Not sure what to do...

I'm really at a loss. About 3 weeks ago my sister moved with me back to WI. Since then she has become depressed. I have tried everything to make her feel welcome, but nothing seems to be working. Tonight as we were leaving dinner at my friend's house she dropped the bomb on me that she wanted to go home to NH. I'm just getting back on my feet after being out of work for a month. I don't have the money to send her home and honestly I think she should get a job and pay for her trip back. I don't think that is going to work out though because she's depressed that she doesn't have a job but is making zero effort to find one. She stays up all night and sleeps all day. I get that she's lonely and she's too shy to venture out on her own. If she didn't sleep all day and actually helped out around the apartment I would have more time to spend with her when I get home from work, but it doesn't seem like that is ever going to happen.

I really just don't know what to do. I don't want to pay to move her back after I just paid to move her here, but at the same time she's clearly not happy here and I don't want to force her to be here. I honestly didn't want to move back to Madison, WI. Yeah I have some great friends here but all of my family lives in NH or MA. When I got the job offer for my current job I told them I needed sometime to think about it, right after I hung up the phone my sister said she would be happy to move back with me. That was a what made the decision easier and I accepted the job. I wasn't expecting things to be perfect, but I think she was. I think she was expecting things to be magically different out here, which obviously wasn't going to happen.

I don't know if I should send her back (which would cost a good sum of money since she doesn't drive), make her tough it out, just ignore the fact that she said anything, or something else. :(

i understand where you are coming from because i have been in the same situation as her before and i know how it feels when you move and are jobless. but having a talk with her about how you feel would be good and what she can do to change the situation, i know maybe it would sound mean but sometimes you just have to get things off your chest even if they sound mean your doing it for her good.

That sounds like a tough situation, sorry to read all that and that you have that going on. If it were me, I'd sit her down and lay it out for her: "It's called life: here's what this costs, here's what adults do to earn money (a job) and here's what you can do when you have a job and subsequently, money." I wouldn't be that blunt, necessarily, but that's extremely frustrating when a sibling or friend either one refuses to take responsibility for themselves and then it leaves you in a lurch or you feel as though you have to pick up after their messes. That sucks that she's depressed; been there and done that. Hiding from the world and whatever it is that's causing her to feel that way isn't going to solve anything or make the situation better, as I'm sure you well know. Medication and/or talking can be great, if it comes to that but the first thing is taking the initiative to find a solution to the issue(s), which is up to her to do. Be honest with her; tell her what your expenses are and what you can and can't do to help her and lay it out for her, then let her make up her own mind as to what she wants to do and how she's going to make it happen if you can't/aren't willing to pay her way or elect not to. Is she an adult (legally speaking) or a juvenile? Either way, honesty is always the best policy. You can clear the air with her, let her know how you feel and what you're thinking and then she can have an opportunity to tell you where she's coming from as well, if she chooses to. Good luck and I hope things straighten out for you; hang in there!

I think the best thing you can do is be honest. You don't have the resources to get her back. That's basic financials and I'm sure she'll understand. Just make the case to her that if she really wants to go back, she needs to finance it herself. Then explain that, who knows, maybe the income and social aspects will swing her the other way and everything will be better. I think she just needs...a push in the right direction! That's the way I would put it.


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I would NOT ignore the situation, as it sounds like she is in a funk and needs to get out. Telling you about wanting to go home may have been her way of reaching out to someone, whether consciously or otherwise. Also, is she an adult or a juvenile? I would simply tell her that you are fine with her leaving, but until she does she needs to start helping you out with household chores. Furthermore, if she want to go home she has got to figure out how to get there on her own, as you are not going to foot the bill because she made the "mistake" of moving to WI. Was she running from something back in NH? Maybe whatever it was is eating at her now and she is wishing that she had just dealt with it. The next thing that I would do is give her the support and encouragement that is necessary to get her onto a normal sleep schedule and get her hanging out outside of the house. Humans are very social animals - we evolved that way as a way to protect ourselves from predators on the African plains. As a result we evolved emotions, which are what help us feel connected to others, and these connections are necessary for us to maintain a healthy mental state. Sounds like you may have a bit of work on your hands but nothing that cannot be figured out within your household (i.e. without the help of a mental health professional).

