Five scariest words in the English language...

"I *am* the system's administrator."


I swear if I hear that from one more moron computer user who thinks they know what they are doing...

Tell em Lourdes eats systems administrators. :)

I should...Lourdes is going blue for us for the first time since coming home with us. Nothing like a 9' long grumpy snake who can't see to well...:eek:

I thought it was "I'm late for my period"

"I was wearing a condom."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by monk90222

I thought it was "I'm late for my period"

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!

"and think it is yours"

or even better

"your dog bit my kid"

that'll make you crap a gold brick

I got two words that'll put the fear of God into any man.


Prostate Exam

Awww yea I'll have the prostate exam with a side of big fingers and....oh I feeling special today so very little lube..

Thanks...

Honey, where is the snake?

Funny stuff folks! Family friendly though, family friendly! :rolleyes:

"BD1.... Deal or No Deal"

No I win....5 scariest, omg run for the hills, lock up your daughters, move and leave no forwarding address words are....

JAMIE IS MOVING IN, DEAR

*runs screaming into the night, ripping out her hair and wailing to the gods above*

:P

"Will you mar-ry me" OK, so 5 syllables.. same thing lol.
I am just kidding; these were the Best words I ever heard. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

No I win....5 scariest, omg run for the hills, lock up your daughters, move and leave no forwarding address words are....

JAMIE IS MOVING IN, DEAR

*runs screaming into the night, ripping out her hair and wailing to the gods above*

:P

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I learned from the best so i'm more of the hit it and quit it type. No moving in for me :) Hide your daughters!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jglass38

I learned from the best so i'm more of the hit it and quit it type. No moving in for me :) Hide your daughters!

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Okay I'll amend it to....

JAMIE IS DATING OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!

*gawd help us all!!!!! more running about screaming, knashing of teeth...that sort of thing*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

Okay I'll amend it to....

JAMIE IS DATING OUR DAUGHTER!!!!!

*gawd help us all!!!!! more running about screaming, knashing of teeth...that sort of thing*

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You know by the time the parents find out, the damage is already done. :D

This happened to a friend the other day while she was a at work. This was the call she recieved. "the burm is missing and so is the dog" both were later found unharmed.

The thought of Jamie dating one of my daughters has forced me to rethink the whole "10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" list.....here goes....


Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (Herper Style):


Rule One :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package with a snake in it, because you're sure not picking anything up here.


Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them and unlike a gecko's tail...they won't grow back!


Rule Three :
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use duct tape and super glue to fasten them securely to your waist. If this does not work I will wrap a large constrictor around you...this WILL work.


Rule Four :
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. I have snakes big enough to kill you...nuff said.


Rule Five :
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You may wish to read up on Ball Pythons, do this after you have brought my daughter home early.


Rule Six :
I have no doubt you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will may make you cry. A large live rat down your pants will really make you cry.


Rule Seven :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cleaning a snake tub or feeding the rats?


Rule Eight :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Snake shows are the best.


Rule Nine :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a short, slightly chubby, nice typical housewife and mother. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless goddess of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. I also have a raging case of PMS. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for my husband to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When his Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in his head frequently tell him to clean the guns as we wait for you to bring our daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is his. If you are smart and have thought to bring along a snake as a parental present, set the enclosure down gently, back away swiftly and exit the red zone.


ADDENDUM (RULE ELEVEN):
If your name is Jamie...YOU MAY NOT DATE MY DAUGHTER!!!!

:P

I was hoping they were some Al Swearengen words :(


(I managed to root some out in the end though)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

The thought of Jamie dating one of my daughters has forced me to rethink the whole "10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter" list.....here goes....


Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter (Herper Style):


Rule One :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package with a snake in it, because you're sure not picking anything up here.


Rule Two :
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them and unlike a gecko's tail...they won't grow back!


Rule Three :
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use duct tape and super glue to fasten them securely to your waist. If this does not work I will wrap a large constrictor around you...this WILL work.


Rule Four :
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. I have snakes big enough to kill you...nuff said.


Rule Five :
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." You may wish to read up on Ball Pythons, do this after you have brought my daughter home early.


Rule Six :
I have no doubt you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will may make you cry. A large live rat down your pants will really make you cry.


Rule Seven :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like cleaning a snake tub or feeding the rats?


Rule Eight :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Snake shows are the best.


Rule Nine :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a short, slightly chubby, nice typical housewife and mother. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless goddess of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. I also have a raging case of PMS. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for my husband to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When his Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in his head frequently tell him to clean the guns as we wait for you to bring our daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car--there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is his. If you are smart and have thought to bring along a snake as a parental present, set the enclosure down gently, back away swiftly and exit the red zone.


ADDENDUM (RULE ELEVEN):
If your name is Jamie...YOU MAY NOT DATE MY DAUGHTER!!!!

:P

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Joanna,when is your daughter becoming a NUN? :8: :8: :P

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to frankykeno again.

BUWHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"San Francisco smockpucker!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Freakie_frog

"and think it is yours"

or even better

"your dog bit my kid"

that'll make you crap a gold brick

---

SHMOO!!!!!!!!

can you believe NO ONE I have talked to in YEARS remembers who Shmoo is. thats a GREAT avatar, I love it!

I have 2 girls, 8 and 12. my 12 year old doesnt go to school with "boys", she goes to school with "guys"

its not "oh he's cute" anymore, its "OMG I am crushing on him so bad"

do they make a phrase book for kids when they hit 12 or 13 that the parents can use it as a translator?

I mean, I think I'm one of those cool parents, and my kids would usually agree, but I just dont get the lingo lately.

anyway, my girls are going to be grounded till they turn 30, then they can date....not untill then

Hey! I remember Shmoo!



