(#1)For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like
the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run
on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


(#2)Spanish Computer


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa,'' 'Pencil,''
however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving
the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and
female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer''
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
four reasons
for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of
the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;>

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.