Time for another joke thread

Like the title says....
I'll start:
A lady walks into a diner and sits at the bar. Waitress comes over and she orders a burger and fries. She sees the waitress hand the ticket to the cook through the pass-through window and is totally grossed out when he starts to patty the burger using his armpit. About to puke, she flags her waitress and says scratch the order, she's leaving. The waitress sees the cook making pit patties and replies "You think that's disgusting? You should show up at five in the morning and watch him make donuts!"

How do you get a nice 80 old women to say the f-word?




Have another nice 80 old women sit next to her and yell, "BINGO!"

a man with a turban on goes into a bar and asks for a shot of black label. then he asks for 5 shots of whiskey and he drinks them real fast. then he asks for another 6 shots of black label and drinks them really fast. the bartender finally asks "why are you drinking so fast" and he said "you would be drinking fast too if you had wut i have in my pocket!" the man said "oh no a bomb" the man said "nope" The bartender said "what then?" and the man in the turban whispered in his ear "75 cents" and ran out the door.

Brian

P.s. i thought it was funny lol

When is it 12 O'clock at Michael Jacksons house?




...


When the big hand touches the little hand.

This isn't a joke, but it's cute anyway.



Friendship Prayer


May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who ruins your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen!


My mom received that in an email from someone she works with in Pediatrics at a S&W Clinic... Of all places! LoL

Well I truely suck at remembering jokes but I can google with the best of them.

Here's a page of snake jokes I found, some kinda cute, some absolute klunkers but all clean enough to tell your gramma.

http://www.yuckles.com/jokes.htm

Let's keep it clean guys, ok? (I may be the mod most picky about this, so bite me!)

:P

I'm picky too, but I haven't seen any foul language or anything too dirty that a 12 year old couldn't handle :) BPBabe is on the younger side(How old are you again? 12-13? If older or younger, I apologize), and the one she posted was perdy dirtay! LoL. But like she said, do keep it clean and appropriate for younger members.

Yeah.. I guess 12 year olds are tougher than I think. Just keep it in mind guys.. that's all I was saying.

I think what we all mean is: Just keep 'er clean enough for your Grandma. ;)

here is a funny one i just found(well not that funny just cute i guess)

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

Brian

Ya you had the age right. Sorry I didn't think that one was very bad...but I'll refrain from saying that one in the future.

hahaha, Brian, i liked that one


The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Harry the Magician was performing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The pay was lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over.

There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand the tricks. So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:

'Look, it's not the same hat!'

'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!'

'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?'

Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot.

Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ... with the parrot perched on the other end.

Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but did not utter a single word.

After a week the parrot finally said: 'Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?'

Don't think my "grandma" would approve

Darn, Guess someone should give Grandma a dollar to go buy a sense of humor
Beings that my son's Grandma told me the joke :)

I'm sure it just depends on the grandma

Yeah Grandma's are funny like that :)
Guess I shouldn't say to much as I am not to far off from Grandma-ville

This is a half joke half scary story..

A teenage girl was baby sitting 2 little kids. She turned on the news, and it said "Warning, Warning. Catwomen is on the loose, lock all your doors and windows" So, she went around and locked all of her doors and windows, and checked on the kids. THey were fine. She turns on the news again, and it said "Warning Warning, Catwoman is at your block, lock all your doors and windows". SO she went around and made sure all the doors and windows were locked, and checked on the kids. Everything was fine. She heres a nock at the door, and looks through the peephole. She sees a green eye. She calls the police and says "Catwoman is at my house!" THey reply, "Sorry, there have been too many prank calls, we can't beleive anyone". A few minutes later she heres another knock at the door, and it is the police. She says "How did you know that cat woman was really at my house?" They replied, "Because when you hung up, someone else did."

That one gives me the chills everytime I say it!!

THere is a man named Tom Aido. He is running in a marathon. As someone passes him, they yell "Hey Tom Aido, Catch up!"

Did anyon get the Tom Aido one?

My grandma would still be marveling over how the arrow on the screen moves around the same way your hand directs the mouse.

Yuk yuk; I have a sense of humor that's drier than a tank with a screen lid.

:D