Thanks everyone. I will sit down and have a talk with her tonight. I didn't want to talk with her last night because honestly I was aggravated and I don't think that would have been good. I'm also afraid that I will make her more depressed by telling her how I feel. :(

She is 18 but I guess she wasn't ready to leave the nest. I don't think she was running from anything, but before we left she used to complain about her job and how she flet stuck. Now that she doesn't have a job she wishes she had her old one back.

I have tried dragging her out of the house but she's so uncomfortable in social situations she doesn't like leaving the house. Most of the things I have taken her to are reptile related so maybe I'm just overloading her, she likes reptiles but she's not a nut like me.

The best thing about the situation was that I wasn't expecting her to pay half the rent. I can cover all the expense and still have money left over to maintain my reptile collection.

If shes 18 and has finished highschool then i feel like its not your problem. She chose to move out here with you, she should have thought about it harder i guess. Ask her why she was so gung-ho to move out to WI in the first place? Is there something that hasnt hapoened since you got there that she was expecting to happen...? I know shes your sister but screw the whole "being lazy, sleeping all day, and not doing anything" attitude. You need to give her a kick in the butt and make her start sleeping at the normal hours and start looking for a job. Or at the very least help out around the house. Shes 18 and youre not her mother, she should be doing something to help out. If she doesnt want to get a job to pay for a flight back to NH then tell her she has to help out around the house for awhile until you can afford to fly her back.

I apologize if i come off as harsh but i have a pretty harsh and negative opinion of lazy people...

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

If shes 18 and has finished highschool then i feel like its not your problem. She chose to move out here with you, she should have thought about it harder i guess. Ask her why she was so gung-ho to move out to WI in the first place? Is there something that hasnt hapoened since you got there that she was expecting to happen...? I know shes your sister but screw the whole "being lazy, sleeping all day, and not doing anything" attitude. You need to give her a kick in the butt and make her start sleeping at the normal hours and start looking for a job. Or at the very least help out around the house. Shes 18 and youre not her mother, she should be doing something to help out. If she doesnt want to get a job to pay for a flight back to NH then tell her she has to help out around the house for awhile until you can afford to fly her back.

I apologize if i come off as harsh but i have a pretty harsh and negative opinion of lazy people...

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In all honesty, if she is ACTUALLY depressed, then these aren't symptoms of "being lazy". They are symptoms of, you guessed it, DEPRESSION.
Personally speaking, if you're in a bout of more intense, deep depression, it is very difficult to drag yourself out of bed, especially if you have no job and have no school. Very difficult.

However, I can't tell from the OP if the girl is actually depressed or if she is using the term "I'm depressed" loosely.

I would tell her to give it a chance. You don't have the money to send her back so give it more time and if it doesn't work out, THEN you can start having a conversation about sending her back.

It's wise to wait a day...or two...before addressing the situation with her. Make sure you think things through as completely as you can, and are able to approach it with as little emotional influence as possible. As you say, talking to her about it while in the moment of initial irritation would not have been a productive thing to do.

Here's what I would do in your situation...given the limited facts we have to go on...

I'd sit her down for a long, frank discussion about what's going on and how it might be dealt with. First of all...time it thoughtfully. Maybe after dinner, and after the dishes have been done and everyone is relaxed and comfortable, or whatever is the most comfortable time in your home. Make sure you have time for a long discussion so you don't have to cut it short to rush out the door or fight off late-night sleepies.

Be frank and honest about how you feel, and let her know that you see her as an adult who is responsible for her own life choices now. Not in a way that says, "You did this to yourself because you made a stupid choice" but in a way that says, "You chose this path. If you want to change it, let's figure out how to make that happen so YOU can change it."

