Is this wrong?

So, for those who don't know "which is everyone". I am going through CLEET which is basically police academy. I'm here Monday night through friday afternoon. I get home about 7:00 pm on Fridays. My girlfriend of two years and I had an argument which basically boils down to my time spent on the weekends. She gets mad if I don't spend every second with her on the weekends and pouts. I miss her and want to spend time with her but I have a lot of stuff I want to do like laundry, mowing, and of course caring for my snakes. . I'm surrounded with 67 other people all day and don't have much free time...and when I get home I want some alone time where it's just me in my quiet house. Is that wrong to ask?


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That sucks.. have you told her how you feel? If she cant handle that you need your own time/space and is still acting like that even though you have sat her down and talked with her.. well then, yeah.. :rolleyes: someone is a tad clingy and doesnt get that acting that way is only going to mess things up in the long run..

your not wrong in anyway. everyone needs there own time\space. If your significant other doesnt see it that way then you may need to start looking for a new one. Once a girl tries to control my life she is out of my life.

I'm a female and I don't think you are in the wrong at all. I'll be the first to admit that I'm often emotionally dependent, but not clingy in the slightest. Especially if my man were trying to better him self and eventually create a good life for us both.

Over the years I became the type of person who is happy with what I have when I have it. That includes other people. Let's say I'm with someone who can't be around all the time. Well then I just remember how happy I am when he IS around or when we do talk etc.. It makes it all worthwhile. Especially when you can look at the big picture.

Quiet? I love quiet! I crave it. Does she want you to be constantly doing things with her and constantly running around? Or would she be happy just being there with you. Helping you do you house work, or relaxing with a movie on the couch while doing some laundry? That's my idea of contentment. If she's actually clingy and upset about this, but we don't really know the details since you haven't given them, you need to have a heart to heart with her. Assure her of your feelings but try to come to some mutual agreement so that you're both stress free.

I can only imagine how physically and mentally challenging your training is, and it seems odd to me that she isn't thinking about it in that way.


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Snakes, Jeeps, Dragons, Nature, & Knives.. Makes my world go-round!

Amen Foschi Exotic Serpents ..

Congratulations on your career choice, Pigfat! I currently work in law enforcement and can't imagine a more fulfilling or at times more infuriating career choice (mostly the politics within the agency and at times some of the calls/inability to do SOMETHING but anyway...). I don't blame you in the least for feeling how you do about wanting to get home and just chill. I was the same when I was at the academy and also now when I work. It takes some time to decompress and go from constantly being on your guard and watching things to being able to relax and realize the person sitting next to you isn't a potential threat and is instead someone you care about. My wife and I went through a learning curve while I was in training and also too the first year or two I was starting my career. We've come to the point to where she leaves me alone for the first hour or two after I get home while I decompress and work on being a functional human being again, lol! As has already been said, sit her down and lay it out for her as far as what you're dealing with at your training, the toll it takes to constantly have to be "on" for people (classmates, instructors, cadre, etc.) and how valuable that time to yourself can be. If she's not willing to hear that or compromise with you to where you guys still get to see each other but you also get your time, well...then I think that question answers itself. Good luck with things and be safe!

Im a LEO. I work nights and love it. The schedule you will have is gonna be crazy at first and she will have to be understanding that life for a LEO is in no way regular. If she has a problem now she will have a bigger problem later. Your gonna have stuff you dont want to talk about and times you need space to decompress and she may not understand which is always hard on a relationship. It is hard for people to understand how hard the job is and how much it takes out of you. LEO's are not easy to date and have a interesting life to say the least. Our humor and feelings, well lack there of, throws people off and your girl is no different. Lucky for me I have a great fiance that allows me to sleep during the day when needed and doesnt bother me when I get called in or my days off suddenly get changed or I have to take action on my day off.

