some advice?

well, with tax returns coming next month, my SO was telling me what was on his list for goodies when we get the money. He asked me what I really wanted, I said I cant get it now and left it there. He asked me again, and I said, you sure you want to know? he says yes so I told him...

I really want a rainbow boa...very badly.

he wasnt too agreeable to my wants. He got mad for a few minutes...I told him it wasnt something I was going to go out tomorrow and do, but he was still cranky.

I guess what I want to know is 2 fold...

1. what to do when your SO isnt as into snakes as you are?

2. how do I tell him I dont think its fair that he can get what he wants and I cant simply because its another pet?

I really wasnt planning on getting one right now, but in the near future I would love to have a rainbow boa. so what can I do? he said "not in the forseeable future". is that like the equavilent of never?

its not like I dont have space for another snake. right on top of the other 2. works for me. just frustrated that yet again my wants are tossed aside till its something else he wants too.

anyway, any opinions? (my SO is male, not that it matters, so maybe some of you who experienced the same thing can give me some advice?)

My SO isn't very fond of snakes and hates the idea of the whole feeding process. When I asked about how comfortable he'd be with a house full of snakes, he wasn't very enthusiastic. I told him I wanted a reptile room when we got a house many years down the road and he agreed but still was not very happy about it.

Honestly it all about compromise. You can take the middle ground approch and do the research get the enclosure ready and just continue to talk to him about it (not nagging) and eventually he will probably agree. I let my SO park his chevy 350 on a motor stand in the living room during the 3 months of hurricanes a few years back so he owes me big time! ;)

Have you asked him what his reasons are for not wanting to get one?

Wendy, Very simple solution, replace your SO with a herper Dude. :)


No more problems with future snake wants!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ECLARK

Wendy, Very simple solution, replace your SO with a herper Dude. :)


No more problems with future snake wants!

---

LOL

I am lucky....My girlfriend was sceptical about the whole snake idea. She was a little afraid and didn't like the idea of feeding time. but now.....she is the first one to check on the snakes when we get home. And then....she is first in their room at feeding time putting mice in the tubs. She became involved with the animals. I included her in purchasing decisions, rack solutions, feeding, everything. I asked for her thoughts and opinions and made her part of the whole experience. She now is as much of an owner as I am. We share the hobby. We get excited about shows and raising mice, etc. Anyway...maybe my experience will help you!

My husband does NOT like snakes. Not at all. :no: So we've talked and talked and compromised. I will never be able to have the large number of snakes that many of the other members have, but I have to be happy for what I do have. :yes:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ECLARK

Wendy, Very simple solution, replace your SO with a herper Dude. :) No more problems with future snake wants!

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:rofl:

Well Wendy when my husband is not into snakes at all and I have been fascinated by hem ever since I was a kid, is it a problem?


NO because even I my husband & I don't agree on everything, we love each other and want to make the each other happy so give each other support no matter what the subject is.


He is still not into reptiles but it does not bother him to have them in our house either as long as it makes me happy.


Bottom line in relationships you need to compromise and support the other half otherwise I don’t see how it would work in the long term.

Karl will tell you that I am the most hard headed woman he ever met. I do not respond well to someone telling me what I can and can't do. I'm an adult, we aren't married (although we'll be celebrating our 11th anniversary together later this month).


He is not a fan of snake, but he does love animals. He has responded quite well to each new addition, surprisingly, although he doesn't interact with them. When I first started my interest in ball pythons, I invited him to a herp show, and he said "you go ahead", as he had no interest.

Well, turns out I needed him to go, so we could use his SUV to transport my new rack from the show (herpenclosures), and he reluctantly agreed to go, and I paid his way into the show.

He had a blast! We separated to look at things that interested us, and he'd keep coming back to find me (or call me on my cell phone) and say "you've got to come see this!!!!" I ended up with my rack, and one new snake - and Karl insisted on carrying her around the show in her deli cup that day.

I knew the tides were turning when we went through the Burger King drive through after the show and I had her in my lap and the drive through lady went "is that a snake????" and Karl proceeds to tell her that she was a ball python, and not a dangerous snake and was very beautiful.

I keep him involved by asking him to name some of them, and refer to them as "his" snakes.

For Christmas, he bought me one of those four drawer Sterilite storage things, thinking that I could house more snakes in it. Bless his heart! Although I can't use it for that (it is being used to house the rat and snake supplies), the fact that he did that touched me.

Last week I was cleaning tubs, and I said "Karl - here's your snake J-Lo! Isn't she pretty?" I almost fainted when he rushed over and scooped her up and said "hello J-Lo!!!!!" (he has never voluntarily held, much less intiated picking up one of the kids). We're making progress, slowly but surely.

I went from a man with no interest in snakes and reptiles to one who went to a show with me just to help me transport a rack, who has now been to Daytona and purchased his own crested gecko, to one who asks me on a weekly basis when Daytona is going to be this year! And he LOVED all the people from BP.net that he met there - and thinks Adam is the man! (well, he IS! LOL) and named one of the geckos after Jamie (Uncle Kracker).

Be patient with him, try to involve him in small ways, get him to a show if you can. This worked for me!

Other thing that worked with me is that I got a normal BP that I picked it out very small (was barely 70 grams) and my husband thought that tiny thing was kinda cute, he slowly warmed up to him not picking up from it's enclosure yet but he does not mind handling him, and he is his favorite, now the bigger ones not found of them but I have hope.

I think my husband interest will grow with that little guy I got, he will propably never be as interested by them as I am but at least the idea of snakes in te house does not bother him anymore.

Keywords are PATIENCE & EDUCATION

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kellysballs

Honestly it all about compromise. You can take the middle ground approch and do the research get the enclosure ready and just continue to talk to him about it (not nagging) and eventually he will probably agree. I let my SO park his chevy 350 on a motor stand in the living room during the 3 months of hurricanes a few years back so he owes me big time! ;)

Have you asked him what his reasons are for not wanting to get one?

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basically I think its a space issue. I do think, however, that while he isnt openly afraid of them or even dislike them, they dont facinate him like they do me, and to be honest, sometimes if he isnt into it, we dont get it unlless/until he discovers we might have a use for it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ECLARK

Wendy, Very simple solution, replace your SO with a herper Dude. :)


No more problems with future snake wants!

---

LOL

how about brainwashing? anyone know how to do that?

funny thing is, he does actively seek them out sometimes. like I cam home from the store with my girls, and he was holding Nag, and told me he already had Nagaina out that day.

so he isnt really opposed to them, just indifferent.

thing is, I want at least 2 more snakes, but I dont want a whole bunch like some of you have (I get tired just thinking about cleaning and feeding all those cages)

I want a male and female rainbow boa. got some reasearch and some reading to do, and its not like I want to go out tomorrow and get it...few months down the road would be nice, but even a year later is ok.

its just the thing whereif I want it and so does he, we usually get it fairly soon after the want is expressed. if I want it and he doesnt really, I get all kinds of lame-ass excuses as to why we cant do it right now.

(boy do I hope he doesnt read this)

it just feels like a major double standard

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tigerlily

My husband does NOT like snakes. Not at all. :no: So we've talked and talked and compromised. I will never be able to have the large number of snakes that many of the other members have, but I have to be happy for what I do have. :yes:

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yeah see I dont want a house full....I want my BP's and a male and female rainbow boa. I dont think thats unreasonable when his "hobby" costs a lot more than it does to keep snakes.

for him to brew beer, its at least $25 for every 5 ballon batch...and he was brewing every weekend! so I dont see that as being fair. problem is, if I bring it up I know he is gonna get cranky with me and I really dont want to hear it. however I really want 2 boas.

sometimes relationships are tough

relationships are all about give and take... and for my hubby and i... we are all about giving each other as many dreams and wants as we possibly can... cause when we are old and dieing... we want to be able to say "i'm so glad we..." instead of "i wish i had..."

If he's taking them out and holding them when you're not home, maybe he's just in denial! :P

When my boyfriend first met me he was pretty indifferent about the snakes themselves and not in agreeance with their diet. He has since gotten over the whole rodent-eating part of snake life, and is actually interested in some species of snakes. For some reason he likes rubber boas, so I may get one for him sometime. Otherwise, he doesn't really recognize each species or color morph within the species, but is supportive of whatever I want. When I am browsing online, I sometimes call him over to see a snake, and his most popular response is, "Don't you already have one of those?" Although he's not as interested in them as I am, he will still help me take care of them, purchase snake-related things for me, and support me in whatever decisions I make with them.