Talk about what she really wants...try to get her to define it. Does she really want to move back home? Why? Maybe exploring the "why" will reveal things neither of you realized, and open up new directions to consider. Or maybe you'll both realize she has legitimate and solid reasons for wanting to go back to NH. There's no right or wrong in any of that...just lots to explore.

Once she knows for sure what she wants, talk about HOW to get there. Set up a path of stepping stones that she can take to reach her goal. Having a clear goal and a clear path toward reaching that goal is a VERY effective way of snapping many people out of a simple depression or funk.

Anyhow...I use the word "you" a lot in there, but that's what "I" would do in your shoes. We've gone through something similar very recently with my 19 year old daughter who recently moved back home. She's doing much better now.

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Originally Posted by CatandDiallo

In all honesty, if she is ACTUALLY depressed, then these aren't symptoms of "being lazy". They are symptoms of, you guessed it, DEPRESSION.
Personally speaking, if you're in a bout of more intense, deep depression, it is very difficult to drag yourself out of bed, especially if you have no job and have no school. Very difficult.

However, I can't tell from the OP if the girl is actually depressed or if she is using the term "I'm depressed" loosely.

I would tell her to give it a chance. You don't have the money to send her back so give it more time and if it doesn't work out, THEN you can start having a conversation about sending her back.

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I guess youre right, that is possible. I dont understand depression so i wouldnt be able to recognize the signs.

I was thinking the same thing about your comments Mike. I almost posted a response in regards to your but didn't have the time to do so. If you nor anyone close to you have had to deal with legitimate depression then you are a lucky man. I've never been depressed myself but have had severe issues with my in-laws.

To the OP - My father grew up in NH and my mother grew up in WI. Why in the heck would your sister want to leave NH for WI in the first place? :P WI smells like cow poop and NH is AWESOME! You have so much so close in NH, from Boston to Old Orchard Beach to the "mountains" up your way, going fishing for trout up north and catching stripers in the ocean, heading up to Maine to dig your own steamers, Nor' Easters, The RED SOX, moose hunting, bear hunting, deer hunting, snowboarding up in VT, BOSTON, moose hunting, trout fishing, catching salamanders out in the woods, the Celtics, the RED SOX!, and the list goes on and on. Well, at least that is what NH is to me, anyway. :D Sorry if I got a little carried away there, but if it were me I'd be dying to get back to NH myself.

Cant forget the pats or the bruins! Also log cabins/houses are awesome! The only bad things cold weather of course :(

No a few people in my family have depression issues, i just dont understand it. I have an abnormal mindset i guess lol.

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

Cant forget the pats or the bruins! Also log cabins/houses are awesome! The only bad things cold weather of course :(

No a few people in my family have depression issues, i just dont understand it. I have an abnormal mindset i guess lol.

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Too bad there's a NHL lockout right now... I miss my Bruins.

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Bruins, yes, but not a Pats fan. Broncos all the way here baby! I don't get depressin myself and in my opinion is a weakness. I've taken a friend to a mental health facility once after he "tried" to kill himself a few times, but I lost a lot of respect for him afterwards. I know that serious depression is a medical issue, but most depression that I have seen is just people feeling sorry for themselves.

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Originally Posted by gsarchie

Bruins, yes, but not a Pats fan. Broncos all the way here baby! I don't get depressin myself and in my opinion is a weakness. I've taken a friend to a mental health facility once after he "tried" to kill himself a few times, but I lost a lot of respect for him afterwards. I know that serious depression is a medical issue, but most depression that I have seen is just people feeling sorry for themselves.

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Bolded part made me rage for a bit. If you don't get depression, then how on earth do you know that people are "just feeling sorry for themselves"? Depression is an avalanche of sorts. A negative thing happens, and it spirals down from there, usually because the person is talking down to themselves. It's very hard to stop these thoughts and even harder to pull oneself out of it. It also makes me angry that you consider it a weakness. It's a chemical imbalance that in most cases, people are born with. Is diabetes now considered a weakness, as well? This kind of attitude is why most people are hesitant about getting the help they need: they're afraid of being judged, told they need to pull their pants up, or any other myriad of things.

