some advice?

I had a large part of my collection by the time my husband and I moved out here, previously they were at my house and he had just occaisonal interactions with them. It never came up that I should sell some or leave some and since we've been here and I've added more to my snakey family he just stipulates that the bills come first and he wants some money for him. Beyond that he's pretty open (except for tarantulas, I am not allowed to have them "PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEEE" is the exact quote).
Then again his hobbies are much more expensive then mine and I always try to make sure he can go have fun and all that so we have a nice give and take.
Wendy your SO sounds a bit like my father. My mothers situation started out like that and she tends to back off things like you're describing. I love my parents dearly but at this point my father has gotten so controling she asks permission to go to her sisters house.
Different situation but it's something think about for the future.

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Originally Posted by borat1

Im young, but i have a perspective on love. As the others said it takes work and its all a give and take thing. I dont like to inflict in personal affairs, but run this quote by him.

"Loves not always about doing what you love, sometimes it's about doing what you hate because you know the one you love loves it, and you love her"

Thats a tongue twister, but it's honest.

Hope you get your boas that would be awesome.


-mike

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cool I like that!
thanks :)

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Originally Posted by TheDude

Different scenario but, six months ago I was terrified of snakes. Literally a small milksnake (didnt know that at the time) would have me crawling up the walls... Then one day in october I walked outside and there was a 1 foot garter snake in the drive way. And it was aobut 32 degrees outside. So I called my buddy who works at petsmart and said dude theres a snake in my driveway what do i do? He told me that
#1. Its wayyyy to cold right now for a snake to be out.
#2. If I didnt pick him up and take him inside to get warm he would die, probably within the hour.

So I picked him up and put him in a tupperware bowl and waited for my friend to get off work. He came over with a 15 gallon tank setup and said "Welcome to the wonderful world of snake ownership" Since this was the begining of our colorado winter I couldnt set him loose. So after letting him get used to his new warm home for a few days I decided to be brave and pull him out.

This is when I learned that WC snakes are a bite(not a typo) aggressive. But I was surprised that it really didnt hurt when he stuck at me. A few months rolled around and I got more and more comfortable with handling him, tho hes still a mean little bugger, and then I saw a BP at the petshop/distributor.

That sealed the deal once I had him in my hands I knew i loved snakes. Kinda funny that I went from terror to "Hey can I hold your 6 foot burmese??"

Sometimes it will jsut happen... For me it was knowing that that little guy would die if I didnt get over my fear.

Try to compromise with him, hey you can get those stainless steel kegs you have been wanting if I get my snakes....

Or if all else fails I'm single and love snakes! Buy what ever you want! hehe :carrot:
-Mikey

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you're probably too young for me anyway *grin*

anywho, that sounds kind of like my first snake experience.

"This one time, at band camp..."
I was walking up the the bandroom from the field after marching band practice, and bent over to tie my shoe. I got finished, stood up, and realized I had a timy little snake attached to my pinky. scared the heck out of me...then I went looking for it so I could play with it. never did find it but I think I knew then that I liked snakes :)

thanks for the story and support :)

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Originally Posted by JLC

Wendy,


I'm in about as close to exactly the same situation as you can get. My hubby doesn't care for snakes. Isn't afraid of them...doesn't openly despise them or anything...just doesn't care for them. (He says!) And he was very opposed to getting our first snake. It took a lot of patient talking and speaking his language (logical "need" for one...to further daughter's education, etc etc etc) to get it. And it took another couple of years before I was able to get my own snake and bring our grand total up to....two snakes.

That is where things stand now, and if he has his way, it'll stay that way until some nebulous date in the distant future when he retires from the military and we get a permanent home with enough property for us to build a separate building to house snakes....... mmmmhmmmm....

For most people, it seems like a simple thing to say "If he loves you, he'd let you..." or "Love is all about compromise so he should let you do what you want..." But I think you and I both know it's really not that simple. If all else is really good in the relationship...and you truly love (and are IN LOVE) with the man involved....it's not like you're going to just cast him aside because he can't come to a "reasonable" compromise in this one issue.

But it's also not as simple as saying "Well, I love him and I have to accept him the way he is, so I'll just let go of the desires that conflict so badly...." because that just causes a festering wound. Trust me....I tried that approach. It didn't work any more than expecting a perfect "give and take" compromise.

What to do??? I don't have any answers, other than to continue to be very patient. And be willing to talk about it and your feelings, without being accusatory or putting him on the defensive. Your original story of him asking you what you wanted to do with your chunk of the tax return money and you not wanting to tell him because you knew (rightly so, apparently) that it would upset him.....sounds exactly like what Dean and I have gone through in the past. "What do you want for Christmas, hon?" ...."Ummmmm....oh, I dunno. Nothing in particular, I guess." "No really....seriously...what would you really like to have?" "Well...since you insist on making me say it...I would be beyond thrilled to get a snake for Christmas." ...and immediately he gets a sour look on his face and no longer wants to talk about it.

It hurts. Yes indeed, it does. It's an unfair double standard, without a doubt. It's a painfully fine line to walk because you can neither force the issue, nor can you pretend it doesn't exist.

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that is EXACTLY the way I feel too!

the hardest thing to deal with is when he decided we can spend some money on something HE wants, or we both want. he's already sworn I will never have a real diamond on my finger, and ya know, thats OK with me really. I'm not materialistic, and could care of it was pipe cleaner and pom poms if it was something *I* liked

so instead of spending an arm and a leg, let me have some play with the money situation and get something *I* really like?

my SO has also pulled the "when we move...more room...etc..." thing but I got you beat here. he wants an outbulding or an attached garage so he can put in a thermostat and heat so he can start to brew some lagers and to try a mead.

notice, thats what HE wants. if i'm lucky I can have a wall somewhere to put some tanks against.

*sigh*

anyway, I DID try some of the advice I was given already. I sent him an email about it, asking him if we can just talk about it when he is ready, no rush, yada yada..dont wanna fight, dont want to be mad, more etc...

so I'm waiting till a time when he is relaxed and not cranky and will see how receptive he might be for a talk.

the other thing, which I never would have thought of that I am glad someone else thought of got me is, while I was on my weekly foray into the world of all things reptile, I spotted a book about rainbow boas (you have no idea how hard it is to spell those 2 simple words and now "rainboa")

I put the book in the bathroomso he might see it and read some. maybe that will help as well. I didnt yet tell him though that I got to hold the baby at the local pet store....talk about falling in love! still love my Nag and Nagaina, but this little lady is a true beauty!

alas, methinks I have clogged the forum topo much for one time, so I really apreciate your story. if you guys get things figured out before I do, share? I'll let you know how it goes here as well.

*hugs* and good luck to you

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Originally Posted by Entropy

I had a large part of my collection by the time my husband and I moved out here, previously they were at my house and he had just occaisonal interactions with them. It never came up that I should sell some or leave some and since we've been here and I've added more to my snakey family he just stipulates that the bills come first and he wants some money for him. Beyond that he's pretty open (except for tarantulas, I am not allowed to have them "PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEEEEE" is the exact quote).
Then again his hobbies are much more expensive then mine and I always try to make sure he can go have fun and all that so we have a nice give and take.
Wendy your SO sounds a bit like my father. My mothers situation started out like that and she tends to back off things like you're describing. I love my parents dearly but at this point my father has gotten so controling she asks permission to go to her sisters house.
Different situation but it's something think about for the future.

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I agree on the "NO spiders part LOL

and my SO also has much more expensive habits than I do. our biggest difference is, I have a decent buy in, not a whole lot, and then I have a fairly low maintenence. his is a HIGH (initial brewing kit costs about $250...plus $30 for kegs and $15 or so for carboys, etc..) PLUS he has a higher maintenance per month.

and ya know, I dont care HOW much he spends as long as bills are paid, and my animals eat. I am very easily pleased and dont ask for much really. I crochet, do crafty stuff with yarn, and I sew. thats about it.

he wants expensive computer parts, a monthly subscription for an online porn site dvd rental, his beer stuff (which right now is at $30 per week), bike stuff (pedal bike)...theres a lot and I dont mind! as long as I can share in the wealth sometimes.

my mom and dad sound like your mom and dad. my dad says jump, mom says how high. dad wont "ask" for anything. he comes home after work and says "is there anything to eat?" course there is, why cant you just ask!! my folks interaction drives me nuts but it isnt my relationship.

it kind of sounds like I am playing the part of my mom by backing down and not pushing for something *I* want

please forgive me, for by now I have probably used up several pages on this rant, and you all dont need to put up with my displeasure.

sorry for the rants, and thanks for the advice