Emmas Address

[Entropy]

Sadly I cannot take credit for this, credit goes to Deborah Grace who very kindly allowed me to cross post this from one of my equine forums. Hilarious.

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To all cats of the continental United States, Canada, and the world at large, greetings. This is Emma, also known as Sweet, also known as Don't Eat That, also known as Why The **** Do You Do That At Five In The Morning. I have come here today to warn you of a terrible threat to cat kind everywhere. Some may feel that my tail (or tale, as it were) is too graphic for kitten ears, but I beg of you to allow young ones to listen anyway, as this danger lurks in any home.

Your human, while not being necessarily bright, most likely has some meager penchant for cleanliness. Although some of their methods are less than appealing to us, such as the daily water torture many humans put themselves through, the majority of these are for the greater good. For instance, the Cleaning Of The Food Dish, which removes the little leftover crusties from your last meal, whether or not you had left them there in case of strife. While this ceremony does potentially leave you open to death by starvation in the event of a cat food shortage, it tends to make the subsequent meal rather more pleasant, as there are no nasty rock hard crunchy bits mixed in with the wet food.

But I digress. Among the cleaning methods humans engage in, the most despicable is the Cat Eating Floor Sucker (CEFS), known in some circles as a Vacuum Cleaner. Beware of this machine! It may appear innocuous from afar, but its mere existence in your house is an attempt by your human to supercede your household dominance. Through the ownership and employment of this menace, your human is trying to demonstrate strength and daring superior to yours. By carrying, pushing, operating, and cursing the CEFS, your human is flaunting a mastery of dangerous forces beyond your control. The CEFS makes its attitude towards this unending servitude known by growling in a threatening fashion and making alarming choking noises when something gets stuck in the hose.

Be warned! The CEFS is not the simple cleaning tool it appears to be! It is a portal to another world, a vehicle which can entrap and transport the unsuspecting feline to environs unknown. It is suspected that the final destination of the Sucked Up Cat is a place in which there are no scratching posts, kitty munchies, rodents, or birds. This horrific world is occupied by Dogs and unending Big Brother reruns. It is a destination of no return!

Tonight, I have survived yet another harrowing bout of housecleaning, wherein all my Hairs and Kitty Litter Pellets of Ownership were obliterated from my carpet and my bathroom tile. I was not forewarned of the cleaning, and was forced to make an unscheduled Mad Dash Across The Dresser, which I had not planned to undertake until five in the morning (see alias above). I now face the arduous task of replacing my Ownership tokens, but I consider it a small price to pay for my continued freedom from canine incompetence and insipid corporate broadcasting.

Let my story be a warning to you all. The CEFS can obliterate each of your nine lives in less time than it takes to cough up a hairball on Berber carpeting. It can do so only during the hours your human uses it, but--and let me stress this point--it can suck at any moment! If your human is in a particularly industrious mood, it can really suck, and in any room of your house. Nowhere is safe! No place is sacred! Except the litter box, no one ever seems to use the CEFS there.

Anyway, the instant the CEFS makes its presence known, you must flee, via any method possible. Through meticulously sorted paperwork or priceless antiques, if you must, although these routes are not recommended except in the most dire of circumstances. THIS MENACE MUST NEVER BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. Remember, while operational, the CEFS can kill at any moment, so please plan escape routes and safe havens accordingly.
And after a cleaning, it is imperative you let your human know that your mastery remains supreme in the household. Popular methods include relieving yourself outside the litter box, sharpening your claws on the couch or carpet, or dropping unexpectedly onto your human's head from a high place like the refrigerator (while doing this, you must scream with unbridled abandon to reinforce your dominance--clawing may be done at your discretion).

Yours sincerely,
Emma

[frankykeno]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is priceless!