Depression

I believe that until you can fix what's broken inside of you, you won't be able to be happy even IF you have a girlfriend. Rather than being able to enjoy the blessing of the relationship, you would worry and fret about something "going wrong" and ruining it. Which, inevitably turns into a self-fulfilling prophesy because someone that worried about the negatives tends to bring those negatives about themselves.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you have to be able to be alone with yourself. No girlfriend can "make you happy." That's way too much burden to place on another person. And no matter how close you are to another person, or how much time you spend with them, you will always be alone in your own head. We all are. So you have to fix what is in there, first.

It sounds like you have strategies for getting through the day and "being happy". Now you need to plan some very specific strategies for dealing with yourself in your own head. You CAN head off that spiral of negative thoughts and begin to turn them around to positive, healthy ideas if you really want to. Do YOU really WANT to change? Or do you just want a girlfriend who is supposed to fix everything for you?

I'm no therapist, but I could certainly get a lot more in depth about such things, and would love to try and help if you'd like to PM me. :)

I'm not a therapist, although I have seen and benefited from more than one shrink in my life...

I would like to expand on the point that Judy made. The "magical relationship" cure doesn't exist.

I dated a guy with what I term as "the crazies" for a few months in college and it was one of the most terrible times in my life. His refusal to get help for his baggage and depression and force it onto me was what ended our relationship ultimately. He thought getting a girlfriend would "fix" everything too. It didn't. It brought out a lot of bad things in him, and while he was never physically abusive or threatening (...except for that one time) but being in a volatile relationship worsened things by tenfold.

Now.. I am absolutely NOT saying that you are or ever could be this kind of crazy/depressed/fill in whatever term you feel is appropriate, or this is what would or could happen to you in a relationship, BUT, you need to take care of you first. Relationships that last are built on trust, love and respect. If a partner (and this goes for any relationship to the hypothetical you and not the actual OP) can not trust their other half, there are few things that could make the relationship work in the long term.

I can go into more detail if you'd like, PM me, but I don't want to derail your topic with off topic blabber. If your therapist isn't working for you, find one that is. They are supposed to work with you and help you. If they aren't then they are making things worse.

I agree with JLC. I have also gone through some major depression in my life. I don't do well in social situations either. That is one reason I love being online. My first suggestion was going to be medication and a therapist but since that has not been successful I suggest change in your life. Do something that you are excited about. Shake it up, but only in a positive way. It sounds like your living arrangement is hard. Can you move out, or get new single roommates? Sometimes change is helpful to get you out of it. I don't know if you have a dog but my dog helps me tremendously. She is always there for me and when I get depressed just having her there sometimes makes me feel better. Also having someone counting on you helps get you up and going when nothing else does. I also recommend major exercise. Exercise releases natural endorphins and will make you feel much better. It is really hard to get up and going when you are depressed but pushing through is the best way to get there.

Also, it is hard but you have to change your thinking. When you find yourself thinking a negative about yourself, force yourself to come up with 2 positives about yourself. Keep a gratitude Journal and force yourself to write down 5 things a day that you are grateful for, something you think others would be jealous of. They may start out small, and repetitive but over time you will notice other things, and discover how much you have, and how much you are capable of.

For me, it took me a long time to realize that sometimes the depression comes without a situational trigger. In the beginning I would look for what I was upset about and then before I knew it I made a mess of something that wasn't the problem. Finally realizing the depression isn't about my life helped me. Now I know that it is just something I have to get through and there is a light on the other side. Depression is lonely no matter how many people are around you. And it sounds like you have a lot of people around you with just your roommate situation.

As far as relationships we have a myth in our culture that a partner will solve everything, you know the Cinderella story. But the truth is a partner is like a good friend, they are there for you when you fall but they can't pick you up. They can just walk with you until you get through. In other words they can't fix it, you have to fix yourself. I am with the love of my life but when I get really depressed, I still feel lonely and not even he can stop that.

Just remember, you are not alone. You have people that love you, even if you don't see it. This is just a down time, and it will get better soon. And you will find the right person for you. Just don't try to force it with the wrong person, then you will be really lonely. Hang in there, and if you want someone to talk to message me.

PS it take the medicine about three months to start working. I don't know how long you gave it but just in case... Exercise is still the fastest pick me up and it has the added bonus of making you feel better about your self.

You'll be fine. I didn't really even date until my mid twenties. Sure, I brought girls to the movies, had dinner dates, and sleep overs(hee hee, whatever), etc., but never really had a girl friend. I, for whatever reason, felt like I had nothing to offer. Low income, crappy ride, etc.... I met my wife when I was 28. Before dating my wife I felt alone alot.

You'll meet the right girl!

How can you expect someone to love you, if you do not love yourself ?

Honestly, you can tell yourself all day long that you only give out positive and happy vibes. I have learned that body language is everything. We give it out and also read it quite well, only most people do that without realizing. What we do or say, how we portray ourselves, often differs greatly from what our body tells about ourselves.

You can act happy all you want, but instinctively people and esp. the other sex will know that you are desperate to find a mate. You make yourself the "perfect" mate, shaping yourself into this image of what you think should be just that. But I fear when you do that, you are not really yourself.

People pick up on that. No girl/woman want to be the universe of your life. We all always say we do, but in truth, no we do not. It carries far to much responsibility.

Learn to love yourself. Be yourself. Even if that is not the "perfect" boyfriend material. Find things you enjoy to do, and do them. Love life. Find the "little" things that matter. Go out into nature and really open your eyes to it, the beauty and miracle of it. Things we take for granted. Be good to yourself. Become "selfish" in that regard.

Once you learn to love and respect yourself, and be kinder on yourself, allow yourself to not be "perfect", let down your defenses, you will attract others, because you will be "real".

Don't make your whole purpose of life be dependent on finding a girlfriend. That relationship would have to carry such a heavy burden, it wouldn't survive.

I know all this is easier said then done. You may need the help of a good therapist. Or friends. Give up being the jolly good guy all the time, you are allowed to have a bad day no matter what others think or how they feel about it. Its what makes you human.

I understand that awful lonely feeling, esp. the one that comes in dreams. Its even more brutal then the loneliness we feel in real life. I've had dreams where I walk among people, yet they don't see or acknowledge me. They go about their lives and its as if I'm not there. I walk among familiar places and people, but I'm just a ghost. And that feeling of utter and devastating loneliness is worse then anything ever felt in real life. Those dreams can stay with you throughout the day, drag you down, make you fear going to sleep. The dread of them is precisely what will bring them on once again.

You'll have break the cycle. Embrace life and try to find joy in it. TRUE one, not the make believe "play" you put on for yourself and your friends/family. Again, be good and kind to yourself, accept yourself and love yourself. Good and bad.

You won't end up like in those dreadful dreams. You won't feel in real life, the gut wrenching pain and fear like you do in those dreams. When you are in the claws of depression, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and to much effort sometimes to try to look for it. But you will get past this part of your life and when you do, it will be hard to remember how you were ever feeling quite so low.

Hang in there, it gets better.

Sorry for being long winded.

I thank everyone for all the advice and believe it or not I do everything that has been said. I do love myself very much and I am beyond happy with who I am. I work out daily and keep myself in great shape, look at my profile for a pretty recent pic, I have pets that I love ranging from snakes, duh, to cats and a dog as well as a few pet rats and some lizards. I would get a bird but well I hate them with a passion lol. I spend a lot of time in nature doing what I love doing which is camping, hiking, field herping, things like that. I go out and socialize when I have the time but usually just dont want to go through all the gettin ready to go out that I usually just have people come by or something like that. I didnt say that a girlfriend would fix everything because I know full well that isnt going to happen. I have admitted that there are problems I have that I need to work on and I am working on them. My biggest problem is that I am a people pleaser so I always put my friends before myself which I know is not a good way to live life. That is pretty much the hardest one for me to change. When I said I feel alone it is the emotional alone not physical. Maybe I took some of this wrong but honestly it feels as though some of the reply's are mildly attacking but odds are it is just me takin things wrong. As to meds the only one that worked I developed an allergy to and it didnt really help all that much. After about 5 months of taking it the dosage wasnt enough and my depression would hit out of nowhere, when I am not medicated the depression is more like a slow decline down and then a slow climb up on meds it is a huge drop off and then a struggle to recover from. I think that made sense lol. Anyways I am rambling again so gonna stop before I am not understandable anymore.

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Originally Posted by tattlife2001

I thank everyone for all the advice and believe it or not I do everything that has been said. I do love myself very much and I am beyond happy with who I am. I work out daily and keep myself in great shape, look at my profile for a pretty recent pic, I have pets that I love ranging from snakes, duh, to cats and a dog as well as a few pet rats and some lizards. I would get a bird but well I hate them with a passion lol. I spend a lot of time in nature doing what I love doing which is camping, hiking, field herping, things like that. I go out and socialize when I have the time but usually just dont want to go through all the gettin ready to go out that I usually just have people come by or something like that. I didnt say that a girlfriend would fix everything because I know full well that isnt going to happen. I have admitted that there are problems I have that I need to work on and I am working on them. My biggest problem is that I am a people pleaser so I always put my friends before myself which I know is not a good way to live life. That is pretty much the hardest one for me to change. When I said I feel alone it is the emotional alone not physical. Maybe I took some of this wrong but honestly it feels as though some of the reply's are mildly attacking but odds are it is just me takin things wrong. As to meds the only one that worked I developed an allergy to and it didnt really help all that much. After about 5 months of taking it the dosage wasnt enough and my depression would hit out of nowhere, when I am not medicated the depression is more like a slow decline down and then a slow climb up on meds it is a huge drop off and then a struggle to recover from. I think that made sense lol. Anyways I am rambling again so gonna stop before I am not understandable anymore.

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I hope my reply didn't sound attacking. I didn't mean it that way if it did. I just know how bad depression sucks and I hope you find your way out soon. You will find the right girl some day stick in there.