Need to talk to someone, feeling hurt and angry over my daughter and sports.

Ok, I know this is ridiculous, but sometimes it helps to talk {type}.

So a little background first. My husband ran cross country in high school, although he wasn't bad, he never got very far. He has always tried to push our kids to do something he loved, kind of re-living his high school glory I guess, or wanting them to be the kind of athlete or whatever he never was. Which has always struck me as kind of stupid, but I pretty much ignored it since the kids were never really interested in living his life for him. Until my daughter started running. Now my daughter can run. To watch her is amazing, she is so graceful, so fluid. You can't teach someone the grace she has. And I have always encouraged her to do what she likes.

Fast forward to her starting high school, and daddy sticking his big lame nose where it did not belong. He decided that at last one of his kids was going to follow in his footsteps and be the high school hero he never was. Which kind of irked me, but after so many years of marriage I tried to just let it slide. Until she started getting hurt. I tried to get her to back off a little bit, not quit, but just ease off before it got serious. Which of course made her dad furious. He was determined she was going to have the kind of glory he always felt he should have had. So despite my best efforts to mediate between them, she ended up get hurt so badly she had to quit running at all. Which as you can imagine made me pretty mad. It was completely unnecessary for her to push herself that hard, and the xrays said she'd have the damage for life.

Fast forward a little further. It's time for track and field to start at school. Against my judgement my husband told my daughter to try out for the team. And despite a lot of pain, she made the team. Now for weeks on end I have watched her limp home after practice and ice her bad leg. I've seen her come home with bruises and nasty cuts and burns from falling. And I keep getting steadily angrier. I try and talk to her, try to get her to understand that to do this much damage to herself is not necessary, nor is it smart. About the time I get her to listen, he dad starts in with the fastest time and breaking records and all this crap. Which by the way he never came even close to holding a record of any kind, he wasn't that good. And then she starts pushing again, and she starts getting hurt again. She's damaged both legs internally to the point where walking for even half an hour makes her limp noticeably. And the more I try and make sense, the more her dad steps all over me and tells her I don't know what I'm talking about and she could be great, she could be remembered forever as the best in her school. Which I find ludicrous to the point of insanity.

Today she had a couple of races. Big ones. I believe they were regionals? Or districts? One of those two. And guess what? With daddy there cheering her on, she keeps running even when she knows she's hurt, and comes home not even able to walk. And dad wants to know what ER to take her to. So I loose it. I am so mad I can't see straight. I demand to know why she kept running even when she knew she was hurt. I want to know why she insists on hurting herself like this for no reason. Que the blow up from hubby who accuses me of always dragging her down instead of supporting her. To which I scream something about always supporting her, but that she needs to understand that no stupid school race is worth permanent injury. Que the crying daughter who is just trying to make daddy proud of her no matter the cost, and que some more screaming from me to the effect hubby is another word for a donkey and he has no right to try and live a life he never had through our daughter. Which of course provokes more yelling from him about me being another word for a female dog and a lousy mom and I've always wanted our kids to fail at everything. At which point crying daughter screams for both of us to just shut up and it's her life and if she want's to spend it in a wheelchair as long as her name is on the record board at school then she'd spend her life in a wheelchair. At which point I tell them both they are the biggest idiots I've ever seen and far from being mommy's little girl she takes after her mule headed father and so be it I hope she likes having to wear a metal brace on her leg for the rest of her life and she can get her useless dad to take care of her because I've had enough.

Then daddy carries her out to the car and off they go to get xrays.

And I'm sitting here in my living room crying and alone and not knowing what to do. And after a little while, I do the only thing I could think of. I came here to get it off my chest. I don't really expect any replies. And if I get any, I'm sure they aren't going to be anything I want to hear. But just saying{ typing} it out loud has helped. I have no idea what I am going to do when they get home. Maybe I will just pretend to be asleep, so I don't have to listen to them anymore tonight. I'd have something to drink, but I don't drink so...

Anyway, if you bothered to read this, please don't hold it against me. I am not a pleasant person when I am mad.

Gale

Why would anyone hold it against you? I don't necessarily believe your husband is wrong, obviously his side of the story isn't here. The bruises, track rash, those things come with the territory. Whether your husband is "pushing" her or not, any runner who's trying is going to fall down and get banged up from time to time. The other injuries you describe, permanent internal ones, those don't sound like par for the course.

