I turn 40 in a few months. Is it still possible at this age to find a best friend?

It seems like yesterday that I was a late teen early twenties young man, looking wide eyed at the world of possibilities. Then life happened, and zoom, I am quickly approaching my 40s. I have never been particularly social, but in college I had a best friend. He wasn't in my university but he went to music school in the same city and worked nights at the gym I went to. Being a night person there were many a night I would go work out till midnight and hang out with him till it was time for class the next day. I miss that a lot.

I graduated and moved back home in another country. We stayed in touch for a while but one day he apparently got a job in an orchestra and left the country. I haven't spoken to him since. He has no social media presence believe it or not, although his sister (whom I have never met) is apparently making indie films and I saw him listed as a musician in her movies. I think it would be weird to try to find him like that though.

Then a few years later, a girl just started chatting to me on a minibus I took at the time. We ended up becoming friends and going on these little adventures that summer, but then she also moved away to the UK.

Nowadays at this age, sometimes I feel like just given up. I recently have tried to go to some social events, but it is much different now. Everyone seems to only want to give "friendship" if they can use you for something. Sometines, guys would size me up to see if they can dominate me, and girls are suspicious what my motives are, when all I really want is a friend. I don't want to fight and I don't want to date, I just want a friend.

I did go to an event recently where everyone was nice but even though it was planned, it has been a month and a half and no second meeting ever took place. Everyone is busy at this age.

Is it still possible to find a best friend at 39 going on 40? A family member recently pretty much said forget it, what do I think I am, a schoolboy? I am so jealous of guys like Seth Rogen and James Franco having met in their teens and stayed friends through work and life, trials and tribulations like that North Korea deal, as well as great successes. I'm not really asking for so much am I? Just a best friend that's all. Not fake friends, those are a dime a dozen.

I know, I sound like a wuss. LOL!

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Originally Posted by hungba

It seems like yesterday that I was a late teen early twenties young man, looking wide eyed at the world of possibilities. Then life happened, and zoom, I am quickly approaching my 40s. I have never been particularly social, but in college I had a best friend. He wasn't in my university but he went to music school in the same city and worked nights at the gym I went to. Being a night person there were many a night I would go work out till midnight and hang out with him till it was time for class the next day. I miss that a lot.

I graduated and moved back home in another country. We stayed in touch for a while but one day he apparently got a job in an orchestra and left the country. I haven't spoken to him since. He has no social media presence believe it or not, although his sister (whom I have never met) is apparently making indie films and I saw him listed as a musician in her movies. I think it would be weird to try to find him like that though.

Then a few years later, a girl just started chatting to me on a minibus I took at the time. We ended up becoming friends and going on these little adventures that summer, but then she also moved away to the UK.

Nowadays at this age, sometimes I feel like just given up. I recently have tried to go to some social events, but it is much different now. Everyone seems to only want to give "friendship" if they can use you for something. Sometines, guys would size me up to see if they can dominate me, and girls are suspicious what my motives are, when all I really want is a friend. I don't want to fight and I don't want to date, I just want a friend.

I did go to an event recently where everyone was nice but even though it was planned, it has been a month and a half and no second meeting ever took place. Everyone is busy at this age.

Is it still possible to find a best friend at 39 going on 40? A family member recently pretty much said forget it, what do I think I am, a schoolboy? I am so jealous of guys like Seth Rogen and James Franco having met in their teens and stayed friends through work and life, trials and tribulations like that North Korea deal, as well as great successes. I'm not really asking for so much am I? Just a best friend that's all. Not fake friends, those are a dime a dozen.

I know, I sound like a wuss. LOL!

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Sure it is. I'm 31 and I found a best friend earlier this year. I'm in one of the exotic groups in Louisiana and he got some feeders from me one day and a week or so later I went to check out his reptile center he's trying to open up and that's the day we became best friends. Honestly he's more like a brother at this point as him and his wife treat me like part of the family, inviting me over for Thanksgiving and such because they knew I didn't want to really do much with my family. He has several venomous, and pythons/boas/colubrids and said if I wanted a key he would get me a key and I was more then welcome to come hang out whenever I wanted. In just under I would say two months, he's became a brother I never had. I wasn't looking for a best friend/brother but I found one.

Lucky you. Yes, it all seems to happen by chance doesn't it? In my late twenties I met a friend after buying heating pads from him. Can't remember how it happened exactly, but years later I tore my arm and was in hospital and he took care of my herps.

31 is a lot different than 39 though. When I was 31, I was a champion athlete and everyone was always kissing my butt (insincerely of course, and only when I won). Now I am like the crazy snake guy (herp world answer to crazy cat lady). I also, and I am almost reluctant to say this as I was once a rebellious youth, do not understand the new culture and vernacular brought on by the new generations. Everything is tweets this and hashtag that. Even older folks do it. I don't understand what it, all means.

