help out, if only because I just don't do drama. I find it a waste of time to deal with people like that..I could be working with snakes instead! :sunny: I can only see problems down the line if you share a house with her. Whether you want it or not, some of the drama will rub off on you. If you're OK with that then move. If not, I bet there are many other places you can find to move with your limited resources.

Best of luck to you though!

deb

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This sounds great. Will you tell my g/f how wonderful your lifestyle is? She doesn't believe me ;)

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Originally Posted by Shadowspider

Your friend has issues that she needs to figure out and get *professional* help with.

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why is that?

the poster wants to move in with someone who has an established lifestyle.

If she doesn't like it then shouldn't move in with her.

I don't see what this friend is doing so wrong by "testing the waters".

She is not committed to one person...the poster is.

:confused:

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Originally Posted by Jay_Bunny

OH NO! We are not together. We are just friends. I'll be moving in with her in a roommate situation this summer and my fiance will join us in December.

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This may sound harsh DO NOT MOVE IN EVER! I can not predict the future but if she enjoys others company what says she will not try your fiances faithfullness? ;)

I have friends that are "poly" as described in the other poster's bit. They are not drama artists.
I think there are two seperate things here. The girl you're describing both cheats on her currant fling, AND loves drama. If she wasn't cheating right then then it would probaly be something else that was going on. I've got a couple friends that are that way. If it isn't a relationship, a relationship going south, her/him cheating during a relationship... then it's someone at work picking on him/her, a person who is being unfair to him/her, some horrible health issue, or some official thing that is too complex to take care of. Some people will have drama no matter what.
If she has many lovers at once, and some don't understand and cause fights and drama, then it's not going to change. And it's not your place to ry to change it either. She's an adult, and has chosen her lifestyle. What you can change is how it affects you. You can choose to not be friends with her. You can be friends with her and try to help/interfere/intervene. Or you can be her friend, but not get involved in the drama. It's hard not to get involved, but by being firm and keeping your resolve, you can do it. I have. When one comes rushing up to whine/cry/moan at me, I remind them that it's their choice to have many boyfriends/girlfriends or whatever the currant drama act is over. If they need a ride to work, I'm there for them. If they need help cleaning the apartment for a party, I'm there for them. If they want to cry that the currant girl wants him to date ONLY her... not my problem.
My advice would be NOT to move in with her, as obviously you would have major issues. The drama WILL be there. Even if you distance yourself personally from it, it can occur right in the living room at 3am. Then you have to be involved. It's no environment for a fledgling relationship with college and serious things to evolve in. Stress is a BAD thing, and cutting the stressload is always a good thing. Wait and find somewhere else to move to. Find a tiny place all your own. My husband and I moved into a RATHOLE and it was the most happy wonderful home I'd ever had. It was cheap, and had holes in the walls, but it was WAY better than living with some drama queen and her friends, disrupting our life constantly.
Just my opinion, and I wish you ALL the best with your fiancee too! Congrats!
Wolfy

I have a lot of friends who are either polyamorous or simply have 'open relationships'

this is all fine with me, since they are honest with their partners. cheating/lying, however, is totally unacceptable to me.

anyway, drama eventually ensues due to unforseen emotional complications in most of the open relationships I see. And when that happens, my role is simply to listen but not take sides. I don't give advice usually, since these are generally very strong-willed folks to begin with.
So the question is, do you get enough out of thr friendship to offset your stress over the drama? Could you reduce your stress by changing your perspective? If the answer to both is no, it's time to re-evaluate :)

I have too many of these friends. Well Had

one of my best friends, ashley, who i've known since freshman year (8-9years) is exactly who you're all talking about!!! since i've known her, every guy she's dated, is "different" from her exes and she loves him so much, etc. she falls fast and crashes hard. once the relationship is over my shoulder is always there for her to cry on. she's now married (for 3 years now) and it is NOT going well. her husband cheats on her, and because of that, is very suspicious of her. she's not "allowed" to do anything without his approval. he doesn't help with the kids. the list goes on. well, for at least a year and a half, ashley has been contemplating divorce. she always says she's going to and then she decides that his stories and excuses must be true. i get really worried about her sometimes and i know i'm not the only one, but all the good advice in the world won't make her do what's right for herself and her kids. but i will still always be there for her. drama or not. she's my friend and i love her and, the way i see it, that's really all that matters.


but would i ever want to live with her???? no.