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're just being a mom. We don't like to see our babies in pain of any sort, regardless of the circumstances. That doesn't make you a horrible person, it just makes you the maternal psycho that we all are :)

While it sounds like your husband is trying to live vicariously through your daughter, it doesn't seem like that's why she's doing what she's doing. You didn't mention anything about her not wanting to run track or being afraid of hurting herself. It kind of sounds like they're in agreement. Honestly, if it came to my daughter actually doing long term harm to her body, I don't care if she loved what she was doing, I might not allow it anymore. I'm really not sure if I'd choose to let her pursue her passion or if I'd shut her down. Again, moms turn bat-crap-crazy when one of our kids gets a bruise! I don't envy your situation at all!

However it turns out- she sounds like a determined little bad ass and you should be very proud of her ambition, even if you're not comfortable with what she's doing with it.

I can understand why you are so upset and worried about your daughter doing permanent damage to herself.
And it is a shame for this to be happening on the eve of Mother's Day.
You have not mentioned your daughter's age. If she is still a minor it is your duty to do what you can for her best interests.
If she is still a minor and you take your concerns to the school (especially in writing) the school would likely feel compelled to have a Doctor examine her and declare whether she is fit or not to continue participating in track.
Your husband is not the World's first parent to live out their sport fantasies through their children.
Also you stated that the x ray last year showed that she can't run at all, yet she is competing.
Could it be that you are honestly fearful yet wrong?
In any case if you bring your concerns to the school and force an examination of her injury that should settle the problem one way or another.
Don't let fear of your husband and daughter's reaction stop you from doing what is right.

Gale,

First, the facts... The coach should not be allowing her to run, nor should the teams trainer. If she has permanent injuries like you described I can't imagine her being cleared to run. Does the schools athletic director know of the situation? You NEED to contact them. Anytime there was an injury the trainer was the first one called. I can't imagine all three of these people saying "oh no shes fine, let her run. Being able to walk when you're 30 is overrated anyways!" And if they are, then shame on them for not doing their job.

Secondly, my blunt opinion... Your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants to relive his glory days then tell him to take up jogging or something. Girls at that age have hormones going so haywire that of course shes going to want to please and make her daddy proud. Daddy needs to be a man and be proud of his daughter regardless of whether or not she follows in his footsteps. I'm not a father but I couldn't imagine pushing my child to that extent. Its one thing if the kid scrapes their knee and you tell them to get back on the bike. Its a whole different story if they have a gaping, gushing wound and you say "rub some dirt in it". Your husband is being downright selfish, plain and simple.

If you ever need to rant anymore, feel free to PM me. You always seem so nice, seeing you upset is no fun :(

-Mike

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

Thats a joke. I'm not sure how it works exactly but that school needs to be reported to the state or something. Thats ridiculous.

What i would do then is sit her down, just you and her. Calmly, no yelling or pressuring, explain and reiterate what the doctors have said. Treat her like an adult. If she decides on her own to keep doing it then so be it. I would talk to your husband one on one too and really explain to him your concerns. I'm not sure how, but if there's anyway to get him to tone it down too then he really needs to. When she gets married does he want to walk her down the aisle or push her down the aisle in a wheelchair? Will he carry her everywhere for the rest of her life? Does your daughter have any interest in getting her license? Forget driving if you have no use of your legs.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by angllady2

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

---

There's a difference between ignoring the pain and and ignoring permanent damage. Has her doctor released her to participate? Is it even legal for her to participate in school sports against doctor's orders?

I'm not 100% clear. Does her doctor believe she should not run? I originally thought maybe you were overreacting and assuming the damage was worse that it is. My initial thought was, "Well, the school wouldn't let her be in track if she didn't pass a physical." But it's starting to sound like she can't pass a physical for track and they're letting her do it anyway?

If that's the case, there are a lot of really selfish adults involved here!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BrandiR

If that's the case, there are a lot of really selfish adults involved here!

---

This shouldn't surprise you, brandi. Lol

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by BrandiR

However it turns out- she sounds like a determined little bad ass and you should be very proud of her ambition, even if you're not comfortable with what she's doing with it.

---

This I totally agree with. And I know as a momma that is so hard to see her hurt. I do think though, that you don't want to hold her back either. Support her and be her number one fan. I'm wondering too, if its that bad, the coaches and what not should not allow her to run. Falls and bruises are going to happen. But if its serious, that's another story. If it were me, there's no way I would have let her go to the hospital with out me. Grumpy husband or not, he could kiss my ass, an arguement is not going to keep me from my baby. Don't let that drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

Don't go to bed, and pretend you don't hear them. Stay up and make sure your daughter knows you are concerned about her and want to make sure she's ok. Give her a kiss, and tell her you love her. Because it does sound like she wants to do this for herself, not for him. So support her dreams, while protecting her health and well being, and you and hubby keep your difference of opinion on the matter between the two of you. That way she can make a decision about it without any pressure.

