For the Texans

Well this will only be funny to those familiar with the DFW area, but I loved it when I got it a couple of years ago. It came in my email again today, and it was just as funny now, so I had to share :cool:

Anyone who has ever been lost in Dal-lus can relate to this, so enjoy!


So Y'all are fixin to come to Dallas. Hyars some advice ta help y'all get by.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules ..."Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline" ... which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators, and remember, its legal to be armed in Texas.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road ... all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the South end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed (and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas).

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!

It is possible to be driving West in the North-bound lane of East Northwest Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is springtime, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If it is autumn, then the state fair is in full swing.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers. Remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas.

:8: Yes!!!

I thought you might get a kick out of that ;)

BTW, I think Becky and I are planning on hitting Scarborough Saturday!

And believe me, I will run those little blue-haired ladies off the road!

Saturday will be fun for sure! :)

Gah, those people scare me! I think we're averaging about 3 houses a week being hit by blue-hairs.

Are you going to dress up? I'm thinking I might, since it won't be hot this year.

I dunno! I don't have anything to dress up in, unless it constitutes jeans and a tshirt ;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SarahMB

I thought you might get a kick out of that ;)

BTW, I think Becky and I are planning on hitting Scarborough Saturday!

---

Agh... :( Got a date to build a rat rack! hahaha..... really! :P

Take ALOT of pix!!!! :) Wish I could be there....

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SatanicIntention

I dunno! I don't have anything to dress up in, unless it constitutes jeans and a tshirt ;)

---

Ok, well then I'm not going to, lol.

Awww, sorry you can't make it, Laura. Would have been great to see you again!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SarahMB

Ok, well then I'm not going to, lol.

Awww, sorry you can't make it, Laura. Would have been great to see you again!

---

I know... I look forward to seeing you again too... we'll figure something out! :D
We need a BPNet Pink Ladies, or something! :P

:rofl: That's awesome!!


I grew up in the D/FW area...and actually lived in Oak Cliff for a couple of years in my "young adult" days. Scarey place, that! Remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas! (But I'd reckon all the arms I saw and heard in those two years fell somewhere beneath that legal definition! :O :P )

Scarborough sounds great! I used to go every year as a teen. I'll have to make an effort to plan ahead next year and take my daughter. I'm sure she'd love it! Please post lots of pics!!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Laooda

We need a BPNet Pink Ladies, or something! :P

---

There's a better B word than 'babes', but um yeah...not family friendly :rolleyes:

http://sarah.digeratihost.com/images/pinklady2.JPG

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JLC

:rofl: That's awesome!!


I grew up in the D/FW area...and actually lived in Oak Cliff for a couple of years in my "young adult" days. Scarey place, that! Remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas! (But I'd reckon all the arms I saw and heard in those two years fell somewhere beneath that legal definition! :O :P )

Scarborough sounds great! I used to go every year as a teen. I'll have to make an effort to plan ahead next year and take my daughter. I'm sure she'd love it! Please post lots of pics!!!

---

Wow, Judy, you just earned a whole new level of respect! Even the thought of driving in Oak Cliff makes my knees knock!

I'll post lots of pics, and yes, you must make it next year too!

Thought I would help Sarah out with some more texas themes... lol



You see more Texan flags than American flags.

You know someone who ate the 72 oz steak and got it for free.

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Cowboy Boots.

You can write a check at Dairy Queen for 2 Hungr-Busters and fries.

You prefer Whataburger to McDonalds.

You dress up to go shopping at the mall.

You've hung ornaments and tinsel on a tumbleweed and used it as a Christmas tree.

You're disappointed when a food doesn't come in spicy flavor.

You know from experience that rattlesnake meat tastes like chicken.

You can tell a rock from an armadillo at 300 yards.

You know what a 'Cowboy Cadillac' is.

You have both a dog and a brother-in-law named Bud

Your local grocery store sells cactus in the Fresh Produce department

You watch the movie Urban Cowboy and laugh at the phony Texan accents

You choose a brand of Mexican salsa with the same care that another might use to select a bottle of fine wine

You think that the 4 basic food groups are nachos, bar-b-que, fajitas, and Copenhagen.

You refer to the Dallas Cowboys as "God's favorite football team"

You know whether another Texan is from South, West, East, North, or Central Texas as soon as they open their mouth.

You don't consider people from Austin to be real Texans.

Your Pastor wears boots.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

The Blue Book value on your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Ennis, Waxahachie, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, San Antonio, Mexia, Waco, and Amarillo.

A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat�? to “cool�? in the same day.

You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

You measure distance in minutes.

You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Chevy 3500 4×4 is.

You know everything goes better with Ranch.

You actually get these jokes and are “fixin’ �? to send them to your friends.

