I felt like I needed a place to vent about this, and for some reason feel somewhat insecure about posting it on my Facebook. Something about feeling vulnerable in front of people I try not to feel vulnerable about.

About three weeks ago I met up with a personal trainer to evaluate some fitness goals and work on some things. Truthfully, I used to work out in my basement with free weights about three years ago and got myself into the best shape I've ever been in. But, I also had a physical job, spare time and motivation (my ex left me because I 'got too fat for him to find attractive'). Fast forward to present day, and I'm now stuck at a desk job. I literally cannot leave my post, which is about a 6' x 6' area. I've moved to a new townhouse with my current boyfriend of 2 and half years, where we have no room for any type of workout equipment. Dumbells, yes, but no bench or even a barbell. So I decided to try going to the gym, and realized promptly that I have anxiety about it, to the point I couldn't even remember my routine/sets/how to use the equipment. I just freaked out.

So I hired a personal trainer, which I've been meeting up with twice a week for three weeks now. I've been pretty good with my eating habits lately, although it's hard some days when my other half wants to meet up with friends and go out to the pub, or restaurants, or meeting up with family for dinners, etc. But my other half is being very supportive, so that's reassuring.

But I'm definitely reaching that 'blues' point.

In my mind, I understand that muscle weighs more than fat, so while the numbers on the scale haven't changed, that doesn't mean my body composition hasn't changed. I understand it took me about a year to put on this 20lbs, so I know it's going to take more than a few weeks to get my body back into the routine. And I know my job where I literally sit for 8 hours a day is a serious disadvantage to my goals (I would need to do about 1.5hrs of cardio every day to make up for being immobile for much of the day).

I put on my pants this morning, hoping that my lack of weight lost would just be my muscle/fat ratio and that I would have actually lost at least a bit of size. But as I buttoned them up, I felt the same as I did at the beginning of my routine.

Definitely feeling disheartened right now. I'm 5'6" and about 155lbs, fairly muscle dense but it's hidden under 20lbs of fat. I used to be 135lbs, a size 6 and felt very comfortable in that range. So that's my goal to get to again. But the fact that nothing has visibly changed is leaving me a bit... frustrated. Mad. Disappointed. Upset.

As silly as it sounds, the main reason I want this weight loss is because my boyfriend keeps dropping hints that he wants to get engaged. I know that he is going to do something crazy romantic if he does (we often hike into the mountains and climb to the top, or do other crazy adventurous things that are so out of the ordinary). So part of me wants to feel as beautiful on the outside as he makes me feel on the inside. Sounds cliche`, but it's true. I don't hate the way I look, but I miss the way I used to feel when I was at my ideal weight. And I just want to get back there.

So this lack of results kind of hit me this morning, and I just needed to vent. Of course, it just drives me to try harder, but at the same time, I'm trying not to get frustrated.

My goal was to lose about 2lbs a week, give or take a bit while I'm focusing on my weight training (muscle vs. fat weight). But so far, nothing has changed, and I'm trying not to feel like I've failed before I've even really started.

Not sure exactly what I'm asking here. Maybe some feedback. Maybe some advice. Maybe someone else has been here before and might know exactly what I'm feeling. I'm definitely a fighter and I'm not about to give up, not when I know I've already done this before. But this time the results aren't where I expected them to be, and I kind of feel like: "Am I doing something wrong?"