If you are with someone who is at least somewhat interested in animals, a baby of whatever species has always worked for me in smoothing things over a bit. For some reason people just find baby things a lot more cute... helpless, harmless, and accept them a lot easier.

yeah I want 2 baby rainbow boas. they get about the size of a BP if I recall correctly (correct me if I'm wrong please)....doing my research as far as habitat and other such, so I'm hoping that when we get tax returns and he gets his computer geek stuff (which I KNOW he is going to get) then I'll just tell him, "you got to spend this much, I want to spend this much as well" and when he asks me, I guess I'll tell him what I am going to get.

I dunno...it just doesnt seem like such a big deal to add one more small bin to my stack of 2 I have alrerady.

c'est la vie I suppose. time will tell :)
thanks for all the advice and support.

Im young, but i have a perspective on love. As the others said it takes work and its all a give and take thing. I dont like to inflict in personal affairs, but run this quote by him.

"Loves not always about doing what you love, sometimes it's about doing what you hate because you know the one you love loves it, and you love her"

Thats a tongue twister, but it's honest.

Hope you get your boas that would be awesome.

-mike

Different scenario but, six months ago I was terrified of snakes. Literally a small milksnake (didnt know that at the time) would have me crawling up the walls... Then one day in october I walked outside and there was a 1 foot garter snake in the drive way. And it was aobut 32 degrees outside. So I called my buddy who works at petsmart and said dude theres a snake in my driveway what do i do? He told me that
#1. Its wayyyy to cold right now for a snake to be out.
#2. If I didnt pick him up and take him inside to get warm he would die, probably within the hour.

So I picked him up and put him in a tupperware bowl and waited for my friend to get off work. He came over with a 15 gallon tank setup and said "Welcome to the wonderful world of snake ownership" Since this was the begining of our colorado winter I couldnt set him loose. So after letting him get used to his new warm home for a few days I decided to be brave and pull him out.

This is when I learned that WC snakes are a bite(not a typo) aggressive. But I was surprised that it really didnt hurt when he stuck at me. A few months rolled around and I got more and more comfortable with handling him, tho hes still a mean little bugger, and then I saw a BP at the petshop/distributor.

That sealed the deal once I had him in my hands I knew i loved snakes. Kinda funny that I went from terror to "Hey can I hold your 6 foot burmese??"

Sometimes it will jsut happen... For me it was knowing that that little guy would die if I didnt get over my fear.

Try to compromise with him, hey you can get those stainless steel kegs you have been wanting if I get my snakes....

Or if all else fails I'm single and love snakes! Buy what ever you want! hehe :carrot:
-Mikey

Wendy,


I'm in about as close to exactly the same situation as you can get. My hubby doesn't care for snakes. Isn't afraid of them...doesn't openly despise them or anything...just doesn't care for them. (He says!) And he was very opposed to getting our first snake. It took a lot of patient talking and speaking his language (logical "need" for one...to further daughter's education, etc etc etc) to get it. And it took another couple of years before I was able to get my own snake and bring our grand total up to....two snakes.

That is where things stand now, and if he has his way, it'll stay that way until some nebulous date in the distant future when he retires from the military and we get a permanent home with enough property for us to build a separate building to house snakes....... mmmmhmmmm....

For most people, it seems like a simple thing to say "If he loves you, he'd let you..." or "Love is all about compromise so he should let you do what you want..." But I think you and I both know it's really not that simple. If all else is really good in the relationship...and you truly love (and are IN LOVE) with the man involved....it's not like you're going to just cast him aside because he can't come to a "reasonable" compromise in this one issue.

But it's also not as simple as saying "Well, I love him and I have to accept him the way he is, so I'll just let go of the desires that conflict so badly...." because that just causes a festering wound. Trust me....I tried that approach. It didn't work any more than expecting a perfect "give and take" compromise.

What to do??? I don't have any answers, other than to continue to be very patient. And be willing to talk about it and your feelings, without being accusatory or putting him on the defensive. Your original story of him asking you what you wanted to do with your chunk of the tax return money and you not wanting to tell him because you knew (rightly so, apparently) that it would upset him.....sounds exactly like what Dean and I have gone through in the past. "What do you want for Christmas, hon?" ...."Ummmmm....oh, I dunno. Nothing in particular, I guess." "No really....seriously...what would you really like to have?" "Well...since you insist on making me say it...I would be beyond thrilled to get a snake for Christmas." ...and immediately he gets a sour look on his face and no longer wants to talk about it.