My advise to you is have a sit down and tell her how you feel and what you need from her. I hope she understands and gets off you. I also suggest this book from on amazon. Its about having a cop in the family and what to expect. If she will read it I would buy it for her. That way its from a good source and not just you telling her what you need. Check it out.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Cop-Revis...&keywords=cops

Good luck

Thanks guys and gals. That's the thing, she comes over while I'm trying to do stuff and just sits there and then says "I'm just going to go home so you can do stuff" and I ask if she wants to help and she doesn't. Then she came back later and I wasn't done with stuff so I said "how about I get this stuff done and then I'll come over in an hour/hour and half" and she said okay. Well I was a little late and she was so upset and I even said I would stay later before having to leave but she would t have Ny of it. It's doing nothing but putting more stress on me.


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Choices. Sounds like you'll be making a big one soon. IF she hasn't already made it for you and is waiting for you to figure it out. Good luck man.

Yeah, that's unreasonable. I'm sorry, but she should get up off her lazy butt and help you, not pout because you're busy getting house work done. I'm also female, and I think she's being massively inconsiderate. If she wants more time with you, putting her little self to work on the chores will get them done quicker, and make that happen.

Sorry to be harsh, but honestly? lol...

For your part, however, you should give her one full day of your undivided attention. Pick one day for chores and personal time, and she gets what's left over--and the next day belongs to just her, with no other distractions.

I am also a LEO and I can tell you it won't get any better if you are dealing with that and you are only in the academy. I remember my 3 months of that fun... 5 days a week and only 2 days to rest and get everything ready for next week. I just had to have a long talk with my gf about the whole deal. Believe me after you get done that it will not be any better if something is not done now. it also will take a while for her to get used to dealing with a person who finds it hard to trust anyone.. at least that's how I am.

I'm going to go the opposite direction of claiming the OP's partner is a clingy, dependent, and unreasonable. There are a lot of factors at play here, and we don't necessarily know all the dynamics of the relationship's history.

From her perspective, all she sees is you gone for 5 days of the week and it appears that you don't care about her, because you'd "rather" be doing laundry than spending time with her. I don't think it's unreasonable for somebody in a relationship to want to spend more than 2-3 hours a week with their partner. I'm not saying it's acceptable for her to be rude, or pick fights... just that I see her perspective, and she may be acting the way she does because she doesn't know where she stands in your life or your priorities. Even people who aren't naturally clingy or dependent, can start to lean that way if they started a relationship not knowing that this type of strain would be placed on it, or that this type of sacrifice would be placed on them.

If you've made a point of at least trying spending some time with her (other than just sitting around doing nothing), and have explained/communicated to her what you've explained to us, and she is aware that there are sacrifices, but unable to live with them.. well then you have some issues. Maybe you just aren't in a place to be in a relationship right now.. as it sounds like even if you wanted to spend time with her, you aren't able to. Sounds like you need to determine whether the relationship is worth the stresses put on you.

I agree with Anatopism and also going the opposite direction.

I honestly don't think she is clingy at all. It seems like she is more than happy to let him do his job five days a week patiently waiting for the weekend when it can be "her time". I don't think there is anything clingy about wanting to spend time with someone you are in a relationship with. Also have to agree with her thought process being more along the lines of, you work five days a week and you would rather spend your free time with your laundry than me. I can imagine that being frustrated as well as a bit hurtful.

I would suggest carving out time just for her. It might be hard and it might interrupt your own thing but if the relationship is important to you than leaving your clothes in the dryer should be okay. If you can get everything you need to and have your time on Saturday and give her Sunday. Have it where you will stop by six with all the cleaning, snake stuff, and just do things she wants to do. Invite her to do the laundry with you, clean the snake room, or help you out, but no one wants to be ignored.

I think what you are working towards is great. From a girl's point of view it's hard to watch your friends go out all the time with their mates, occasions come up where she has to go alone, not being able to just go to dinner, or even just having you to call every night to talk to.

I brought up a solution of making Saturday our quality time as well as Sunday afternoons. And she can work all day Monday so I can get all my chores done and be ready by the time she gets off...but she didn't like that and got really mad when I said that I want just a little bit of time alone...to do my own thing, and explained that it's only 4 more weeks but it went over like poop in a punch bowel. She sent me a text late last night saying "I think it's a great idea, and I want to have my alone time too do Saturday will be my alone day and Monday can be yours, and we'll just hang out Sunday if I have any spare time" Relationships are frustrating.


