cheating

Personal experience:

My ex boyfriend and I (common law at the time) were together for 6 years. It turns out that he had been cheating on me for the past two years of our relationship with a co-worker. He often took shift work and worked graveyards, so he'd say things like: "They're calling me in, I need to go work a double-shift." Yeah. It wasn't a double shift. I found out about this cheating after someone congratulated me on the baby I was going to have. I'm like: "I'm not pregnant..." As such, I pieced it together, found out which co-worker was pregnant and confronted her to ask what was going on.

Turns out he had told her that he'd left me, but that -he- owned the house and -I- refused to leave. Because I couldn't find an apartment or some BS. He made me out to be a bad 'wife' to everyone, apparently. Told them I could never please him, that I was rude and ignored him, etc etc. Truth was, I doted on him hand and foot! So I felt not only hurt by his cheating, but by the fact he told everyone I was a horrible person who treated him badly. Yet I would get up early and cook 'dinner' for him when he got home from his 'graveyard' shifts at 4am. Yep. Horrible 'wife'.

In the end, I realized it was because I wouldn't do certain 'adult' things that he wanted to do, so he went elsewhere to look for it. We broke up, obviously. And the same thing happened.

"It was a mistake. I didn't realize how much I needed you until you weren't there. I treated you badly. Let me show you I've changed!" Blah blah blah.

At first, yes, I wanted to give him a second chance. But as I sat back, I started to realize he didn't always treat me right. He was angry. He had thrown and broke a few things when we were fighting. If he talked crud about me to other people, then did he really care after all? So I told him No. And that just made him try harder to get involved in my life. Including stalking and creating fake Facebook accounts. Asking my friends where I worked, what hours. Calling my boss to try and get me fired so I'd be at my house more often. Just general craziness.

And I'm SO GLAD I never took him back. He could have changed, but every time I said no, he seemed to get more and more angry about it. It's like he only wanted me because he couldn't have me. And while he had me, he wanted someone else. You can't live with a guy like that, because he'll never be 100% honest with himself, and therefore could never be honest with you.

I found out later that he was sleeping with two other girls as well as his new girlfriend (who had his baby). If I had taken him back like he asked, I would've made a huge mistake. He wasn't going to stop what he was doing. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

I believe that some guys can change, but when it comes to this... I believe it isn't as automatic as they made it out to be. "Oh I'll change I'll change!" I doubt that. But maybe in time they can adjust to realize what they want in life.

Cheating is when people are unhappy about something. Until he knows why he was unhappy with his relationship with you, then taking him back will resolve nothing.

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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If he loved her then why did he cheat on her?

Guys ARE very sexual creatures. Women arent sexual creatures? It takes two to tango, bud.

What cheating spouse WOULDNT go out of their way to make sure the other doesnt find out? That makes ZERO sense. Thats why its called cheating...

There ARE alot of temptations out there. But if you love someone then they arent really temptations to you bc you already have exactly what you want.

Youre either her cheating spouse or like a 14y/o boy. Please dont talk like this, your making us males look bad.

OP: By taking him back youre only showing him that he can get away with it. Next time he'll just be more careful to cover it up. When you catch him again next time all he's gunna have to do is change his number again.

I have been involved in more then one serious/long term relationship. I have been on the cheating end, and the cheated end. I can tell you first hand that some things are extremely situational, and that once a cheater DOES NOT mean always a cheater. I also believe that if someone cheats once, and they feel deep regret, there is a very good chance they will never make that mistake again in their life, with you or anyone else. Sometimes people need to find ways to figure out how they feel; other times it is as simple as losing control with an alcohol filled night. When I made my mistake, I had to talk to my closest friend about it over and over because of the amount of guilt I was dealing with. Of course I wanted to admit my fault to my partner at the time, but I knew it would destroy her, and do nothing other than crumble our relationship while causing her to deal with the pain that I needed off my chest. So rather than telling her, I decided that the regret I felt was mine to bare, and that telling her was simply a selfish act. In the end we are no longer together, but for different reasons, and we left one another on good terms. To this day she does not know that I slipped up, and I will continue to bare that truth on my own.

I have a very simple rule of thumb when it comes to cheating:
- If you do it once, make sure I never find out because I don't want to know. If you did it and know you are not happy with me, leave me and move on.
- If you do it twice, I still do not want to know, but this is a clear sign that you are not happy where you are and you should move on.
- If you tell me, don't expect me to want to stay.

People make mistakes; life and love are not perfect...

I'd leave him. Find someone better.

My views on cheating changed significantly with my current relationship. Before I had a pretty casual "Well if it's the right situation maybe they can have a second chance" but I realized that trust is 110% what makes me secure in relationships. If I don't trust someone, or respect them (their word) then no matter how much I loved them, the relationship itself would be a sham. When I was younger I still tried, but my insecurities and nervousness just made me unhappy as well as the other party.

Now I'm with someone who I can get along with completely, trust, and I respect him as well. We communicate very efficiently, honest about when something is bothering us, and we bring out the best in each other (He keeps me from turning into an anti social hermit and I keep him grounded). There's not a question in my mind that I can trust him to go out partying/drinking (if he feels like doing so) and he won't mess around on the side, or if he tells me he has long hours at work. In the past he's been in train wreck type relationships, cheated on his girlfriends, slept around (-a lot-), and when we were first deciding to be monogamous he was still getting calls from girls who were wanting him to keep their flings going. But he's been nothing but honest about ALL of it, told me from the beginning everything from his sexual history to his criminal past. I don't have any illusions about it, maybe he'll get tired of the relationship someday and want something else, but I know for a fact he'll tell me, and not just sneak around so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Cheaters can definitely change, but generally not for the relationship they were struggling in (or out of). You deserve to find someone who can respect you, your love, and let you know if they ever feel like they're looking elsewhere. The "I'm sorry! I'll change! I didn't realize what I had!" defense disgusts me somewhat, and is a huge red flag. If he can truly change for you, he needs to show you and earn it, not beg like a kid who got caught sneaking into the pantry late at night for candy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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:D:P I couldnt help it.. so are you the fiance?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stickyalvinroll

i think he loves you. guys are very sexual creatures. he went out of his way for you not to find out. so give him another chance. there's a lot of temptations out there. some are just too tempting.

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I just have to quote this one really quick....

Some temptations are just too much? So a guy's 'little head' will make decisions for you? That must mean that some men are just completely incapable of resisting temptation. That must be very difficult. Imagine all those poor guys with the inability to resist temptation. They just have to act on all their impulses. They can't control it. It's not their fault. It's their body's fault. Silly body and their impulses. You just can't avoid. Thoughts come into your mind, impulses, urges. You can't deny those sometimes. Not unlike rapists, or pedophiles.... I mean, it must not be their fault, right? Some things are just too tempting to resist. Too tempting, even if it's morally wrong :weirdface:

A. Just so you know it has nothing to do with his friends.. that is the dumbest excuse.. He didnt do that girl because his friends told him too he did it because he wanted to and that is that.

B. Keeping it from you is not a possitive.

C. If you give him another chance.. call off your engagement. Take pre-marital counceling, and for the love of god give it time before you decide you want to marry him.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

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Originally Posted by Vasiliki

I just have to quote this one really quick....

Some temptations are just too much? So a guy's 'little head' will make decisions for you? That must mean that some men are just completely incapable of resisting temptation. That must be very difficult. Imagine all those poor guys with the inability to resist temptation. They just have to act on all their impulses. They can't control it. It's not their fault. It's their body's fault. Silly body and their impulses. You just can't avoid. Thoughts come into your mind, impulses, urges. You can't deny those sometimes. Not unlike rapists, or pedophiles.... I mean, it must not be their fault, right? Some things are just too tempting to resist. Too tempting, even if it's morally wrong :weirdface:

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On a related note, I once saw something on facebook (can't remember if it was a picture or just text now) that said that all men should be offended when it comes up that a woman was "asking for it" (rape or otherwise) by how she dressed. Not because of the demeaning view on women, but because it assumes that all men can't control their urges and are rapists/crazed sex addicts by nature

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Valentine Pirate

On a related note, I once saw something on facebook (can't remember if it was a picture or just text now) that said that all men should be offended when it comes up that a woman was "asking for it" (rape or otherwise) by how she dressed. Not because of the demeaning view on women, but because it assumes that all men can't control their urges and are rapists/crazed sex addicts by nature

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No woman ever asks to be raped. It is ridiculous that anyone can justify rape under any circumstances. Decent men can control themselves.