What's wrong with me?

[ShamelessAardvark]

I guess I just need a place to vent to people who don't know me. It's a long story, and I don't even care if I don't get any replies, but I just need to let some steam off.

I'm currently a senior in high school, and I live in Alaska. I don't know if that's relevant to anything, but whatever. Last year, before my 17th birthday, my cat died. He was everything to me, and I thought losing him would be the hardest storm of the year. Unfortunately, I was wrong. A month later, my dad deployed on a 7 month tour. Barely two months into his deployment, his marriage with my mom began to falter. Soon enough, in about another month and a half, mom and I find out that dad was having an affair. My mom falls into a deep depression, stops eating, and basically starts self-harming in unconventional ways (mostly through self-starvation and over-exercise.) For the next three to four months of the deployment, I had to take care of my mom and basically become a counselor for her. I was still only 17. Soon enough, my grades start slipping. I began lashing out at teachers. I started 'running away' from home. I would just get in the car and drive for hours, waiting until late at night or early in the morning to come home, just so I could avoid having to deal with mom in her state. I know, it's awful, and I should have been there for her as much as I could, but I just couldn't. Kids shouldn't have to be there for their parents like that. Moms are supposed to be the heroes, not the kids.
I told no one what was happening, save for one person. I would often go to his house just to get away. Even though it was nice to let one person know, it didn't take away from the pain of it all. My grades started slipping even more, and I basically gave up on school in general. I hardly tried, I just didn't have it in me. I took care of my animals, and that was it. Fast-forward to summer, and dad gets back. I have to act as a conduit between him and mom, because he wouldn't talk to her. When they finally did start talking, I would just leave the house. I would be home just long enough to turn on/off any heating equipment or lights for the lizards, and then I would leave. Mom hit absolute rock-bottom, and began having to go to the hospital for anxiety. She finally decided she couldn't stay in the state, so she packed up her bags and moved to Montana to live with her dad. I was relieved, but only for a few days.
School starts up again, and I'm a senior. Right off the bat, I can't stay focused or motivated during school, or after school. It didn't take long for my grades to start slipping. I eventually got to the point where I just wouldn't show up to school. Only two teachers noticed, but only one asked if everything was alright. I lied, because I felt that it wasn't a burden others needed to carry. Soon, my counselor noticed, but she wasn't any help.
It's almost the end of the semester, and my AP Lit teacher doesn't want me to fail, so she holds a conference with my dad and I. While dad is there, I didn't say much, I just agreed to whatever my teacher said I could do to make up points. Once he leaves, I just lose all composure. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life. I just pour my heart out to my teacher, and tell her everything that's happened in the past year. I confessed to her that I felt I would be better off dead. I'm not suicidal, but sometimes, I still feel that way.
I manage to get my grades up just before the semester end, and I was so relieved when winter break arrived. Mom came up for Christmas, and it was good to be with her again, but still so difficult. The rest of winter break was actually really great, I felt like things were finally looking up; I had a boyfriend and generally felt happy for the first time in a while. He doesn't know much of what's happened, and I likely won't tell him for a while. I feel it's not something he needs to worry about. Regardless, I feel like my last semester is going to be great, I'm going to study often and finish strong.
I don't think that's going to happen now. It's almost the end of the 3rd quarter, and I'm failing one class and have a D and two Cs in my other classes. I just now signed up to take my SAT/ACT, and I'm so far behind. I don't understand what's going on in my government class, I feel like I'm barely above the surface. My whole life is in shambles, and I'm just trapped in this dark hole of depression that I'm too afraid to admit to. It's easy to type out to strangers, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone this in person. I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone around me, and I'm just a f*** up. My relationship with my boyfriend is great, but aside from that, I feel like a failure who's never going to be as great as her brother, who's never going to make it to college, and who's never going to amount to anything. I just want to be a kid again.

This isn't even the full story, I'm leaving out so many details. Like the fact that my dad asked me to console my mother when she tried to kill herself. She literally had the gun in her hand. I don't know if anyone here knows the feeling you get when you realise that you're not enough to keep your own mom from taking her life, but I would never wish it on anyone.

I'm not the strong person everyone thinks I am. A few people know bits and pieces, but I wish they just knew how tired I am. I can't keep my head above the water anymore, I just can't do it. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen, of where I'm going to end up. It's like being trapped in a room with no doors or windows. I feel like there's no way out.

Sorry for the wall of text, but I just needed to let it out.

[nimblykimbly]

Oh my gosh. You are me 15 years ago. I went through the EXACT same thing. I almost didn't graduate. I woke up every morning and came home from school every day afraid that I'd find my mom dead from suicide. They fought SO terribly. My dad cheated on her too, with a co-worker. My dad was an officer in the Army, we were stationed at Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. I was about to go to sleep, and something told me to pop on just one more time.


