Ladies of Bp.Net, I need some help.

I have to agree with the overall mood. He sounds like a controller, while my husband doesnt care for reptiles at all, and he even has the excuse that I didnt own any when we got together, <I was dead broke, but thats another story> I have four bp's now. He drove with me the four hour round trip to a recent expo that he was bored to tears at, AND was going to allow me to buy a dinker female Id spotted if she hadnt been removed for sale.
Sharing passions isnt always a requirement, but an understanding/support of them at the very least is.

I also fail to see where someone without a degree gets to pyscho analyze you after only a few months and tell you, your hobby is a crutch.

As stated earlier you are an attractive girl, move up and move on. You can do WAY better.

Hi, You have gotten really good advice.
I was in a situation very much like yours. The thing is the control starts out very subtle. The whole making you feel bad about being the person you are is the start of it. Thats how you are made to give up whats important to you.Because in a sense he is telling you just being you is wrong and you need to change that. I had motorcycles and a dirt bike and when my ex moved into my house with me. He started on me about them and about me getting rid of them, and it was mostly due to his insecurities. He couldnt ride and didnt like the fact that it was a part of me that made me very independant. So I sold my dirtbike and 9 yrs after the fact I still regret it. He then started on my animals constently complaining about them, and getting to a point were he wasnt nice to them. The more I didnt do what he wanted the more frustrated he became and the worse it got for me and my animals. That was it and I got rid of him. You are a very independant women and there are people in this world who cant handle that. Well to bad is what I say. I have the best boyfriend in the world now.We have been together for 5 yrs. How do I know he is the best. If you saw half of the crazy shananagans I have put this man through from dragging him to the worst part of newark nj to save a 11yr old beagle that was gonna be put to sleep to building a huge turkey coop that he named the turkey taj Mahal in our yard. (mind you we dont live on a farm either). He wasnt a animal person when I met him but he respects that animals are what makes me the person I am. Thats the person he fell in love with. You need to not give up who you are for anyone.
Christine

Like all douche bags, he just wants to control you as much as possible because he knows you are the best he will ever get!

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Originally Posted by musicalKeyes

Excellent advice above. However, here's one more aspect. I can't speak from firsthand experience, but I've a friend who started off the same way, and six months later we started seeing the bruises. Controlling like this is often the first step towards abuse. I'm not saying he is an abuser, but don't get sucked in. You have years to find the right guy, and you will find one who is all this guy is and more, who will not only deal with your passions but take them as his own.

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I've thought about this, because he does have a temper and hates being disrespected. He's joked around about... stuff if I am 'jokingly' being sarcastic with him he'll say something like "Woman don't make me slap you, did you just say that to me?"

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Originally Posted by Foschi Exotic Serpents

Shall I do more than highlight it?

You already know whats ups. He made you happy and you thought he was different because he was "woooing" you. Now 2 months later he is trying the controlling thing. I dont see it as a definate sign of impending abuse only because he may be the one who is dependant. So dependant on you that he can have it no other way. It actually sounds like he is trying to fullfill his own insecurities without appearing less manly. I actually had a boyfriend just like this. He wouldnt hurt a fly and never would have raised a hand or a voice to me, but he was very insecure and had a subtle control over me. Wanting to know what I was doing 24/7 and getting suspicious if I was anywhere without him. Difference is, my ex accepted my hobbies. Wether he agreed or not so It wasnt the exact same as your situation.

It is definately a bad sign though. Either he will become controlling and possibly abusive, or he will be an untrusting, insecure wreck if you are not glued to him. Niether is good. Just dont let him push you into anything. He says move in, you say no, thats that. If he continues to get worse you will need nothing more from him.

Your animals are your life and soul. Anyone who loves you would love your passions and the way they make you smile. Because seeing your significant other just light up when they see something like that, should make anyone in their presence smile. The happiness a passion and hobby like this can bring a person is contagious. In my mind, even if my boyfriend couldnt stand snakes, if he saw me smile at a beautiful animal and comment on it, he should at least be happy that Im happy. Otherwise there is something inhuman about him and I dont want to be with that person.

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Originally Posted by rabernet

This was the red blinking light in your original post for me.

What sort of long term relationship can you have with another person who doesn't even share common interests with you?

You are a beautiful young lady. I'm not sure how old you are, but I can tell you when I was in my early 20's, I went through a period of very low self esteem and thought that I "needed" to have a man in my life to be truly happy.

It took me being alone for 3 years (during my mid/late 20's) to learn to love myself. To do things for ME - to be selfish for ME. To acknowledge to myself that I did not NEED a man in my life to be an incredible woman in my own right.

Karl (who I have been with for 14 years now) does not have the same passion that I have for the reptiles, but never once has he told me that I can't add a new animal, or that I have to get rid of any of them. He doesn't care so much for the shows, but he LOVES going to the shows for the social aspect of it. Most shows we go to are out of town and weekend get aways, and he loves the folks (many of them from here) that we've met through this hobby. He even asks when the next show is. I think he looks forward to seeing the people we've met through this hobby as much as I do.

Bottom line - drop him - the warning signs are all there about his controlling nature, in month TWO no less. It can only lead to resentment and hard feelings in the long term. Cut your ties, and start doing things for YOU. If you like to volunteer, start to do more of that in your community - you never know who you might meet who also has a giving spirit - though don't volunteer as a means to meet someone, that would just be a pleasant possibility if it were to happen.

You will be fine! I promise!

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I am 21 years old, I was raised not to be dependant on someone.. and i've done my best to not do that, and he's asking me to take down walls that i've built my whole life because of experiences I've had. Like it means nothing.

Thank you guys so much for replying, it mean's a lot. I just need to get the guts to actually confront him about this, and see how he takes it and tell him straight up how I feel. If he isn't going to accept the things I love, and just sit and for once listen to me then I guess he can go looking for a girl who will be his personal puppy dog.

this guy is unhappy with his life. he sees you enjoying your animals and it bothers him because he doesn't have that same type of enjoyment out of something in life.

dump him.

I'm going to give you my 2 cents if you don't mind . This is a male perspective this guy you are describing sounds a lot like a friend of mine. He gets a girlfriend and in 3 months they are living together and in 5 months they are seperated and she has a restraining order. He is controlling but moreso CLINGY. Examples...if she goes out he constantly texts her ....calls her what's to know where she is who she is with and what she is doing at all times ....how much she is drinking. He will also get mad over the craziest of things. Trust me if this guy really loves you he will understand why you are not gonna jump the gun and move out only after 2 months. I'm 23 and my fiancee is 22 we have been together for 5 years now and just moved in together october 2009 and even we have problems sometimes but never with my reptiles I have 8 snake and 1 leopard gecko and she is afraid of all of them but she knows I love them so she doesn't mind them. But if this guy is going to be a CONTROLLER ...u need to run because he will never change and it gets worse I've seen it happen ..


PS.. I love my buddy he is the Best man in my wedding in October but the way he is with the ladies eeehhh he could improve. I hope I can help ya

Know the difference between compromise and control.

Compromise means he enjoys being around you. He maynot understand your passion for snakes but your worth dealing with the snakes to be with.

Control means he wants to be with you but only if he can have the parts he likes and get rid of the parts he doesn't

I love my wife there are things that we compromise on my snakes being one of them. I wanted more snakes she wanted them out of the house, so we compromised we renovated an addition to the house that is now the snake room. We both got what we wanted..But I'll tell you, she wouldn't have ever left me or asked me to get rid of them..

Independance in a woman is a very sexy trait. Most stable men like a women that while she doesn't have to have him around to live she can't live with out him.. ;)

i'm similar to the nooblet ur goin out with in that i want to see my gf 24/7. due to the massive overtime i just recieved in the last week, i only get to see my gf every sunday :( so maybe its okay that i feel that way? idk

idk.. i'm very clingy but i wouldn't ask my gf to NOT do something she wants to do just to make me happy T.T...

i read the whole post and hopefully u guster the muster to toss him :gj:

there are plenty of guys who want a girl to be their "puppy dog" as u put it, but there are just as many guys who appreciates an independant woman

continue with ur plan :salute:, and don't :colbert: let this nooblet be a roadblock

hey laura, my name is vanessa & for the most part i would be saying what everyone else said but i have experienced some of what your going through. i have had a boyfriend tell me everything he could to isolate me from my friends and family so that i would end up depending on him. when he told me that my family didnt love me & that he loved me more then they did that threw up a few red flags...my own family...no no no theres something wrong with a guy that is trying to isolate their girlfriend & i can tell you right now thats what yours is doing. by taking your pets & friends away he's making it to where you'll depend on him. thats not good. get as far away from that relationship now while you still can...

First of all don't move in with him. That's WAY too soon. He doesn't want you do be independent...so does that mean he wants you to be dependent upon him so he can control you? Maybe I'm off, but that's what it sounds like. I can't believe that after only 2 months of dating he's already saying that sort of stuff. You should still be in the "puppies and rainbows" stage when everything is nice and sweet and each of you keep your opinions to yourselves. Heck, I think I was in that stage for almost a year! We are on year four, bought a house, and engaged now. Arguments are healthy, but name calling or bashing is not. At no point is it ok to do one of those things in an argument, IMO. It's not that hard to have a civil argument with someone if you love them.

I wouldn't say it unless you asked for my opinion, but since you did :P I think you should look for someone new. If it's already rocky at two months, I don't see it lasting. At least not if you want to keep your dignity and self pride. Keep your pets, you'll find someone wonderful who treats you right and supports your hobby (or at least accepts it)!

My fiance didn't support my hobby, only accepted it, but he is starting to support it and plans on coming to Tinely with me :D