To: Tech Support
From: A.J. Axline
Subject: Minor Difficulties with Product
Sir(s):
I recently purchased one of your products, the Super-Blitz Wow! 802.11g
wireless router, and wanted to share my customer experience with you in the
hopes that you may be able to use some of this information to improve your
products and services.
My customer experience with your product really began with the packaging.
Please pass along my compliments to your packaging department, both on the
efficiency of the vacuum sealer they are currently using, and on the
indestructible nature of the hard plastic shell that the router is encased
in. The durability of this material is beyond amazing... does NASA know that
this material exists? Mere household scissors were no match at all; they
broke into two pieces in a matter of minutes. The blade in my utility knife
snapped off and nearly embedded itself into my left retinal wall. In fact,
your miracle packaging proved to be absolutely impervious to blades, fire,
acid, and obscene profanity.
I was eventually able to get the package open using my wife's wedding ring
clamped in an electric drill. I was pleased that I had the drill, for by
this time my hands were so bloodied and torn that I was quite incapable of
gripping a cordless screwdriver.
I must admit, I had some concerns upon extracting the wireless router from
its overzealous packaging. Specifically, I was worried by the fact that the
router was ten times lighter in weight than the packaging itself. However, I
was reassured by the large, purple and yellow lightning bolt decals that you
have stuck to the sides of your product. Surely, such a symbol of power was
evidence enough that I was about to become the beneficiary of a superior
wireless experience.
I'm smiling as I read the above paragraph, because I like to think back to
that warm glow of optimism. It is this reminiscence alone (that, and the
state of my hands) that is keeping me from catching a flight to your home
country, finding your offices, and killing every last one of you.
This brings me to the support documentation that's included with your
product. I don't want to talk too much on this subject, because doing so
causes a vein to throb in my forehead and dark spots to dance in front of my
eyes. Perhaps I could best illustrate my concerns by reproducing, in its
entirety, the content from the "Troubleshooting" section of the user manual.
TROUBLESHOOTINGS
PLEASE TO MAKE SURE PLUGGED IN IS THE ROUTER
I am sure that, at the time, it must have seemed like a good idea to have
your technical documentation written by Yoda. However, and this is just a
third-party observation, you may want to consider that your documentation
lacks clarity, depth, basic standards of grammar and punctuation, and any
information that might prove useful in the configuration of a wireless
router.
Just so that you don't think I'm nitpicking (not that I could pick nits with
the heavy gauze wrapped around my fingers; see paragraphs #2 and #3 of this
email for a clarification), here is another instance of a small problem with
the content found in the user manual:
CAUTION
~CAREFUL OF AC ADAPTER WHEN PLUGGED IN FOR CAN GROW HOT!~
After running this colorful warning through my decoder ring, I decided it
meant that I should be mindful of the fact that, if I ever needed to handle
the power adaptor, it may be warm to the touch.
This was not the case. Not the case at all.
Again, for the benefit of your future customers, of which I will not be one,
I have taken the liberty of rewriting the warning quoted above. You may want
to include this in all future documentation accompanying this product, until
you are banned from importing your merchandise into any civilized country in
the world.
WARNING:
THE AC ADAPTOR INCLUDED WITH THIS NON-FUNCTIONING WIRELESS ROUTER
WILL, AFTER EXTENDED PERIODS OF USE, ACHIEVE TEMPERATURES THAT TODAY'S
SCIENTISTS ARE UNABLE TO REPRODUCE IN STATE OF THE ART LABORATORIES. IF
UNCHECKED, THE POWER ADAPTOR WILL EITHER IGNITE OUR ATMOSPHERIC OXYGEN,
THEREBY ENGULFING ALL LIFE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH IN A CONFLAGRATION OF
EPIC PROPORTIONS, OR WILL MELT THROUGH THE EARTH'S CRUST AND BURROW DEEP
ENOUGH TO UNLEASH THE CATACLYSMIC PRESSURES FOUND AT THE CORE OF THE PLANET,
SHATTERING THE EARTH LIKE A CRYSTAL PINATA AT A SOPRANO FIESTA.
In point of fact, the only way that this product could have been made more
unsafe is if you had bundled it with some free asbestos chewing gum with a
radioactive iodine liquid center. When I did manage to get the router to
produce a wireless signal, my monitor exploded, two of my dental fillings
cracked apart, my dog involuntarily gushed two pints of urine into my
carpet, and in the distance I could hear the sound of a jackal giving birth
to the AntiChrist.
I hope that this email will serve to help you and your company reach your
goals of performance excellence. And, although I am certain that you would
have refused to refund my money anyway, as it turns out, there were several
countries interested in purchasing this technology after I showed off its
destructive potential. To this end, I now have a "brand-name" wireless
router that is working perfectly, and several million dollars of hard, North
Korean currency in the bank. Thank you for your time, and keep a watchful
eye on your dog.
Warm regards,
A.J. Axline
In the valley of the jolly green giant...
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Sassafrass
The phone call that preceeded this being emailed to me resulted in my accidentally shutting down my computer and then laughing out loud at myself, followed by my laughing at this once I'd gotten booted back up and received it a couple minutes later. My office is on the quiet-as-a-crypt accounting hall, so my amusement definitely did not go unnoticed either.