What do you do when you realize your spouse walks all over you, and you allow it.

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Originally Posted by Tfpets

LOL, just trying to rule things out! I shouldn't post things like that when I'm hungry!

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Im not positive on that, you may be right lol.

Trying to have a serious talk with him is a great idea, although from this post I'm not really getting the impression that he's willing to listen. Do you think you could divert his spending for a bit to go into a trial session of couples' counseling? Having a set time/place and a mediator can make tough talks a lot easier. You both have things you need to work on, and it really looks like his bad habits and yours (primarily the way you don't speak up about things that bother you until they're really, REALLY bothering you) are coming to a head. Things definitely need to change, and if both parties aren't willing to put the work into it, its going to most likely be messy and miserable for everyone involved.

I want to recommend this advice column website. It's quirky, and has some of the best advice I've seen anywhere. You could pretty much send in your first post as is and you'll get a great, quick response (I wrote in about something and while it didn't get published on the site, I had a reply later that day that really helped me out), or you could just browse through the old posts and I'm sure you'll see a number of them that will resonate with what you're going through.

Good luck! Keep us posted?

I need clarification on something here:

Do you work, or is your husband the sole provider for the family? (I get the impression that he is because you mention him making good money but say nothing about yourself.) Obviously he's made some poor choices financially, but it sounds like you're no angel in that regard either, and especially if he's the only one working, he may be doing it out of resentment for the stuff you buy that he thinks is unnecessary. You complain about his radio controlled toys, but you have *16* ball pythons, of various morphs, listed in your sig line. Do you really need all of them? If you're asking him to sell off "unused" parts of his hobby, don't expect him not to ask you to do the same.

Regarding the hunting, how long is deer season open where you are? Here it's only a few weeks each year for firearms, and only for about 2.5 months for archery, so I'm confused how he could be gone every weekend for months and months. Assuming "September through February" is accurate, either there's something else going on or your area has a super long deer season.

As for the gas costs he's complaining about, do you really need to be driving such a large vehicle? Something smaller will return much better fuel economy and thus be cheaper to run. What does he drive? Is it similarly bad on gas? Could both of you find ways to reduce the amount of unnecessary driving you do? If you go to your mother's place half as often and he goes hunting half as often, would that save enough gas money to make the financial difference you need? If you sell off a few snakes and he sells off a few R/C toys, would that cash infusion help out?

From my perspective, it sounds like *both* of you are to blame for your financial situation, and *both* of you need to look into how you can change your habits in order to improve it.

Ah, just looked up Missouri deer seasons, and the longest (archery) goes from September 15 to January 15, with an approximately 2-week break in the middle. It is on the long side, but the OP also seems to have exaggerated it. The various firearms seasons are all shorter and encompassed within the archery season's timeframe, with the "main," as they put it, firearms season occurring during the archery season's break. Given that, if he does both archery and firearms, he could be hunting from mid September through mid January, which does seem like a lot of time away from his family.

I appreciate the feedback so far. To clarify a few things. One is I have never cheated on my husband. Never. Two is the snakes I have were paid for by me with money I earned from both my job and my hobby. Except for my original het pied pair he got me as a gift, the mojave male my son bought me for my birthday, and the pinstripe he helped me pay off for christmas, I paid for all of my snakes. By the way, he has a number of snakes of his own which he breeds, but that I care for and feed along with my own. Thirdly, I am in fact 41, so yes it is possible I am going through early stage menopause. That thought has crossed my mind.

I think the main reason I came here, was to have someone else tell me what I already know. We need to sit down and talk about things, I just don't know how to go about it. I certainly don't want it to devolve into an ugly fight the way it has before. I thought about counseling, but he went through that when his dad left, and to this day he swears it made things worse, and is not likely to want to try it now.
I just can't seem to find the words to even begin to tell him that we need to change. Both of us do, not just him. And yes, I know I'm far from perfect.

And yes, he bow hunts, does a number of managed hunts, rifle hunts, and blackpowder hunts. He is gone a LOT from September 15 through the end of January.

I want to thank those who bothered to post here. I know what I must do, I just don't know how to start. It does help to hear from other people, even if they only reinforce my own thoughts.

Gale

Have you considered going to a marriage counselor? I can see how trying to talk things out with him in private could turn into an argument/ fight, but possibly with a counselor there to mediate and advise things will go better?
Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with him, tell him you've been having these feelings and are closer to the verge of not being about to keep doing this and if he wants to save things he'll go see one with you.

Good luck!

