Short stupid jokes

k everybody, lets see how many jokes we can list...
Ill start. I read this one in a readers digest while my wife was getting a hair cut, and laughed pretty hard. I got some funny looks.

One day, shortly after being diagnosed with ADD, a child said this to his father:

Boy: "Dad, how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
Dad: "How many son?"
Boy: "Lets go ride bikes!"

:boo: :boo: :boo:

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm an engineering major. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

A teacher walked into his kindergarden classroom and saw a five year old boy throwing books around and smoking a cigar. So the teacher said:
"Stop you can't that!
And the kid replied: "This is a progressive school you can do whatever you want.
So the teacher killed him.

A teacher was teaching her class one day about whales and told them that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human. Little Sally disagreed with her teacher saying that "well, a whale swallowed Jonah" The teacher repeated that a whale could not have possibly swallowed Jonah...it's just impossible. The girl replied "well when I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah" and the teacher said to her "well what if Jonah went to Hell?" Little Sally replied by saying "Well, in that case, you can ask him."

Great one Ironhead!
By the way, the Bible states that Jnah was swollowed by a big fish, not really a whale.
Heres one a made up:
A father walked into his son's bedroom and saw he had smashed everything in his room. He was furious and yelled:
"Whay are you braking everything in your room?"
The boy replied:
"Dad, its not braking, its reverse engineering."

So this pirate walked into a bar. The bartender noticed that he had a big stearing wheel on his pants. So the bartender asked him, "Why do you have that stearing wheel on your pants?" And the pirate said, "ARRRR! It's drivin' me nuts!"

I love that one Gen!

What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas! (My kids loved that one when they were little.)

Why did the math book go to the school counselor? Because he had lots of problems!

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Marla

I love that one Gen!

---

Yeah, it's even funnier when my 9 year old nephew says it. :)

cool one marla i don't get the third one but the 1st and 2nd one i love them

Gen, I'll bet. :lol:

BPKid, thanks. The third one means it took George Bush three years to finish second grade. :P

oh yea

it wa my bro and he doesnt get things.lol those were funny

Two blondes are on their building roof looking at the moon. First blonde says, "I wonder which is closer, Florida, or the moon?"; to which the second blonde replies, "DUH!, CAN YOU SEE FLORIDA?!?!"

As a blonde was driving her car past a cornfield, she looked out and saw another blonde in a canoe in the middle of the field, paddling the boat. The blonde stopped her car and stood at the edge of the cornfield and shouted "Hey!! You!!! It's people like you that give us blondes such a bad rep. If i had a boat, i'd come out there and kick your @$$!!!!"

..............and the other squirrle say's (with a confused look on his face) "Ohhhhhh.... BEERRRRRnuts!

https://ball-pythons.net/modules/cop...l_squirrel.JPG

lol

Where on earth did you fint that pic Ironhead?

im not sure if im getting this joke completely right, but this is basically it:



there waws a blonde driving in her new convertable, and she was driving extrememly fast down the road. Well, a cop came out of no where and pulled her over. This cop was an attractive blonde cop. She told the driver that she needed to see her I.D., and the blonde driver asked what that was, so the cop told her it was that square thing with your face on it. Well, the blonde ws digging through her purse, and ppulled out a small mirror, looked at it, then gave it to the cop saying, 'here you go'. the cop looked at it, then said "oh, im sorry, you can go, i didnt realize you were a cop'



lol



i have another joke, but its not "short" its kinda long

maybe ill post it later

Quote:

---

Where on earth did you fint that pic Ironhead?

---

That pic was taken by a friend of mine from her backyard in Iowa a couple of years ago. I was just going through some of my saved stuff in my e-mail and found it and decided to do something with it. lol

Ummmm.............The only "Short Stupid Joke" that I can remember is one my grandpa used to tell all the grandkids when we were younger...

How do you make a hankey dance?...............You put a little "boogie" in it!

I know its corny! lol But forgive me.. haha! :P

haha.lol

A lady's Great Dane had a toothache so she took it to the vet. The vet picked the Great Dane up and looked at it's mouth and said, "I'm gonna have to put him down."
The lady with a shocked look on her face said, "Cause he's got a toothache??"
The vet answered, "No, cause he's heavy."

HA! I have one~
A precious little girl walks in to a pet shop and asks in
the sweetest little lisp "Excuthe me mither, where do you keep
widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so
he’s on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a
thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on
her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice...

"I don’t fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."


and Another

"You might be a herper if you keep your best friends dead skin"
"You might be a herper if you had to take down pictures of relatves, so you would have more room to put up pictures of your python eating"

hahahahahahahaha

Found this and thought I would share.....

Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss." This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don't hiss in my pit." This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in."

now try telling that joke out loud after a beer or two. :D

Sorry if this upsets anyone its the only shrot joke I know

Q. What has two legs and bleeds worse than anything.


A. Half a cat

Ironhead, that joke reminds me of the duck joke. I can't repeat that here :P

Great books I've read.........

50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makit......Illustrated by Betty Dont
Revenge of the Cat by Claude Balls
The Narrow Doorway by Hugh Jass

Quote:

---

Great books I've read.........

50 Yards to the Outhouse by Willie Makit......Illustrated by Betty Dont
Revenge of the Cat by Claude Balls
The Narrow Doorway by Hugh Jass

---

Dont stop there.....lol

Green spots on the wall...by Pickum & Flickum
Brown spots on the wall...by Who Flung Doo
Yellow River....by I. P. Freeley
Under the Bleachers....by C. Moor Butt
Antlers in the tree tops...by Who Goosedamoose
Wrigley over the cliff...by Segum Fall
Bloody Sadle...by The Kotex Kid

Theres lots more but I dont remember em all.....

lol, nice!

Trails in the Sand by D1ck Draggin

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ironhead

Bloody Sadle...by The Kotex Kid

---

:shock:
caaaaaaarl!!! why!?!

Quote:

---

Ironhead wrote:
Bloody Sadle...by The Kotex Kid


caaaaaaarl!!! why!?!

---

Im sorry....(hanging head)! I was on a role and could'nt stop myself.

Who said MEN don't remember anniversaries.......................

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks.

The wife is thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued...

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years"

"I remember that too" she replied softly."

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."

HAHAHA. Not right. LOL.

hee heee! that's a good one. :D

ROFLMAO! :D:lol:

i have one thats not really a joke
oil change$80
all the bills$1257
haircut$12
crickets not priceless but a buck or 2
your retic kiilin u priceless

Quote:

---

i have one thats not really a joke
oil change$80
all the bills$1257
haircut$12
crickets not priceless but a buck or 2
your retic kiilin you priceless

---

Hmmmmm.......Must be one of those Non-sence Jokes. :bonk:

i don't think the term "sense" is involved there at all. :picknose:

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both go before an angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be see them every day for eternity."

The angel asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into the toilette and pulls the lever. The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What's this all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down, and she simply gargled and got in. Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

This one is horrid and a bit disterbing but the one about the cat reminded me

Whats worse than 10 babies in one trash can?............................................................................ .........................
................................................................................ ...........................
................................................................................ ...........................
................................................................................ ...........................
................................................................................ ...........................
..........................................
One baby in 10 trash cans

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs??

A: You can call him anything you want to, he still won't come to you.



Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: The same place you left him.

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

I was checking something on bash.org and since this one is reptile related I figured I'd post it.

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

on the same vain: If buttered bread always lands butter side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, then if you strap slice of buttered bread, butter side out, on the back of a cat and drop them they will spin indefinently just above the ground :P