How do you approach the topic?

Back in September 2011, I finally got to get into my dream of owning reptiles. Started out nice and basic with a Crested gecko. Then got myself a Leopard gecko a few months afterwards, a Gargoyle the month after that, and then a Corn Snake arrived that I'd had on hold for most of this duration (waiting for better weather to ship, as it was winter).

I had put off getting reptiles most of my life, due to either family (where I was living) or my ex, who heavily disapproved of them. Thankfully, I am with a much more supportive boyfriend at this point. We recently moved in together and my reptiles currently reside in my office. So, three geckos and a corn snake. My other half even 'claimed' the one gecko, saying he was: "Just like a little dinosaur! This one is my gecko, you know."

I was very happy about this. I'd never really been supported before with my hobbies, and he is just wonderful about them.

But, there has been a slight snag recently that's leaving me asking... "What changed?"

There is one more snake I had on my 'dream' list of what to get. My last reptile, at least while we're in this small townhouse. A gorgeous male Pied. I was waiting on a local breeder, and she hatched out this lovely little thing. Called me up and I was just smitten with him.

However, when I mentioned possibly getting my 'last' reptile (I am at what I feel is my capacity for balancing time with the animals and time with life's other obligations), my other half suddenly turned very negative on the topic. "No more," I was told sternly.

Since then, he's seemed almost indifferent to the reptiles. He likes them when they're out, but if I casually bring them up in conversation (not often), he seems to 'tune out'. Whereas before he found them interesting.

Recently we were at a family thing, and one of his family members openly asked me: "So why on earth do you have reptiles? One or two, that makes sense. But you have a handful now. Why? What does it benefit you?"

It really irked me, as I don't share my hobby with people who don't enjoy it, and I don't remember talking to this family member about my reptiles much. In fact, Dan excitedly showed him pictures of the geckos in the past, where I stayed out of it.

I'm worried that these negative opinions and judgments are causing this change in attitude with him. He refuses to hold my snake now, whereas before he thought she was really cool. I'll take out 'his' gecko in the living room and he'll hold it for a minute or two before telling me I should "put it back."

I do respect him and his comfort zone, and asked him to make sure he isn't frightened or bothered by them. I haven't forced anything on him with this hobby either. They all stay in my room and I clean cages when I have free time, usually before he comes home from work, so I'm not neglecting 'our' time together.

But now I don't know what to do. I love that Pied and had a deposit put on the little snake, but with this recent reaction to the reptiles, I don't know how to bring up that I'm getting my 'dream' snake after 12+ years of wanting one.

Has anybody else had a significant other that has taken a dislike to the collection? Or dealt with anything similar to this? I naturally don't want to push the issue, but neither do I want to feel ashamed for having a hobby I enjoy. :confused:

Sorry to read this. My wife loves our reptiles as much as I do and she even splits the chores with me. In fact, last cleaning she did by herself while I was at work. However, she did get on me several months ago when I put down a little over $2,500 on a spied. She told me no more until I sold some of our clutches.

Then unknown to her, I put a deposit down on a Blue Tongue Skink. I had a buyer call me and ask about what I knew about available reptiles and she heard me on the phone talking about the BTS clutch. Well, she put two plus two together and discovered I had a deposit down on one. I expected to be blasted. Instead, she is now pressuring me wanting to know when we go pick it up.

I think she loves the reptiles even more than I do. I'm not sure what to tell you. Either your significant other likes and enjoys what you do or doesn't. I think any relationship is give and take. There are somethings my wife is into that I am not, but do try to take an interest. So, it goes both ways.

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I haven't experienced what you're experiencing yet in regards to my animals. My significant other is rather supportive of my reptile keeping and other pets. But I guess he expected it since I'm an Animal Biologist Pre-vet. And he is also aware that I put a strict limit cap on the number of animals I own. He knows I'm not going to go hoarder status or something... haha.



If your boyfriend doesn't enjoy your reptiles anymore, perhaps just let him be and have him interact with them on his own. If he wants to hold them, he would go get them himself. (It's his loss in the end)

And that comment by your boyfriend's family member bugs me. Why is it their business? Why do they care? It's your animals. You enjoy them. They make you happy. That's all that should matter.

Maybe come up w/ a compromise with your boyfriend. Tell him you have been waiting YEARS for this pied. This will be your last pet (for now ;D).

I somewhat understand how you feel, only up to a certain point. I don't own any animals, however, I want to, I'm going to be studying zoology (reptiles specifically) in college. That's when problems come up for me. My parents actually threatened to not visit me if I do own reptiles, my family is in the medical field and me leaving it isn't the big deal. But, going into something 'mediocre' and 'unprofitable' (in their words) is making them move away from me. (All my extended family, not just close). And my father is saying that I'll have to pay for my own college tuition because of that. So, it's my call if I want to be close with my family, or not. Although, I haven't really been as close as my other cousins are with the family since I've always harbored a great interest in animals. They hate when I bring up the 'zoology' or any topic regarding animals. It's like they're looking down on me for it, just because they're being doctors or something, but, who cares, it's your life, do what you want. I've gotten comments by family members saying 'So did you pick out a real major? Zoology isn't a real field, it's for people who can't progress in life' and 'You're not going to become successful, I hope you know that'. So yeah, I've heard some comments similar to yours up to a point, but, the best thing to do is just to brush it off and answer it truthfully. If you enjoy keeping reptiles say it, it's not like they can ban you from having them.

Sorry to hear of your problem, but, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your interests. Heck if anything, whenever a family member comments about my likes, I go back at them with their likes. It makes them feel just as uncomfortable most of the time like they try to make me feel.

Sorry I wasn't much of a help. Hope everything works out!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by satomi325

I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma.
I haven't experienced what you're experiencing yet in regards to my animals. My significant other is rather supportive of my reptile keeping and other pets. But I guess he expected it since I'm an Animal Biologist Pre-vet. And he is also aware that I put a strict limit cap on the number of animals I own. He knows I'm not going to go hoarder status or something... haha.



If your boyfriend doesn't enjoy your reptiles anymore, perhaps just let him be and have him interact with them on his own. If he wants to hold them, he would go get them himself. (It's his loss in the end)

And that comment by your boyfriend's family member bugs me. Why is it their business? Why do they care? It's your animals. You enjoy them. They make you happy. That's all that should matter.

Maybe come up w/ a compromise with your boyfriend. Tell him you have been waiting YEARS for this pied. This will be your last pet (for now ;D).

---

That's why I'm so stumped. He has gone and picked them out before. He really enjoyed my little Leopard gecko. Took pictures of him. Even fed him his superworms a few times and was like: "Aww he munched it! Haha. Worm didn't have a chance."

I've backed off of the whole topic recently with him, just to make sure I'm not being overbearing. Any time I took out the reptiles, I'd just do it for my own amusement, definitely not just throwing them at him, haha. Another reason I keep them in my office, where he never really goes unless it's to see the critters (or steal my scotch tape and sharpie markers...)

Yeah the family thing really irked me too. They just recently had a baby, so I was very tempted to reply: "Why do you have a child? Doesn't it cost you money? You could use that money and time for traveling. So why on earth would you have a kid and give all that up?"

But, I took the higher road and stayed quiet. Just means I'm more cautious with what I share nowadays :gj:

TheReptileGuy:

That is... an insane story. My dilemma is a bit frustrating, but yours... That is much more powerful. I can't even imagine a family full on just dropping you from their lives because you don't follow the same ambitions. If we all had the same ambitions, the world would be a very disfunctional place. Not everyone enjoys being a doctor. Something that people think is 'low ranking' can have so much meaning to someone who truly enjoys it.

I'm so sorry to hear that that is happening to you. I can't really think of any other words to offer.

I really hope you stick with it, and hope that your family starts to realize that you're happier doing what you love than you would be doing something that you don't have passion for :snake:

Much easier to apologize than ask for permission. :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by theReptileGuy

I somewhat understand how you feel, only up to a certain point. I don't own any animals, however, I want to, I'm going to be studying zoology (reptiles specifically) in college. That's when problems come up for me. My parents actually threatened to not visit me if I do own reptiles, my family is in the medical field and me leaving it isn't the big deal. But, going into something 'mediocre' and 'unprofitable' (in their words) is making them move away from me. (All my extended family, not just close). And my father is saying that I'll have to pay for my own college tuition because of that. So, it's my call if I want to be close with my family, or not. Although, I haven't really been as close as my other cousins are with the family since I've always harbored a great interest in animals. They hate when I bring up the 'zoology' or any topic regarding animals. It's like they're looking down on me for it, just because they're being doctors or something, but, who cares, it's your life, do what you want. I've gotten comments by family members saying 'So did you pick out a real major? Zoology isn't a real field, it's for people who can't progress in life' and 'You're not going to become successful, I hope you know that'. So yeah, I've heard some comments similar to yours up to a point, but, the best thing to do is just to brush it off and answer it truthfully. If you enjoy keeping reptiles say it, it's not like they can ban you from having them.

Sorry to hear of your problem, but, you shouldn't feel ashamed about your interests. Heck if anything, whenever a family member comments about my likes, I go back at them with their likes. It makes them feel just as uncomfortable most of the time like they try to make me feel.

Sorry I wasn't much of a help. Hope everything works out!

---

I totally understand you.
I originally wanted to go into Zoology as a field researcher. But my school didn't have that option. We have Wildlife Biology or Animal Biology instead. The parents would not stop haggling me. I've heard countless "dead end job", "poor", "what are you going to do w/ that degree?" etc etc.

Personally, I think zoology is just as important as any other major. Most medical professionals were biologists as undergrads. Zoology majors still have to fulfill the same requirements as other biologists and take the same GEs/lower divisions as physics and chemistry majors. So it's not a lesser major than other science majors.

Have you considered veterinary medicine or veterinary research? You can do the things you like w/ animals, but still have the "doctor" title. Win-win for both parties.
Getting into vet school is more difficult than med school, so your family can't talk smack then. Even if you get accepted and not attend, that's still a huge achievement.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Otolith

Much easier to apologize than ask for permission. :)

---

X2

Just get your pied! If he cares so little anyway, he may never notice! It sounds like your relationship is temporary anyway(or should be)! If he has his family thinking poorly of you for such an insignifficant detail, then things arent going well anyway!

Honestly, from the sounds of things, one of two things is going on. My first bet would be that he was excited, shared photos and such with his family, and they got negative so he's backed away a bit. The fact his family knew about them and how many there were says he talked to them about it. He probably was excited enough to talk about the pets to family members which is normal. They, on the other hand, seem to have negative feelings about them which they probably shared in turn, with your boyfriend. One of my husband's friends did this when I brought home my first ball. I listened to almost an hour of snide comments about 'why would you want a snake?' and 'they are disgusting' before putting my foot down and calmly explaining that I didn't give him advice on his hobbies and that if he disliked mine so much, he knew where the door was. At the same time, it did affect my husband (they are like brothers) and he was a bit more negative about them for awhile.

The second possibility is that he saw it go from one pet to several in a short amount of time and is worried that before long, the house will be over run. If he's not a big pet or reptile person, this reaction is normal. They seem to think that 10 snakes is equivalent to 10 cats. We know that's not the case, but they just see numbers. My hubby did this when I expanded my corn collection and then brought home a ball. We had a discussion about it where he understands now that how many snakes I have is not his concern unless it affects him just like his hobbies/collections aren't mine unless they start affecting my life. It just took some perspective to rein in the 'fear of hoarding' reaction.

My advice would be to sit down and have an adult conversation with your boyfriend and ask what's been bothering him about the reptiles. Don't get defensive or negative but truly listen to what's caused this turn of events and then work on a solution together. Chances are, it's his family influencing his thoughts or possibly one of them even put the idea into his head that next thing he'll know is that you'll have 200 snakes instead of just the couple. Find out the problem and you'll be able to work out a solution much better.

How do you approach this? Bring a snake to him, when he shows an unsatisfactory response, ask "what gives? You used to love these things". Be serious.

It's your life, your space, and your choice. As long as it doesn't affect him, do what you want. He doesn't need to see it if he doesnt want to. He doesn't need to take care of it..

I would get a new bf if i were you!:gj:

My grandparents who live next door to me recently took that attitude. They tolerated my snakes but now after i got my 5th bp they were besides themselves telling me how i need to stop and its not normal and not right and how im hurting them blah blah blah.

My response was: Its my money that i earn. I pay for my own phone, gas, truck/truck repairs, truck insurance, and school. The only thing i dont pay for is rent but im living with my parents still who said they dont mind and wouldnt charge me rent as long as i stay going to school. I have very few hobbies, pretty much only 2 that i actually spend money on, and i cant understand why they think its so wrong for me to have bps. The biggest problem is that theyre ignorant. They just dont realize that the difference in keeping 10 snakes isnt that much more than 5. (Besides food costs that is). It doesnt really matter bc after 1 more semester of community college ill be able to transfer to a 4 year school and get my own apartment. Then ill be able to get as many snakes as i want and no one can tel me otherwise!:banana:

If the situation doesnt get better tho i would really consider your relationship status with your bf. Who is he to tell you what you can and cant buy? Your spouse should support you no matter what. Remember: For a relationship to work you dont have to love all the same things, you just have to hate the same things.