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If you can't sit and talk with him, for fear of it turning into a knock down drag out.... Maybe write him a letter. When you give it to him, make him promise he will read the whole thing and ask for a response. By writing a letter, hopefully things won't get too "heated" and things that shouldn't be said come out from shear anger? I hope you are able to get things worked out as I hate to see someone who has been together so long (not the norm now days) just give up on life together.

Hubby and I have been married 24 1/2 years and the only fights (arguments ) we have ever had have been over money or extended family (our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles etc....) We squashed that by just disowning most of them LOL:O

I'm very sorry to hear about the issues. One thing that jumped out at me was this - what is he doing spending that much money on R/C toys when you guys live in a trailer and want to get out and into a house!? This makes me believe that there really is a problem there in regards to fiscal responsibility and that they R/C toys are simply the symptoms of a much larger underlying problem (fiscal irresponsibility).

That aside, you husband sounds very much like the man that I used to be. My wife and I married at 18 and we lived on the MS/MO border in Leavenworth. I would hunt almost every weekend in MO from the start of archery until my tags were filled. I would also spend ridiculous amounts of money on my hunting toys. I would buy new boys w/out asking, hunting clothing, arrows, etc. I would also buy snakes and lie about how much they cost. I made the only money and I paid everything, so she was essentially a prisoner in our house. I never gave her any money and the only time that she went out was when I took her out, save for going out with her friends from high school on occasion. I wasn't controlling intentionally, it was just what I had learned from watching my parents. They were divorced from each other twice in 20 years and low and behold, my wife and I split as well. When we did I finally realized how terrible I had been to her and still am disgusted with myself for how I made her feel over the last 8 years. Many things have transpired since we split and she wants to get back together but due to some of the things that she has done in the mean time I just don't see it happening, but I digress. Hopefully it won't take your husband losing you to realize that he is in fact in the wrong here (not that you are perfect) and you guys can work things out without getting a divorce. Best of luck and if stuff gets crazy or it gets better, please let us know. I'm pulling for you guys!

Unfortunately, I don't have the time at the moment to read all the responses (Sorry guys! I'll hit this up later and read what you said!)

This sounds exactly like my ex used to. He blamed me for everything when it came to money. I worked my butt off and supported him for 3 years while he was unemployed (because he was immigrating into Canada and not allowed to work until the paperwork cleared, etc). I spent thousands on us. But when he started working, suddenly our money was disappearing even faster. We had a shared bank account, and I would look at the transactions online. He would buy... custom Lego peices for $50!!! EACH!! It's a PIECE OF LEGO!!! Are you kidding me? And when I raised a fuss, he would act like I was the selfish one, or that my buying extra meat for the freezer was the reason we were struggling.

Eventually, it turned into a knock-out-drag-out fight. We broke up after being together for 7 years. It was just awful. Looking back, there are so many things I should've walked out for. I found out later that he was completely unhappy with our relationship, and thus, filled that void with 'valuables'. And eventually cheated on me as well.

When he left me, he got with his new girlfriend (and their baby... Wow. It was awful) and I found out later that they were completely broke and had to move in with her mother.

So I felt vindicated that it wasn't me. I had plenty of money left over. My stress was gone. I could finally focus on me. And I realized that every hurtful thing he had directed towards me was because he was unhappy, but too scared to leave.

I would seriously consider marriage counselling. It might not repair how you are feeling now (Anger at everything he is doing means that you are also unhappy, hun) but it will allow for an open line of communication to make sure everyone is clear about how they're feeling.

My boyfriend now is the love of my life, and I would never have met him if my ex boyfriend hadn't done what he did. So in a way, I am thankful for that. And thankful for the strength I learned from walking away from that.

So whatever happens, you will gain strength, knowledge and understanding, no matter how this situation plays out.

Well one it sounds like domestic violince on his part. Remimber DV is not just about hiting it can be controling money puting down your spouse and the kinda stuff it sounds like he is doing to you. Now id really recomend you guys go see some one. You will find out fast if you and him can fix what is going on. And you may not be able to but if he will not go to it then you need to start looking at a exit plan start puting some money away and once you are able to make it on your own leave him

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Well one it sounds like domestic violince on his part. Remimber DV is not just about hiting it can be controling money puting down your spouse and the kinda stuff it sounds like he is doing to you. Now id really recomend you guys go see some one. You will find out fast if you and him can fix what is going on. And you may not be able to but if he will not go to it then you need to start looking at a exit plan start puting some money away and once you are able to make it on your own leave him