Just Need to Vent

[MasonC2K]

Feel free to move this QT if needed.

So thanks to Facebook, I have found an old friend that I haven't seen in 15 yrs. She was one of my best friends in high school. We continued to hang out in college until one day she moved to VA and we lost touch.

Well last night I learned that she got married and has 3 wonderful children. The problem is that her husband is verbally abusive and sometime physically abusive. And apparently last month he hit her and she called the cops. The only reason he wasn't arrected was because he didn't hit her hard enough to leave a mark.

There's a lot more back story to this than I care to write here. But I needed to write something somewhere because I feel helpless and really want to help here but I don't have the means to other than to pray to God to help her.

And is it wrong to want to beat the mess out of someone you've never seen before?

Anyways, it's all I can do to get my job done at work and not think about this. Hopefully writing this will help.

If it's in you, please pray for a lost soul you don't know to come out of the darkness of this situation.

Thanks.

[Skittles1101]

I work for a police dept and see this more than I like. Unfortunately, you CANNOT help someone who does not want to be helped. I read something in a book that pertains to this that helps me understand why women (and men) allow themselves to stay in these situations.

Everyone has a physical and mental pain scale of 1-10. No one will leave for good until they reach 10, and only they can know when they get there. The most you can do to help is remind her of what she deserves, remind her of what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be like. Give her confidence that she clearly does not have.

My ex husband was very mentally abusive. I stayed with him for over 3 years before someone reminded me of all these things. When you are told something enough for long enough, you actually start to believe it. I never thought I'd stay in a situation like that, and I thank the person who gave me my confidence back every day because without him, I don't know where I'd be. I wish you and her the best, and I hope it doesn't escalate before she realizes that she's not helping herself or her kids by staying in that situation.

[mommanessy247]

i've been on that side of the fence as well and it wasnt until i reached my breaking point that i finally got out of it and vowed to never again let anyone treat me that way.
hopefully your friend "sees the light" and gets out soon.

[Simple Man]

There's always two sides to every story. I don't want to say that you're being fed a line but I have known some situations where someone was used for that exact purpose. You're new to this situation and have the parts of information that were told to you. Just keep in mind that isn't always the whole story. I'm just playing devil's advocate before you get yourself into a mess that you shouldn't be in the middle of.

Regards,

B

[MasonC2K]

There's always two sides to every story. I don't want to say that you're being fed a line but I have known some situations where someone was used for that exact purpose. You're new to this situation and have the parts of information that were told to you. Just keep in mind that isn't always the whole story. I'm just playing devil's advocate before you get yourself into a mess that you shouldn't be in the middle of.

Regards,

B

Well, I understand where you are coming from. However, this is a person who was my best friend once and I have no reason to doubt her given other information I have that I can't really get into here.

[mommanessy247]

simple man- it's true that there are always 2 sides to a story but abuse is rarely ever a falsified event, except for the habitually lying, pity-seeking drama queens but even they are so few and far between that i kinda doubt thats the case here, especially since there's info that even mason doesnt feel he can share.

[Skittles1101]

simple man- it's true that there are always 2 sides to a story but abuse is rarely ever a falsified event, except for the habitually lying, pity-seeking drama queens but even they are so few and far between that i kinda doubt thats the case here, especially since there's info that even mason doesnt feel he can share.

Unfortunately, they are not few and far between. I see it all the time, I get hundreds of restraining orders a month that are not necessary. A lot of women (and men included) use the system out of spite. Either way to the OP, you should only get involved to an extent, by reminding her that she's better than that. As far as kicking someones butt, I wouldn't go there.

[Inknsteel]

I have to say, my initial reaction was the same as Simple Man... As you said, you lost touch with this person for 15 years. That's A LOT of time and people do change. I'll give you a tidbit of personal experience from my life, which may or may not apply here.

I was with someone who liked to be in the spotlight and craved attention. Even though she got everything she needed from me in our relationship (so she said), there was just something about the attention from other people that she craved. This led to her leading a dual-life of sorts on Facebook, talking to several other men, giving them each some sort of story that would explain the relationship status, but would paint a picture of trouble in paradise. Something about that damsel in distress scenario triggers something in the male mind where we feel, in a sense, obligated to "save" this person, which only fuels her craving for more attention. In my situation, even though all indications told me that things were great, the other guys in this scenario were hearing how horrible I was, how I was dominating and controlling (which is as far from the truth as you can get) and how unhappy she was. This caused the guys to come on stronger, telling her how they would come "take care of me" and give her the amazing life she deserved. The thing is, that's not what she wanted. She wasn't unhappy with me or our relationship, but having the attention and affection of other men made her feel "validated", like she never thought she was good enough unless she had men telling her she was...

So, I totally understand wanting to "beat the mess" out of someone you've never met, but consider the fact that you really are only getting one side of the story and you may or may not know her motivation behind it and whether any of this is even true.

And if it really has manifested into physical violence, it doesn't take much to leave a red mark of some kind that can be used as evidence to obtain a restraining order... And if she can't, she should take whatever measures are necessary to remove herself from the situation...

[Skittles1101]

And if it really has manifested into physical violence, it doesn't take much to leave a red mark of some kind that can be used as evidence to obtain a restraining order... And if she can't, she should take whatever measures are necessary to remove herself from the situation...

That's the only thing that would make me doubt it, if she called the cops and told them he hit her (in MA, not every state has the same laws) we arrest, with or without a mark.

[Simple Man]

I'm all against any sort of domestic violence. I'm just saying you should look before you leap. I warn you to look past emotion and use logic for your own sake and the other persons. There is always a story you haven't heard. Even truthful people can spin a story that sounds like the other person is entirely at fault. That's just human nature. People in general are manipulators. I'm not saying that is the case but your post conveys your obvious emotional involvement. There is nothing wrong with that as an initial reaction. You just need to find out some more info before you jump to conclusions. There's a reason our legal system works the way it does. Just think twice before you end up in it yourself trying to play hero.

Regards,

B