It hurts. Yes indeed, it does. It's an unfair double standard, without a doubt. It's a painfully fine line to walk because you can neither force the issue, nor can you pretend it doesn't exist.

I had a large part of my collection by the time my husband and I moved out here, previously they were at my house and he had just occaisonal interactions with them. It never came up that I should sell some or leave some and since we've been here and I've added more to my snakey family he just stipulates that the bills come first and he wants some money for him. Beyond that he's pretty open (except for tarantulas, I am not allowed to have them "PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEEE" is the exact quote).
Then again his hobbies are much more expensive then mine and I always try to make sure he can go have fun and all that so we have a nice give and take.
Wendy your SO sounds a bit like my father. My mothers situation started out like that and she tends to back off things like you're describing. I love my parents dearly but at this point my father has gotten so controling she asks permission to go to her sisters house.
Different situation but it's something think about for the future.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by borat1

Im young, but i have a perspective on love. As the others said it takes work and its all a give and take thing. I dont like to inflict in personal affairs, but run this quote by him.

"Loves not always about doing what you love, sometimes it's about doing what you hate because you know the one you love loves it, and you love her"

Thats a tongue twister, but it's honest.

Hope you get your boas that would be awesome.


-mike

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cool I like that!
thanks :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheDude

Different scenario but, six months ago I was terrified of snakes. Literally a small milksnake (didnt know that at the time) would have me crawling up the walls... Then one day in october I walked outside and there was a 1 foot garter snake in the drive way. And it was aobut 32 degrees outside. So I called my buddy who works at petsmart and said dude theres a snake in my driveway what do i do? He told me that
#1. Its wayyyy to cold right now for a snake to be out.
#2. If I didnt pick him up and take him inside to get warm he would die, probably within the hour.

So I picked him up and put him in a tupperware bowl and waited for my friend to get off work. He came over with a 15 gallon tank setup and said "Welcome to the wonderful world of snake ownership" Since this was the begining of our colorado winter I couldnt set him loose. So after letting him get used to his new warm home for a few days I decided to be brave and pull him out.

This is when I learned that WC snakes are a bite(not a typo) aggressive. But I was surprised that it really didnt hurt when he stuck at me. A few months rolled around and I got more and more comfortable with handling him, tho hes still a mean little bugger, and then I saw a BP at the petshop/distributor.

That sealed the deal once I had him in my hands I knew i loved snakes. Kinda funny that I went from terror to "Hey can I hold your 6 foot burmese??"

Sometimes it will jsut happen... For me it was knowing that that little guy would die if I didnt get over my fear.

Try to compromise with him, hey you can get those stainless steel kegs you have been wanting if I get my snakes....

Or if all else fails I'm single and love snakes! Buy what ever you want! hehe :carrot:
-Mikey

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you're probably too young for me anyway *grin*

anywho, that sounds kind of like my first snake experience.

"This one time, at band camp..."
I was walking up the the bandroom from the field after marching band practice, and bent over to tie my shoe. I got finished, stood up, and realized I had a timy little snake attached to my pinky. scared the heck out of me...then I went looking for it so I could play with it. never did find it but I think I knew then that I liked snakes :)

thanks for the story and support :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JLC

Wendy,


I'm in about as close to exactly the same situation as you can get. My hubby doesn't care for snakes. Isn't afraid of them...doesn't openly despise them or anything...just doesn't care for them. (He says!) And he was very opposed to getting our first snake. It took a lot of patient talking and speaking his language (logical "need" for one...to further daughter's education, etc etc etc) to get it. And it took another couple of years before I was able to get my own snake and bring our grand total up to....two snakes.

That is where things stand now, and if he has his way, it'll stay that way until some nebulous date in the distant future when he retires from the military and we get a permanent home with enough property for us to build a separate building to house snakes....... mmmmhmmmm....

For most people, it seems like a simple thing to say "If he loves you, he'd let you..." or "Love is all about compromise so he should let you do what you want..." But I think you and I both know it's really not that simple. If all else is really good in the relationship...and you truly love (and are IN LOVE) with the man involved....it's not like you're going to just cast him aside because he can't come to a "reasonable" compromise in this one issue.

But it's also not as simple as saying "Well, I love him and I have to accept him the way he is, so I'll just let go of the desires that conflict so badly...." because that just causes a festering wound. Trust me....I tried that approach. It didn't work any more than expecting a perfect "give and take" compromise.

