Any others who don't want to have kids?

I am finding myself seemingly a member of a minority; adults who do not wish to have children. At work, I am in a department of roughly 40 people; ALL of them have kids. 90 percent of the people I hung out with in high school have one or more kids already.
I am 25, living happily with my boyfriend and my pets; we have discussed marriage but really see nothing wrong with life the way it is now. This has no bearing on the kid thing though; I just don't feel any urge, any desire to have kids. I have a strong nurturing instinct, as most women (and maybe men) do; but I spend a ton of time caring for our pets (the horses especially, but also things like cleaning tanks, etc.) as well as tending a garden and housework, not to menthin working over 40 hours a week.
So am I just an oddball? I get alot of the "so, when ya's having kids?" thing at work, family gatherings, etc. and I always reply with "we have animals." Your thoughts on this?

Gin, even though or maybe because I have four kids, I think I get what you are saying here. If your life is what you want it to be and you are content, that's just fine. Whatever society, your co-workers or family thinks...in the end it's you that will birth and raise the children (hopefully with your partner's assistance of course). Only you can decide and be okay with that decision.

At 25 you also have years upon years of fertility left if you ever decide you do want a child after all. These days women have choices and the ability to bear children safely much later in life than even one generation before us so no need to rush any decision. If in the end you decide to not have children, there's no reason to justify that to anyone..it's a personal decision after all.

Quite honestly there's far too many folks in this world that had kids that shouldn't have or had them for all the wrong reasons. At least you are making a conscious well thought out decision and no one can or should critize you for that.

I had my first child at 26, my fourth at almost 40. There were folks that wondered why I "waited so long to have my first" and then wondered why I had one "so late in life"...geesh...people are rude to be so nosey about what is really none of their dang business LOL

Thanks; it seriously is a relief to hear some support :) My family really doesn't bug me about this; it is more like coworkers and family friends. My boyfriend already has a daughter from a previous relationship, and she is arond 9 yrs. old. He doesn't have custody but sees her pretty often. He has no desire to have more kids, so I guess I have found my match :) I guess the real trouble would be, if one of us wanted to and the other didn't.

Gin, I think it's very wise to know yourself well enough to recognize what you truly want, and not give in to the enormous peer pressure or societal "norms" about having kids. You may change your mind someday, as Jo pointed out, but you may not.


I have two very dear friends, both are married to wonderful guys and live a relatively high income lifestyle. And both of them have chosen to not have children. One, because she's an officer in the Air Force, and she knows she couldn't bear the thought of a daycare raising her child, nor bear the thought of being away for months at a time. So she'd have to choose between a child and a career she loves. I totally respect her decision, and believe she is much much wiser than so many women who try to have kids and a heavy career at the same time. And my other friend is more like you are sounding...in that she and her husband just never had that urge to have kids. They love other people's children...get along great with them...are very loving, caring, nurturing people. I think they'd make great parents. But they don't want to be parents, and again, I completely respect that.

Having 3 kids myself, I can easily see all the great reasons not to. Know your heart, and savor your life! But be ready for the onslaught of people who assume "everyone" wants kids and wonder why you don't....and the multitude of busybodies who will try to convince you that you're making a mistake. You will find them everywhere. Probably most especially from the segment of those parents who had children without ever giving it any conscious thought whatsoever....and they can't stand to see a grown, responsible adult who is free of the huge responsibility they must bear.

Those are the same kind of people, sadly most often other women, who when you do get pregnant proceed to tell you every scarey birthing story they can think of....blech!

Gin,

No, you aren't crazy, wrong or sillly. I'm 42, and now am married to my 2nd husband who will be 30 shortly. I don't have any children, nor do I have the desire for them.
I do like children, I have two young neices who I adore, I just do not want one of my own.
My aunt is a minister who works at her churches national headquarters and is in charge of national youth ministry. She will be 53 in December, has no children, and never wanted any. She is happy, healthy and successful.
Just because most people do have kids, you aren't wrong to not do so. It is a personal choice, it just isn't the one most people make.
Mina

I know what you are talking about Gin. Katie and I get asked the same questions all the time. We want to have kids SOMEDAY, but not right now.....that is just hard to explain to people sometimes.