Maybe I should have been more specific. Legitimate depression, the kind caused by hormonal imbalances in the body, is not a weakness, it is a medical condition. I have seen some people with this type of depression and it is a serious issue. One of my best friends and his wife have both worked in mental institutions where they have dealt with people suffering from severe depression and I've learned more from them about the condition than any other single source. What I have no sympathy for are people that have a negative experience and then beat themselves up to the point where they cause themselves to become clinically depressed. I've gone through some exceptionally tough things in my life but I've never sat around and beat myself up about it to the point where I needed medication or counseling or considered taking my own life. People that do that, in my opinion, show a weakness of character, not a problem with a hormonal imbalance. I've said my piece and will read any response but am done hijacking this thread.

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Originally Posted by gsarchie

Maybe I should have been more specific. Legitimate depression, the kind caused by hormonal imbalances in the body, is not a weakness, it is a medical condition. I have seen some people with this type of depression and it is a serious issue. One of my best friends and his wife have both worked in mental institutions where they have dealt with people suffering from severe depression and I've learned more from them about the condition than any other single source. What I have no sympathy for are people that have a negative experience and then beat themselves up to the point where they cause themselves to become clinically depressed. I've gone through some exceptionally tough things in my life but I've never sat around and beat myself up about it to the point where I needed medication or counseling or considered taking my own life. People that do that, in my opinion, show a weakness of character, not a problem with a hormonal imbalance. I've said my piece and will read any response but am done hijacking this thread.

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Then I have no respect for you.

I have clinical depression, and was diagnosed at five. If something negative does happen, I do beat myself up over it and get depressed.

But hey, I guess not everyone can be as mentally perfect as you. We're just, as you put so eloquently, "weak".

I agree with the weakness comment. But, I agree in a different way. I feel that there are two types of depression. The "depression" after getting a bad grade, performing poorly at work, or the loss of a superficial relationship or other arbitrary association. Then there is the clinical depression, the "real deal" of you will; this really is a serious problem and does need physical work, therapy, and sometimes medication to just survive under. I don't see it possible for people to work themselves into this state, I think they suffer from the superficial depression that "occurs" when things dot swing their way 90% of the time. Whenever someone who says their depressed, I have a tendency to look down on them; how dare they tread on a serious problem, detract from the seriousness of the problem, by calling the mood swing they're in depression? Besides, most people who have the "real deal" usually admit to it in a "I have been/was/currently suffer from clinical depression."

So what I'm getting at, is that what the other poster means is that he doesn't believe people can work themselves into the chemical imbalance that is depression. I mean, no one just suddenly comes out of schizophrenia (one person ever has, pretty rare stuff), so I reason the same case can be made for clinical depression. Again, I see the superficial depression, the "case of the mondays" crap, is weakness. People can't just take a hit and not throw a pity party royally upset me when they don't have the chemical imbalance. Tomorrow will be kinder, as long as you make it so.


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Originally Posted by Raptor

Then I have no respect for you.

I have clinical depression, and was diagnosed at five. If something negative does happen, I do beat myself up over it and get depressed.

But hey, I guess not everyone can be as mentally perfect as you. We're just, as you put so eloquently, "weak".

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I wasnt trying to make the point that i think im better than you or that people with depression are weak, i was trying to make the point that i dont understand what the difference would be between you and i were something to happen to us. I dont understand it. Why if something bad happens to us do we react differently? What is your definition of something negative? Beause i feel like i encounter negative things allthe time. Could i beat myself up and get depressed about stuff? Well sure, i could, but i guess i just dont for whatever reason. Once again, im not trying to say im better than you bc of that, i just wanna know what would cause that? The hormonal imbalance someone mentioned or something else...?

