My Father

[MasonC2K]

Not the best of days today. Not the worst of days either but that fact only somewhat helps. I sit at work and cannot focus on anything for long. So many things are happening in my life. Significant things. I feel so overwhelmed. It's hard for me to admit that. My Father's condition is having a greater toll on me than I'd like to admit. So maybe if I can just some stuff out maybe it will make me feel better.

My Dad is a jerk. A dumb lovable jerk who easily takes jokes to far. He's never been much for talking about his emotions or spiritual, religious beliefs. I've only ever seen him cry once; when my grandmother died. And that wasn't even a full on cry. Just some tears that he casually wipes away. All I've been able to get out of him about religion is that he grew up in a Holiness Church and that he thinks he's committed to many sins to be forgiven. He thinks that while there a good people in churches that organized religion is mostly a scam for money. Actually he thinks almost anything organized is about money. He's so cynical.

He fought in the Korean War and Vietnam War. He retired after 20 years in the Army before I was born. That's why there's such a huge age gap. My half brother is 19 years older than me. I wasn't supposed to happen. I was my mother's little miracle. So I was raised as an only child since my brother was never in the same house as me. He's never talked much about the wars other than generics. I know he was shot more than once and that he did some things there he wasn't proud of. Growing up we'd watch war movies and documentaries about the era and he'd comment on what was true and what wasn't because "he was there."

Dad's approach to child rearing was old school. I learned the fears of belts and switches at an early age. You only have to get spanked once to know not to do something again. When I was too big to spank I had toys and videos games taken away as punishment. Needless to say I was a good boy and never got in trouble at school because I knew I'd get it much would at home. When I started driving and going out with friends I had "come of age" in his eyes and started letting me learn from my own mistakes. I had no curfew and even when stuff happened Dad would just scold me a little. My brother says I had it easy. He grew his hair out while Dad was away and when he came back he threatened to kick him out of the house and disown him if he didn't get it cut. Dad hated hippies.

Both my parents smoked heavily until last year. Dad had an "I know it's bad but I don't give f" attitude about it. Even when Mom quit after being diagnosed with COPD Dad kept on going. I guess he either didn't buy into the dangers of second hand smoke and just didn't care. He finally quit last November after being hospitalized from a breathing fit that turned out to be his own COPD. That's about when the memory issues started.

At first, it was just casual stuff. Stupid stuff you would just associate with old age anyway. Back in March, he had a violent seizure. Then things seemed to escalate. When he came to he didn't know why he was in the hospital. He just wanted to leave and go home. He spent about 4 days in the hospital and went home. Then he started forgetting things more. Short term memory stuff. He'd go shopping and keep buying the same stuff forgetting he already bought it last time. There are 9 things of ice cream in my parents freezer. 3 copies of each flavor. He started using the wrong thing for the wrong job. He was putting laundry detergent in the dishwasher. Mom and Chanin were seeing these things more than me. Mom for obvious reason and Chanin because she does over when she can to help out with things. I was in denial. The first time it really clicked something was really wrong was 3 months back or so when we were outside and he asked when I got a new car. I told him not to be silly. I've had that car for almost 10 years and he even went to the dealer with me to make sure I wasn't getting conned. He didn't remember that. Then my brother called and said he was worried because Dad had called him every day for a week to talk about the exact same thing and didn't remember talking about it before. At this point even Dad knew something was wrong. So when my brother took him to a regular doctor visit he told the doctor that he was having memory problems. The doctor prescribed Aricept, which is primarily for Alzheimer's. So I got the prescription. A week later we came over to check on them and I counted the pills. He hadn't taken a single one. He wasn't remembering to take them. Mom is oxygen. She has her mind and her memory just fine but she can't force him to take his pills. He'd fight it saying it was a waste of money and won't help.

So that leads to where we are now. I honestly can't stand going to the hospital to see him. There's just this terrible feeling in my gut that tells me he's not going to get better this time. Every time he's been knocked down he's bounced right back up to take another swing. This time it's different. This time, it's like he's not even trying. It's like he's giving up. It's like whatever is left of him that is him knows what is happening to him and he just doesn't want to live that way. I was told that he's refusing to eat even though he could if he wanted to. He has physically recovered but his spirit just seems broken. That's not the Dad I know. That's why I can't really stand going up there. I don't want to remember him like that. And yesterday they said he would have to go into a "Long Term Care Facility" which just translates to nursing home. I effing hate nursing homes. I don't want him there. But he can't be at home. Mom can't take care of him. We can't take care of him. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

We keep praying for a recovery. That somehow against all logic that God will perform a miracle for us. But I also pray for the ability to cope with this if it's what is meant to be. It's the only thing keeping me from losing it.

I hope I haven't depressed anyone. Thanks for putting up with me. Please continue to pray for us.

[rlditmars]

Chris,
I can sympathize with what you are going through as my wife lost her father to Alzheimer's. It was very challenging at times as each day is as good as it is going to be and tomorrow will be a little less good. I have seen enough posts of yours to believe you are a spiritual person. If that is the case, then you need to let God carry some of this for you. As things progress, it may be difficult to know with certainty how much your father can still sort through, but all you can do is be there for him and know that it makes a difference. Do as much as you can manage. But, at the same time you need to take care of you so that you can be there for your mom and your wife as well. If it gets to be too much, give yourself a break. Put it back on God and let him carry it for you once more. My prayers are with you and your family.

[melodyb1985]

i wish i could say something to make you feel better but i dont know what it would be i have never had anyone in my family sick but i am sorry you have to go through this... but i do have some advice for you sence you have to put him in a long term facility...be a pain in there butts..i am a CNA and i loved my job when i worked in a nursing home..i tried my hardest to take care of all my residents with the best care possible but some cnas wouldnt they didnt care and they would only give the residents that had alot of family involvment and the ones who were stable with care..the rest got neglected and abused..so i startted giving all my resedents family members the same advice...try to see them as much as possibly if you cant make it have a friend stop by or call..let the cnas and nurses know your involved and they wont be so easly neglected and abused..the cnas will be more paranoid of getting caught..and if you ever see any problem..point it out...its your right to be concerned..its your right to get the best care possible..

[kitedemon]

Chris,
I feel for you, my mom just passed away 3 weeks ago from Alzheimer's. I am going to say something and I hope you read in and take it in the spirit I mean it.

It is REALLY hard (I do mean that) to see a parent sharp on the ball decline. Every time I spoke to my mom and every visit I mourned what was lost, if I may say it sounds like you are. The sad part for me is that I forgot to cherish the lucid (and semi lucid) moments for the true gems they are. My suggestion is hard and I certainly failed to do so, partially I didn't recognize it and partially denial. I would most respectfully suggest look to the good moments and hold them and enjoy them. If it is typical of Alzheimer's they will become fewer and fewer. I am more sorry for your situation that you could know. I wish this disease did not exist it is devastating. I hope that your dad escapes. My thoughts are with you and as cliché as it sounds if I can help, ask. I actually mean that PM me and if I can offer anything, I will.

We hide Mom's pills in rolled up bread, it was partially successful. She likely got about 2/3s of them.

Alex

[Vasiliki]

That is a terribly helpless feeling. We never like to witness these types of things, especially when we have memories of who they used to be. We are forever noticing what's wrong and comparing it to how it used to be. In that, we must be our own strength and realize that we cannot change what is beyond us to control. Frustration and anger comes from the desire to change something, but the inability to do so. Take a moment, step back and realize that this is beyond your control, and all you can do is the best you can. When you go with a light and open heart, you'll take the load off of your shoulders and realize that you physically cannot change what is happening.

I learned this at a very early age. My mother has always had 'quirky' issues. I knew even when I was younger that one day I would have to deal with her memory loss and behavioral problems. Hers is a tweak in the 'wiring' of her brain. She's more on than not, but it tweaks every now and then. Enough to tell me that it will get worse as the years go on.

When I was 16, my grandmother was diagnosed. She had been showing signs for years, but this steady decline happened very rapidly. We were never close, but again, she was the strict type. Very headstrong. She felt insulted whenever we would mention to her that she told us something already, or was repeating her actions.

I can tell you it gets hard. Harder than you can imagine. And as horrible as it sounds, this is the best advice I can give you to help you through this:

Once it gets bad, you need to stop thinking of them as the person they used to be. You will see glimpses of it, but if you go in every day expecting to see that person again, you are going to have more hard days than not. Go in wearing your emotional armor. Seperate yourself, in case it is a bad day. Realize that they aren't doing these things on purpose. They don't want to be like this, and therefore we cannot judge them. We can only support them while they are lucid, and do the best we can to make it easier for them. Even if that means stepping away some days when it gets really bad.

My grandmother got bad. I would walk into my grandparents place, and I would have to wear my armor. Why? Because my grandmother was convinced I was 'some hussy' that was 'trying to steal her man'. I would get called every name in the book. Just randomly. We'd be sitting there, she'd turn, look at me, and scream: "You s**t! Get out of my house!!" A few minutes later she would stop, then I'd get another scathing curseword thrown at me. A few times I had to dodge items that were thrown in my direction. Even when my grandfather would step in and tell her it was okay, she wouldn't seem to recognize him.

Eventually she pulled a knife on us and tried to kill my grandfather for cheating on her with me.

Nobody tells you how bad it gets. Nobody wants to scare you. I'm not wanting to scare you. I want you to be prepared for how bad it can be, and to learn now how to seperate yourself from the situation. Don't let the memories now cloud your memories from before. Seperate the two. You can still love your father. You can still be there for him. You can even step away for a day, and that does not mean you are abandoning him.

Trust your instincts, and realize that their spirits do break. They do realize what's going on, but are helpless to stop it. My grandmother would occasionally break into tears in her lucid moments, because she'd realize what she's been doing to the family. But an hour later, 'grandma' was gone, replaced with an angry old woman screaming at me to stop home wrecking. It comes and goes.

When you are prepared for the worst, you can hope for the best while being mentally strong enough to approach the situation. You guys are going through hard times, and it's only logical to feel a wide range of emotions. And that's okay. Being depressed, angry, frustrated, feeling helpless or alone, unsure of what to do... That's all normal.