But thankyou, your story gives me hope. 😊

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Originally Posted by hungba

Lucky you. Yes, it all seems to happen by chance doesn't it? In my late twenties I met a friend after buying heating pads from him. Can't remember how it happened exactly, but years later I tore my arm and was in hospital and he took care of my herps.

31 is a lot different than 39 though. When I was 31, I was a champion athlete and everyone was always kissing my butt (insincerely of course, and only when I won). Now I am like the crazy snake guy (herp world answer to crazy cat lady). I also, and I am almost reluctant to say this as I was once a rebellious youth, do not understand the new culture and vernacular brought on by the new generations. Everything is tweets this and hashtag that. Even older folks do it. I don't understand what it, all means.

But thankyou, your story gives me hope. ��

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Honestly man, age has little to do with it. The hard part is finding people that are loyal and have the same integrity & values. Too many people these days lack all three of those, and part of it is how they're raised tbh I think. I work in a jail so I can tell you from experience how often I see the dark side of people.

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Where are you from? Move to Louisiana, I can always use another friend who's into reptiles.

Well I live in Hong Kong, so that's kind of far, but I already consider you a remote friend already just for replying to my post.

I think lack of a social life is a pretty common problem now, I see it complained about from people I know on facebook and even the few friends I do hang out with say the same thing. No one has time, no one plans anything, everyone would like to hang out though. My close friends for the most part moved away too and it's definitely awkward sometimes trying to make new ones! I don't think it's impossible at all, but does depend on the person. My older sister and mother are both very active in various org/groups and make new close friends that way often.

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Originally Posted by hungba

Well I live in Hong Kong, so that's kind of far, but I already consider you a remote friend already just for replying to my post.

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Well thanks, and same can be said for you.

What's it like living in Hong Kong? I want to visit there one day in the future. I have a friend who used to be a flight attendant and he said it's nice there, but visiting anywhere can be nice.

I am 43 years old and other then my boyfriend whom I have been living with for almost 14 years I do not really have any friends. I have Facebook friends but they live far away and they are not into snakes like I am. My boyfriend isn't totally into them either but he supports me for my love of the hobby. I come on this website everyday because I have some really good friends and I actually have things in common with them. You will find a best friend. My family doesn't support me at all, basically turned their backs on me several years ago, and they are not into me keeping snakes. I don't really care. I don't need them anyways. I have learned to be happy with what I have and I am grateful to be with a man that loves and supports me for who I am.

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Originally Posted by hungba

Well I live in Hong Kong, so that's kind of far, but I already consider you a remote friend already just for replying to my post.

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Hey, 40's is not even considered the prime of life. You are still a very young person and should just enjoy life as it unfolds for you. Most times you meet someone who becomes important in your life purely by accident or coincidence and not when you are looking for them. I am in my 60's and married but I often meet people and have learned to trust others which is a important aspect in making acquaiintences, neighbors and friends. And as a medical person I know about aging and you are a young person.

It's never too late to find friends. But, you may want to re-evaluate your "everyone just wants to use you for something" philosophy. Perhaps you're being too cynical. In a less cynical way friendship is based on this. In any relationship people need to be doing something for each other. Otherwise there is no real motivation for the relationship. Of course there is a line where someone is truly taking advantage. I wonder if you just need to move your line a bit.

Don't ever give up brother, and you ain't a wuss. I'm fifty one, it's never to late. Never hurts to smile, be polite. Relax a little, you'll make one. Peace.

I read somewhere (and this seems to jive with anecdotal experience) that close friendships are most likely to develop when you have frequent/regular contact with people that is basically required or automatic. So classmates and coworkers are likely candidates, because you see them all the time whether you make a particular plan to see them or not. Same is true for people at clubs, churches, gyms, buses/trains, or other activities you go to on a regular basis for some particular reason beyond just hanging out.
So that's why lots of people make best friends in college, for example. It helps that by college, your classmates are more likely to be people who share interests. I am still kind of sad that I really didn't make friends in college at all, because I know so many people who value their college friendships.
My spouse met his best friend in college, and they were roommates after; then all three of us lived together for about nine years until spouse's BFF moved out to live with his girlfriend. So at this point, spouse's BFF is basically my BFF too.
I've thought about this some recently because I've done only a mediocre job of keeping up with other friends and formerr coworkers; I mostly work alone now, and I miss having coworkers every day. I'm mostly too lazy or busy to go to social events, which I know is no one's fault but my own. But fortunately I have spouse, who really is my bestest friend. And our former housemate and his girlfriend live only five minutes away so we see them often.