On a related note, I read an article in some sociology journal that a number of people our age are 'substituting' animals for children because they are either not ready to have kids or do not want to have kids. That is one main reason for the very large increase in pet ownership for people in their twenties during the last decade or so. I will see if I can find a copy of the article...it was very interesting to read.

I raised 2 boys who I love very much. Now they are grown and have families of their own. I am in a relationship with someone now who says she never wants to have children. I don't see a problem at all with that. Some people place all their self worth into getting married and having kids. I feel if the woman is the one to have to give birth it is her decision. Many families put pressure on people to start a family. I feel if someone really wants children thats fine, but if kids aren't for you don't worry about it. What makes you happy??!! Children are a major responsibility. If you like the way things are now then refraining from having kids is the most responsible approach rather than caving in to peer pressure. Many people love kids yet choose to not have any of their own.:)

Thanks for your replies; I am glad I am not alone on this :)

I personally don't want kids of my own. However, if I meet a girl who has kids (90% of the time haha) I have no problem with them. I just have this weird thing about me. I know they say there's a joy of having kids, but to see my wife go through labor would kill me to see her in that much pain.

I've had people ask me didn't I like kids, didn't I want them? (at age 22!!! For heavens sakes!!) I've also had people tell me I'm wasting my college education because I'm a stay at home mom. Basically it boils down to what you are comfortable with. I've always wanted the little boogers, but I waited until I was ready for them. You can't let other people dictate what you do and when. If that is what's right for you now, then you should go with it. :gj:

my husband and i think that we would like to have children at some point, at least 5 years or more down the road, but we have no desire to have children right now at all. no way, no how, we are NOT ready for kids. my sister-in-law is having a baby girl in september and one of my father-in-laws biggest concerns has become when my husband and i are going to have start having kids, because his grandkids "need to grow up together." (even though we live 6 hours apart, so it's not like they would be playing together on a daily basis or anything.) the choice to have children is a HUGE deal, not something that you should just do because that's what people do. i think it's awesome that you and your boyfriend recognize that it's something that just isn't right for you. :)

I love kids...enough to know that I don't want any of my own. My critters are my kids. Not to mention the big kid I live with (aka Kev) - that's enough for me right there, thank you very much! :D

K~

My wife doesn't want kids...but I think that "someday" I want a son or daughter to pass things on to and she (my wife) is agreable to that. I just turned 26, and we will celebrate our 4th anniversary this August. I look at this way: we still have a LOT of time think it over and really decide, more importantly prepare. Right now? no way. House isn't big enough, have to many bills, to many animals, to many "toys", to many "wants", etc. I also will admit that my wife would probably describe me in a similiar manor that Kevin was :) We don't get alot of pressure personally, there are enough other relatives in the family that have kids. My mom and dad where to young when they had me...I wasn't planned but I turned out ok...I think...

In my oppinion those people who are tying to pressure young couples about "building a family" when they may not be ready...should put some of that effort into educating even younger couples and school aged kids about the *dangers* of sex. There is nothing that makes me cringe more than hearing about 13 and 14 year old children...becoming pregnant. I respect those that actually put some thought into having children because there are way to many that simply don't. I think the 20ish + age is somewhat still a period of time when people think we should be having kids, I think we will all know when the time is right. If the choice is not to have kids, nothing wrong with that either.

here's a great article i published in my magazine:

http://www.timelessspirit.com/NOV04/charlene.shtml

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Originally Posted by Vomitore

I personally don't want kids of my own. However, if I meet a girl who has kids (90% of the time haha) I have no problem with them. I just have this weird thing about me. I know they say there's a joy of having kids, but to see my wife go through labor would kill me to see her in that much pain.

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It's a labor of LOVE. Some women have little to no pain giving birth while others are in excructiating pain the entire time.

Gin your decision is just that, YOURS to make.

I was raised and taught that it's an honor to be a mom, and that's why I'm here having this life experience. My family jumped me because we had been married over four years and didn't have kids yet. At that time, both of us were working, and going to school and didn't have ANY sort of medical benefits or insurance and would have been bankrupt w/the hospital bills.

D then got hired FT w/benefits. FD wasn't planned, but she's been a blessing. I WAS getting ready to leave the abusive marriage when I was made pregnant, but I wouldn't wish for Robin's NON-existance AT ALL!! I love her w/ALL MY HEART.

I wanted more, but D deliberately w/held......:blah blah: Now that I'm where I could have more, and still want another one or two, my body is saying "OUT OF BUSINESS" so I'm having to deal with that. BUT..........

If you and BF find the emotional satisfaction from your relationship and from caring for your animals, then there's NO REASON why U should have kids. It is a personal decision that you have to make and be willing to live with. Yes, at 25 you have time, but there may be circumstances that happen that prevent you from having them, if U changed your mind. You'd just have to be willing to deal w/those feelings then.

(Yeah, I know the last thought is sort of murky.) I guess it's just that waiting is cool too, but if U were to change your mind, time lost can't be regained and you'd have to deal w/regrets if you had them. (That one wasn't much better, either....Sorry!!! :oops: )

*WHEW* BOTTOM LINE: YOUR choice, YOU have to live with it.....if you're HAPPY, then it's cool! :cool:

RuLyn

and let's not forget just how overpopulated this planet already is... ;) so from the environmental stand... not having kids... "it's a good thing"

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Originally Posted by recycling goddess

and let's not forget just how overpopulated this planet already is... ;) so from the environmental stand... not having kids... "it's a good thing"

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Haha I agree. I hate trying to find a parking spot!

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Originally Posted by Vomitore

Haha I agree. I hate trying to find a parking spot!

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Overpopulated AND the air stinks....ride a bicycle Mike...easy to park those! :P

I don't want kids, never wanted kids, and don't have kids. I marreid a guy who had 3 adult sons, so now I have 7 grandkids.
I still dislike children, and would prefer to never have any. I have my critters, and they are much better.
If you don't want kids, you shouldn't have them. End of story.
I got and get pressure on it, as my family is mostly catholic.
Wolfy

I don't want kids either. Maybe my views will change. I doubt it though. I don't dislike them, I just think i'd make a junky parent;)

Parenting isnt as easy as it used to be. Cant rule a household like my grandparents used to (with a belt and firm rules) anymore. (what the heck is Child protective sevi-someting or another) haha just kidding.


I think everyone has to look within themselves and ask themself "with how society is(you know what im talkin about), education across the country, the economy, my financial stability, my judement, my available time and resources, will I make a good parent in 2007(or whenever).

Sure Id make mom of the year in 1956 but ya know what...it isnt 1956.
If you as adult ( i wanna stress that word) can handel the responsiblility and the level of maturity to raise a healthy (to whatever degree that may be for some individuals) being, then go for it.

Now finding a partner who wants the same and is on your level is another story. (parenting is a team thing (if you have a partner) and not always do people agree on parenting skills and what to do)

Those who dont want to have and raise children, its not all that bad.Sure it wont be as easy making friends with your neighborhood full of childrenfull families but that doesnt mean your not a family! Family is what ever you wish it to be and where ever you find it. For instance my two good friends have small children, when their kids bdays come around what do i do.....
I rent my nephew and take him along. I get the enjoyment of running around after him, making him smile, learning the evil construction and function of the CARSEAT(am i the only one who finds some of those things difficult) and at the end of the day I give him back to his mommy. I get the enjoyment of the partent without all the hoopla that comes with it. "rent-a-family" Dan and I do it all the time.

Your young, 25 isnt when your womb dries out and says"too late sucka". Give it some time. Your still growing into the person you are ment to be till you get old and have to wear a hearing aide and velcro shoes.

*What makes me sore is anyone women who wants a baby(saying all her babymaker parts are working) can have a baby, but does anyone notice how hard it is to adpot a fricken pet from a humane socitey!!??? *

You're not alone. I know a lot of folks who prefer to live "child free" for all the reasons listed above and more. Nothing wrong with it in the least. I've often leaned that direction, but Karen's talked me into considering the idea of adopting someday. Preferably an older kid who really needs us and is comfortable/gentle with animals.

There's tons of kids already born who badly need good homes, and it seems rediculous that there's SO much pressure to pop out your own. Even in the GBLT community, frozen sperm and what have you... and I find that appalling. It seems to me that when people who can't have kids really want kids they should look to the children already on this planet who need them instead of to science. I'd really like to see more people who really want children adopt.