Tension and arguments are not fun. I would talk to doctors and coaches, then you and hubby talk. Without her around. She doesn't need to see the fighting. Come to terms, some agreements, or same ground. She needs you guys united and strong.

I hope this all works out ok for all parties. And I know sometimes just having a shoulder to vent on can make all the difference in the world. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by angllady2

Well, I feel better having you guys.

A few clarifications:

She is 16, so yes she's a minor. Second, all three of her coaches and her trainer all know about her injuries, and they all still push her. The school is one of the worst in the state for sports, and they all see her as the ticket to the big time. It disgusts me.

She wants to run, she loves it. And I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is her getting hurt like she does. She has deep muscle scarring on her left leg from cross country, and who knows what tonight's xrays will turn up? I understand bumps and bruises, heck I do that in my own kitchen. But the reason she falls so much is because of her injured leg, and everyone but me just keeps pushing her to keep going.

I just feel like the only voice of reason, and I'm getting drowned out by everyone else telling her she could be one of the best if she just ignores the pain and tries harder.

Gale

---

I read the post and it's scary how close it is to the situation I faced in high school. I was good enough at soccer that as a freshman, was offered a starting spot on the varsity squad. This was my dream at the time as I'm uber competitive and LOVE soccer. The issue was I'd pushed myself in the private league I'd played in for years and gotten to the point I had no cartilage left in either knee at the age of 14. Despite the doctors telling me I couldn't run/play, I ignored it and pushed myself to train. My mom put a stop to it with a call to the school stating I was not allowed to play. I'm pretty sure I cried and called her every name in the book. For about 4 years, I held it against her and was a sulky teenager. Now at 30, I've not had knee surgery despite the doctors telling me I shouldn't be able to walk though I do have to wear the lovely braces with hinges on them some days. Looking back, despite being angry with her, I'm glad my mom made that decision. Had I played, there is a very good chance I'd have knees that weren't my own or worse, forced to wear braces/wheelchair-bound. Because of what she did along with diligent physical therapy, I can walk and even jog on soft surfaces. With the damage your daughter's doing to herself, you need to follow your instincts despite her love of it. As a teenager, you see the love and the passion for the sport which drowns out the reality of you still have the rest of your life to live. That's where parents have to come in and though I swore she'd shattered my dream back then, my mom saved me because I'd be miserable if I couldn't move and walk around normally. Hope that gives you some support and maybe sit down with the doctor and your husband to really look at what's happening. Maybe if he hears things like she'll be in a wheelchair at the age of 20, he'll come around to reality. A parent's job is to raise and protect their child even if that means protecting them from themselves.

I'm not sure what to say here, regardless of whether or not you husband is trying to "re-live" his glory days or not, she seems to be competitive in the sport. I would probably recommend sitting her down in a proper setting and expressing your concerns directly to her. At age 16, she can likely start making informed decisions for herself. Hope she stays healthy and happy!

ASSuming that you are an otherwise tight nit family, you may just have to be the silent supporter. People have the need sometimes to just do things that are better not done or done othewise in other ways. Stubborn people do things too long, as your daughter has proven. I don't know what to say about your husband pushing her so hard, seems like a good parent would put the welfare of their child before some rush from the past, you might tell him I said so if you think it'll help.

Bear with it, be patient, be the Mom. At least she's not out tagging and he's not out drinking.

I kind of know how you feel Gale. A few years ago my oldest daughter played volleyball and my ex-husband was the coach for the team. He pushed my daughter into playing volleyball for a few years. As my daughter got older she decided that she no longer wanted to do this and my ex got all butt hurt over it. I knew my daughter was bothered by this factor but I am very proud of her for standing her ground with her father. As others have said, sit down with your daughter and calmly tell her why she should not do track anymore. You would be very surprised what the outcome may be.

My two cents: If a Medical Doctor(not trainer/school staff) says that she should not run then make it clear to her that she should stop. If the doctor says she can still run then be there to help her through her pain and support her entirely in her aspirations. Don't be one of those mothers who tries to shield their child from any discomfort whatsoever. It makes for weak people later in life. You have to accept that some people are just competitive in nature, just like your husband and daughter and that's not a bad thing. I've got a semi-jacked up knee from power lifting and football from back in high school(10 years ago now). I don't regret it at all because I had a great time doing those things. They also gave me great friends and memories. Your daughter is getting those experiences, and she will be richer for it. It's sports, no pain no gain.