But before I met Spouse, basically my entire social life was bicycling clubs. That's less true now, but I suppose that if I were in need of another social outlet, that's where I'd retreat to.

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Originally Posted by ballpythonluvr

I am 43 years old and other then my boyfriend whom I have been living with for almost 14 years I do not really have any friends. I have Facebook friends but they live far away and they are not into snakes like I am. My boyfriend isn't totally into them either but he supports me for my love of the hobby. I come on this website everyday because I have some really good friends and I actually have things in common with them. You will find a best friend. My family doesn't support me at all, basically turned their backs on me several years ago, and they are not into me keeping snakes. I don't really care. I don't need them anyways. I have learned to be happy with what I have and I am grateful to be with a man that loves and supports me for who I am.

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Similar situation here. 48, and been with the same guy for the last ten years. BF isn't really an animal person, but he is supportive, also enjoys what we have, and I too, am grateful to have him in my life. I don't have friends here, just some acquaintances with somewhat similar interests. I'm not a "people person" anyway. Always prefer my solitude. I don't follow FaceBook, but post on a couple of animal care forums, and one political forum. Parents are both gone, and I have nothing in common with what's left of the family (it was never a close family anyway).

Can't really speak from my own experience, since I'm fifteen and still have a lot of growing to do lol, but my mom didn't find her best friend until she was thirty-two, and they've been close ever since. I don't think there's an age limit to when you should stop looking for a best friend, love, whatever. You'll fine a good friend one day, just gotta keep looking!

hungba don't be upset and just look around, go out wherever it's possible for you to grasp a sudden opportunity as I did. I'll be 40 very soon and late November I made friends with a guy - just quite of a sudden. We now think that was a mere coincedence. So it's never late for you also.:)

I was so lost for few months asking me these questions. What is the purpose of life? For eating? For breathing? For living for the sake of living ? Really?
I had gone through the book “Jungle" Yossi Ghinsberg (keynote speaker).
For me meaning comes from a continual desire to build something that I think is worthwhile and leave a mark behind. I wake up each day and try to make it better than the previous one, and to learn something I didn't know the previous day. Set reasonably high standards for yourself (not unattainable ones)- try to achieve that. Rinse. Repeat - until you die. You will be a happy man along the way. I guarantee it.

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Originally Posted by Coluber42

I read somewhere (and this seems to jive with anecdotal experience) that close friendships are most likely to develop when you have frequent/regular contact with people that is basically required or automatic. So classmates and coworkers are likely candidates, because you see them all the time whether you make a particular plan to see them or not. Same is true for people at clubs, churches, gyms, buses/trains, or other activities you go to on a regular basis for some particular reason beyond just hanging out.

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I think frequent contact is the main factor. I work remotely from home and my coworkers live nowhere near me. I don't go to church or the gym. The only reason I have friends is because I have social hobbies. I belong to a few groups of people that get together a couple times a month and do things. A lot of these people share my goals and ideals and I've known them long enough to know I can count on them in a pinch. That means a lot to me. I don't have a "best friend", but I've never been one to play favorites. My friends are all important.

So while I could just say "find a hobby" its important to find a social hobby. I also consider my snakes a hobby, but I haven't made many other friends who are into herps. I'm good with the guy who runs the local pet store, but he doesn't have time for much outside of the store. It keeps him busy. I've also met another breeder nearby. I invited him to see my collection, but he never got back to me about it. So what you really want is a group that gets together often. That way you can get to know people and make friends.

And you never know, sometimes hobbies will cross over. I've met people on here who are into the same dorky web comic I like and people irl who are happy to come see my snakes. I just had a guy over a few days ago and he was blown away by all the neat morphs I have. Btw I'm 35, not that it matters.

Being best friends requires a mature level of real compromise, dependability and acceptance. A person that you can count on to be there physically and/or emotionally, based on the situation. Someone you can count on to tell you the truth, and give you good advice and support, delivered in a caring manner. When they fall short, best friends are people who can hear about it, really apologize, and do better next time. I didn't develop deep friendships until I was in my 40's...good acquaintances, sure, but not people I could really count on to be helpful when the sh** hit the fan. It's a very special thing to have, that requires proximity and time to become a valuable relationship.
I know many couples who love each other and are together, but they aren't best friends. I don't know how they maintain that level of intimate relationship without a deep friendship as well.
I think true best friend relationships are just as likely, or even more likely to occur for late-middle aged and older people.
A really special significant relationship can develop for someone in these age brackets from a best friendship. It's a more deliberate thing, with more to hold it together than just desire.

And if the above was "too much," you can always fall back on this sure-fire gauge for determining whether or not a deep and lasting, intimate relationship is possible: Just ask yourself..."Do I care enough about this person to pick his/her hair out of the tub drain for the rest of my life?" :hug: