Time for the requested update!
After about an hour of religious temperature-watching, I have my new thermostat set up to keep a lovely 86-88 degree warmer side and 79-81 degree cooler side. I wont worry about his tendencies anymore, as that second reading was taken quite literally right out from under the curious little snake's chin. :P
Apparently my sticky gauges were way off, thanks to the cold temp of the room changing the glass temp. All better now, as my probes are conveniently located in the center of the tank. :)
Thanks so much for the help, everyone!