Oh and Happy Mother's Day. :D

I don't have much helpful advice to offer, but I can tell you one thing. I ran pretty seriously from the time I was 14 until the time I was 21 (a non running related broken ankle forced me to take a break). I can tell you that while bumps and bruises happen, those wear and tear injuries should not. I would guess that your daughter's coaches are not doing a very good job of teaching her proper form or getting her on a proper training program. I only suggest that if she does decide to continue running (not sure if that is a good idea or not) she needs to do some research on what needs to change, since it appears that her coaches aren't going to do it for her. If she wants some advice, I would be more than happy to point you/her in the right direction.

Honestly, if doctors are saying no running, she should not be doing it. The parent pushing for a child to do something that professionals have advised not to can be considered abuse.

I want to thank all of you for your support. I wanted to reply last night, but since my husband didn't know about my venting and I didn't know if her should just yet, I waited.

Her xrays came back negative, whatever that means. Hubby says the nurse or whoever told her it was probably a broken blood vessel causing the intense pain and swelling. I did get to sit down with him last night and explain my point of view. He sure did not want to hear it, but I made him listen anyway. By the end he admitted I had some good points, and finished by saying since she only has three days of school left it doesn't matter anyway. She did not qualify to go on competing during the summer. Not exactly the answer I was hoping for, but it is a start.

I plan to encourage her to still jog and do minor workouts over the summer, to show her it isn't the running I'm against, it's the unnecessary injuries I don't like. Perhaps if she can see things from my point of view for a while, she will agree it isn't worth doing permanent damage to herself.

Thank you again for listening to me, and for your suggestions. it means a lot to me to have people I can turn to, I haven't been blessed with that much in my life.

Gale

Gale, no one is pleasant when they're angry. Its why anger is called anger. We all understand that. Ill put my .02 in if it helps. From what I gathered after reading your thread, it seems to me like your daughter is gonna do what she wants regardless of what you say. And IMO, Im with Mike on your hubby. He wants to push her no matter what. It seems like hes more concerned about his vicarious glory, rather than your daughter's body being right. If your daughter is only running and pushing herself to make her father happy, shes doing it for the WRONG reason. She should be doing it for HERSELF. Shell grow up resenting him later on if she doesn't please him. And I agree about the coaches. If she wasn't ok to run, whyd they let her???? If she was my daughter, Id say the same thing to her that my mother always said to me..."If YOU wanna do it, DO IT. I'm not gonna stop you from doing something you want to do. Its YOUR choice. And don't forget its YOUR choice. But, when your an older adult, living in pain every day or suffering the consequences because of the choice you made as a teen, then remember it was YOUR choice that put you in that condition. So, YOU have to live with YOUR choice. You cant blame anyone for your condition but you." My husband is 36, and not a day goes by that he is not in some degree of pain. And he admits that he pushed himself way too far when he was younger. And now hes paying the consequences...every day. He has some pretty bad days when hes hurting so bad he doesn't even want to get outta bed. And hes ONLY 36 right now. I often wonder what its gonna be like when hes 50+. and 60+. :(

P.S....I was a counselor for 6 yrs, so you can always let me know if you need to talk ;)

I'm not a medical professional by any means, but, you keep talking about what x rays are showing.
In my limited understanding, x rays show bone, but not soft tissue. So all an x ray would tell you is whether she has a broken bone or not.
If she had an injury, I would expect it to be related to a ligament,tendon or cartilage.
This girl is 16 years old and as such you and your husband are legally and morally responsible for her well being.
If I were in your position I would insist on an examination by an Orthopedic Surgeon. An Emergency Physician just makes a tentative diagnosis and sends you home. His diagnosis is by no means sufficient.
If your husband would not agree to such an examination, then something is really wrong with this picture and I would put the school on notice in writing that they are recklessly endangering her by allowing her to participate with a serious injury against your wishes and I assure you that they will not let her run without medical clearance in writing.
If you aren't willing to step up and act with your rightful authority as a parent than I suggest that you just stop talking about it altogether.

Hmmmm.... Yeah good luck with this one.

I was really expecting this particular individual to have no cartridge in her knee. Somthing horrific at a young age that could justify such a bold and brash reaction, not pulled or strained ligaments and tendons. If you really wanted to be heard a more tactful approach probably would have suited your situation better. I guess what's done is done though huh?! If a situation is so bad that you are having to try to ignore said individuals (who are FAMILY)
Who have an opposing opinion then You probably didn't have all your ducks in a row :/ I'm truly sorry to hear about your daughter injury but you might want to make sure that your perception of the situation is correct because it sounds to me like a minor injury. The type of stuff you get from going outside. :/

Ouch :( Really sorry to hear about this Gale!