Five scariest words? How about "Mom, I wrecked the car"? Or "...hit a deer"....."shot my brother/sister/dog(etc.) < with the BB gun or ? >........



R

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sweety314

Hey! I remember Shmoo!



Five scariest words? How about "Mom, I wrecked the car"? Or "...hit a deer"....."shot my brother/sister/dog(etc.) < with the BB gun or ? >........



R

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I got shot point blank with a BB gun when I was 7. coulda killed that little witch for shooting me too. dont think just cause its a BB gun that it isnt traumatic LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sweety314

Hey! I remember Shmoo!



Five scariest words? How about "Mom, I wrecked the car"? Or "...hit a deer"....."shot my brother/sister/dog(etc.) < with the BB gun or ? >........



R

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lol...my youngest Cait...who is 8 now...was about 5 when her older brother...who was about 10...let her "try" the bb gun out! I had NO idea!!! Until all the kids came upstairs (from outside) SCREAMING "Kyle has been shot!!!" I didn't even think about the bb gun because they acted like he was laying on the ground bleeding to death. So I FLEW down the stairs and there he was with a TINY mark on his shoulder. and Cait was just yelling "HE TOLD ME TO DO IT!!!" lol. So I asked them what happened and she said that he was telling her "Go ahead and shoot me...I dare you!" lol. well...needless to say, he has NOT said anything like that again!!!

He was fine and the bb gun has remained in my closet EVER since. :)

and what we got out of this is...Never dare a female who is holding a weapon ;)

Five scariest words actually came out of my mouth 12/23/06-

"she's not going to stop" uttered right before my car was hit and
thrown across four lanes. Truly I hope I never hear anything scarier
then that!
:cool:

You have not lived until you've been in a rural Ohio backwater and seen kids (none over 7 years of age) toting Actual Loaded Shotguns around the woods unsupervised.. now THAT was frightening!
I knew a girl who got shot in the butt by a BB gun, does that count?

5 in a Row for me.....


"NOW... SEND IN THE CLOWNS"....

:tears:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gurgie

I have 2 girls, 8 and 12. my 12 year old doesnt go to school with "boys", she goes to school with "guys"

its not "oh he's cute" anymore, its "OMG I am crushing on him so bad"

do they make a phrase book for kids when they hit 12 or 13 that the parents can use it as a translator?

I mean, I think I'm one of those cool parents, and my kids would usually agree, but I just dont get the lingo lately.

anyway, my girls are going to be grounded till they turn 30, then they can date....not untill then

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Wendy dear I have two teenage daughters.....here's the really, REALLY big bottle of nerve pills. My advice is to start medicating yourself now dear, it really helps to have a good high level of it in your bloodstream if you want to avoid smacking your head against a brick wall a lot in the coming years (you won't avoid the grey hair when the oldest goes on her first car date...that's something not even a miracle from above can help you with).

Thought of 5 more terrifying words I never want to hear...

MOM, JAMIE IS THE FATHER.

*faints dead away*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

Wendy dear I have two teenage daughters.....here's the really, REALLY big bottle of nerve pills. My advice is to start medicating yourself now dear

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I thought this was a Family forum? Kids will read this and think taking pills is a good thing! Not Nice!!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

Thought of 5 more terrifying words I never want to hear...

MOM, JAMIE IS THE FATHER.

*faints dead away*

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I'm usually long gone by the time this one is uttered...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

I thought this was a Family forum? Kids will read this and think taking pills is a good thing! Not Nice!!!

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Smarty pants! Now go back to your corner! :P

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

Smarty pants! Now go back to your corner! :P

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You coming with?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

You coming with?

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Sure! We can make people wonder what we're talking about! ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

Sure! We can make people wonder what we're talking about! ;)

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No one cares... tickle them if they do LOL!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

No one cares... tickle them if they do LOL!!

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You know I had to edit that John! :colbert: You've just earned an additional 1/2 hour in time out! :P Now come on, let's go talk!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

No one cares... tickle them if they do LOL!!

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Fantastic edit!! Jas loves the word tickle...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jglass38

Fantastic edit!! Jas loves the word tickle...

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;) :P

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jglass38

Fantastic edit!! Jas loves the word tickle...

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Edit? I really did write tickle.. It just came out with a giggle!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

You know I had to edit that John! :colbert: You've just earned an additional 1/2 hour in time out! :P Now come on, let's go talk!

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Sure you can handle an extra 1/2 hour?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

Edit? I really did write tickle.. It just came out with a giggle!

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How do you like them apples? :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

I thought this was a Family forum? Kids will read this and think taking pills is a good thing! Not Nice!!!

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You missed the point dear Jas...the pills are for mom to survive her two daughter's teen years, NOT for the kidlets. I don't know about the rest of the world but my 4 kids have nerves of steel...I'm the nervous wreck around here LOL.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

Sure you can handle an extra 1/2 hour?

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An extra 1/2 hour listening to you yammer about the smallest male snake you've successfully bred, you mean? :P

Quote:

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Originally Posted by frankykeno

You missed the point dear Jas...the pills are for mom to survive her two daughter's teen years, NOT for the kidlets. I don't know about the rest of the world but my 4 kids have nerves of steel...I'm the nervous wreck around here LOL.

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Kids grow up to be like mommys? No?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

An extra 1/2 hour listening to you yammer about the smallest male snake you've successfully bred, you mean? :P

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We can talk about small stuff if thats what you are used to. Thats fine for starters.. LOL.

Not if they are smart. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

We can talk about small stuff if thats what you are used to. Thats fine for starters.. LOL.

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You're such a charmer! ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rabernet

You're such a charmer! ;)

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Dont let that get out to the public! I have a rep to uphold!!!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JASBALLS

Dont let that get out to the public! I have a rep to uphold!!!

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In all fairness, its not much of a rep... :D