Sounds to me like hes starting to hate on your herps....

My man is into hunting and I'm not. That's his thing and I wouldn't want to take one of his hobbies away, nor make him feel bad for enjoying said hobby.

It's your choice, your money, your space, your time. If I were in your shoes, I would get that snake I want.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Vasiliki

1 However, when I mentioned possibly getting my 'last' reptile (I am at what I feel is my capacity for balancing time with the animals and time with life's other obligations), my other half suddenly turned very negative on the topic. "No more," I was told sternly.

2 Recently we were at a family thing, and one of his family members openly asked me: "So why on earth do you have reptiles? One or two, that makes sense. But you have a handful now. Why? What does it benefit you?"

3 I'm worried that these negative opinions and judgments are causing this change in attitude with him.

4 But now I don't know what to do. I love that Pied and had a deposit put on the little snake, but with this recent reaction to the reptiles, I don't know how to bring up that I'm getting my 'dream' snake after 12+ years of wanting one.

5 I naturally don't want to push the issue, but neither do I want to feel ashamed for having a hobby I enjoy.

---

1 No one should tell their SO "no more" of this or that, I see that as very controlling (speaking broadly). He should have had a talk with you about the number of animals you both can afford and take care of, but straight telling you you can't have anymore? That gives me a feeling that there may be other reasons for his change of attitude that doesn't have to do with just the reps.

2 My own family (or at least my mom and somewhat my sister) thinks my passion for reptiles is "obsessive" (well, maybe it is...) but to a hoarding extent. It bothers me that they aren't more accepting of them and they don't realize how happy they make me, but some people just don't understand. His family may never understand your love for the reps, and that's something you might just have to deal with unfortunately.

3 Family can be VERY persuasive on a person, speaking from experience I had an ex who was okay with my first snake (this was many years ago) but after his family "got to him" he suddenly was very judgmental towards it and wanted nothing to do with it, just because his family manipulated him IMO. This could have definitely happened to your bf, and would explain the sudden change of heart towards your reps.

4 Get your pied, don't let your bf make you feel bad about it (or his family for that matter). You'll regret not getting him (the pied).

5 I would push the issue since it's obviously causing you stress and grief: ask him what's happened and why his feelings towards the reps have changed. Like mentioned, it could be another issue entirely that's making him not himself: the reps might not be the sole issue here.

Good luck! I hope everything works out for you both and that you post lots of pics of that nice little pied :gj:

Maybe let him have a look around on this forum! He will realize you're just getting started! LOL!

But it might not be about the reptiles. I'm a guy..

I've had something similar happen.

I got my first reptile in fall 2008. I was dating someone for almost a year at that point. He was cool with the reptile. He didn't really mind, but he wasn't super interested like I was. By the time our relationship had ended, I had 8 reptiles. Our relationship started to go sour once he told me he hated that I had so many pets.

I asked why he never said anything before I had so many and he never gave me a response. He was always a quiet person who didn't really talk to me about his feelings. The relationship ended quite badly and suddenly, but it was for the best. :/ I'm still not sure what changed. I am fairly convinced he fell into depression and thats what sparked his negativity towards me.

Through all of that though, he never told me not to get a new animal. It was my money, I was the one taking care of them, and he never had anything to do with them.


I am very thankful now to have a boyfriend that both doesn't mind my reptiles, and also is getting hooked himself. He helps me care for them and even convinces me to buy more :P


If I were you, I would get the new snake. Your boyfriend doesn't own you and as long as the money is coming out of your pocket, it isn't really any of his concern. Don't let him control you because of his opinions.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Otolith

Much easier to apologize than ask for permission. :)

---

That is what happened when I brought home my milksnake and my female blood python. I bought them without asking my boyfriend. He didn't seem too angry, just wanted us to put a cap on the number of snakes we have. Guess we haven't reached that limit yet, because we now are up to 8 snakes and there are so many more that we plan on getting when we have the extra money for our very small breeding program.

My advice to the OP is if you want it, go get it. Either he is going to support you in your hobbies, or he is not. But a relationship is all about give and take. My boyfriend loves playing Magic the Gathering. I personally don't understand it, but I don't get angry with him when he goes and buys a bunch of cards. He doesn't understand why I have so much fabric for my sewing projects or a ton of skeins of yarn for my knitting or crocheting projects, but he understands that I enjoy doing these things when I have time.

Just my 2 cents.