What to do??? I don't have any answers, other than to continue to be very patient. And be willing to talk about it and your feelings, without being accusatory or putting him on the defensive. Your original story of him asking you what you wanted to do with your chunk of the tax return money and you not wanting to tell him because you knew (rightly so, apparently) that it would upset him.....sounds exactly like what Dean and I have gone through in the past. "What do you want for Christmas, hon?" ...."Ummmmm....oh, I dunno. Nothing in particular, I guess." "No really....seriously...what would you really like to have?" "Well...since you insist on making me say it...I would be beyond thrilled to get a snake for Christmas." ...and immediately he gets a sour look on his face and no longer wants to talk about it.

It hurts. Yes indeed, it does. It's an unfair double standard, without a doubt. It's a painfully fine line to walk because you can neither force the issue, nor can you pretend it doesn't exist.

---

that is EXACTLY the way I feel too!

the hardest thing to deal with is when he decided we can spend some money on something HE wants, or we both want. he's already sworn I will never have a real diamond on my finger, and ya know, thats OK with me really. I'm not materialistic, and could care of it was pipe cleaner and pom poms if it was something *I* liked

so instead of spending an arm and a leg, let me have some play with the money situation and get something *I* really like?

my SO has also pulled the "when we move...more room...etc..." thing but I got you beat here. he wants an outbulding or an attached garage so he can put in a thermostat and heat so he can start to brew some lagers and to try a mead.

notice, thats what HE wants. if i'm lucky I can have a wall somewhere to put some tanks against.

*sigh*

anyway, I DID try some of the advice I was given already. I sent him an email about it, asking him if we can just talk about it when he is ready, no rush, yada yada..dont wanna fight, dont want to be mad, more etc...

so I'm waiting till a time when he is relaxed and not cranky and will see how receptive he might be for a talk.

the other thing, which I never would have thought of that I am glad someone else thought of got me is, while I was on my weekly foray into the world of all things reptile, I spotted a book about rainbow boas (you have no idea how hard it is to spell those 2 simple words and now "rainboa")

I put the book in the bathroomso he might see it and read some. maybe that will help as well. I didnt yet tell him though that I got to hold the baby at the local pet store....talk about falling in love! still love my Nag and Nagaina, but this little lady is a true beauty!

alas, methinks I have clogged the forum topo much for one time, so I really apreciate your story. if you guys get things figured out before I do, share? I'll let you know how it goes here as well.

*hugs* and good luck to you

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Entropy

I had a large part of my collection by the time my husband and I moved out here, previously they were at my house and he had just occaisonal interactions with them. It never came up that I should sell some or leave some and since we've been here and I've added more to my snakey family he just stipulates that the bills come first and he wants some money for him. Beyond that he's pretty open (except for tarantulas, I am not allowed to have them "PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEEE" is the exact quote).
Then again his hobbies are much more expensive then mine and I always try to make sure he can go have fun and all that so we have a nice give and take.
Wendy your SO sounds a bit like my father. My mothers situation started out like that and she tends to back off things like you're describing. I love my parents dearly but at this point my father has gotten so controling she asks permission to go to her sisters house.
Different situation but it's something think about for the future.

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I agree on the "NO spiders part LOL

and my SO also has much more expensive habits than I do. our biggest difference is, I have a decent buy in, not a whole lot, and then I have a fairly low maintenence. his is a HIGH (initial brewing kit costs about $250...plus $30 for kegs and $15 or so for carboys, etc..) PLUS he has a higher maintenance per month.

and ya know, I dont care HOW much he spends as long as bills are paid, and my animals eat. I am very easily pleased and dont ask for much really. I crochet, do crafty stuff with yarn, and I sew. thats about it.

he wants expensive computer parts, a monthly subscription for an online porn site dvd rental, his beer stuff (which right now is at $30 per week), bike stuff (pedal bike)...theres a lot and I dont mind! as long as I can share in the wealth sometimes.

my mom and dad sound like your mom and dad. my dad says jump, mom says how high. dad wont "ask" for anything. he comes home after work and says "is there anything to eat?" course there is, why cant you just ask!! my folks interaction drives me nuts but it isnt my relationship.

it kind of sounds like I am playing the part of my mom by backing down and not pushing for something *I* want

please forgive me, for by now I have probably used up several pages on this rant, and you all dont need to put up with my displeasure.

sorry for the rants, and thanks for the advice