And for those who don't really want children, that's just fine too. "Because it's just what you do" isn't a good reason to have kids, imho. Don't try to put a square peg in a round hole and be yourself. I'm happy with just critters around, I'm more comfortable around animals than people as a general rule anyway. If that changes, we'll see who needs us.

I have a 9yr old daughter, there isn't a moment since having her that I consider my life with out her. My life revolves around my daughter, my husband, my household and my pets!


With that said, I'm not one of these woman who carries 200 pictures of their kids in their purse or has 200 pictures and drawings all over the office, or shoves their kid stories down everyone throats that will or won't listen! I mean come on, this woman in my office has a 5yr old who is lovingly called "DAMIEN" and she thinks he's a sweetheart! The whole office knows every time this kid urinates on the carpet or bites his sisters leg, every time she brings him here the screams can be heard throughout the building and she just laughs!!…it's not cute!! Most of these kids are spoiled BRATS that desperately need to be taught the word "NO".

I think woman in general are each others worst enemies, in my office there are about 20 woman and all but two have kids. All of them have two-three kids, I have one. I can honestly say the woman with kids clearly treat the other woman as less! I have one and get the, "you're not a mother unless you have at least two!" comment all the time! They've all but pushed these two poor girls away because all they talk about is kids, kids and more kids! Any other topic/subject turns to kids! Your not a woman unless you have kids!

Same goes for family, your family is always pushing you to have kids 24/7! It doesn't matter if you're not in a stable marriage, or financially can't support a child, or are about to get a divorce, they seem to think a child will instantly fix everything and is required!

I say, live your life to the fullest the way you want to live, kids or no kids!

[QUOTE=MedusasOwl]I've often leaned that direction, but Karen's talked me into considering the idea of adopting someday. Preferably an older kid who really needs us and is comfortable/gentle with animals. QUOTE]

I saw something on Discover Health in which this husband and wife adopted 23 special needs children. some that were prodcuts of rapes,some with congenital defects, downs syndrome, etc. They had a mini community in their home. They taught each child and adult skills they needed to make it in there community and in the world. from making your bed, doing dishes, cooking, paying bills or making purchases at the grocery store, yard work and house maintence, and caring for each other. These were children who could have spent most of their childhood in homes, in facilites and in hospitals. It made me look at my own life and what I really want out of it. If i have that unconditonal love within me and can afford mentally, physically and financialy to raise a child that might spend what little time her or she may have in and out of homes due to their special needs....why not.When my life reaches that point..and that road is layed before me..I'll always consider it.

Adopting an older child is a wonderful thing. I couldnt imagine being a teen or preteen and seeing all the infants being adopted out and knowing I might spend the rest of my adolesence a ward of the state and not part of a family.

besides...diaper chaning isnt for everyone!;)

I'm 34 and I've never wanted kids either although I'm open for discussions should Rick and I decide to "go there"...but I've never been a "kid person". When I was high school and friends of my parents would ask them if it would be okay if I babysat their kids, my folks would always be like "oh, that's probably not a good idea." LOL!

I totally appreciate other people's children, that they changed their lives forever and it's a wonderful experience...but it's not for me, not now and not in the forseeable future.

My parents will have to deal with having grandbaby cats and snakes (muwhahahha!).

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Originally Posted by 4Khan

Adopting an older child is a wonderful thing. I couldnt imagine being a teen or preteen and seeing all the infants being adopted out and knowing I might spend the rest of my adolesence a ward of the state and not part of a family.

besides...diaper chaning isnt for everyone!;)

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Lol, yes, goodness knows I have enough poo to clean up around here! ;) But yeah, 2 of my best friends were adopted, and I think it's really a beautiful thing... and sad that so many people are reluctant to do it in favor of artificial insemination and fertility drugs etc. Maybe someday :) Although I honestly don't know if I'd be able to handle a special needs child... the folks who can have my utmost respect and admiration!

thought this article was interesting.....
it made me think of this thread


http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06155/695303-109.stm

Hey either you do or you don't , being a parent has been the most amazing and fulfilling part of my life.I love them more than anything , I would walk the whole planet for them.When I look into their eye's it's the best feeling in the world.The day my kid's were born I cried , I'm not afraid to admit it.To me they are what life's all about.