horrible.....

Im moving yet again so I cant take all my snakes with......Im deffinately not leaving them home again after my caramel albino female and 2 other females died! Plus my boyfriend is extremely jealous of them.....so this morning he said "its me or a few of your snakes"....great so the deal I have is to let the cali king go and my het albino, pastel female, and spider male go BUT Im going to trade the spider and pastel for a bee which is what I got them for in the first place...and now I had to take my name off of the reptile rescuer list.....this is horribly upsetting makes my stomach feel sick I seriously just got my pastel last week.....

Ultimatums are not nice, especially in situations such as yours.

Do you NEED the boyfriend? Do you WANT the boyfriend? Would YOU be better off WITHOUT the boyfriend?

Good luck.

Sorry, but why let someone dictate your life?

Their your animals, he dont like get lost. Plenty more guys/women out there who do like snakes. I would NEVER get rid of my snakes cause a woman said its me or them.

Just echoing what's been said already.... but I'd take a good look at your relationship, even if it's painful to do so. Are you the person who said your boyfriend didn't like the snakes, but now has a ghost, or am I thinking of somebody else?

If this is a passion of yours, and a hobby you enjoy doing, don't compromise who you are and what you love. It's one thing to be open and flexible in a relationship, it's another thing to give up a piece of who you are at the demands of somebody else - that is not love or respect coming from him, and I strongly recommend you take a good objective look at your relationship before you get rid of your animals. It's one thing if you're neglecting the relationship due to an unhealthy attachment to the animals, it's another thing entirely if he is insecure about you being passionate about anything other than him.

Today it's the snakes, what will it be next time. Don't let ANYONE give you ultimatums, that's not a relationship, he's trying to control you. The red flags are a wavin' darlin, RUN!

All of the above are correct answers!

Its either all of you or none of you!

i understand what all of you are saying but I also see where my boyfriend is coming from hes always complaining I never hang out with just him its always me him and a snake and everytime I talk to him its about snakes so I feel bad the only reason I ever got into snakes is for a bumble bee ball python I thought it be cool to produce one myself but I dont have to I dont really want to risk a 3 year relationship just on something so little that I wanted to do for a fun project on the side. And Im not allowed more than 2 snakes where Im moving the landlord said no so either way they have to go either way but for now Im telling him its just for him but in reality its in order to live where I want its close to both of our jobs its a great neighborhood it comes furnished and completely redone and another plus.....NO where NEAR my family :D

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Originally Posted by python_addict

i understand what all of you are saying but I also see where my boyfriend is coming from hes always complaining I never hang out with just him its always me him and a snake and everytime I talk to him its about snakes so I feel bad the only reason I ever got into snakes is for a bumble bee ball python I thought it be cool to produce one myself but I dont have to I dont really want to risk a 3 year relationship just on something so little that I wanted to do for a fun project on the side. And Im not allowed more than 2 snakes where Im moving the landlord said no so either way they have to go either way but for now Im telling him its just for him but in reality its in order to live where I want its close to both of our jobs its a great neighborhood it comes furnished and completely redone and another plus.....NO where NEAR my family :D

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Looks like hes already did his job by making you feel like the victim here.

Theres other guys better that would love to talk snakes with you anytime.

but not other guys that im in love with ;)

Your young, First loves hardly work out. Move on or put your foot down.

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Originally Posted by python_addict

"its me or a few of your snakes"....

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Yuck. I'd kick that guy to the curb so fast. Does he spend a lot of time doing anything? What are his hobbies? Tell him to get rid of his valuable things or you're leaving.

maybe but Im gonna stick around till it does get to that breaking point which may be close anyway Im gonna try to hang on to him for a bit longer his jealousy is the only thing wrong with him

I guess you should know better than us since you see both sides of the spectrum. Just remember to do what makes you happy, whether it be boyfriend, bumblebee or both. You shouldn't have to sacrifice something you love as long as its not causing you or anyone else harm.

maybe hes been watching too nuch animal hoarding lately. peace.

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

Darlin' from what you've written, he's got more than just jealousy issues; and you seem to make excuses for him. As Rich stated before, you're still young. There is a great big world out there, just waiting for you, DON"T settle.

Jealousy is all....

Jealousy is enough.

New good is harder to deal with than old bad.

Were my daughter to lay this situation out I'd tell her the same. He's not being fair, he is being greedy and he's most assuredly taking advantage of you.

Being alone may be scary but look at the relationships in your family. How many started out with "the only thing wrong" with him lines.

It's not a little thing. It's not a little thing that does grow into a large mean thing.

Anyway, good luck. But before you go, for surely you're spending too much time online and that makes him jealous too, stop and think about what you'll do when he gives you the next ultimatum. It's coming.

Most assuredly.

jealous of a few snakes? Dang what does he do when another dude checks you out. Did you have alot of snakes before you met him? If you did he knew what he was getting his self into.

Oh girlfriend... Why stick around until it gets to that breaking point? Dump his jealous butt and get yourself a nice new guy who will support your hobby and maybe even BUY you a snake!

Here's a long story I am going to attempt to make short.

I was 16 and going to prom with my b/f at the time. He (country boy) brought a baby bunny that was sick with him to pick me up. Needless to say I was tending the bunny most of the car ride and night. After prom it slept on my chest the whole night and I didn't get any sleep. It died the next day.

I find out that he was JEALOUS over that baby bunny! I kicked him to the curb so fast, I didn't care if he did just take me to prom or given me a (what I now realize) promise ring months earlier.

MY animals are all MY babies, if you can't deal, then hit the road!

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so this morning he said "its me or a few of your snakes"

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That would be when I say it's the snakes, not because I value my animals more than I value my relationships however being together is not about silly ultimatum it's about compromises.

If HE tell you what you can have or do now what make you think it will stop to snakes, ask yourself that question.

He is basically threatening to leave you over snakes :rolleyes:

I can tell you I am married to someone who does not like snakes well at list didn't when I brought up the idea of getting 1 (at the time it was one), we had already been married for several years and we simply talked about it, he was not excited about it but as long as he had nothing to do with it, he had no issue with it either. (Of course now I have 60 something :rolleyes:)

Bottom line if it came down to it I would give up my animals for him however NEVER because of a threat.

Relationships are just not about threat they are about compromises, communication and supporting each other passion even if it is not yours.

As others have said, you shouldn't let his jealousy stand in the way of something you enjoy. I was the same way when I first got into snakes. My husband grew tired of me always talking about them and always wanting to spend time with the snakes. Eventually I realized that the snakes were my hobby, not his.

Instead of kicking your guy to the curb or forcing yourself to get rid of something you love, why not take a different road first. Sit down with him and tell him "Honey, I realize I spend a lot of my time with this hobby. I know this isn't something your interested in" And tell him you'll spend more time with him. Don't talk about the snakes as much. In a nutshell, keep your hobby to yourself and find other people to talk about snakes with.

I had to do the same thing. My husband wasn't telling me to get rid of the snakes, but only because he knew I loved them so much. And he didn't want to come between me and something I'm passionate about. That is the difference here. Your guy is saying "Its me or them" If he's not willing to compromise (and if your not willing as well), then yes, kick him to the curb. If he's not willing to stay with you because you want to keep doing something you love, then he's not worth your time.

Who's HE to give you an ultimatum? If your snakes make you happy...I say lose the BF. Besides jealousy will eventually more than likely destroy the relationship anyway. Just my thoughts.

Several thoughts.

1) He shouldn't be making ultimatums.
1a) Is he correct though? Are you spending more time with the snakes and less time with him? If so - is there an underlying reason why? IE, avoidance of time with him? Is he just so flabbergasted with the situation that he needed to get your attention?

2) If you give into his demands, you are going to add another problem to the relationship. His jealousy + your resentment.

3) What about some compromise? Be more aware of how much you talk about the snakes, how much time in your day the snakes take up and take away from quality time with him. It can't be just about the number of animals you have, as you really don't have a lot.

I get the feeling that we don't have the whole story.

Hm I would have a talk with him about it and if he was still goin to give me a ultimatum then I would take a step back and look at the relationship.

But you also said it was because of a new landlord? Ehh well idk what to say on that except I wouldn't move if it means givin up my animals.:colbert:

You guys have it all figured out. Great advice based on a few paragraphs. Brilliant! :cool:

Just remember, there's three sides to every story and you've only heard very little of one. :colbert:

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Originally Posted by JohnNJ

You guys have it all figured out. Great advice based on a few paragraphs. Brilliant! :cool:

Just remember, there's three sides to every story and you've only heard very little of one. :colbert:

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I suppose you're ASSuming that no one who has bothered to answer this post bother or was able to take that into consideration.

Ahhh, if ONLY we were all as smart as you make yourself out to be. What a JOY the world then would be.

The advice she's been given has been pretty good. She's young and if I recall correctly doesn't have much family to fall back on. So we're it for now.

IF she's lying or omitting, she'll learn the folly of that as she proceeds with the move. IF she's not, then hopefully she'll find what she needs here.

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Originally Posted by wilomn

Ahhh, if ONLY we were all as smart as you make yourself out to be. What a JOY the world then would be.

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Of course I didn't mean you. Your advice is always spot on.

BTW, I am quite smart. I did not give any advice since I did not know all of the facts. No advice is better than bad advice.

Boyfriends come and go.

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Originally Posted by JohnNJ

. No advice is better than bad advice.

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You have every right to believe as you will. No matter how wrong you are.

I'm ASSuming you're saying my advice to her was bad.

But then, in your unASSuming way, you've said I was spot on.

Let me give you some advice.

Pick one story and stick to it.

Or is that bad advice that would be better not given at all?

I suppose you're very smart enough to figure that out now, aren'tcha?

Action or at least an attempt to help in some way (a la "bad advice") over indifference ("No advice...") would be my choice 100% of the time. But that's just me.

Go ahead and get rid of ALL your pets, give up ALL your hobbies and just wait on his every whim. You'll end up doing it anyway from your responses.

You're obviously not that upset over giving away your pets, since you immediately make excuses as to why it's okay for him to demand that you do it.

Later the excuses will be for more severe things, but you are willing to be treated like that, then nothing an online community says or does will have any impact on you. You make all the decisions for your own life. If you like having him dictate what you are "allowed" to do, what you are "allowed" to keep, who you are "allowed" to talk to and so on.. then go ahead and give your pets away now. He'll only demand that you get rid of all of them later, make the full break now.

At the same time, you'll probably want to tell any of your friends that you can't hang out with them or talk to them online or on the phone any more. Guys who demand a girl give away pets won't hesitate to demand they have no friends later. Oh sure... it'll be an excuse of "He's just jealous of the time I spend talking on the phone... he thinks that guy friend of mine might be flirting with me.. I don't spend enough time with him doing his hobbies..."

It's your life. Live it at his whim. Your choice. Now you can always respond with the "you don't understand him!" type thing, but I most likely won't see the response, and I don't really care that much, since it's not MY life. I wouldn't allow some jealous petty boy to dictate to me how I live and what I do. That's not "love". But if it works for you, enjoy it.

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Originally Posted by wilomn

I suppose you're ASSuming that no one who has bothered to answer this post bother or was able to take that into consideration.

Ahhh, if ONLY we were all as smart as you make yourself out to be. What a JOY the world then would be.

The advice she's been given has been pretty good. She's young and if I recall correctly doesn't have much family to fall back on. So we're it for now.

IF she's lying or omitting, she'll learn the folly of that as she proceeds with the move. IF she's not, then hopefully she'll find what she needs here.

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Thank you I took everyones advice and left him today, broke off the engagement, and I havent said a word to him since this morning but Im glad everyone can help here because you are right my family is crap they dont help with a single thing....its breaking my heart right now completely but I just want to thank everyone Im so confused right now but it was good advice

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Originally Posted by python_addict

Thank you I took everyones advice and left him today, broke off the engagement, and I havent said a word to him since this morning but Im glad everyone can help here because you are right my family is crap they dont help with a single thing....its breaking my heart right now completely but I just want to thank everyone Im so confused right now but it was good advice

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It may be hard now, but I believe you did the right thing. You will hopefully find someone who appreciates your interests! You should never have to taylor your life to fit someone elses mold. We are all here if/when you need us! Be strong! :)

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Originally Posted by DemmBalls

Be strong! :)

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thanks but thats extremely hard to do lol

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Originally Posted by python_addict

thanks but thats extremely hard to do lol

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If you need to talk/rant/cry feel free to message me. I can give you my # or email. I sympathize fully, and want you to know that even though you don't really know me nor I you, I'm here for you if you need :)

Better to break up now and still have your snakes than break up a year down the road and have nothing :gj:

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Originally Posted by Anatopism

If you need to talk/rant/cry feel free to message me. I can give you my # or email. I sympathize fully, and want you to know that even though you don't really know me nor I you, I'm here for you if you need :)

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Wow thank you! so much you dont even know :) even just saying that made it a little better thank you soo soo much and ill be sure to message you when I need :)

There are a LOT of good guys out there who share your interests. Go to any reptile show and you'll see them. The thing is, many of the young ones, the ones close to you in age, don't know yet that they are good guys. They're still stuck being dorks and geeks and haven't "come into their growth" (in more ways than one and no, NOT that one) yet.

It's hard to make life changing decisions especially when you so little life experience. Think twice move once. You're well able to do the intellectual part, you know that, and you can do the rest, the physical part, actually moving and moving on with some hard work, maybe a few tears, but secure you've done the best thing for you. That's important. Don't forget you need to take care of you first.

You go girl:D Your snake babies are worth the loss, you'll see. Maybe you should celebrate by getting a new one!

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Originally Posted by Melissuhhh

You go girl:D Your snake babies are worth the loss, you'll see. Maybe you should celebrate by getting a new one!

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Im getting new new girls to breed this year :D lol this weekend hopefully

(Becky of Amon Ra)
I just saw this and didn't get a chance to give you advice on your situation. I however can tell you that I've been there and I know how it feels. I know that your thinking " I'll give him another chance" or how much you miss him and asking yourself " what if I was wrong"
I was with a guy who controlled EVERYTHING I did. I gave up my friends and never saw my family. I was in
4-H and waisted my parents time and money they spent on the animals, and that's one thing I regret most. Im by no means the best but I was good at showing and I won first place and grand champions and best of the county. I went to the huge NAILE show in ky. My last two years of 4H I was so lol devoted to that €|+{€{+ I just didnt spend any time with my animals. The one thing I loved I threw away. I flushed away my chances of winning a few different awards you can only get your final year of 4H. In fact I didnt even go to the fair my last year. Because of him. His controlling way turned to abuse. Despite my friends telling me what I couldn't see I stayed. It wasn't until he really did a number on me that I realized I was a dumb ^$$.
Just make sure you made this choice because you wanted it and not because people here said to. We don't want you hating us because you left him over what we said. Just know that will can and will find a guy that loves snakes as much as you do. I know I did lol. Once you find someone who shares your hobby it's awesome. Not to mention bad in a way because he will be right there with you saying " sure we can afford that pied and that mystic" " you know you want it" or Scott's most recent excuse for spending a bunch of money we really didnt have on a pewter... " but I know you've been wanting one" lol.
Just hang in there. It will get easier.

Definitely sounds like you made a good decision. This is a good forum, and many of the members here are helpful and usually willing to send a bit of good advice.

The girlfriend doesn't really understand any of my hobbies, but usually is alright with me doing my own thing. I don't know though, if I was ever given an ultimatum, I can assure you that it would backfire on the person trying to control me. I am a human, and I am my own. Try to remember that about yourself.

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Originally Posted by wilomn

Jealousy is all....

Jealousy is enough.

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Bingo. In fact, jealousy is THE thing - and usually a sign that it will go downhill hard & fast. Trust me, I've been there done that!

P.S. I moved earlier this year with 25 snakes, and didn't leave any behind... I also didn't tell my landlord I have 25 (now 31) snakes, actually I didn't mention even one. Just sayin'. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by 3ofSwords

But you also said it was because of a new landlord? Ehh well idk what to say on that except I wouldn't move if it means givin up my animals.:colbert:

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Yeah, that too! In the last 17 years (since high school) I've moved probably 20+ times, and never gave up any pets just because I was moving... first thing I ask when looking for a new place is "do you allow pets," and if the answer is no I'm not moving there. I am mostly referring to the dog & cats, of course, since I figure anything caged is on a "don't ask don't tell" policy. ;)

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Originally Posted by Lolo76

Yeah, that too! In the last 17 years (since high school) I've moved probably 20+ times, and never gave up any pets just because I was moving... first thing I ask when looking for a new place is "do you allow pets," and if the answer is no I'm not moving there. I am mostly referring to the dog & cats, of course, since I figure anything caged is on a "don't ask don't tell" policy. ;)

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I so love that policy haha thanks for making me laugh lol yeah I need to get a racking system for all my snakes.....and the 2 that are coming.....

P.S. Glad to read now that you left the dud... if that's what you really wanted, of course. Don't worry, you will eventually find someone else much better - and years from now if anyone asks about this ex, you'll say "who??" :P

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Originally Posted by python_addict

I so love that policy haha thanks for making me laugh lol yeah I need to get a racking system for all my snakes.....and the 2 that are coming.....

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Yes, it is a good policy! LOL

Rack systems are great, not to mention easy to "mask" from people who don't need to see your snakes. Just drape a sheet across the front, and voila - it's a creative bookshelf or decorated dresser! :D

I didn't go through and read all of the comments yet, I am just all fired up over reading the OPs thread! Ultimatums are NOT okay. I would NEVER EVERRRRR ever! get involved with someone who told me something like that. Take it from me, who got married young and had a child young and was in a very abusive and controlling relationship, that is a red flag of things to come. I went through hell to get where I am now.

I am now in a relationship and I am SO happy. My boyfriend was aware that I come with my son and my animals. And he is completely aware that I will not change for anything. Compromise of course is key, I know there will be times I want something and really shouldn't, and won't. He would NEVER tell me "me or the snakes", to me, that's like saying "me or your kid". It's part of who I am, and part of who you are! Don't change that! If he's not okay with your passion then let him walk, because I guarantee you will find someone who will be okay with it, and will love you for it, and will not get in the way of it.

Sorry for the rant, this kind of thing just drives me crazy. Gives me flashbacks to my ex husband...ugh :rage:

Edit: I just want to add that my boyfriend never disliked reptiles but he never thought he'd get into them. He now bought a male ghost ball python, a red foot tortoise (which is mine, I just tell him she's his lol), and he's getting a bearded dragon this weekend.

Second post..

I just read that you left him. Only you can know if you made the right choice, but from my end you did. I was married young and stuck it out for 3 1/3 years before I finally realized that trying to control something as "small" as what I love to do turned into controlling everything. Getting jealous over something you love is a red flag, period.

Like someone else said, be strong. It only hurts for a while, you just have to look at the bigger picture. I was stupid enough to get into another unhealthy relationship after my ex husband, I went through a lot of pain but stuck through it. Now, all that hard work has paid off. I'm so happy, with someone who accepts me even with everything. My son, my pets, my job, everything. Good luck, if you need someone to talk to you can always PM me. For my age, I've been through it.

Just now seeing this too.. I read it all and I'm proud of you. I have had many relationships go bad, and you are stronger now because of this. It was a learning experience and now you know not to let guys treat you that way.

My fiance thought getting a snake was cool, but he is disinterested most of the time. However sometimes I come home and he tells me he took one out to show a friend or just to look at it. He doesn't do it often, but I can see him gaining interest very slowly.

Just find someone that accepts you and everything you do, no matter if they like it or not. And don't go searching for someone just yet. Take time to heal, and then someone will pounce on you when you last expect it to happen.

And willomn is correct ... there are lots of guys out there that don't know they are good guys yet, nerdy types etc. My fiance is the prime example... He had never had a girlfriend, was on the baseball team in high school but never talked to girls. Was a class clown but very shy towards the opposite sex. A mutual coworker told him I liked him on his birthday and said he should message me and after much coercion he did. We fell in love almost immediately, and he is the best guy I have ever been with, sweet, caring, knows all the right moves and he never has been with anyone else. I couldn't ask for better. Look where it may be unexpected :)

So proud of you girl!!! You said yourself it was a good thing, now when days get tough and you are feeling down, just remind yourself that You said It's a good thing!

It will get better and easier every day.