Need some opinions on a dead beat...

as a child i was in your sons situation. and i must say that my parents battled each other quite a bit after the divorce and bad mouthed each other constantly. but my mom NEVER NEVER prevented me from seeing him. my father did pay support but even if he wasnt my mom new that the time i spent with my dad was something that every child needs. even if the father is a horrible husband /boyfriend he may still be a good father. if hes going to school so he can make some real money instead of a 50 dollar fast food paycheck then he is doing what is needed to help provide for himself and his child/children. now if hes not a good father when his child is around and just sits around and does drugs and drinks and leaves him with strangers then no dont let your son go. but if your son gets quality time with his dad and its a rare occurrence then i would never want to keep that from a child. i had to split holidays with my parents, this year with my mom and next year with my dad. christmas with mom and easter with dad then switch the next year.
maybe you and your ex can work something like this out. but if your son already knows hes going to see dad then id let him go. its all about your son not the money that teh father is suppose to pay.
adam jeffery

I think its great that you don't want to put your son in the middle of this. And that you don't want to take away his ability to see his father. It shows that you really care about him.

I'll tell you a little bit about my family situation. My parents got divorced last year; Christmas Eve of 2010 (I know great x-mas huh?) It's been almost a year since then.

I know this is different though since its from the kids perspective instead of the parents:

I always see friends/cousins/others that talk about choosing which parent to stay with for the holidays. (I'm 17 years old BTW) It isn't the easiest thing to do, picking between which of your parents to stay with. But my parents live together in the same house; they do it for us. I have 2 other siblings. My dad says he stays because of us kids. I know how much me wants to live somewhere else but he cares about us so much that he chooses to stay. To help pay for bills, food, clothing, everything. He wants make sure that we have everything we need until we're all grown up and out on our own.

During Thanksgiving I had to choose between going with my dad or my mom. It feels AWFUL "picking" who you want to go with when they ask you. When I say I wanna go with one of my parents it feels like I'm picking favorites and I'm betraying my other parent. It's just not a very good situation and really stressful.

Well anyways I think you made a good decision on keeping your son for x-mas since your ex hasn't helped raise your son and IMO he doesn't deserve to have his son for x-mas.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas :) and good luck to you and your son.

Just a word of caution, my ex spent 4 days in jail for refusing to let me see my boys, and was charged with contempt of court for violating a court order. I also pay $750 a month in cs and never (yet) fell behind. If you had one and they're still on retainer you might talk with your attorney. I'd hate to hear of something like that happening to you.

Note- I didn't get to see my kids for over a year.

Get a holiday schedule on paper. Get him to sign it. Get it notarized or have the court put in into your records.

A 5 year old shouldn't have to decide if he wants to be with Mommy or Daddy, that's not fair to the kid. If you have a previously agreed upon schedule of who gets him for what holidays then it's out of his little hands and into your big ones.

I know this from experience.

The mother of my children is not always the most pleasant of women and has a tongue that could scorch cast iron. Her version of truth and mine have often been quite different. Honesty is your friend, though not always easy to live with.

As he gets older, and this may well take years, he'll realize what sacrifices you made and his father didn't. It's not your job to make sure he likes or even respects his father, it's your job to make sure he knows that his mother loves him, wishes he had a father that wasn't worthless, but does not have the ability to make him into a good father.

Keep him this year, but don't make him make the decision. Make a schedule and then STICK to it for the rest of forever. If you have stipulations in your schedule, like child support must be paid up and on time or no visits, then you're covered. If he won't sign, you could go back to court and ask them to put a schedule in your divorce record and that IS enforceable by your local law enforcement. I've dealt with that in person too. Once it's in the court record, you have much more power.

Here is Ca. it's totally slanted to the woman. Most states it's that way. Use that to your advantage. You're looking out for your son, not his worthless father. If dad gets his knuckles skinned for being a knucklehead, tough poop, he should have taken care of his responsibilities.

This isn't YOUR fault, but you do have to watch where you step. Honesty is not bitterness. So, be honest, not bitter. If he asks about his father, tell him what you honestly think but cushion that with what is appropriate for the age he is when he asks. You'll tell him far more when he's 14 than you will in the next few years. Put in your time, make your sacrifices without being a martyr (not saying you are one but don't play up what you've had to do, makes the kid feel guilty and you look whiny). If he goes and you're not happy about it, tell him you'll miss him but next year, or next christmas or thanksgiving or whatever the two of you will be together.

So long as he's not abusing the kid, he should have the option of seeing the kid. If he can afford a plane ticket a couple times a year, he can send you a token payment too. If his mom and dad are footing the bill, he can hit them up to cover your groceries once in a while.

Eh, it's a complicated dance that I had to be involved in for a loooong time. Now though, my children live with me because they want to. They're old enough that we have no more court crap to deal with, but they realized when they were young that while both of their parents loved them dearly, only one was really a parent. Perhaps the same will be true for your son.

His father, while a male role model, may not be the best. Doesn't seem that he is. Don't worry about it. Just make better choices in your future. If your boyfriend is a good man your son will emulate him just because of proximity. If he's not a good man, give him the heave ho and find one that is.

Or be single. Once your boy is a teen your life will begin to change. You'll go from taxi driver with no life to all of a sudden having blocks of time that are empty. It's a long road, but with some honesty and a smattering of understanding how people work, including yourself, you two will be solid for the rest of forever.

It's ok for you to have feelings and thoughts, negative or positive, just remember that a 5 year old doesn't have the base necessary to understand what's happening in his parents world. Hopefully he will by the time he's a teen. He may not. Just keep plugging away. Eventually he'll catch on and realize that you were a good mom. It may well be years down the road before he tells you that but when he does all the crap you've gone through will be worth it.

Make him a good man and he'll make good children who will then make good children of their own, and so on and so on.

My offspring went through hell with their mother but have turned out as really cool young adults, the kind of people you would want your young adults to hang out with. But it was a looooong and difficult road, sometimes quite a lonely one, but it turned out well. They still love their mother, I've never discouraged that, but they know two types of parenting. One that makes for decent people and one that makes for self-centered self deluded people of a generally unpleasant demeanor, to be polite.

Keep him. Next year, after you have paper work, stick to your agreed upon schedule. If dad flakes, let it go, cancel whatever plans you had, and be the mother he should have, the one that I'm pretty sure you already are. You can always reschedule a trip for you, but you can't get back not being there for him WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN. That's key. If it's not your turn, if he's with dad, you DO get to have a life. Hopefully dad isn't a flake as well as a dead beat.

A bit of clarification. Your turn, if you have paperwork, is what's on the schedule. If it's dad's turn, you're free of motherhood responsibilities for that time. But, if dad flakes, then it's your turn again, even though it really isn't. I'm making this sound more complicated than it is. Basically, no matter what plans you have, if your ex screws you by flaking, you need to be there for your son. The cost to you may be high, but making sacrifices for our children is sometimes necessary especially if their other parent isn't Ward Cleaver. (if I've confused your further just pm me, which I will keep between us, and I'll try to clarify.)

heh, guess I have a bit to say about this, don't I?

I replied yesterday when I was still upset about the whole situation, and I've since decided that like most people have said, it's not fair to put my son in the middle of this, which I knew. He will be going to Michigan to see him dad this Christmas, which I and many others don't agree with, but it's what's best for Jacob.

I've NEVER bad mouthed my ex in front of my son, and the amount of abuse my son has witness on my ex's part I wish would prevent him from wanting to see him, but he's so young it doesn't. Unfortunately, I have no control over what my ex says, all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing and hope to God my son grows up and realizes what a piece of crap his father is on his own.

Ok i dont know what others said HOWEVER i would never say keep the child from the other parent.

Right now i am going through MAJOR custody issues with my ex and she is not letting me see my daughter because there isnt a court order for her to. I currently pay her 800 a month and she just took me to court for more and STILL is denying my right to my child based on the thought I would keep my daughter for no reason. Now there isnt nor hasnt been an order for me to pay yet i do because regardless of what the EX is doing your frustrations from the EX cannot be taken out on the child. in your case it is visitation rights based on no support for me it would be no support because of no visitation. Either way the child is who suffers.

additionally it becomes more of an attempt to twist the others arm based on what your wants/needs are.


my :2cent:

I wish you the best and its guys that dont pay that make me look like crap and give others a bad name. Its a tough and extremely hard situation and taking the high road is extremely tough but is the right thing to do.

I have been thru all that you are describing. It is awful but you are doing the right thing by letting your son go as originally planned. If you pull out now and don't let him go your ex will certainly think it is because he has not paid his child support - don't stoop to his level. If you know for certain that your son will be well cared for while with his dad - then just let him go - send him off with a "have fun with your dad" and a pasted on smile.

I did this for years with my two boys. Their father never paid child support - lost job after job because of drug use and to this day (15 years after the divorce) is living in his momma's basement.

I worked full time to make sure I could provide for my boys and I too had to live with much verbal abuse before and after the divorce. My kids learned who was the "problem" as they grew up - I didn't need to talk bad about their dad - they learned by watching as they grew.

Luckily for me, my boys are both grown now and I am no longer legally tied to my ex in any way - but it is me who has the close loving relationship with my boys - not their deadbeat dad. My boys know it is "me" who they can count on all the time.

Just be there for your son, bite your tongue when you want to dog his father. He will get his in the end when your son grows up to realize the truth of the whole situation.

In the closing - I think you are making the right decision to let him go since this has been the original arrangement.

Kudos to you for being a loving, caring and supportive parent. Us "moms" are the toughest people around when it comes to doing what is best for our babies.