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Originally Posted by Raptor

Then I have no respect for you.

I have clinical depression, and was diagnosed at five. If something negative does happen, I do beat myself up over it and get depressed.

But hey, I guess not everyone can be as mentally perfect as you. We're just, as you put so eloquently, "weak".

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Don't worry, because as a mentally perfect person, I won't beat myself about you not respecting me. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by Mike41793

I wasnt trying to make the point that i think im better than you or that people with depression are weak, i was trying to make the point that i dont understand what the difference would be between you and i were something to happen to us. I dont understand it. Why if something bad happens to us do we react differently? What is your definition of something negative? Beause i feel like i encounter negative things allthe time. Could i beat myself up and get depressed about stuff? Well sure, i could, but i guess i just dont for whatever reason. Once again, im not trying to say im better than you bc of that, i just wanna know what would cause that? The hormonal imbalance someone mentioned or something else...?

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Depression is defined by three P's- Personal (this situation is all my fault, and I deserve this), Permanent (this pain will never go away), and Pervasive (everyone else thinks I'm a bad person too; the pain will follow me wherever I go).
Depression can be caused by different factors. It can be genetic or "learned" (you can be in a situation where you develop the imbalance). It's also highly co-morbid with physical pain and other disorders.
"Getting depressed" isn't a normal response to adverse situations we encounter in our daily lives. It seems like it could be easy to fall into, because those that are chemically predisposed might have a smaller trigger than those with healthy coping mechanisms.
Likewise, and not to minimize the pain of those suffering from depression, it can be frustrating to understand why people can't just "get better".
For a metaphor, if you were sick with the flu you couldn't go play basketball with your friends. You want to, but your body just isn't up to it. And on top of that, you can't be sure the flu will ever go away, and you're worried that your friends won't call anymore because you're such a drag while you're sick. And you still feel awful from the flu symptoms. Why bother drink a ton of fluids? You know it isn't going to help.
Simply put, depression is as real as cancer, schizophrenia, etc. It's just harder to see with the naked eye, so people can't relate like they could if you had a cast on your arm. The chemical imbalance in the brain causes it to be ill-equipped to deal with adverse situations.
Another example is addiction. It's hard to understand why people can't just stop drinking. They look normal. Why is their life falling apart? Again, due to chemicals, what is simple to us seems impossible to them. It's like asking someone not to eat for the rest of their lives. (The signals you get when hungry- pain, weakness, irritability- they are distress signals similar to the ones the brain puts out as someone goes through withdrawal.)
In terms of healthy people using "depression" as a synonym for "sad"; I believe that is detrimental. It lightens the severity of the condition, because we always hear people saying "I had a bad day. I'm so depressed" and then they are fine the next day. It makes it harder for those that are depressed to talk about it because people expect them to "cheer up" like a healthy person would be able to do. Yes, there are drama queens out there, but depression doesn't just disappear the next sunny day. Good things can happen to depressed people, but they aren't cured by them.
Depression can be managed through medication and/or cognitive behavioral therapy. A big obstacle is getting the energy to seek treatment in the first place. Again, what seems simple to us is monumental to someone that is suffering. Is it a weakness? Well, is a broken leg a weakness? Is cancer? Sure, I suppose so. But it has nothing to do with a person's morals, character, or integrity. It's not their fault, or a personality flaw- it's a disease.

Sorry for the wall of text! This is one of the few chances I have to actually apply my psych degree in conversation. I hope this gives you a better understanding. If you have more questions, ask away.


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I can't say for sure if my sister is clinically depressed or not, I'm a computer programmer not a doctor. At the very least she's homesick, lonely and upset.