Sounds like your daughter just really wants to be good at this, and you seem to be the enemy for trying to keep her safe. I don't think you are wrong though. She needs to understand that pushing herself like this is going to cause permanent damage to her body. She might end up living a life of chronic pain due to her injuries.

It saddens me to imagine her possible future. High school record times, trophies and medals. But she is sitting in a wheelchair or on crutches. Perhaps unable to go to college on those athletic scholarships she was awarded... Perhaps she does go to college and can't enjoy it as much as the rest of her peers because she is limited physically and in pain. You can stare at those trophies and awards all you want, but it doesn't make up for the pain she will have. That will be the biggest reminder of her "success" in high school.

High school seems really important when you are there, but once it is over you have your whole life ahead of you which is often much more exciting than anything that ever happened in high school.

She is 16 so it makes sense that she would push herself further than she normally would. It is so hard to be recognized for something you are good at in high school and it feels really good to be so much better than everyone else, even if you are in constant pain. I know she says she doesn't care if she is in a wheelchair, but she probably does care. She probably thinks about what might happen to her in the future if she keeps this up. Just let her know you still love her, record fast runner or not, she is still super talented and she will make it far in life. It would just be nice to avoid those painful surgeries, leg braces, crutches, and possibly a wheelchair..

I have no idea what you should do about your husband. He seems to not understand the permanent damage his own daughter is facing and how it might affect the rest of her life once she is out of high school and silly track records don't matter.. :(

Just wanted to put in what I think might be a good compromise for everyone: talk to your daughter and ask her to get a physical soon. If the doctors clear her for running, look up good basic training regimes and talk to other runners together with your daughter and see if you can create a beginners running program. That way if she still wants to try out or be on the track team when school starts, she's got the basics, she's been training and will hopefully pinpoint that perhaps the coaches or someone else is not exactly telling her the proper way to do things. This way, your daughter can keep doing what she loves and feels supported, your husband will still have his "dream" (yet hopefully your daughter knows SHE calls the shots, not him), and you will feel a lot better that she's not just going out there and hurting herself needlessly.

When us girls are her age, we know everything and think we're adults. :P Just going mom-mode on her (even if it's honestly for her own good) will just cause everyone to dig their heels in and butt heads. Talking everything out with everyone present, with the condition that EVERYONE gets heard/no fighting, will help you all come to a conclusion. Remind your daughter though that while it IS her decision to be in a sport or if she wants to KEEP doing sports, does she really want to go to prom in leg braces or a wheelchair? Or when she turns 21 and has her first night at the bar? Or if she wants to go to a party? Or even for the rest of her life? Encourage her to do the things she loves, but know her limits and when to take a break. :)

This girl doesn't need a physical. She needs the injury that already exists examined by a specialist.

The injury could go unnoticed in a physical (if the patient wanted to conceal it) and a General Practitioner that did discover it would refer her to an Orthopedic Surgeon because the Doctor giving a physical would not have the proper equipment or knowledge to make a diagnosis.

It has not been established whether the OP's concerns are well founded or not.

A proper examination has not been made of the injury to determine just what the injury is. So far there is a nurses unqualified speculation about what is wrong and documented certainty that no broken bones are involved.

Nobody even knows what injury that the girl has.


If it was my child nobody could stop me from having a proper diagnosis made.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by dsirkle

This girl doesn't need a physical. She needs the injury that already exists examined by a specialist.

The injury could go unnoticed in a physical (if the patient wanted to conceal it) and a General Practitioner that did discover it would refer her to an Orthopedic Surgeon because the Doctor giving a physical would not have the proper equipment or knowledge to make a diagnosis.

It has not been established whether the OP's concerns are well founded or not.

A proper examination has not been made of the injury to determine just what the injury is. So far there is a nurses unqualified speculation about what is wrong and documented certainty that no broken bones are involved.

Nobody even knows what injury that the girl has.


If it was my child nobody could stop me from having a proper diagnosis made.

---

X2. Speculation is going to be met with resistance. Get a definitive diagnosis and that could give weight to your argument if the injury is as bad as you suspect.

That's what I meant by a physical. I just didn't know the correct term I guess. Basically I meant "get your daughter examined to figure out if she's injured/what her injuries are".

xFenrir, it looks like you have killed this thread.

Just doing my job, it seems.

An MRI. That is what she needs. You really have no idea is there is permanent damage or not without one.

Just get her in to a sports medicine clinic and they will run an MRI and tell you what the real damage is.

As a side note, I have a bum knee and a surgically repaired eye from my days in Kung Fu. While my visions recovered my knee makes an aweful creaking sound and hurts when a big storm comes in. But I don't regret doing it. The lessons I learned there will stick with me for life.