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Sounds to me like she's jealous of your new career choice... like it's a personal attack on your relationship.

My Fiance is in the Military and I went through having to deal with him going on a tour of duty to Afghanistan. Well, when he finally got back home after 7 months of being away I was a bit clingy, to say the least. I wanted to spend all of our free time together and this just wore down at him until he finally broke and told me to back off or I'll lose him. I think this might be something you're going to have to talk to her about. Tell her that her being like this is hurting your guy's relationship and that if she doesn't be reasonable about it then she's going to lose you. Tell her that you aren't doing this job to get away from her, that you're doing it so that you can have a great career that'll give you a great life and if she wants to be a part of that life then she is going to have to help you not hinder you.

Sorry you're having to go through this, I know it's got to be hard. I know with the Military a lot of the guys have a hard time keeping relationships going because they go away on training and such a lot so I'm guessing it's similar with law enforcement.

I think her text to you should prove her childish and snobby reactions enough to everyone. That was uncalled for I think. Just get through your training and try not to let this bother you. Then see where you guys stand.

It's not the time for letting anything stress you out. I think she's being selfish now that I've seen that response. Keep your head up and get through the next month.

Does your girlfriend have any hobbies? I ask, because it sounds like she doesn't do enough to keep busy and fulfilled. If she has any hobbies, maybe you could subtly steer her towards picking up a class so she'll have at least one other thing to do at the weekends than bother you when you need some alone time.

The conversation could go like this:

You: Hey honey, I saw this advert in the park district letter that they're offering Basketweaving classes on Saturday afternoon? They're not very expensive and I know how much you love Basketweaving, would you be interested if I signed you up for a few classes as a treat?

As long as you phrase it right, it makes you sound like a lovely boyfriend who has a) listened attentively enough to her interests to know that she loves Basketweaving b) thought about her while she's not there by identifying a class you think she might like and c) bought her a nice gift.

You need never reveal your ulterior motive for alone time ;)

This is assuming you actually want to stay with her. Personally, I'm staunchly independent and really need my alone time. I've ended more than one relationship because I felt the other party was too clingy.

My question is how old are both of you and how long have you been together.

I dont think we know enough of the story to pass judgment on her actions and from past experience, guys trend to leave out details they think are minor but are actually game changers in a female's eyes. Not that they do it on purpose, they just see things differently :)

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I am 25 and she is 26. We've been together for over 2 years now. She went away for college for the first semester then transferred back home. She hated it so she came back every weekend, and I still went to see her on weekdays and weekends she had tests and wanted to stay and study. She hasnt even tried to come up an see me here at all. She's not answering any texts now....women are crazy.


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I think that strong, thriving relationships incorporate an understanding and support of each partner's individual goals, as well as combined efforts toward mutual goals. Part of that understanding is the expectation that goals often require sacrifice to accomplish, on both partners' parts (i.e. you rearranging laundry time, etc/her being more flexible about spending time together).

Sounds like she misses you, but perhaps her way of expressing it is a bit selfish & myopic considering everything you have on your plate at the moment. Communication is key here, and quite frankly if the two of you can't sit down & talk about what is important to you, what is important to her, and how to meet in the middle while you're going through this training, that'll tell you quite a bit.

$.02...

Communication IS everything...and she won't communicate. The only thing she sI is that she is too busy to hang out this weekend...VERY immature. And she is 20 not 26.


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Originally Posted by pigfat

Communication IS everything...and she won't communicate. The only thing she sI is that she is too busy to hang out this weekend...VERY immature. And she is 20 not 26.


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I think you need to cut your losses with this one. If she cant handle the relationship now how is she gunna handle it when you become a cop? A police officer is a very respectable career, and im not trying to take anything away from that. But hows she gunna handle it when you get called in all hours of the nite and day, or on holidays and birthdays? Sounds to me like shes just not ready for that kinda relationship. Cops have like the highestbdivorce rate of all careers. My grandpa was a state cop for like 20 years and hes divorced lol. The good thing is he got to retire before the age of 50 and has lived off of his state police and USMC pensions since then. :gj:

I know....I graduated with a degree in criminal justice but was working as a safety director and as soon as there was a position open she was encouraging me to apply, so really I can blame this on her lol jk jk. It's not lookin good right now but I want to say thank you to everyone who has pitched in on this subject. It means a lot that you care the slightest to read this and give your thoughts.