You go to the river/lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

You go to the gas station and there is a sign in the window that reads, “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service!�?

Your family pet is the stray dog with one leg that came limping up to your door.

You only know five spices -- salt, pepper, Ranch dressing, BBQ Sauce and hot sauce.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over Wranglers and cowboy boots.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your tractor than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for Deer meat.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating when it was 90 degrees outside. (or put up Christmas lights when it was 80 outside.)

Driving is better after it's rained because the potholes are filled with mud and you don't have to take those backroads to go "mudding."

You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your bulldozer than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your leaf-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of Deer season is a national holiday.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the coyotes won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The major county fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.

You find 70 degrees Fahrenheit a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a sauna.

You know 4 seasons - Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Deer Season

Only in texas will you see policemen driving white pickup trucks

Okay Sarah this is too freaky to be funny! I was reading your thread, the phone rings, it's my oldest daughter Kate who just got into Amirillo, Texas last night (did I spell that even close to right?). She's down there with Nicole visiting Nicole's mom. One of the first thing Kate says is "mom they are freaky here, they drive like nuts and the traffic lights are all horizontal not vertical!". I nearly fell over laughing! Talk about a coincidence!

Anyways, on to my contribution to information about Texas and the South in general. Since I've made so many friends from the south I just happened to have a couple of things in my favorites list...

Twenty Simple Rules of Life in Texas

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: They can't understand you either.
6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid legal defense.
8. If you hear a Texan exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to shoot.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted Texan to fix your busted head with duct tape.
14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.
16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some Texans view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
19. "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.
20. If you decide to stay in Texas and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Texans. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

RULES FOR THE SOUTH
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State (these actually should be the rules in all states)

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. We saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.
6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yep, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" very well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.
16. We eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Guess what - it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. We have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators. And, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir" no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

LOL Ben and Jo, those are all great!!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by frankykeno

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

---

Ok, this one *really* cracked me up because...yeah, it has actually happened to me exactly as described! The men were very big, too!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by frankykeno

Okay Sarah this is too freaky to be funny! I was reading your thread, the phone rings, it's my oldest daughter Kate who just got into Amirillo, Texas last night (did I spell that even close to right?). She's down there with Nicole visiting Nicole's mom. One of the first thing Kate says is "mom they are freaky here, they drive like nuts and the traffic lights are all horizontal not vertical!". I nearly fell over laughing! Talk about a coincidence!

---

Haha, well it's Amarillo, but close enough ;)
That really is hilarious, and yes, we all drive like maniacs. I think it's genetic?
I have a lot of family there, tell her to be sure to get over to Palo Duro Canyon, it's absolutely gorgeous!

Oh I'll tell her that Sarah. They are visiting for about 12 days or so, so I'll mention that to them. I didn't like her much when she laughed at me up here in Ohio where it freakin snowed yesterday! Rotten child! 36 hours of labour to bring her into this world and 19 years later she has the nerve to laugh at her mother while she's busy enjoying the the Texas warmth! LOL

Oh please don't tell me those big manly men Texans said things like "don't worry your pretty head" or called you "honey" or whatever Texans refer to women as when they are busy "saving" you. (though hell if you want to save me from changing my own tire, well heck...save away I say!:P )

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by frankykeno

RULES FOR THE SOUTH
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State (these actually should be the rules in all states)

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. We saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for: bait.
6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
9. Tea - yep, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" very well.
15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.
16. We eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Guess what - it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
21. We have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators. And, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir" no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

---

Awesome. I live by most of these and I'm a Yank. My girlfriend's constantly yelling at me to move to the south where I belong. I reply "yes ma'am, I do believe I will".

I have to find the list for Chicago. I know there were a ton of things I wanted to add to it. Look out for it shortly. Has anyone seen the list for Cali? Some one posted it and most of the people who saw it, including me, wanted to go on a shooting spree for those pompous cali freaks. No offense, my best friend is Californian :D

I get called "Darlin'" a lot, lol. It's actually just part of our southern charm, so really doesn't bother me.

Haha, don't be too jealous of Kate...she's smack in the middle of our worst tornado area, smack in the middle of tornado season. I know there's a storm headed this way tomorrow, so I hope she's not in it's path as well!

You sound like my hubby, Jake! I'm always reminding Mike that he was actually born in Detroit, Michigan and he just stomps off muttering something about "it's not his bleepity bleep fault his mother bore him in the north!!!!"

It's funny how my cousins in Ky who've been making moonshine since the prohibition call me redneck, and ask if I ride my horse to school. Which I don't. (everyday)

Oh ack Sarah, she did mention it was very very windy there!

Windy is normal for that area. I checked wunderground, and it looks like they are getting the storm tonight, but it's not going to be too bad until it gets to Dallas. She'll be fine! :D