Press 01 to schedule an appointment for your pet.

Press 02 to have your pet seen immediately.

Press 03 to speak directly to the veterinarian.

Press 04 to obtain the veterinarian's home telephone number.

Press 05 to tell a receptionist or tech your life history, as well as your pets.

Press 06 to yell at a receptionist or technician unfoundedly.

Press 07 to yell at the veterinarian unfoundedly.

Press 08 to disagree with the veterinarian's diagnosis or treatment plan because you read something different on the internet.

Press 09 to ask the same question 5 times just in case the answer might change.

Press 10 if you feel your pet's condition is more important that the emergency patient the veterinarian is currently seeing.

Press 11 if your pet's condition has persisted for 6 months but has suddenly become an emergency and needs to be seen this evening because you are going on vacation tomorrow.

Press 12 if your pet has not eaten in 8 days and you are only now becoming concerned.

Press 13 if you are angry because you declined all treatments and your pet is now decompensating rapidly.

Press 14 to determine if your pet's condition is serious enough to be seen immediately. If it is after midnight, our team of experts will be standing by to debate the issue with you for as long as it takes to get you to agree it can wait until tomorrow.

Press 15 if your dog has not had a bowel movement in more than 8 days, you've only just become concerned, are disabled and have no money and you just want free advice over the phone.

Press 16 to demand immediate treatment but would like us to hold your check until next month.

Press 17 if you would like to post-date a previously post-dated check.

Press 18 if you need to bring in 10 unvaccinated puppies with vomiting and diarrhea and you will only have $10 in your pocket.

Press 19 if your plan to arrive at our facility in your new Jaguar XJS but can only pay for routine vaccinations at $5 per month.

Press 20 if you got a puppy from the shelter, it comes down with parvo, and you are extremely angry no veterinarian will treat it for free.

Press 21 if you still consider the cat you have had for 10 yrs a stray because now it is sick.

Press 22 if your would like to euthanize a pet that you can no longer afford to care for.

Press 23 to find out our busiest times, so that you can ensure that when you show up without an appointment and demand to be seen, maximum chaos will ensue.

Press 24 if you are not a client and want us to trim the nails on your aggressive 120 lb dog.

Press 25 if your reptilian pet has been living in an incredibly small tank in a cold dark room and has not eaten for 60 days, despite you having offered it several types of snacks.

Press 26 if your pet has removed its bandage because you took of the Elizabethan collar even though we explicitly requested you leave in on.

Press 27 if your 10-year old dog has been in labor for over 2 days when you suddenly realized she was pregnant, and now you suspect something is wrong.

Press 28 if your "rockwilder got the mange".

Press 29 if you are allergic to electricity and want all the electric equipment turned off while you re in the clinic.

Press 30 if you have already given your kitten Tylenol and want to know if it was the right thing to do.

Press 31 if your dog was neutered 6 weeks ago and you are angry because the testicles were removed.

((Found this on another forum and thought the great folks here would appreciate it as well!))