What's wrong with me?

I guess I just need a place to vent to people who don't know me. It's a long story, and I don't even care if I don't get any replies, but I just need to let some steam off.

I'm currently a senior in high school, and I live in Alaska. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but whatever. Last year, before my 17th birthday, my cat died. He was everything to me, and I thought losing him would be the hardest storm of the year. Unfortunately, I was wrong. A month later, my dad deployed on a 7 month tour. Barely two months into his deployment, his marriage with my mom began to falter. Soon enough, in about another month and a half, mom and I find out that dad was having an affair. My mom falls into a deep depression, stops eating, and basically starts self-harming in unconventional ways (mostly through self-starvation and over-exercise.) For the next three to four months of the deployment, I had to take care of my mom and basically become a counselor for her. I was still only 17. Soon enough, my grades start slipping. I began lashing out at teachers. I started 'running away' from home. I would just get in the car and drive for hours, waiting until late at night or early in the morning to come home, just so I could avoid having to deal with mom in her state. I know, it's awful, and I should have been there for her as much as I could, but I just couldn't. Kids shouldn't have to be there for their parents like that. Moms are supposed to be the heroes, not the kids.
I told no one what was happening, save for one person. I would often go to his house just to get away. Even though it was nice to let one person know, it didn't take away from the pain of it all. My grades started slipping even more, and I basically gave up on school in general. I hardly tried, I just didn't have it in me. I took care of my animals, and that was it. Fast-forward to summer, and dad gets back. I have to act as a conduit between him and mom, because he wouldn't talk to her. When they finally did start talking, I would just leave the house. I would be home just long enough to turn on/off any heating equipment or lights for the lizards, and then I would leave. Mom hit absolute rock-bottom, and began having to go to the hospital for anxiety. She finally decided she couldn't stay in the state, so she packed up her bags and moved to Montana to live with her dad. I was relieved, but only for a few days.
School starts up again, and I'm a senior. Right off the bat, I can't stay focused or motivated during school, or after school. It didn't take long for my grades to start slipping. I eventually got to the point where I just wouldn't show up to school. Only two teachers noticed, but only one asked if everything was alright. I lied, because I felt that it wasn't a burden others needed to carry. Soon, my counselor noticed, but she wasn't any help.
It's almost the end of the semester, and my AP Lit teacher doesn't want me to fail, so she holds a conference with my dad and I. While dad is there, I didn't say much, I just agreed to whatever my teacher said I could do to make up points. Once he leaves, I just lose all composure. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I just pour my heart out to my teacher, and tell her everything that's happened in the past year. I confessed to her that I felt I would be better off dead. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes, I still feel that way.
I manage to get my grades up just before the semester end, and I was so relieved when winter break arrived. Mom came up for Christmas, and it was good to be with her again, but still so difficult. The rest of winter break was actually really great, I felt like things were finally looking up; I had a boyfriend and generally felt happy for the first time in a while. He doesn't know much of what's happened, and I likely won't tell him for a while. I feel it's not something he needs to worry about. Regardless, I feel like my last semester is going to be great, I'm going to study often and finish strong.
I don't think that's going to happen now. It's almost the end of the 3rd quarter, and I'm failing one class and have a D and two Cs in my other classes. I just now signed up to take my SAT/ACT, and I'm so far behind. I don't understand what's going on in my government class, I feel like I'm barely above the surface. My whole life is in shambles, and I'm just trapped in this dark hole of depression that I'm too afraid to admit to. It's easy to type out to strangers, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone this in person. I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone around me, and I'm just a f*** up. My relationship with my boyfriend is great, but aside from that, I feel like a failure who's never going to be as great as her brother, who's never going to make it to college, and who's never going to amount to anything. I just want to be a kid again.

This isn't even the full story, I'm leaving out so many details. Like the fact that my dad asked me to console my mother when she tried to kill herself. She literally had the gun in her hand. I don't know if anyone here knows the feeling you get when you realise that you're not enough to keep your own mom from taking her life, but I would never wish it on anyone.

I'm not the strong person everyone thinks I am. A few people know bits and pieces, but I wish they just knew how tired I am. I can't keep my head above the water anymore, I just can't do it. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen, of where I'm going to end up. It's like being trapped in a room with no doors or windows. I feel like there's no way out.

Sorry for the wall of text, but I just needed to let it out.

Oh my gosh. You are me 15 years ago. I went through the EXACT same thing. I almost didn't graduate. I woke up every morning and came home from school every day afraid that I'd find my mom dead from suicide. They fought SO terribly. My dad cheated on her too, with a co-worker. My dad was an officer in the Army, we were stationed at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. I was about to go to sleep, and something told me to pop on just one more time.


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I'm sorry for all that has been going on. I can relate. My parents divorced and my mom moved to a different state. My parents had a much cleaner break than your did from the sound of it, but I know how hard these things can be.

I'm a recent high school grad (class of 2011) I can tell you that senior year can be a very stressful time even for students without all of this other stuff going on. The good news is that things do get better. Have you looked into community college options? Generally They are very easy to get into and some even have programs that will transfer you to a 4 year school with a guaranteed spot as long as you pass your classes. This is great for students that didn't do so well in highschool as your highschool transcript doesn't come into play when transferring to the 4 year school. Plus it costs a lot less.

The best part about hitting rock bottom is that things can only get better. Just give it time. College, no college you will figure things out.

Wait, I have to say more. Please don't give up, and don't worry. You will look back on this and though it'll be a terrible part of your life, it will eventually hurt less and things WILL be okay. It took me years to work through the anger, resentment, wall I built, and hurt. But it happened. One day, it was better. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wanted to give up on EVERYTHING - after all, my parents 'obviously' didn't care, why should I? I look back now, and I truly wish things had gone better. I wish I could have overcome their bickering and my situation and just done better.... for me. It's sad, that oftentimes when people are unhappy and they fight, they forget who their audience is.


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Wow. I'm really sorry this is all happening to you. No one should ever go through that.
I am glad things are turning around for you with school.
If you need anyone to talk to or vent, we'll listen.
Just don't give up ever. And don't be afraid to ask for help. You won't be a burden.
Things are tough now. But you and your mum can overcome this. You both deserve better.

Quote:

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“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”

~Confucius~

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I don't think anything's wrong with you. In fact, I think you're taking all this way better than most anyone I know if they were in your situation. I don't want to say "I know how you feel" because I've never experienced this situation specifically, but I know what it feels like to feel trapped and to feel like your life is just falling apart at the seams. For the longest time I tried to deal with it alone because I thought I had to, that no one could understand or even want to listen to me. But I have a friend now that I tell everything to. We have no secrets from each other, and it feels SO good to know I have someone to turn to whenever I need to talk about anything. I wholeheartedly urge you to find someone like that in your life, someone you can tell EVERYTHING to. It only needs to be one person, but you'll feel a lot better and you'll feel like you have a lifeline to grab on to when it feels like you're drowning. You've got us, the BP.net community as well! The members on here are just THE best people I've ever met on the internet. We'll listen whenever you need to vent, need support, or need advice!

Nobody's strong enough to do it alone. We all need someone there for us. Even if you don't feel like you can tell anyone right now, I'm sure you can ask your boyfriend for some extra love and attention when you're feeling alone. I'm sure that even if you can't tell him all the details, sometimes just being held by the person you care about makes you feel less alone and sad.


I know you can make it through though. You're stronger than you know.

keep your head up, its always darkest before the dawn.

Speaking from experience, I know that the kind of stress you've gone through can get your brain chemistry seriously out of whack. Seeing a psychiatrist carries a negative stigma, but it should not. This is the doctor that specializes in brain chemistry. There are new drugs on the market that can get you out of depression almost immediately. There's no reason to suffer for months or years by yourself to regain your balance. And if you do see someone, don't hide how bad it's gotten or you may not get the help you need.

It sounds like your dad's not aware of how hard things have been on you. You need to talk to your dad and let him know what's going on. Get him to help you. Let the medical community help you. That's what it's there for. Depression can be very serious and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to everyone sooner or later. Just don't let the depression win. Understand that you have a chemical imbalance and get help before something terrible happens.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. Like I said, I'm speaking from experience. I just hate to hear of a young person at the beginning of life risking everything when there's help available. Don't be so tough. Feel what you feel.... Ok, getting off the soapbox for sure now. Good luck... And take care!

Not the exact situation, but I have had my share of similarly intense life situations. You're going to come out stronger and more aware of yourself than the people around you and it's going to lead you to success in life.

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/up...-your-life.jpg

After reading everything, what I have learned about you is that you are strong, have commitment to family, have a big heart, and that you are human. You are so far from F'd up, or a failure. You put effort into life rather than running away completely which takes strength; more than most people know, and more than you give yourself credit for.

If you have survived these trials so far, I have no doubt that your resiliance will continue, and you will only become a stronger, more compassionate, understanding, and successful human being as time goes on.

What you are going through is full of incredibly difficult lessons, and regardless of how you believe you have performed, I would expect most others to falter or choose much worse paths and outcomes.

You are doing an incredible job given the circumstances, don't sell yourself short.

My only advice is to not burden yourself so much. No one is an island unto themselves. I don't have your exact experience but understand overwhelming pressure and burden all too well.

If this boyfriend is all he's cracked up to be, then you should tell him and allow him to be your rock and you can be his.

Telling strangers is a good firs step but nothing will really change without a good personal support system.

Not sure if you're religious at all but reaching out to God can work wonders if you're open to it.

Good luck and God bless.

Again completely different experience but now at 43 I can say it gets better. You are a just at that hard to class age not yet a adult but still not child. It is very sad and distressing that you have the forced to be an adult early. Many people can not deal with the stress you have been placed under you don't need to look far to see the truth in this. You should seek help there is no harm or shame there. You have been passed a heavy burden sooner than you should have been asking someone to help take some of that is completely understandable.

You don't know me I am just a faceless forum post and for my part regret that you seem like a a person worth knowing. You have demonstrated that you are an adult, capable and strong. Stand proud, you don't need to apologize, you have picked up a massive burden and are managing. No one can ask more. Ask for help when you need it, there is nothing to be ashamed of. High school in the grand scheme is not critical you can take a term off and just finish next year if it comes to that.

It's time to unplug from that situation. Your mom is suicidal? Tell someone, now,
tell her she needs help. Tell her you can't save her alone. You are the only one in control of you
and you have the ability to change your life only. It might be a wise idea to show this post to everyone,
Its how you feel right? It's what your thinking... CCommunication is the key to everything.
Its probabally why their marriage is failing. It's why your relationships are strained and it's why you
are where you are in school. Communicate your thoughts and feelings, good or bad, alwAys.
You all would do well with someone to talk to about everything especially your mom. You alone cannot help them, and that truth sucks. You can only communicate your feelings and thoughts
and it's up to them to find their way. Be strong, save yourself from that situation and hope they ccome along with you. Just be ready and able to accept that they may not. In either case YOU will be okay.

No one made a greater mistake than he who did nothing, because he could only do a little.
-Edmund Burke

Same here. My parents split up going into my senior year. I was supposed to grad in 89 but it ended up being in 90. My car caught on fire and my gf broke up w me. My parents were not supportive ever but were to my baby bro. I was pretty depressed till about 22. No meds.
These times will pass. Even now at 42 and a parent of 6 kids no matter how bad things get I think at least I'm not 18 anymore.
Dump any ideas of blaming your parents for your life. It will hold you down. Stand on your own feet and make all the outcomes in your life from your actions. You are the center of your universe. Never let anyone complete you you have to be complete in yourself. Then you can live and love.
All things pass. At 42 I don't even the remember the 21 year old. I couldn't relate to him.
If you didn't like your parents actions don't repeat them.

Quote from a movie I like. Ballad of jack and rose. I think.
"If you don't like your life change it. If you can't change it leave it."

hope some of this helps. I know irs kind of jumbled. And cheer up. Your not responsible for your parents actions. Your responable for you. Move to a state with more sun and better climate. Can't be helping happiness.