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[The Serpent Merchant]

I'm sorry for all that has been going on. I can relate. My parents divorced and my mom moved to a different state. My parents had a much cleaner break than your did from the sound of it, but I know how hard these things can be.

I'm a recent high school grad (class of 2011) I can tell you that senior year can be a very stressful time even for students without all of this other stuff going on. The good news is that things do get better. Have you looked into community college options? Generally They are very easy to get into and some even have programs that will transfer you to a 4 year school with a guaranteed spot as long as you pass your classes. This is great for students that didn't do so well in highschool as your highschool transcript doesn't come into play when transferring to the 4 year school. Plus it costs a lot less.

The best part about hitting rock bottom is that things can only get better. Just give it time. College, no college you will figure things out.

[nimblykimbly]

Wait, I have to say more. Please don't give up, and don't worry. You will look back on this and though it'll be a terrible part of your life, it will eventually hurt less and things WILL be okay. It took me years to work through the anger, resentment, wall I built, and hurt. But it happened. One day, it was better. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wanted to give up on EVERYTHING - after all, my parents 'obviously' didn't care, why should I? I look back now, and I truly wish things had gone better. I wish I could have overcome their bickering and my situation and just done better.... for me. It's sad, that oftentimes when people are unhappy and they fight, they forget who their audience is.


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[satomi325]

Wow. I'm really sorry this is all happening to you. No one should ever go through that.
I am glad things are turning around for you with school.
If you need anyone to talk to or vent, we'll listen.
Just don't give up ever. And don't be afraid to ask for help. You won't be a burden.
Things are tough now. But you and your mum can overcome this. You both deserve better.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”

~Confucius~

[xFenrir]

I don't think anything's wrong with you. In fact, I think you're taking all this way better than most anyone I know if they were in your situation. I don't want to say "I know how you feel" because I've never experienced this situation specifically, but I know what it feels like to feel trapped and to feel like your life is just falling apart at the seams. For the longest time I tried to deal with it alone because I thought I had to, that no one could understand or even want to listen to me. But I have a friend now that I tell everything to. We have no secrets from each other, and it feels SO good to know I have someone to turn to whenever I need to talk about anything. I wholeheartedly urge you to find someone like that in your life, someone you can tell EVERYTHING to. It only needs to be one person, but you'll feel a lot better and you'll feel like you have a lifeline to grab on to when it feels like you're drowning. You've got us, the BP.net community as well! The members on here are just THE best people I've ever met on the internet. We'll listen whenever you need to vent, need support, or need advice!

Nobody's strong enough to do it alone. We all need someone there for us. Even if you don't feel like you can tell anyone right now, I'm sure you can ask your boyfriend for some extra love and attention when you're feeling alone. I'm sure that even if you can't tell him all the details, sometimes just being held by the person you care about makes you feel less alone and sad.


I know you can make it through though. You're stronger than you know.

[ericarditti]

keep your head up, its always darkest before the dawn.

[piedplus]

Speaking from experience, I know that the kind of stress you've gone through can get your brain chemistry seriously out of whack. Seeing a psychiatrist carries a negative stigma, but it should not. This is the doctor that specializes in brain chemistry. There are new drugs on the market that can get you out of depression almost immediately. There's no reason to suffer for months or years by yourself to regain your balance. And if you do see someone, don't hide how bad it's gotten or you may not get the help you need.

It sounds like your dad's not aware of how hard things have been on you. You need to talk to your dad and let him know what's going on. Get him to help you. Let the medical community help you. That's what it's there for. Depression can be very serious and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to everyone sooner or later. Just don't let the depression win. Understand that you have a chemical imbalance and get help before something terrible happens.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now. Like I said, I'm speaking from experience. I just hate to hear of a young person at the beginning of life risking everything when there's help available. Don't be so tough. Feel what you feel.... Ok, getting off the soapbox for sure now. Good luck... And take care!

[MrLang]

Not the exact situation, but I have had my share of similarly intense life situations. You're going to come out stronger and more aware of yourself than the people around you and it's going to lead you to success in life.

[TJ_Burton]

After reading everything, what I have learned about you is that you are strong, have commitment to family, have a big heart, and that you are human. You are so far from F'd up, or a failure. You put effort into life rather than running away completely which takes strength; more than most people know, and more than you give yourself credit for.

If you have survived these trials so far, I have no doubt that your resiliance will continue, and you will only become a stronger, more compassionate, understanding, and successful human being as time goes on.

What you are going through is full of incredibly difficult lessons, and regardless of how you believe you have performed, I would expect most others to falter or choose much worse paths and outcomes.

You are doing an incredible job given the circumstances, don't sell yourself short.