I did have a short talk with her last night. She's lonely because she's home alone all day and doesn't know anyone her own age. She's upset that she hasn't heard back from any job applications (but won't listen to me and our dad that the squeaky wheel gets all the grease), and she's homesick because she's never been this far from home for this long before. I do get why she feels the way she does. I ended up telling her that I liked having her around and I think she will like it here if she gives it a chance. I have some work to do on my end because she's not fully moved into my spare bedroom yet because I still have some stuff in there. I decided that after she gets settled into the room and gets a job, if she still really hates it here I will help her get back. I am not going to foot the bill myself, but I will help her. I will probably have more of a heart to heart with her on Saturday when I will have more time to talk with her. That was when I planned on talking with her but she initiated the conversation we had last night.

Has anybody even addressed the instant gratification trap we modern people fall into. The best things in life require time and effort. Whether she stays or goes she will respect herself more (at all) if she earns it herself. One more thing, problems follow us as we move from place to place. They can be hidden for a while but will eventually surface.

Chkadii - Good post and informative when considering what your degree field is. I do not believe that real depression, as you said, is a weakness. I believe that sad people who claim to be depressed are being weak and seeking out attention from those around them. One example that drives me nuts is when people on facebook post vauge crap like "sigh" or "this sucks" or "I hate my life," etc. etc. They are seeking attention instead of sucking it up and driving on. I have also never been one that can't kick a habit from drugs to cigarettes. I've smoked numerous times and quite numerous times for months, even years, at a time. When I do start a habit again it isn't from a need but random chance. I'll get drunk and buy some smokes and then start again because of that, so maybe my resistance to addiction also affect my outlook on "sad" and not truly depressed people. REAL depression is a legitimate sickness, you have no argument from me there.

Kinra - I'm gald that you had a talk and it seems like there is some hope there to make things better. I would do everything that you can to get her her very own room, with nothing but her stuff, so that she feels like she has her own place. This may give her a sense of responsibility since it will be up to her to decorate, clean and make use of that space. Second, what types of jobs is she applying for and what has she worked in the past? Maybe she should try applying for something new? Also, has she looked at schools there, maybe a local community college? That would give her something to work towards and spring semester is just around the corner. FAFSA is a great way to get money and she could probably get quite a bit since she isn't living at home.

Chkadii- thanks for the info, that really did help me understand it a bit more.

Archie- I feel the same way towards addiction. Alot of people at my work smoke and complain about smoking allllll theeee timeeee. MANY times ive thought about smoking for a month and then just seeing if i could quit. Im 99.9% sure i could no problem, i just feel like i have that kind of personality. I feel like that outlook on addiction effects my outlook on depression as well.

I just wanted to expand on Chkadii's post. A true depressive disorder can also come from mulitple sources. Sometimes depression can run in families and there is an actual genetic predisposition towards depression in an individual. Then some people are just born that way from an otherwise healthy family. A person can actually develop a tendacy towards depression based on their upbringing and life experiences. These things can affect how resilient a person is to negative life experiences. Early life experiences, parenting, trauma and other things will shape an individual's belief system. So if a kid has a lot of negative early experiences, he or she can develop a more negative belief system and view of the world. Now this beleif system can possibly change based on positive experiences or be reinforced by further negative experiences. So this could be a precursor to a depressive disorder and part of therapy is trying to address this past learning.

I also do truly beleive that misuse of language is a problem here. Too many people will use the term "depression" when they really mean they are sad, dissapointed, down in the dumps, ect. I think it confuses matters.

Kinra- I defintiely agree that helping her feel more at home may help. I can say if she is depressed or just feeling sad/homesick. People can become depressed from major life changes, however, it just feels too soon to me. If she is depressed, she was likely depressed before the move and the move has only made it worse. Most likely because she has no way of avoiding the feelsings that were there before the move. Given her age, I wonder if she is feeling lost? At 18, she's finished high school and has likely seen many friends go off to school or do something else to move on with their lives. Now here she sits in an apartment that isn't hers & with no direction and no one around she knows. So I wonder if part of the problem is that she hasn't figured out what she wants to do with her life. Working on short term goals like moving in fully and finding a job will help, but she probably still need to find something that gives her a sense of purpose. Some kind of bigger goal to work towards and give her direction.