I have been suffering from depression since I was in middle school, had my first manic episode when I was 29 (I'm 46 now), andI am a recovering alcoholic. I can give you some insight on your mom and how to deal with her. First, Love your mom and tell her you're there for her but don't feel responsible for her or let her use you for a crutch. You can't make a person get help and you alone can't help a person that needs professional help. As has been said getting help doesn't make one weak or a bad person and as stated there is help out there, medicine, counseling, support groups, etc. With help people can get better. I have. So there's hope for her. Just know that if she doesn't get help it's not on you and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Even if the worst happens the same holds true. I suggest you look into support groups for families of the mentally ill. NAMI has support groups for mentally ill people and their families. If they have this in Alaska check them out. Please talk to someone and I hope things get better!

Wow, what terrific advice people have offered you...and from a Python forum! It can be so hard to see through the fog when in the midst of storms like you are experiencing. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, we often have no control over those around us. Sharing what you are going through with someone else will not burden them, but it can feel like a great relief. Kind of like when you typed to us strangers, only better. You have others on your team, use them. You sound bright and I have no doubt your future will be too.

Thank you all for your support, it made me feel a bit better to read that there are other people who can relate, or just sympathize. Not that I'm asking for sympathy, but just seeing empathy from complete strangers is very uplifting to me.

I should start out by saying that yes, my mom received medical attention. I personally drove her to the ER several times during her panic attacks, and after she moved, she was hospitalized for a few days and soon after put on 24/hr watch for about a month. She also received therapy for a few months (I'm not sure if she's still seeing a therapist, but she is doing much better.) I've told my dad a few times how I felt about the situation, but he honestly didn't help much. He would mostly just apologize, but it never made anything better. But I don't blame either of my parents. For a while, I harbored some ill-feelings towards my dad, because the way he went about everything was just wrong. I understand that people fall in and out of love, that's just life, but his method of waiting to deploy again (he signed up for another tour, when he told us he was chosen to go) to drop the news was just poor tact. Nowadays, I'm just upset at the fact that he doesn't really listen anymore, because his mind is elsewhere (mainly with the woman he left my mom for. I have no disposition for the woman my dad married, I know she wasn't the cause of everything, but rather just a factor.) I did see a therapist a few times, but it really wasn't for me. It was difficult to convey how I actually felt, despite having full confidentiality. The only thing that helps is getting out of the house and taking care of my animals, so that's what I usually do.
As far as high school goes, I'm just so stressed because I feel like I'm doing everything too late. Shortly after I submitted my post, I expressed some of my concern to my boyfriend, who was very reassuring. He told me that the college I'm going to get into (the same college he attends, Uni. of Anchorage Alaska) doesn't really care much for SAT/ACT scores or when they get them, so that was kind of a relief to hear. I'd still like to do well on my exams, and finish high school strong, but sometimes it just gets hard to breathe.
Right now, I'm just trying to take things one step at a time, but my dad doesn't make that easy. I'm in the process of trying to find a place to live with my mom, as she's moving back up here this summer, and my dad is moving out of state. Because of this, my dad is constantly asking me what I'm going to do/where I'm going to go, when my mom gets up here, and just all this information that I can't possibly know right now. I've tried to tell him that I can't think that far in the future (and by that I mean I don't want to think that far ahead right now,) but he just doesn't seem to understand that.

I'm just trying to hold on until summer comes, then I'll finally be able to rest and get a clean slate.

Thanks again to everyone who read and commented, it really means a lot. This is honestly the best community the internet has to offer, you guys are the best, thank you all so much. c:

I've been through a lot of what your mom has, and still am, just in an earlier stage of my life and with a bit of different triggers. The support means something, even if we don't express that it does.

Listen, there's nothing bad about going back to high school for a semester to get some of your marks up, or just taking a year off before University as a breather. That's what I did, and I haven't regretted it. We used to have Grade 13 (OAC) here in Ontario for a reason! They just cut it out because they couldn't afford to put every kid through another year of high school, so they started hipping kids off 1 year earlier.

You may benefit greatly from a year off (even financially - you can get a job in the mean time!). Think about it.