Trust

Without getting too personal, can relationships survive trust issues?

I ask here because I know a lot of people are happily married, some for many years. Although I have way more life experience than I should at my age, the idea of surviving a trust issue (not of my part) is foreign to me. Discuss.

Absolutely! I like to think of these issues from the other prespective. A couple had been married for many years and the husband had an affair. They stayed together, when asked why, the wife responded, I'm not going to focus on the one mistake he made after 10 years of marriage, I'm choosing to focus on all the things he's done right after 10 years of marrige.

Okay, but what happens if you don't have 10 years of a strong marriage to fall back on? And what if the other party continued to make bad choices following the "mistakes"?

Depends on what caused this trust issue.

it can overcome, but i think if it is only going to be a one sided thing, then no. both sides need to be in agreement, and any repeats of previous actions will ruin any chances of it working out. regardless on length of the relation ship. talk it out, understand it and why, and hopefully then it will work out. chances are the reasons that lead up to the issue, are equal on both parties involved due to a simple stupid misunderstanding.

No, you can't. Sorry to be blunt, but if you don't trust your significant other 100% your relationship is doomed eventually. When you don't trust someone you can never be truly happy with that particular person and when you're not happy, you argue and fight. Eventually one person will get sick of the fighting and call it off. Can people change and learn to trust someone? Definitely. Is it hard? Absolutely. But, one person WILL have to change, you can count on that. Be it the untrusting person or the non-trusted person.

In the case of that 10 year marriage, obviously she still trusts him even though he a lapse in judgement. If she decided to stick it out with him after he cheated, she must trust him enough that he's not going to do it again. GL with whatever decision you make, relationships are tough.:rolleye2:

My first reaction is to say no, it's doomed. My second thought is that any individual who needs to invest 100% trust in another person is doomed by their own insecurity. Maybe that's my own personal issue, though. A certain small level of general distrust is helpful in maintaining a balanced perspective, however cynical that may make me sound. On the same token, I think most people need at least 1 person they can trust whole-heartedly in their life. Some people get that from their parents, some people from their lover, or best friend. I think I'm of the opinion that this role is best filled by a non-lover. Perhaps that perspective will change as I grow older. I can't imagine people go through life after their parents die any other way.

If someone holds that position and then violates that trust, they'll never be able to fill that role again... regardless of which of those relationships the person falls into.

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Originally Posted by MrLang

My first reaction is to say no, it's doomed. My second thought is that any individual who needs to invest 100% trust in another person is doomed by their own insecurity. Maybe that's my own personal issue, though. A certain small level of general distrust is helpful in maintaining a balanced perspective, however cynical that may make me sound. On the same token, I think most people need at least 1 person they can trust whole-heartedly in their life. Some people get that from their parents, some people from their lover, or best friend. I think I'm of the opinion that this role is best filled by a non-lover. Perhaps that perspective will change as I grow older. I can't imagine people go through life after their parents die any other way.

If someone holds that position and then violates that trust, they'll never be able to fill that role again... regardless of which of those relationships the person falls into.

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NOT trusting someone is a sign of insecurity, not the other way around.

Once trust is lost it is hard to regain but it can happen if the offending party is truly sincere in their repentence.

Forgiveness is easy. Forgetting is hard.

Personally, from experiences I have been through, trust is everything and without trust there is no relationship. Once somebody has thrown away my trust they don't get to earn it back. Clearly it doesn't mean that much to them.

However that's me personally. I know plennnty of couples that have had a bad breakup after a mistake and then get back together and they're happy as larry now...even though at the time of the mistake they were insistent it could not be fixed and it was over.

I find it more difficult to trust people once you've been taken for a mug repeatedly.

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Originally Posted by dart

NOT trusting someone is a sign of insecurity, not the other way around.

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I should have highlighted the word NEEDS. Being UNABLE would definitely be an issue of its own; I agree (if that's what you meant).

I think the actions taken afterwards by the untrusted person are key. The cheating husband or wife example, if they want to regain your trust they must do whatever it takes if they really want the relationship to work. No getting mad when the "where were you?" question is asked or "What are doing?". That's all part of it. I will be married for 25 years this year and I can promise you it hasn't been easy (because of me). However, our relationship is stronger now than it ever was but both people have to work at it. If one doesn't want to put in the effort then it will never work out. It can be done but it will take time.

I don't think that once trust has been broken that anything can ever be the same again. Imo it will never be 100% happy or healthy relationship again. I personally would move on. I have been married for almost 12 years. And if there was a "trust" issue, I would be gone. My husband and I completely trust each other. That is huge in having a successful relationship.
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Originally Posted by LGray23

Okay, but what happens if you don't have 10 years of a strong marriage to fall back on? And what if the other party continued to make bad choices following the "mistakes"?

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I don't think its a trust issue if the actions are regularly repeated. I think you know what you have to do Lgray......

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Originally Posted by Trochu

I don't think its a trust issue if the actions are regularly repeated.

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Perfectly stated.

Once trust is broken, it can never be 100% repaired.

It depends entirely upon the individuals involved, entirely. Some folk can let bygones be bygones over multiple affairs while others may end a relationship over a lingering stare. You have to choose for yourself where you stand and what you're willing to endure. As for being together for a long time, that doesn't necessarily mean transgressions are more easily forgiven. The longer you're with someone the more hurt you may be and the more difficult you may find it to forgive.

I've been married for more than 30 years. I trust my wife 100% in everything. I don't know how we would still be married if I did not. I know she also trusts me 100%. In fact, I may be unqualified to answer the question, because there has never been a trust issue between me and my wife.

Trust is a very special thing, just like love. If it is lost, I imagine that it can be very difficult to get it back. It is also an act or should I say a verb, not a noun - meaning a noun is something stagnant and never changing. Love, respect and trust are constantly evolving and moving - growing and tested. Therefore, once it is lost, through hard work on both sides it may be able to be revived over a long period of time.

To me, trust is just as important as love and respect. For a relationship to work for me, there must be all three (trust, love and respect). That is the three legged stool of a relationship.

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Originally Posted by Trochu

I don't think its a trust issue if the actions are regularly repeated. I think you know what you have to do Lgray......

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Well not the same actions...just more like not putting in the amount of effort you'd expect....and also the original action/s don't necessarily have to be physical cheating. Without going into too much detail, trust was broken very badly. don't know, I probably shouldn't have even made this post. I guess I just wanted some other opinions on trust or lack thereof...

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Originally Posted by LGray23

Well not the same actions...just more like not putting in the amount of effort you'd expect....and also the original action/s don't necessarily have to be physical cheating. Without going into too much detail, trust was broken very badly. don't know, I probably shouldn't have even made this post. I guess I just wanted some other opinions on trust or lack thereof...

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Whatever it is you're struggling with, we are here to help if you need it. :)

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I think any relationship that doesn't have trust, has issues :) Just my experience. I'm a once bitten, twice shy type of person but I always trust 100% until there is a reason not to. Thankfully I've never really had any issues there but if that trust was lost then I'd guess the relationship probably would be too in my book. I've found that people have a habit of repeating mistakes. That might mean that they violate your trust or that you find the same kind of people time and time again. It's a vicious cycle that is partially because of environmental factors and life decisions have helped shaped who you are and what you look for. The same is true of the other person. It's pretty hard to change hardwiring in your brain. It *IS* possible but highly unlikely.

Regards,

B

An act of broken trust is a symptom of a larger problem. I've been married more than twice, been divorced the same number of times I've been married. Some of it my fault, some of it not, so I've seen both sides of the coin.

The act that breaks the trust is just a manifestation. Be it cheating or substance abuse, or cleaning out the checking account...all are symptoms of greater disharmony.

In my experience, once a trust is broken, it will continue to be broken, regardless of what words are said or what pain is soothed.
The old saying, “If you marry someone you cheated with, don’t ever be surprised when they cheat on you”, is not only true, it applies to other breaches of trust as well.

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Originally Posted by LGray23

Okay, but what happens if you don't have 10 years of a strong marriage to fall back on? And what if the other party continued to make bad choices following the "mistakes"?

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LGray, Sweetie, Tigers don't change their stripes...You really can't blame the Tiger for being a Tiger…it’s just doing what Tigers do. Sometimes you just have to recognize it for what it is and move on.

I guess, if you are a good enough person to truly forgive them, and they are truly repentant, then possibly. For me, no way. Once my trust is lost, it would be easier to start from scratch, than to try to convince myself that a KNOWN LIAR, is telling the truth.

I was hurt pretty much as bad as u can be an i can tell you this i have a very hard time trusting people. I was betrayed not only by my girlfriend of 3 years but my best friend since i was just a little kid. It has ruined pretty much any\all relationship for me till this day. But what i can tell you is after years of anger i put it aside an resolved any problem i had with the two. Did it make me trust people any more no but it did feel better to not carry along the hate i had built up for years towards these people. I find myself pushing people away before i get that attachment bc im honest to god scared as hell to get hurt like i did again. If someone continues along the same path an doesnt change its time you make the change you need to. If theres not 100 percent trust on both sides imo there is no relationship.

I have to say no. If I don't trust my wife and vice versa then I would always have doubts. She is my best friend and I discuss things with her prior to doing anything. Communication is a must.

Leah i think i remember you saying that you were in a bad marriage before you even were with your (now ex) boyfriend. Sounds like you just have bad luck with guys lol. I can assure you that you can do better though. Youre very pretty. Never ever settle for someone who you think is gunna cheat on you again... :gj:
just my 2 cents on the matter, though im farrr from the romancer lmao!

Guys will not change. Either your a loyal man or not. I have friends that sleep around on their wives, and I don't get it. Not my thing I guess I enjoy coming home to my wife and kids. Again people are who they are, not a whole lot is going to change that.

I would say if you have examined the breaches (sounds to me like it was more than one) of your trust and they are founded (meaning no jumping to a conclusion or assuming), then you probably know what to do. Though, it is not a bad idea to bounce it off others and get a new perspective.

Too bad you are on the East Coast, we need more like you out here.

Sorry you are having a hard time.

Trust has always been a challenge for me, and it has come out in many of my relationships in different ways. As far as whether or not a relationship can survive trust issues, I think it really depends on the persons involved. The connections between people tend to be sticky, complicated, and wholly unique. I've gotten into the pattern of simply cutting things off when I knew that I personally wouldn't be able to trust a certain person again. People are all different, and it's just very hard for me to forget being crossed. And while there was a lot of temptation to go back sometimes (the grass is always greener...) I know that I'd be one holy mess of suspicious. I tried to get past my feelings a couple of times and realized that I was making myself miserable as well as the other person. As Brian said, once bitten twice shy.

I'm in my first relationship where I genuinely do trust the other party whole heartedly, and we're able to work things out when they do come up. This being the case I don't think I'm in any position to give advice, but I hope my opinions help. It's all up to you whether you think you can trust someone to put as much effort into a relationship that you are. We all love ya here Leah, don't worry about searching for a sounding board here :)

A relationship can survive trust issues and/or breaches of trust, depending...depending on the people involved in it, their commitment to one another and most especially, the why of it all. If someone made an honest-to-God mistake and I'm not talking the alcohol induced or the all-too-common anymore "I have a sex addiction" b.s., then I think darn near anything can be overcome; for me, anyway, it's all about the intent. If they knew what they were doing, knew it was wrong and did it anyway, short of a medical condition or diagnosed psych issue and even then...it would take a lot of convincing and a lot of time before that suspicion would pass.

It will take time, sincere and heartfelt effort and investment. Not just paying lip service to the relationship or the other half but sincerely working at it. That saying about each person has to contribute 50/50 is bull; a relationship is 100%/100% or it doesn't work. Both people are either in it for the long term or they aren't, simple as that. Don't shortchange yourself and stay with or pursue something with someone who doesn't appreciate and venerate you for you; the good along with the parts you might not be so proud of. Life's too short to waste it with someone who's just passing the time. Good luck and I hope things even out for you and you find the answers you're looking for or at the least find some comfort. Take care, Leah! :gj: