Just lost another friend to alcoholism

About 3 years ago I lost a dear friend to alcoholic liver disease. He had been clean and sober for years, but the damage was done. My last good memory of him was going to his house and having him show me how to make pie crust. He was a good cook, and even then, as a nurse, I could tell he was dying. He never wanted to believe that, and he was hoping for a liver transplant until the very end. The last time I saw him, he was on full life support measures and we were taking turns holding his hand and saying goodbye. He squeezed my hand back.

And then today I found out another dear friend just passed away. She was my best friend, we had a deep connection like two long-lost sisters. I knew she had a drinking past, but then started to see the signs of heavy drinking again. She totally denied it, even when me and her partner had an intervention with her-- even after he had found and been tracking her stash and seeing the alarming rate at which she drank the hard stuff. It broke my heart but I had to let go of her and walk away, as long as she was in denial. I walked away from our entire friend/social group because it was an enabling environment. Her partner also broke up with her after 7 years together.

The last time I saw her was about a year ago. She was in 12 steps and she asked me to lunch so she could "make amends" with me, as one of the steps. I was glad to see her, but during the lunch I noticed her hand tremors were so bad she could hardly drink from her glass of ice tea. I wondered (as a nurse) if she was really clean for 100 days as she said she was. It looked more like just a few hours to me. But I didn't say anything, I hugged her and wished her well.

My partner, the love of my life, also ruined his health due to alcoholism. He was a high functioning alcoholic, until he was hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning, and nearly bled out twice due to esophageal varicies. The second time that happened I had just been dating him a few months, was deeply in love, and pledged to stay with him even if that meant not a very long time left. I never knew him as a drinker-- he had become clean and sober about 6 months before we met, but was still having the health problems from it. He ended up getting himself on the liver transplant list, it was that bad. About a year after that though, his liver had healed enough that he was stable, and looking great. He will always have cirrhosis and fatty liver, but because he's stopped drinking *and* smoking *and* doing pot the last 3.5 years, his health has stabilized. We are getting formally married in early January. We are having a baby in mid-January. :-) He is an amazing step-father to my two teen daughters, and an amazing partner. I'm sooooo glad he turned his life around in time.

I wish, as a human being and as a hospice nurse, that people would see the danger of drinking, and treat it as seriously as they do hard drugs and marijuana. It see sooooo many young to middle-aged people dying on my watch due to end stage alcoholic liver disease. It's an awful awful death, too. Much worse than cancer, heart failure, etc. It's just ugly and really hard.

I see fellow moms drinking wine at playgroups. I see people drinking to relax after a hard day at work. I see people getting hammered at football parties and birthday parties and weddings. Why do we need to do this? Why not just have a good time, and learn to cope with stress in other ways that cause personal growth, rather than drowning our troubles in booze?

Anyway . . thanks for listening. I'm just mourning my friend today and being mad at the senselessness of it all.:(

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Stories like this always break my heart. Honestly, sometimes they shake me to the core. I've lost my share of friends and have seen more than a handful of former "party buddies" names in the obituaries since.

As I'm pretty sure you know, I am one of the lucky ones (and I try to be conscious of this every day). I was able to get clean and sober a little more than 6 1/2 years ago. I have not a single doubt in my mind I wouldn't have lasted this long if I didn't get help. Heck, I was legally dead for 3-4 minutes and if the EMTs showed up two minutes later I would be gone. Thanks to them I'm still here.

This disease is so real, so scary and so ugly. It breaks my heart to hear of anybody suffering, and even more to hear of people losing the fight.
It's strange, I often find myself feeling guilty when I hear of others losing the fight. It's like I feel like it should have been me. Like, why was I saved and not them? But apparently I've still got something left to do on this planet. Hopefully I can just figure out what that is....

Anyway, sorry to ramble there. I can get caught up at times with regards to alcoholism and addiction. I'm glad to see more people willing to open up and share. At this point, I think almost all of us know someone who's struggling or has lost the battle, so it's easier to feel like we're not alone. I know it helped me to know I wasn't alone. So I'm never embarrassed or ashamed to tell me story. It just may save a life one day...

For those who are struggling or know someone who is, I'm always happy to talk, listen, whatever you need. Feel free to PM me anytime and I promise I'll reply as soon as I can.
If you're not comfortable talking to a stranger, please find the strength to talk to a loved one. The strength using you and you're not alone.

FTS, from the bottom of my heart I send you my deepest condolences. You and your friend are in my thoughts and in my heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. Albeit too soon, your friend is no longer suffering and has found peace.

You said all that beautifully... I will never understand what ppl see in "getting wasted"...it's not a solution to escape from life's problems, that's for sure. I grew up
in a very dysfunctional family with bitterly-fighting & twice-divorced parents who both smoked heavily & our dad's drinking did nothing to enhance his personality. :rolleyes:

None of this stuff (smoking-drinking-drugs) has any appeal for me...full disclosure, I enjoy a small glass of wine with dinner very occasionally, but I just don't want
any more* than that, ever. *I've never liked how that makes me feel. I've known many people over the years though that were the opposite, & it always had bad
effects on their health & their lives. FTS, I'm so sorry you've lost some dear friends to this...it's obvious to me that some of us are way more susceptible than others.

If only our caring friendships could help those involved to overcome their addictions...:( Considering the questionable rate of success, I'm not sure that anything can-
it seems to be one of the Achille's heels of our species, the price paid for curiosity & seeking excitement or pain relief in a somewhat mundane world. :confusd:

So much of this seems to be cultural: when we were teens, it was the "cool" kids that bragged about using stuff, & as social creatures, we all try to "belong".

One thing that surprises me is that when I watch old tv shows & movies (like from the 50's) just how much drinking & smoking is normalized. It really stands out
now, but at the time I'm sure the effect on many was subliminal...the idea that after a hard day, you "needed" to drink and smoke. Advertising works in dastardly
ways, I'm afraid. This should truly be taught in schools...how to be prevent being manipulated, along with other life skills like money management. I know some
'good' teachers brought it up, but in no way was it a standard part of the curriculum, I'm sure. Of course when you're young, you also think you know more than
your dumb parents & teachers, but there has to be a way to fight this...it weakens our entire culture, & our entire country. People who are so focused on their next
drinks or drugs are not fully participating, & those who get desperate enough also commit crimes to maintain. We really ought to be a lot smarter than this...:(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Craiga 01453

As I'm pretty sure you know, I am one of the lucky ones (and I try to be conscious of this every day). I was able to get clean and sober a little more than 6 1/2 years ago. I have not a single doubt in my mind I wouldn't have lasted this long if I didn't get help.

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Thank you once again for sharing your story and offering help. It takes courage to share it and to get people talking about it but it's very much needed in our culture for us to do that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FollowTheSun

Thank you once again for sharing your story and offering help. It takes courage to share it and to get people talking about it but it's very much needed in our culture for us to do that.

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Honestly, I'm happy to do it. If there weren't people there willing to share with me and listen when I needed to talk to someone who has been there. There were days they talked me off the ledge and may have saved my life. I'm happy to try to be there for others who need help.