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Goodluck with everything man I wish you the best. Been down that road before so I know what your going through. All I can say is put "yourself" first as you are doing the right thing bettering your life. If shes not onboard an wants to act like a high school drama queen then so be it. You tried an she made no effort an thats selfish

[QUOTE=pigfat;1862409]It's not lookin good right now but I want to say thank you to everyone who has pitched in on this subject.

If you do end up calling it off, don't think of it negatively as not looking good. Instead, look at it as another chance to find the person who is actually right for you and will support your career choices.

Just a little update. She apologized for acting poorly and overreacting. So we get through this weekend, I took her to a movie and then afterwards she broke up with me...guess she just wanted one more date.


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That sucks and sorry to hear that. On the flip side, I think you're way better off without her if that's how she chooses to handle things and if she can't hack it with the current level of stress, let alone when things get rough down the road. Good luck to ya', man.

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Originally Posted by youbeyouibei

That sucks and sorry to hear that. On the flip side, I think you're way better off without her if that's how she chooses to handle things and if she can't hack it with the current level of stress, let alone when things get rough down the road. Good luck to ya', man.

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Gracias me amigo. It kinda sucks but I guess with time it will be okay...just two years gone....but that's less stress to deal with.


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Now that was a classy move! Cut that one loose, you can do better. You are going to need a special girl to put up with your job and your snakes. Lol! I'm glad I found one and don't have to do the dating thing. Now if I could just get her sold on letting me get a red tail for Christmas.

Keep your head up, but beware of badge bunnies. The uniform does strange things to women and most the time its not good.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by KMG

Now that was a classy move! Cut that one loose, you can do better. You are going to need a special girl to put up with your job and your snakes. Lol! I'm glad I found one and don't have to do the dating thing. Now if I could just get her sold on letting me get a red tail for Christmas.

Keep your head up, but beware of badge bunnies. The uniform does strange things to women and most the time its not good.

Good luck!

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AMEN! to that! Like my sergeant told me when I first started and was on field training with him: two things that will ruin a guys' career in this field: a whiskey glass and a woman's...derriere. Hang in there, man & good luck to ya'!

Haha thanks. At least I have a new bp! New stuff always helps, specially a new bp!


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I was going to post something all supportive, encouraging and some advice from my horrible past relationship with a night-shift worker (Oh yeah, I went clingy! But I was younger...) My current boyfriend does shift work too. 10-12 hour shifts, nights and weekends. To say that it takes a special girl and a special relationship to understand that is right on. It does take a lot of trust and confidence to not see your partner for huge gaps of time. And when my man comes home, yep, he does need some down time. He's foreman, so he deals with drama and politics all day. Last thing he needs is me dishing him out the same petty BS :gj: So instead, while he has his quiet time, I make dinner and do my own thing. Works out well. I don't push him, he doesn't feel smothered, and we get to spend our time together without picking fights.

But, sounds to me like this girl of yours was pulling the whole: "Fine! You don't want to spend time with me, then I don't want to spend time with you!" routine. Unfortunately, she only did that because she actually -wants- to spend time with you, and was 'punishing' you for not chosing her. Yes, women are complicated, but that's exactly what she was doing. Removing herself from you, taking away your 'reward' of spending time with her. And then getting mad when you didn't tell her how much you need her, need to spend time with her, admit you made a wrong choice, blah blah blah.

Truth is, you need a lady, not a girl. You need a woman that's going to be confident with her own hobbies, comfortable with your line of work, willing to offer resolutions to things that are bothering her and be able to communicate when she feels she needs to. Through that, you can find that balance of give and take, as well as understanding.

I'll be honest: Sounds like you're better off without this one. She needs to do some growing up, and now she has a chance to realize that.

It's well worth the wait to find that right person that understands your life. Once you find them, you'll realize how on earth you managed to put up with everyone else :rofl: