Depression

So I have depression that has very odd triggers. I can deal with death no problem. My friends describe my way of dealing with family members dieing as cold because I dont show any outward emotion such as crying or anything like that. I write about my feelings and thats the way in deal with those feelings and that is what actually helps me. My depression is caused from being alone. It seems that no matter how many people are around me I still feel alone and cant find a way to fill that gap. There is no dating scene around here and if by chance i am interested in someone she is either not interested in me at all or ends up being interested in me til she meets some other guy and ends up with him. It has got to the point where i have given up on finding anyone at all bc if i was to find someone something would happen. Ive been single for a year and a half now and in that time i have met 3 ppl ive been interested in and one was a great friend and in her words she didnt want to risk the friendship, one just wasnt attracted to me, and one led me on for 2 months and is now dating my roommate..... i dont know where i go wrong... i care, im honest, im open about anything and everything, i give space so im not smothering or anything like that, i am willing to give whoever im with all of me, i work, i dont do drugs been clean for 11 years, i dont drink... and no matter how i try to be happy with my life as is i cant be.... i dont feel like im a whole person anymore bc of the constant reminders of me being single... in my house i live with 2 couples so that just drives me further down every day... some days are better than others but every night i get the same reminder i always get which me goin to bed alone and everyone else goin to bed with someone. i just dont know how to handle this depression and lately its been gettin worse, to the point i sleep at most 4 hours a night and wake up to the same dreams of me diein alone... and that is my biggest fear.... well i cant think of anything else to say and sorry for the rambling just kinda typed as it came out of my head.

I oddly used to have those same feelings. I couldn't be without a girlfriend for fear of being alone. I would sit and just get more.depressed because I was sitting there but I didn't have anything else to do. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that worked with my doctor that I actually started to get better. I self diagnosed myself with both extreme depression.disorder and manic bipolar disorder....which I was later also discovered by my doctor. I used to cut and burn everyday to give myself some relief. It got to the point where I talked about dying daily and actually ended up in the psych Ward for a day or so till they could calm me down...they finally got me on the right medicine to help me. Trazadone for depression and insomnia, prozak for depression, and abilify for my bipolar disorder. There is hope out there but you can't just sit there and expect the world to fix itself I have learned that the hard way. If you really feel this way a therapist would be your best bet. They really are great listeners and can tell you what's really going on. Hope this helps you feel somewhat less alone.

Kevin Bullis

I have been going to a therapist, on my third one actually, and all that stuff any meds they put me on actually make things worse and my current therapist says it is all in my head and nothing is actually wrong bc no meds work.... I dont expect the world to fix its self to my standards in any way at all. I know things about myself need to change and that is a daily task and the changes that were needed a year ago are no longer needed and now its just minor things that are not severe at all other than the depression. I can deal with anything except being alone and dont know how to get past that.

I just read this thread.. pondered for quite a while, and couldn't quite figure out the right thing to say in response to something that I have never quite experienced personally. I decided to click back to the forum and wait for someone else to tackle it head on. When I saw there was a response I clicked back and just read what Kevin wrote. I really appreciate your advice that you have given, Kevin.. and I really hope that he listens and takes it to heart. I lost my best best best buddy 2 yrs ago to a suicide. He started acting differently only 2 months prior to him taking his life and I had no idea what or why he was acting the way he was. He was either wired to the point that he could only sleep 2 or 3hours a night or was down in the dumps and didn't feel like doing anything. Before I, or his family or anyone else around him could really put a finger on what was happening, we found him in his house after putting a 20 guage in his mouth. This was the worst day of my life, and no doubt continues to effect me everyday.

Now I am in no way saying that the OP is suicidal in anyway, all I am saying is that if you are strong enough to suspect that there is something going on in your life that you are not comfortable with and you know that you can be happier.. then please, use Kevin's advice. Don't let it get to the point that you feel it is getting worse. I am no therapist myself, but I just know how serious things like this can get from my past experiences with losing my buddy. Hell, it could be something easier then you think to deal with/handle/get rid of. There are people out there that know all about these things and who can listen, and who can teach you how to deal with it. Just promise your friends here at BPnet that you will at least consider finding someone to listen to what's on your mind. It will ease our minds.. and most importantly, it will ease yours. I have never met you, I believe Kevin has never met you.. however we both have had similar experiences relate to us in some way or another -- some more extreme then others.. we care man. Best of luck, and always remember, every day is a mission: a mission to make yourself as happy as you possibly can. ;)

Sorry.. a typed that last message during when you were typing yours. I didn't get a chance to read it until after I posted.

I guess all I can say is read my last sentence I wrote and take it to heart man.

I take all advice to heart.The biggest reason for me posting on here is because of the poor advice and treatment I have received from therapists. I figure at the very least I will get a different point of view and try a few different things. As of right now I am looking for a different therapist tho.

Just keep at it bro. Whether it is therapy, working at it yourself, talking to family, friends, or strangers on BPnet.. don't ever give up on making yourself happy. best advice I ever took to heart. Hang in there man.. you WILL find someone that you are compatible with someday. Guaranteed it will happen when you least expect it.

Gotta keep that glass half full.

Maybe you're trying to hard at finding somebody and should just let it come when it comes,u should try things that make you feel good about youre self like a hobby. I used to have problems trusting people and would feel like animals were the only things i can trust in this world,so i started counceling but didn't really help, after that i got into boxing and thats what i do now , i lost like 80 pounds and now im in the best shape ever , theres always people with positive atittudes in the gym and make you also feel positive .try finding a hobby that has to do with people around that share the same interest.

When it comes to love just let it come , stop looking for it ,love doesnt work that way, i havent had a girlfriend in like 2 years bro and im always positive,theres nothing wrong with me i just like being single i was actually on a date yesterday, so you gotta stop with this negative energy, thats what alot people see about you, how youre energy is , they dont want somebody negative .dude alot of people are amazed of how much positive energy i have because i had a horrible childhood i was raised in los angeles on the poorest side of town .i used too watch how my dad beat up my mom everyday, and how my dad would get wasted everyday, we lived in a small dirty trailer with no money at all after a while my mom left and i havent seen her since , after she left i started living in the streets becuase i was scared of living with my dad. I lost my only sister when i was 13 she actually killed her self in the bathroom with overdoze, my bestfriend was shot in the chest right next too me, and then i started going crazy and i started going the wrong way in life so i did jail time for 2 years and when i was in there i started thinking about how my life would be better if i lived my life right,after i got out my aunt took me in cause my dad disapeared. And now im a totally different person i changed my attitude towards life and decided too be happy cause i cant possibly think that my life could of got any worsier, now i finshed school and im actually doing everything right in life...so what im saying is that most people in this world go threw such much pain and suffering like i did but that just makes you more stronger.

So just keep you're head up and think positive, try to become more social and go explore new places , and i promise man that theres always someone right for everybody and yours will come soon but first fix you're self first:d

i can definitly relate. ive always been alienated from everyone, and felt lonely. it was so bad that now even though ive been in a faithful relationship for almost 3 years now, the mere thought of ever being alone freaks me out so bad i constantly have to be around somebody.... i have just too many issues. im honestly surprised that ive made it through the years. Sounds so melodramatic but its true.

I know exactly what you mean... With me it doesnt matter how many people are around me or how much i care about them its that i dont have someone for me. I am generally a very happy person til I am alone like at night when I go to bed or something like that but in public no one can tell that im not happy. Anyone that knows me will say im a very happy person... Other than to a therapist and 2 of my very close friends I havent talked about any of this so no one really knows what is goin on in my head ya know. I go at everyday looking for the positive and finding it everywhere. My goal every day is 10 things that make me happy. So I find 10 things that make me happy and focus on them and keep a good attitude all day.... atleast til im alone thats when I cant seem to focus anymore and start the spiral down.

I believe that until you can fix what's broken inside of you, you won't be able to be happy even IF you have a girlfriend. Rather than being able to enjoy the blessing of the relationship, you would worry and fret about something "going wrong" and ruining it. Which, inevitably turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy because someone that worried about the negatives tends to bring those negatives about themselves.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you have to be able to be alone with yourself. No girlfriend can "make you happy." That's way too much burden to place on another person. And no matter how close you are to another person, or how much time you spend with them, you will always be alone in your own head. We all are. So you have to fix what is in there, first.

It sounds like you have strategies for getting through the day and "being happy". Now you need to plan some very specific strategies for dealing with yourself in your own head. You CAN head off that spiral of negative thoughts and begin to turn them around to positive, healthy ideas if you really want to. Do YOU really WANT to change? Or do you just want a girlfriend who is supposed to fix everything for you?

I'm no therapist, but I could certainly get a lot more in depth about such things, and would love to try and help if you'd like to PM me. :)

I'm not a therapist, although I have seen and benefited from more than one shrink in my life...

I would like to expand on the point that Judy made. The "magical relationship" cure doesn't exist.

I dated a guy with what I term as "the crazies" for a few months in college and it was one of the most terrible times in my life. His refusal to get help for his baggage and depression and force it onto me was what ended our relationship ultimately. He thought getting a girlfriend would "fix" everything too. It didn't. It brought out a lot of bad things in him, and while he was never physically abusive or threatening (...except for that one time) but being in a volatile relationship worsened things by tenfold.

Now.. I am absolutely NOT saying that you are or ever could be this kind of crazy/depressed/fill in whatever term you feel is appropriate, or this is what would or could happen to you in a relationship, BUT, you need to take care of you first. Relationships that last are built on trust, love and respect. If a partner (and this goes for any relationship to the hypothetical you and not the actual OP) can not trust their other half, there are few things that could make the relationship work in the long term.

I can go into more detail if you'd like, PM me, but I don't want to derail your topic with off topic blabber. If your therapist isn't working for you, find one that is. They are supposed to work with you and help you. If they aren't then they are making things worse.

I agree with JLC. I have also gone through some major depression in my life. I don't do well in social situations either. That is one reason I love being online. My first suggestion was going to be medication and a therapist but since that has not been successful I suggest change in your life. Do something that you are excited about. Shake it up, but only in a positive way. It sounds like your living arrangement is hard. Can you move out, or get new single roommates? Sometimes change is helpful to get you out of it. I don't know if you have a dog but my dog helps me tremendously. She is always there for me and when I get depressed just having her there sometimes makes me feel better. Also having someone counting on you helps get you up and going when nothing else does. I also recommend major exercise. Exercise releases natural endorphins and will make you feel much better. It is really hard to get up and going when you are depressed but pushing through is the best way to get there.

Also, it is hard but you have to change your thinking. When you find yourself thinking a negative about yourself, force yourself to come up with 2 positives about yourself. Keep a gratitude Journal and force yourself to write down 5 things a day that you are grateful for, something you think others would be jealous of. They may start out small, and repetitive but over time you will notice other things, and discover how much you have, and how much you are capable of.

For me, it took me a long time to realize that sometimes the depression comes without a situational trigger. In the beginning I would look for what I was upset about and then before I knew it I made a mess of something that wasn't the problem. Finally realizing the depression isn't about my life helped me. Now I know that it is just something I have to get through and there is a light on the other side. Depression is lonely no matter how many people are around you. And it sounds like you have a lot of people around you with just your roommate situation.

As far as relationships we have a myth in our culture that a partner will solve everything, you know the Cinderella story. But the truth is a partner is like a good friend, they are there for you when you fall but they can't pick you up. They can just walk with you until you get through. In other words they can't fix it, you have to fix yourself. I am with the love of my life but when I get really depressed, I still feel lonely and not even he can stop that.

Just remember, you are not alone. You have people that love you, even if you don't see it. This is just a down time, and it will get better soon. And you will find the right person for you. Just don't try to force it with the wrong person, then you will be really lonely. Hang in there, and if you want someone to talk to message me.

PS it take the medicine about three months to start working. I don't know how long you gave it but just in case... Exercise is still the fastest pick me up and it has the added bonus of making you feel better about your self.

You'll be fine. I didn't really even date until my mid twenties. Sure, I brought girls to the movies, had dinner dates, and sleep overs(hee hee, whatever), etc., but never really had a girl friend. I, for whatever reason, felt like I had nothing to offer. Low income, crappy ride, etc.... I met my wife when I was 28. Before dating my wife I felt alone alot.

You'll meet the right girl!

How can you expect someone to love you, if you do not love yourself ?

Honestly, you can tell yourself all day long that you only give out positive and happy vibes. I have learned that body language is everything. We give it out and also read it quite well, only most people do that without realizing. What we do or say, how we portray ourselves, often differs greatly from what our body tells about ourselves.

You can act happy all you want, but instinctively people and esp. the other sex will know that you are desperate to find a mate. You make yourself the "perfect" mate, shaping yourself into this image of what you think should be just that. But I fear when you do that, you are not really yourself.

People pick up on that. No girl/woman want to be the universe of your life. We all always say we do, but in truth, no we do not. It carries far to much responsibility.

Learn to love yourself. Be yourself. Even if that is not the "perfect" boyfriend material. Find things you enjoy to do, and do them. Love life. Find the "little" things that matter. Go out into nature and really open your eyes to it, the beauty and miracle of it. Things we take for granted. Be good to yourself. Become "selfish" in that regard.

Once you learn to love and respect yourself, and be kinder on yourself, allow yourself to not be "perfect", let down your defenses, you will attract others, because you will be "real".

Don't make your whole purpose of life be dependent on finding a girlfriend. That relationship would have to carry such a heavy burden, it wouldn't survive.

I know all this is easier said then done. You may need the help of a good therapist. Or friends. Give up being the jolly good guy all the time, you are allowed to have a bad day no matter what others think or how they feel about it. Its what makes you human.

I understand that awful lonely feeling, esp. the one that comes in dreams. Its even more brutal then the loneliness we feel in real life. I've had dreams where I walk among people, yet they don't see or acknowledge me. They go about their lives and its as if I'm not there. I walk among familiar places and people, but I'm just a ghost. And that feeling of utter and devastating loneliness is worse then anything ever felt in real life. Those dreams can stay with you throughout the day, drag you down, make you fear going to sleep. The dread of them is precisely what will bring them on once again.

You'll have break the cycle. Embrace life and try to find joy in it. TRUE one, not the make believe "play" you put on for yourself and your friends/family. Again, be good and kind to yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. Good and bad.

You won't end up like in those dreadful dreams. You won't feel in real life, the gut wrenching pain and fear like you do in those dreams. When you are in the claws of depression, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to much effort sometimes to try to look for it. But you will get past this part of your life and when you do, it will be hard to remember how you were ever feeling quite so low.

Hang in there, it gets better.

Sorry for being long winded.

I thank everyone for all the advice and believe it or not I do everything that has been said. I do love myself very much and I am beyond happy with who I am. I work out daily and keep myself in great shape, look at my profile for a pretty recent pic, I have pets that I love ranging from snakes, duh, to cats and a dog as well as a few pet rats and some lizards. I would get a bird but well I hate them with a passion lol. I spend a lot of time in nature doing what I love doing which is camping, hiking, field herping, things like that. I go out and socialize when I have the time but usually just dont want to go through all the gettin ready to go out that I usually just have people come by or something like that. I didnt say that a girlfriend would fix everything because I know full well that isnt going to happen. I have admitted that there are problems I have that I need to work on and I am working on them. My biggest problem is that I am a people pleaser so I always put my friends before myself which I know is not a good way to live life. That is pretty much the hardest one for me to change. When I said I feel alone it is the emotional alone not physical. Maybe I took some of this wrong but honestly it feels as though some of the reply's are mildly attacking but odds are it is just me takin things wrong. As to meds the only one that worked I developed an allergy to and it didnt really help all that much. After about 5 months of taking it the dosage wasnt enough and my depression would hit out of nowhere, when I am not medicated the depression is more like a slow decline down and then a slow climb up on meds it is a huge drop off and then a struggle to recover from. I think that made sense lol. Anyways I am rambling again so gonna stop before I am not understandable anymore.

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Originally Posted by tattlife2001

I thank everyone for all the advice and believe it or not I do everything that has been said. I do love myself very much and I am beyond happy with who I am. I work out daily and keep myself in great shape, look at my profile for a pretty recent pic, I have pets that I love ranging from snakes, duh, to cats and a dog as well as a few pet rats and some lizards. I would get a bird but well I hate them with a passion lol. I spend a lot of time in nature doing what I love doing which is camping, hiking, field herping, things like that. I go out and socialize when I have the time but usually just dont want to go through all the gettin ready to go out that I usually just have people come by or something like that. I didnt say that a girlfriend would fix everything because I know full well that isnt going to happen. I have admitted that there are problems I have that I need to work on and I am working on them. My biggest problem is that I am a people pleaser so I always put my friends before myself which I know is not a good way to live life. That is pretty much the hardest one for me to change. When I said I feel alone it is the emotional alone not physical. Maybe I took some of this wrong but honestly it feels as though some of the reply's are mildly attacking but odds are it is just me takin things wrong. As to meds the only one that worked I developed an allergy to and it didnt really help all that much. After about 5 months of taking it the dosage wasnt enough and my depression would hit out of nowhere, when I am not medicated the depression is more like a slow decline down and then a slow climb up on meds it is a huge drop off and then a struggle to recover from. I think that made sense lol. Anyways I am rambling again so gonna stop before I am not understandable anymore.

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I hope my reply didn't sound attacking. I didn't mean it that way if it did. I just know how bad depression sucks and I hope you find your way out soon. You will find the right girl some day stick in there.